Putting care in place, for someone that doesn't want it?
Discussion
Hi All,
A bit of a long one I’m sorry, I am after some advice but if anything I’d just like to get this off of my chest.
My Grandmother is 98 is January, she still lives by herself and up to a few days ago hasn’t had carers (though we have for many months argued with her that she does need them). Whilst many will say (and many have to me) “That’s amazing, 98 and still living and caring for herself” the reality is far from it. I would have said up to about the age of 95 she was taking reasonable care of herself and still had a few wits about her. The last 3 years though have seen her memory get worse and worse and her ability to look after herself deteriorate as well.
Unfortunately around 30 years ago, herself and my Grandfather decided to retire to the a
e end of Norfolk, a good 3 hour drive away from the rest of the family (based in West Hertfordshire) whilst they were advised not to do it by family they went ahead with the move anyway. Some 9 years later my Grandad passed away and my Grandma has been on her own for the last 25 years. My Gran doesn’t drive and was advised at the time to move back closer to my parents as she still had friends around there from previously living in that area, she is a stubborn old battle axe though, stuck her heels in and stayed put relying on neighbours and the local community to get around. Fortunately being in a town with a high ratio of pensioners it did work out ok.
About 3 or 4 years ago she was asked by the family to think about moving back closer to my parents again though as we could see her health declining, she considered it this time but then changed her mind (mainly because she wasn’t happy about selling her 3 bed bungalow and those funds only getting her a ground floor flat near my parents). Again though the neighbours were very helpful, took her shopping, to the doctors and helping where they could. Unfortunately my Gran has for the last few months been hiding some of her items (purse, false teeth, keys etc.) around the house forgetting where she’s been hiding them and accusing the neighbours of taking them. This has of course started to get on the neighbours nerves and as a result are doing less and less to help her.
The end result is it falls to my Mum to keep on top of everything, she’s constantly having to ring my Gran or the neighbours to sort things out from afar and travels across to see her every 3 weeks, it is a huge burden on her, if the neighbours discover something wrong in the meantime they are ringing my Mum to tell her about it, and both the neighbours and my Gran just expect my Mum to drop everything and race over. My Mum is not in a position to do this as she works full time. I live in Bristol and have a young family so there’s very little I can do to help which I do find frustrating as I would if I could just to give my Mum a bit of a break, my Sister is also the type who would help if she could but she lives in Gloucestershire so is unable to help very much.
My Mum has previously put carers in place to go around once a day but my Gran sent them away at the door saying she doesn’t need any help, and we can’t really just expect the carers to push her aside and let themselves in. The other issue is that my Gran is quite abrupt, rude and arrogant, this is unfortunately getting worse with age and memory loss. It makes it very hard to get care put in place for her when she doesn’t think she needs it and is rude to the carers/neighbours when they visit.
Anyway it came to a head on Thursday as she fell whilst trying to get her bins in, nasty gash on her leg and has been in hospital since, to be honest if the neighbour hadn’t heard her, I dare say with the current temperature outside it would have been different ending. We have one of those panic alarm things for her she but she refuses/forgets to wear it.
I think we’re just at our wits end, no matter what we do to try and help her it gets thrown back in our face or ignored. Not getting involved is not an option as when all is said and done my Mum loves her dearly (being honest I don’t have a particularly strong bond/relationship with her as she moved away when I was very young).
Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position and could offer any advice?
A bit of a long one I’m sorry, I am after some advice but if anything I’d just like to get this off of my chest.
My Grandmother is 98 is January, she still lives by herself and up to a few days ago hasn’t had carers (though we have for many months argued with her that she does need them). Whilst many will say (and many have to me) “That’s amazing, 98 and still living and caring for herself” the reality is far from it. I would have said up to about the age of 95 she was taking reasonable care of herself and still had a few wits about her. The last 3 years though have seen her memory get worse and worse and her ability to look after herself deteriorate as well.
Unfortunately around 30 years ago, herself and my Grandfather decided to retire to the a
e end of Norfolk, a good 3 hour drive away from the rest of the family (based in West Hertfordshire) whilst they were advised not to do it by family they went ahead with the move anyway. Some 9 years later my Grandad passed away and my Grandma has been on her own for the last 25 years. My Gran doesn’t drive and was advised at the time to move back closer to my parents as she still had friends around there from previously living in that area, she is a stubborn old battle axe though, stuck her heels in and stayed put relying on neighbours and the local community to get around. Fortunately being in a town with a high ratio of pensioners it did work out ok. About 3 or 4 years ago she was asked by the family to think about moving back closer to my parents again though as we could see her health declining, she considered it this time but then changed her mind (mainly because she wasn’t happy about selling her 3 bed bungalow and those funds only getting her a ground floor flat near my parents). Again though the neighbours were very helpful, took her shopping, to the doctors and helping where they could. Unfortunately my Gran has for the last few months been hiding some of her items (purse, false teeth, keys etc.) around the house forgetting where she’s been hiding them and accusing the neighbours of taking them. This has of course started to get on the neighbours nerves and as a result are doing less and less to help her.
The end result is it falls to my Mum to keep on top of everything, she’s constantly having to ring my Gran or the neighbours to sort things out from afar and travels across to see her every 3 weeks, it is a huge burden on her, if the neighbours discover something wrong in the meantime they are ringing my Mum to tell her about it, and both the neighbours and my Gran just expect my Mum to drop everything and race over. My Mum is not in a position to do this as she works full time. I live in Bristol and have a young family so there’s very little I can do to help which I do find frustrating as I would if I could just to give my Mum a bit of a break, my Sister is also the type who would help if she could but she lives in Gloucestershire so is unable to help very much.
My Mum has previously put carers in place to go around once a day but my Gran sent them away at the door saying she doesn’t need any help, and we can’t really just expect the carers to push her aside and let themselves in. The other issue is that my Gran is quite abrupt, rude and arrogant, this is unfortunately getting worse with age and memory loss. It makes it very hard to get care put in place for her when she doesn’t think she needs it and is rude to the carers/neighbours when they visit.
Anyway it came to a head on Thursday as she fell whilst trying to get her bins in, nasty gash on her leg and has been in hospital since, to be honest if the neighbour hadn’t heard her, I dare say with the current temperature outside it would have been different ending. We have one of those panic alarm things for her she but she refuses/forgets to wear it.
I think we’re just at our wits end, no matter what we do to try and help her it gets thrown back in our face or ignored. Not getting involved is not an option as when all is said and done my Mum loves her dearly (being honest I don’t have a particularly strong bond/relationship with her as she moved away when I was very young).
Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position and could offer any advice?
I have been in a similar situation, but I don't think it will help. I live in the US, my brother and his young family in Australia. Mum (now 'only' 79) was living with her partner in her 2 bed bungalow in Cornwall. Spring 2018 her partner suddenly passed of cancer. We knew mum wasn't doing well with her memory and her partners passing seemed to accelerate things. The very kind neighbor kept me in touch. I visited mum and tried to get her to have tests for memory etc (dementia). Mum forgot/refused. Mum literally has no other family, just my brother and I. Things were really starting to go downhill with her. I was engaging with social services who were doing what they can, but if mum refused any help etc there was little to be done. Then we had a blessing in disguise in that mum had a fall at home and could not get up. She was taken to hospital and checked over, physically all ok. I contacted the hospital about her memory etc and miraculously they kept her in for more tests and observations. Upshot was, we got her taken to a dementia care home straight from hospital. Her dementia has slowly worsened. She thinks she lives in Tesco and all the meals etc are free. We just managed to get the POA's all in place. This year we sold her house to pay the care home fees. Things are stable, but mum doesn't really seem to know she's in a care home.
Just my experience. I am sure others will reply with similar stories. It's not easy, especially from a distance. Best of luck.
Just my experience. I am sure others will reply with similar stories. It's not easy, especially from a distance. Best of luck.
OP, have you tried to engage with the local authority where your grandmother lives? If she's still in hospital, I think the hospital should be able to put you in contact.
My experience is in Scotland so I hope the process is similar in Norfolk. You should be assigned a "care manager" who will take on her case. If it's a decent and experienced person you get assigned, they'll have seen your situation a hundred times before and will know exactly what to do - including how to communicate with her and ignore the belligerence.
The only other thing I can think of is difficult to describe … but stick with me. It's like deception where everyone knows what's happening but it makes the outcome easier to accept.
So, could you spin her a story where the house is sold and the money put into trust and at the same time, your Mum buys a flat nearby as "an investment"? In other words, you get the house sold and the flat bought but make up a story to make it more appealing (sorry, I haven't explained that very well).
One last point - if your Mum doesn't already have power of attorney, you need to get this sorted now.
Good luck. These are trying times.
My experience is in Scotland so I hope the process is similar in Norfolk. You should be assigned a "care manager" who will take on her case. If it's a decent and experienced person you get assigned, they'll have seen your situation a hundred times before and will know exactly what to do - including how to communicate with her and ignore the belligerence.
The only other thing I can think of is difficult to describe … but stick with me. It's like deception where everyone knows what's happening but it makes the outcome easier to accept.
So, could you spin her a story where the house is sold and the money put into trust and at the same time, your Mum buys a flat nearby as "an investment"? In other words, you get the house sold and the flat bought but make up a story to make it more appealing (sorry, I haven't explained that very well).
One last point - if your Mum doesn't already have power of attorney, you need to get this sorted now.
Good luck. These are trying times.
Kiltie said:
OP, have you tried to engage with the local authority where your grandmother lives? If she's still in hospital, I think the hospital should be able to put you in contact.
My experience is in Scotland so I hope the process is similar in Norfolk. You should be assigned a "care manager" who will take on her case. If it's a decent and experienced person you get assigned, they'll have seen your situation a hundred times before and will know exactly what to do - including how to communicate with her and ignore the belligerence.
The only other thing I can think of is difficult to describe … but stick with me. It's like deception where everyone knows what's happening but it makes the outcome easier to accept.
So, could you spin her a story where the house is sold and the money put into trust and at the same time, your Mum buys a flat nearby as "an investment"? In other words, you get the house sold and the flat bought but make up a story to make it more appealing (sorry, I haven't explained that very well).
One last point - if your Mum doesn't already have power of attorney, you need to get this sorted now.
Good luck. These are trying times.
Thanks for the advice, coincidentally my Mum had arranged care to start today through a private care facility, and the plan was to discuss it with my Gran over the weekend just gone, however as you've rightly said, the hospital have now intervened and will be setting up a care package for my Gran once she's released from hospital so my Mum has cancelled the original plan she'd organised. At least now Gran will be forced to accept the care.My experience is in Scotland so I hope the process is similar in Norfolk. You should be assigned a "care manager" who will take on her case. If it's a decent and experienced person you get assigned, they'll have seen your situation a hundred times before and will know exactly what to do - including how to communicate with her and ignore the belligerence.
The only other thing I can think of is difficult to describe … but stick with me. It's like deception where everyone knows what's happening but it makes the outcome easier to accept.
So, could you spin her a story where the house is sold and the money put into trust and at the same time, your Mum buys a flat nearby as "an investment"? In other words, you get the house sold and the flat bought but make up a story to make it more appealing (sorry, I haven't explained that very well).
One last point - if your Mum doesn't already have power of attorney, you need to get this sorted now.
Good luck. These are trying times.
We set up power of attorney about 3 years ago...mainly because we found out Gran was giving money away hand over fist to charities she signed up to, as well as other thing's like paying £18/month for a dial up internet service she wasn't using.
Nice idea on buying the flat but I think we're past the point of being able to relocate my Gran now. In all honesty I can't see her making 2021.
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