Discussion
Anyone any experience?
Had a call from the school to say our normally well adjusted 14 year old daughter has been cutting herself over a boy. Don't know more than that yet.
One of her friends has been doing this and getting all sorts of attention / time off lessons for counselling etc. Is she copying because she likes the attention? or is it a cry for help? No idea how it's meant to attract said boy.
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly f
ked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.
Had a call from the school to say our normally well adjusted 14 year old daughter has been cutting herself over a boy. Don't know more than that yet.
One of her friends has been doing this and getting all sorts of attention / time off lessons for counselling etc. Is she copying because she likes the attention? or is it a cry for help? No idea how it's meant to attract said boy.
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly f
ked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.surveyor said:
Anyone any experience?
Had a call from the school to say our normally well adjusted 14 year old daughter has been cutting herself over a boy. Don't know more than that yet.
One of her friends has been doing this and getting all sorts of attention / time off lessons for counselling etc. Is she copying because she likes the attention? or is it a cry for help? No idea how it's meant to attract said boy.
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly fked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.
I've no idea, unfortunately, but I am very sorry to hear this. It must be a worry.Had a call from the school to say our normally well adjusted 14 year old daughter has been cutting herself over a boy. Don't know more than that yet.
One of her friends has been doing this and getting all sorts of attention / time off lessons for counselling etc. Is she copying because she likes the attention? or is it a cry for help? No idea how it's meant to attract said boy.
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly f
ked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.2 ex’s and a good mate are ex self harmers. All 3 for wildly different reasons and nothing trivial or because someone else did it.
It’s a complex issue. I’d suggest reading what you can with an open mind, seek professional help, and (most importantly) be there for your daughter. Best of luck
It’s a complex issue. I’d suggest reading what you can with an open mind, seek professional help, and (most importantly) be there for your daughter. Best of luck
KrazyIvan said:
Whatever the reason behind it, she needs professional help. DO NOT assume its phase and will pass or that it's just the in thing to do. See your GP and get a referral.
This, please just do this asap. If she feels that is the only way she can express herself then she needs help to find other ways of dealing with it (and the boy may well not be "it"). There is a helpline for parents at end of info here YoungMinds are great organisation. Talk to them and then ideally talk to her and make her part of the next steps rather "being done" to her. She may well feel ashamed, embarrassed and especially feel "caught" if found out her secret rather than asked for help. Go carefully, good luck.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/self-harm/getting-he...
Edited by Wonderman on Monday 9th December 15:20
Having been through similar with my daughter over a 7 year period from age 11 to 18, I can tell you the following (with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight).
Your default "bull in a china shop" approach will do the absolute opposite of help - if you're annoyed / angry, then remove yourself from the situation. If you can't do that, then either say nothing, or talk about "normal" stuff like who won I'm a celebrity".
Don't attempt to apply logic, or explain anything in a rational manner - all it will do it make you annoyed.
Expect your GP to be pretty close to totally useless. Camhs are also pretty useless, but they're the best you'll get unless you want to try private. Any workplace schemes, Private Medical / Employee Assistance are unlikely to be much help either.
Your default "bull in a china shop" approach will do the absolute opposite of help - if you're annoyed / angry, then remove yourself from the situation. If you can't do that, then either say nothing, or talk about "normal" stuff like who won I'm a celebrity".
Don't attempt to apply logic, or explain anything in a rational manner - all it will do it make you annoyed.
Expect your GP to be pretty close to totally useless. Camhs are also pretty useless, but they're the best you'll get unless you want to try private. Any workplace schemes, Private Medical / Employee Assistance are unlikely to be much help either.
surveyor said:
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly fked off that we are having to deal with this.
Whatever you do, do NOT approach her yourself about this if the above is your genuine attitude.ked off that we are having to deal with this. You will make matters considerably worse and possibly put her in harms way.
My wife works in a CAMS unit for the NHS, and sees a lot of self harm, ligature injuries, and worse.
She ideally needs a mental health referral through your GP.
surveyor said:
One of her friends has been doing this and getting all sorts of attention / time off lessons for counselling etc. Is she copying because she likes the attention? or is it a cry for help? No idea how it's meant to attract said boy.
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly fked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.
You don’t sound a particularly sensitive character for your daughter to talk to about anything to be honest. Your daughter needs professional help to find out why she is doing this and how to stop.I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly f
ked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.A girl in my team at work self harms when she is stressed and has found counselling useful in learning the reasons why and how to address it.
My younger daughter self-harmed at 12 / 13, also probably influenced by friends etc.
I understand your attitude...thankfully my wife has been great at arranging counselling and professional help etc.
We had to take my daughter out of her high performing private school in West London, and into the local comp (which frankly was much more sympathetic, better resourced for and better suited her needs). I just had to bite my tongue and accept that my "just get on with it" attitude wasn't likely to be helpful.
Anyway, 3 years later my daughter passed all her GCSEs and hasn't self-harmed for several years.
She's never going to be a high academic performer, but there's so much that's great about her and her happiness is the most important thing...
Good luck.
I understand your attitude...thankfully my wife has been great at arranging counselling and professional help etc.
We had to take my daughter out of her high performing private school in West London, and into the local comp (which frankly was much more sympathetic, better resourced for and better suited her needs). I just had to bite my tongue and accept that my "just get on with it" attitude wasn't likely to be helpful.
Anyway, 3 years later my daughter passed all her GCSEs and hasn't self-harmed for several years.
She's never going to be a high academic performer, but there's so much that's great about her and her happiness is the most important thing...
Good luck.
My youngest daughter, now 14, was self harming at age 11 (not, in retrospect, seriously) Seemed to be sparked by my and her mother's VERY acrimonious split and subsequent divorce. A few of her close friends were already doing it apparently.
I only realised when I noticed she wouldn't wear short sleeves even on the hottest days.
She was extremely embarrassed and upset about it.
Took her to my gp who made a referral to CAMHS. But getting her seen for talking therapy was utterly tortuous. I ended up getting her seen by a private counsellor whilst waiting. This did help her find other things to use as coping strategies but didn't fully resolve her anxieties.
CAMHS however, when she did finally get a series of appointments, were amazing. She's now ok (well as ok as any teenager!) and was also diagnosed as being on the Spectrum. I had no idea until then that the symptoms of being on the Spectrum are completely different in girls to boys, and girls are much better at masking it.
Just my experience and I hope it at least helps give some hope.
I only realised when I noticed she wouldn't wear short sleeves even on the hottest days.
She was extremely embarrassed and upset about it.
Took her to my gp who made a referral to CAMHS. But getting her seen for talking therapy was utterly tortuous. I ended up getting her seen by a private counsellor whilst waiting. This did help her find other things to use as coping strategies but didn't fully resolve her anxieties.
CAMHS however, when she did finally get a series of appointments, were amazing. She's now ok (well as ok as any teenager!) and was also diagnosed as being on the Spectrum. I had no idea until then that the symptoms of being on the Spectrum are completely different in girls to boys, and girls are much better at masking it.
Just my experience and I hope it at least helps give some hope.
self harming is complex but is rarely about completing suicide, nor is it (usually) about attention.
not to discount learned or copycat behaviours but clinically it's a maladaptive coping mechanism which can be very useful for some as a means of distracting from uncontrollable and distressing emotion. fears of abandonment and rejection are often strong drivers.
others use it as a form of stress/tension relief - some will equate the blood flowing with tension "flowing" out of them.
more complex psychopathology can also be involved - a mechanism to punish the self for eg. more usually the case where the underlying character/personality structure is damaged and where strong (often unjustified) feelings of self-loathing, guilt, failure are prominent.
episodes are often self-limiting which is the good news. not so good is the news that, if the individual finds it helpful, they will repeat the behaviours and it can be become habitual.
given that it is how (some) people cope with what can be a very scary world at times - and we do want them to continue coping - the straight down the line "don't do it" approach is rarely useful.
don't rush off to mental health services; schools are very familiar with this type of stuff - let them take the lead and be guided by them in the first instance.
paul
not to discount learned or copycat behaviours but clinically it's a maladaptive coping mechanism which can be very useful for some as a means of distracting from uncontrollable and distressing emotion. fears of abandonment and rejection are often strong drivers.
others use it as a form of stress/tension relief - some will equate the blood flowing with tension "flowing" out of them.
more complex psychopathology can also be involved - a mechanism to punish the self for eg. more usually the case where the underlying character/personality structure is damaged and where strong (often unjustified) feelings of self-loathing, guilt, failure are prominent.
episodes are often self-limiting which is the good news. not so good is the news that, if the individual finds it helpful, they will repeat the behaviours and it can be become habitual.
given that it is how (some) people cope with what can be a very scary world at times - and we do want them to continue coping - the straight down the line "don't do it" approach is rarely useful.
don't rush off to mental health services; schools are very familiar with this type of stuff - let them take the lead and be guided by them in the first instance.
paul
Good luck mate whatever happens, your kids are your 'gold'. If you're not happy if you seek pro help, seek other pro. help/opinions.
My two pennorth. Luckily my kids are grown up but I've seen and heard enough of youngsters self-harming. Now it's a task of our kids keeping their kids safe and away from this st.
However, ask yourself this:
why was s/h not a 'thing' in the 80s. And not at all previously. During these periods there was nothing in the media. Nothing in songs. Nothing in films, bar perhaps one. Fast forward to 2000s and depiction of s/h rose considerably with articles in the press/mags, mentions in popular songs, in films and of course, with celeb intervention.
Did this mean there was a growth in s/h reflecting a growing epidemic?
Or was more in the public domain helping spread the behaviour of self-harming?
Professor Janis Whitlock, a specialist in s/h was asked which? She reckoned the latter.
If you asked a kid in the 80s (or earlier) for their reaction to 'cutting yourself', the majority would respond:
'Eer, why on earth would you do that?'
Then along come 'celebs' like Christina Ricci, Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie getting full spreads talking about 'their experiences of s/h', it can become 'normalised'.
Then quickly gain traction, as it did, has.
Now you know where to lie the blame, eh?
My two pennorth. Luckily my kids are grown up but I've seen and heard enough of youngsters self-harming. Now it's a task of our kids keeping their kids safe and away from this s
t.However, ask yourself this:
why was s/h not a 'thing' in the 80s. And not at all previously. During these periods there was nothing in the media. Nothing in songs. Nothing in films, bar perhaps one. Fast forward to 2000s and depiction of s/h rose considerably with articles in the press/mags, mentions in popular songs, in films and of course, with celeb intervention.
Did this mean there was a growth in s/h reflecting a growing epidemic?
Or was more in the public domain helping spread the behaviour of self-harming?
Professor Janis Whitlock, a specialist in s/h was asked which? She reckoned the latter.
If you asked a kid in the 80s (or earlier) for their reaction to 'cutting yourself', the majority would respond:
'Eer, why on earth would you do that?'
Then along come 'celebs' like Christina Ricci, Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie getting full spreads talking about 'their experiences of s/h', it can become 'normalised'.
Then quickly gain traction, as it did, has.
Now you know where to lie the blame, eh?
surveyor said:
I'm a tad cynical about the reasoning, and frankly fked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.
Must be a nightmare having to deal with helping your daughter. Prick. ked off that we are having to deal with this. But I am willing to admit that I'm not good at at feelings and emotion etc. I have already been informed that my bull in the china shop default mode is not an option.Sort yourself and your attitude out first. Or step back and let someone who actually cares for your daughter be there for her. Self harm is a coping mechanism and she needs support around her. You sound like the last person she’d want to open up to, so make sure there’s others around that she can. CAMHS referral is a very drawn out process and if it’s minor she’ll be back of the queue. Distraction boxes can be helpful, as can elastic bands/ice cubes. But finding someone she can connect with whilst using these tools is key - you’re not that person.
If you’re able to put your anger and irrational response to one side for a moment, are you able to sit and have an adult conversation with her?
Ask her about the self harm.
Ask her if it helps.
Ask her what she uses.
Ask her if she knows of anyone else doing the same thing.
Ask if they find the self-harm helpful.
Ask her if she’s aware of the risks.
Ask her if she needs anything.
Remember...this is a conversation. NOT an interrogation.
Ask her about the self harm.
Ask her if it helps.
Ask her what she uses.
Ask her if she knows of anyone else doing the same thing.
Ask if they find the self-harm helpful.
Ask her if she’s aware of the risks.
Ask her if she needs anything.
Remember...this is a conversation. NOT an interrogation.
It's a complex problem... self harm is, in my limited experience of having had a teenage daughter, one of those 'control' areas. It can often come along with becoming a vegetarian (another typical teenage thing) and eating disorders. Possibly also mixed up with self esteem issues too.
A bit of a Rubik's Cube of stuff which you should not ignore.
Sorry not to have a solution readily to hand - other than to say that your daughter needs some support, hopefully before other issues emerge.
A bit of a Rubik's Cube of stuff which you should not ignore.
Sorry not to have a solution readily to hand - other than to say that your daughter needs some support, hopefully before other issues emerge.
Thanks for the comments and for the occasional insults.
Just because I don't like to deal with something does not mean that I will not.
Having said that.
We had a chat last night. She tells me that this is the one and only time, and that she quickly realised how stupid it was, especially over a boy. She is adamant that she has not got a problem, and has no intention of doing so again. It's easy to say, and accept. Still thinking about whether to go overboard or accept this all at face value.
Her friends are quite good at looking out for each other. I think. This all came about after one of her friends told a teacher what she had done. Interestingly the friend has tried to hang himself twice.
I do not understand what kids are coming to nowadays.
Just because I don't like to deal with something does not mean that I will not.
Having said that.
We had a chat last night. She tells me that this is the one and only time, and that she quickly realised how stupid it was, especially over a boy. She is adamant that she has not got a problem, and has no intention of doing so again. It's easy to say, and accept. Still thinking about whether to go overboard or accept this all at face value.
Her friends are quite good at looking out for each other. I think. This all came about after one of her friends told a teacher what she had done. Interestingly the friend has tried to hang himself twice.
I do not understand what kids are coming to nowadays.
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