Advising people of a death

[CAPP0]

Small conundrum here. I heard a few days ago that my ex-wife had died, at an early age. We split up 20 years ago and had virtually no contact during that time, although there was no animosity; she messaged me a few years ago when my father died, and I messaged her a few years before that when I first heard that she had cancer, both times those messages were just to offer sympathy to each other. She also moved away from the area I live in, where we both lived before.

I'm in very occasional (ie just Xmas cards) contact with a few people that we both knew when we were together but I have no idea whether she stayed in touch with them, and/or whether her husband/widower knows those people and has their contact details (I have no contact or details for him). I'm inclined to write them a short note just to let them know, as I think that they were close enough to her at least in the past that they would want to know.

Is that the right thing to do? In no way at all would I want to interfere or step on anyone's toes but I do think those people would want to know, if they don't already. Neither of them have contacted me to tell me (and you might ask why would they) but that could also suggest that they don't yet know.

I throw it open to the lion's den for advice. Whilst it's sad to hear, I'm not directly upset by this news myself, because we've been apart such a long time and I no longer knew her as a person, so those of you who might want to post something big & tough in response are free to click away and read a different post, ta.

[21TonyK]

Completely agree with you. A short well worded note would be the right thing.

[Cold]

Personally, I wouldn't bother. If they were that close then they'd already know and it really isn't your place or duty to spread the gossip news.

[magooagain]

My first thought is about her parents or siblings.If they are alive then a condolence card would be the correct order.

[Riley Blue]

21TonyK said:

Completely agree with you. A short well worded note would be the right thing.

Definitely.

[Pericoloso]

I would make contact and if they contact back,they might want to attend funeral.

[HTP99]

Cold said:

Personally, I wouldn't bother. If they were that close then they'd already know and it really isn't your place or duty to spread the gossip news.

This, it's not your problem or place.

[ATG]

Riley Blue said:

21TonyK said:

Completely agree with you. A short well worded note would be the right thing.

Definitely.

I would, and I'd also explain it in the note just as you've done to us, i.e. simply say that you don't know if they'd remained in contact with her, but you thought they'd want to know so you're telling them just in case they hadn't already heard. No one could reasonably think that was inappropriate or was stepping on anyone else's toes and it certainly isn't gossip.

[condor]

I'd suggest a phone call if you knew their phone numbers. Otherwise a short note instead.

[Lemming Train]

HTP99 said:

Cold said:

Personally, I wouldn't bother. If they were that close then they'd already know and it really isn't your place or duty to spread the gossip news.

This, it's not your problem or place.

^ This + another. Don't get involved. I was in a similar situation myself a few years back and was talked into contacting these 'acquaintances' to let them know. Only two of them bothered to reply. One was just a local busybody who wanted to gossip and the other basically said "condolences - sorry to hear the news. Did she leave anything in her will for me?". I kid you not!

You've been out of the picture for 20 years. As Cold says - if they cared about her they'd have been in regular or at least semi-regular contact with her when she was alive.

Edited by Lemming Train on Tuesday 24th December 11:20

[MYOB]

No advice, but sorry to hear this. It must be upsetting despite the passage of time.

[CAPP0]

Thanks for all the responses. Bit of a mixed bag in terms of which way to go!

(Also quite amusing that the mods have moved this to "Health". I posted in the Lounge, since for me this is a social question, not a health question - if health was involved she might still be alive!. Expert moderation there, chaps!)

[RTB]

The question is whether you feel it is your news to tell or not. My first thought was that it isn't your news to pass on.
The danger is that because you're not massively impacted by the news passing it on could be viewed as gossip rather than disseminating bad news, if you see what I mean.

I'd raise a glass to times past (both good and bad) and move on.

[popeyewhite]

Cold said:

Personally, I wouldn't bother. If they were that close then they'd already know and it really isn't your place or duty to spread the gossip news.

This. Fine line and it's easy to look a busybody. Bad news travels fast and if they knew the poor lady they'll most likely have the information anyway, as she's been ill for a while. Do you know the family of the lady want you to pass the information to everyone? They may want a quiet funeral, not much fuss. Sorry to hear your bad news..

[borcy]

I wouldn't say anything to them. It's been too long to judge who would want to know or not. I'd leave it those that knew her more recently to make the call about who to contact.

[CAPP0]

Thanks again. I have't been in this sort of situation before but the more I think about it the more I'm inclined to leave it to others.

[Lemming Train]

Good decision imo.

[PSRG]

Coming at this from a different angle, my partner died in October. We’d been together for 23 years, but inevitably though I had or could find contact info for almost all his friends, for some of his more distant acquaintances I didn’t. And it was draining contacting those I did have details for. So I was grateful that people passed on the news...it’s impossible to reach everyone. I did put announcements in the paper, but he was only 47 so I didn’t really expect people to see it there...reading that section is the preserve of those considerably older I think!

[Tiggsy]

Bit weird to get involved after TWENTY years.

My ex (after 3 years apart) sent a relative of mine a card when their (my relatives) kid died - everyone thought it was odd. Split is split.

[Agila b 6yr 6k challenge]

I'd personally leave it. You can't win/lose either way. I'd think anyone you message or don't message would understand either way.

Attending any funeral is the next consideration? Again either way people would understand.

Whatever you choose your conscience is totally clear.