Borderline personality disorder

[CX53]

Does anyone have any experience with this mental health condition?

I have a family member who has BPD and it’s quite negatively impacted my life for years, and it’s particularly bad at the moment.

I don’t know how I should be dealing with it, if I do too much or too little, if I should put myself first and cut contact so I can live my life properly and not always on edge, how best to self preserve because it’s having a bad effect on my work, home life, finances and mental health. I want to start a family In the not too distant future and can’t imagine being at the beck and call of someone else who treats me like rubbish while having to be there and provide for a child too.

Any experiences or advice much appreciated. It’s extra tough for me because I am the only child and close family this person has so I feel completely obliged to put up with being constantly abused because they have no one else, and have been suffering some physical health problems recently too.

I have asked my doctor and looked for local services to help for myself even if not for them, but the services are very under funded and there isn’t much help available at all.

Thanks in advance

[mr_spock]

Look for the "surviving narcissism" channel on YouTube. He has some good vids on BPD, but NPD has many similarities. You may find them helpful.

[loquacious]

I have BPD as well. My advice would be to leave them I cannot imagine anyone living with me anymore, I'm a fekkin' nightmare! Sadly, I am not joking.

There is no quick fix, they are not going to get better, they will rely on you into your grave.

[Wonderman]

Talk to MIND or Rethink they're not just for person with the condition.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-...

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helpin...

https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/abo...

rethink said:

It is important to get support if are struggling to cope. See if there is a local support group which you can join. You could ask social services for a carer’s assessment to see if they can help.

[shirt]

Yes. Ex girlfriend. I couldn’t begin to describe some of the things I went through, but all textbook. The end few months were horrible, took everything I had to wise up and get our. Surprised I did without seeing the inside of a hospital or police cell tbh.

Had a massive negative impact on me personally, so much so that I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. This resurfaced earlier this year when she was trying to toy with me/my life again. I’m now back seeing a shrink and getting well for good.

Unless they see the problem and want to change, walk away. No good can come of trying to help, you’ll simply become their favourite project and it’ll get much, much worse.

[CX53]

Thanks all, comments all taken on board and will contact my local MIND and see if they can help.

As I say, it’s been bad lately and any abuse in person or on the phone and I’ve been dealing with it by walking away or hanging up... the problem is they condition you in to feeling guilty so it’s not easy, but at least I don’t have to be shouted at for no reason.

[Mastodon2]

Sever the ties and live your life for yourself.

[CX53]

Mastodon2 said:

Sever the ties and live your life for yourself.

I wish it felt that easy.. when I explain to some people they say the same as you, and others say the old ‘you only get one mum’ line, which whilst true, does that mean I should be putting up with all the crap and putting my life on hold forever for the latest ‘emergency’ or lending of money, running round, helping out, being shouted and screamed at etc. Guilt trips, poor me and everything is someone else’s fault (usually mine...)

It’s extra st at the moment because she’s now decided she doesn’t like my Mrs who is actually lovely and very understanding when not a lot of people would be.

It’s weird, most people can’t comprehend why it’s hard to say no to the latest demand or tantrum, and why I still speak to her.. but she’s family for one, and I worry about what would happen to her if she didn’t have me looking out for her. If it was anyone else I’d have cut them out of my life a long time ago and would never respond to usually empty threats if I didn’t do what they wanted, but I suppose it’s been instilled in me for years. It was fine when my grandad was alive because she leaned on him, and her parter at the time who needed a medal, but now I get it all..

Currently off work with exhaustion, no surprises there then, and I know I need to make a change, but it’s knowing what the right thing to do is. I’m also aware there’s an element of being cruel to be kind and she will never be able to stand on her own two feet while I keep feeding the monster as it were. Or perhaps she would find someone else’s life to ruin if I stop helping out so much.

Edited by CX53 on Wednesday 16th October 00:28

[CX53]

loquacious said:

I have BPD as well. My advice would be to leave them I cannot imagine anyone living with me anymore, I'm a fekkin' nightmare! Sadly, I am not joking.

There is no quick fix, they are not going to get better, they will rely on you into your grave.

Big respect to you for being honest, and it’s good to have a view from someone on the other side of this who’s calm enough to discuss it. I’ve never known anyone else with BPD and I was unaware of it until I went to a psychiatrist appt with my mum a few years back. As soon as I read about it it all became completely obvious that this was what her problem was and has been for so long.

Have you ever had any therapies or anything that’s helped?

[CX53]

shirt said:

Yes. Ex girlfriend. I couldn’t begin to describe some of the things I went through, but all textbook. The end few months were horrible, took everything I had to wise up and get our. Surprised I did without seeing the inside of a hospital or police cell tbh.

Had a massive negative impact on me personally, so much so that I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. This resurfaced earlier this year when she was trying to toy with me/my life again. I’m now back seeing a shrink and getting well for good.

Unless they see the problem and want to change, walk away. No good can come of trying to help, you’ll simply become their favourite project and it’ll get much, much worse.

Knowing first hand how draining it can be having someone in your life with BPD, I wish you the best in getting yourself sorted. It’s hard to comprehend how someone can be so selfish and horrible without actually meaning to, and never be able to stop even though they know deep down what they’re doing. It’s the weirdest and most messed up illness.

[mjb1]

Yes, my ex has BPD. Was absolutely impossible to live with - in her eyes I could never do enough, be enough, give her enough. She was impossible to please, and totally ungrateful for everything I did. I don't know where the mental health issue ended, and the selfish narcissistic personality took over. Everything was always someone else's fault, and even when it was totally irrefutably her fault, she'd just turn on the water works and blame it on her BPD.

I've only every had to put up with it as a partner, you've just opened my eyes to the fact that our kids are going to have to live with a mother like yours. I'm not sure what advice I can give, other than you need to be prepared to cut her out of your life for the sake of your own kids. Maybe put it to her that if she wants to remain a part of your life (and eventually her grand kid's), that she has to at least be more tolerant. She probably won't change, but at least you'll feel a bit less guilty than just disowning her without giving her a chance.

[hedges88]

CX53 said:

Does anyone have any experience with this mental health condition?

I have a family member who has BPD and it’s quite negatively impacted my life for years, and it’s particularly bad at the moment.

I don’t know how I should be dealing with it, if I do too much or too little, if I should put myself first and cut contact so I can live my life properly and not always on edge, how best to self preserve because it’s having a bad effect on my work, home life, finances and mental health. I want to start a family In the not too distant future and can’t imagine being at the beck and call of someone else who treats me like rubbish while having to be there and provide for a child too.

Any experiences or advice much appreciated. It’s extra tough for me because I am the only child and close family this person has so I feel completely obliged to put up with being constantly abused because they have no one else, and have been suffering some physical health problems recently too.

I have asked my doctor and looked for local services to help for myself even if not for them, but the services are very under funded and there isn’t much help available at all.

Thanks in advance

I have lived with BPD since I was 18 and I'm now 31. Firstly don't underestimate or downplay it, I don't mean to scare you but it's a very serious problem that is hard or near impossible to treat l,learning to cope with it and managing emotions are what your family member have to focus on. Borderline personality disorder and other PDs are nothing like bipolar or most common mental illnesses, it's not a chemical, electrical or hormonal imbalance. It's literally your actual being, your personality that is malfunctioning and cognitive behavioural therapy and dialectical behavioural therapy are the most effective treatments, not typical SSRI antidepressants or anti psychotics.

It's almost like PTSD, it's a response to serious emotional neglect, physical or sexual abuse as a child or other traumas. In my case it's a mixture of all of these factors. A child's developing mind is a one shot deal, if the people responsible for your emotional needs fk up or someone does something terrible to you it changes you forever. Your emotions are so much stronger than the average person, the smallest petiest little things can seem like the end of the world.

It can also open doors for other problems and you can end up being what is called a dual diagnosis. In my case I have Generalized anxiety disorder, Bullemia and anorexia nervosa, Substance abuse and these things are all very common with BPD.

It affects men and women differently, it's much more common in women than men. Self destructive behaviour such as self harm, drug use and sexual promiscuity are always the order of the day. Self hatred and loathing are at the root of all of it

Access to services is awful, mental health staff dislike PD patients, they fear manipulation and violence and it's very unfair as it's severity varies so much. An important thing is a decent analysis and diagnosis. One session with a top psychologist and she had me sussed to a t. In my case I have a very thin personality and no self identity so I exhibit extremely chameleonic behaviour, changing who I am to suit individual people and environments. I have spent a lot of time in prison because of my inability to control my anger in confrontational situations, but after educating myself and learning to regulate my emotions I am much more in control

If your family member try to go private seek out a specialist in BPD, most therapists and councillors will turn you away. It's also important that their romantic partner and family members is getting help and support and well educated about the disorder, they often find themselves being loved intensely but pushed away simultaneously

There are groups for people who have to deal with a BPD in their life, maybe seek that out. Keep a close eye on your family member because extremely erratic or dark thoughts and behaviours can manifest, look for the obvious signs of drug abuse. Don't become a passive doormat, an assertive or authoritive person can prevent some common BPD traits dished out on you.

PM me any time for advice and best of luck to you and your family member. Try and understand they don't mean to do lot of what they do. Much love

[h0b0]

My grandmother was a nightmare all the way up to her death. My brother and I had nothing to do with her since we were 4 and 7 years old. We can have healthy relationships. My cousins are completely screwed up and have never been able to have any form of relationship with anyone even though they are in their 40’s (well one is, the other just died).

The only healthy thing to do is to separate yourself from the person. Otherwise, they will play you at their game and drain you of everything. Nothing will be good enough ever as they will keep moving the goal posts.

[Thales]

shirt said:

Yes. Ex girlfriend. I couldn’t begin to describe some of the things I went through, but all textbook. The end few months were horrible, took everything I had to wise up and get our. Surprised I did without seeing the inside of a hospital or police cell tbh.

Had a massive negative impact on me personally, so much so that I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. This resurfaced earlier this year when she was trying to toy with me/my life again. I’m now back seeing a shrink and getting well for good.

Unless they see the problem and want to change, walk away. No good can come of trying to help, you’ll simply become their favourite project and it’ll get much, much worse.

I have also experienced this, I haven't been interested in relationships since!

[mjb1]

A very good post from hedges88, amazingly open and honest about it. I think if my ex could be honest with herself, she'd say some similar things.

Thales said:

shirt said:

Yes. Ex girlfriend. I couldn’t begin to describe some of the things I went through, but all textbook. The end few months were horrible, took everything I had to wise up and get our. Surprised I did without seeing the inside of a hospital or police cell tbh.

Had a massive negative impact on me personally, so much so that I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. This resurfaced earlier this year when she was trying to toy with me/my life again. I’m now back seeing a shrink and getting well for good.

Unless they see the problem and want to change, walk away. No good can come of trying to help, you’ll simply become their favourite project and it’ll get much, much worse.

I have also experienced this, I haven't been interested in relationships since!

I think I was lucky to get out without too much psychological scarring myself, or maybe I just haven't realised it. I guess I've always been quite a strong person emotionally (some might say cold). But even I got pushed to my limit and I'm ashamed to say I did end up seeing the inside of a police cell. I look back and think that was my cry for help moment, my only way out of the relationship was a fairly nuclear option.

[KnackeredSwede]

I understand why some people are saying cut ties, but can’t be easy cutting ties with someone who’s clearly vile but not entirely through any fault of their own. Also the OP says they are this persons only child and close family, so the guilt would probably be massive.

The thing is though, you only get one life OP, and why shouldn’t you live it as you want? Everyone should have the right to do that, and focus on their own stuff without living in constant anxiety due to someone else’s problems.

[CX53]

Thanks so much to everyone who replied, especially the chap who has BPD, I can’t imagine how hard it is to live with your emotions all over the place like that.

I will post more detailed replies, but it’s been a terrible and draining day.

Took mum to a hospital appointment today and she screamed and shouted abuse at me from the minute she got in the car, after the appointment and we got stuck in the hospital car park for an hour and a half due to traffic and me and my Mrs were called every name under the sun, evil being the most frequently used. You’re welcome for taking you to your appointment. I wish I could say I’ve never been so badly verbally abused, but actually I have, by her.... seriously thinking about cutting her out of my life when her physical health problem is dealt with, because I feel like I’m either going to explode in a nervous anxious wreck and not cope with anything, or have a heart attack. It’s very lucky she isn’t a man because any man being so vile to me would have had a smack in the mouth. I feel completely broken this evening and the only thing keeping me going is my other half who thankfully has cooked me dinner, so I’ll sign off for tonight. Anyone got any Valium?

[shirt]

My reply was based on the perspective that this person was not such a close relation. A sibling I would still avoid, your mother is a harder proposition.

Have you ever discussed this with her? Her response will be telling. Ever got her in front of a therapist?

I will find time to write more this week about my own experiences.

[mjb1]

CX53 said:

Thanks so much to everyone who replied, especially the chap who has BPD, I can’t imagine how hard it is to live with your emotions all over the place like that.

I will post more detailed replies, but it’s been a terrible and draining day.

Took mum to a hospital appointment today and she screamed and shouted abuse at me from the minute she got in the car, after the appointment and we got stuck in the hospital car park for an hour and a half due to traffic and me and my Mrs were called every name under the sun, evil being the most frequently used. You’re welcome for taking you to your appointment. I wish I could say I’ve never been so badly verbally abused, but actually I have, by her.... seriously thinking about cutting her out of my life when her physical health problem is dealt with, because I feel like I’m either going to explode in a nervous anxious wreck and not cope with anything, or have a heart attack. It’s very lucky she isn’t a man because any man being so vile to me would have had a smack in the mouth. I feel completely broken this evening and the only thing keeping me going is my other half who thankfully has cooked me dinner, so I’ll sign off for tonight. Anyone got any Valium?

What age is she? Is there any chance that there's some early stages of dementia starting? Otherwise it sounds like she has some very nasty demons, beyond the BPD, and she needs psychological help.

[thepeoplespal]

Distance can make it more bearable, less chance of doing a quick rescue. The NHS sees BPD as untreatable, so it doesn't really try to.

The only way to keep your sanity is to cut all contact. The long way is to set down your ground rules on what you find acceptable and walk away if they are breached. A bit like Pavlov's dog, the only thing is it will be hard for her to change. Don't accept abuse.