Discussion
Sorry to hear this and well done for posting - it’s really uncommon for men to talk about it!
Personal experience - 2 miscarriages (around 5&8 weeks), then 2 kids.
I was the same as you, sad for a bit but then moved on. To my mind, there was a reassurance that we could at least conceive, but I did spend the whole first full term pregnancy fearful that any day could be heartbreak day.
For your partner, there’s a physical side that you haven’t had to deal with, so it’s a longer process. At 8 weeks I was again able to rationalise more, we obviously hadn’t had scans etc by that point so it wasn’t as ‘real’ to me yet anyway. Had we gone past the 12 week point it would’ve hurt a hell of a lot more and suffering a full term loss must be absolutely devastating.
It’s a very odd position to be in and seems to be the last stigma left unspoken. You will know a hell of a lot of people who’ve been through this and gone on to have kids, they just haven’t shared their story.
Personal experience - 2 miscarriages (around 5&8 weeks), then 2 kids.
I was the same as you, sad for a bit but then moved on. To my mind, there was a reassurance that we could at least conceive, but I did spend the whole first full term pregnancy fearful that any day could be heartbreak day.
For your partner, there’s a physical side that you haven’t had to deal with, so it’s a longer process. At 8 weeks I was again able to rationalise more, we obviously hadn’t had scans etc by that point so it wasn’t as ‘real’ to me yet anyway. Had we gone past the 12 week point it would’ve hurt a hell of a lot more and suffering a full term loss must be absolutely devastating.
It’s a very odd position to be in and seems to be the last stigma left unspoken. You will know a hell of a lot of people who’ve been through this and gone on to have kids, they just haven’t shared their story.
Ah sorry for your troubles
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Lots on here.
My ex wife and I had a number of miscarriages, probably 8 in total, along with three lovely kids. I have a genetic condition called a balanced translocations of two of my chromosomes.
It’s a horrible thing.
Good information and advice here.
https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
A fabulous organisation, which quite a few PHers tipped me some money for when I ran the London Marathon to fundraise for them.
I hope you and you partner are OK.
Yes, more than once. All of them hurt like hell but we have three children now.
Our pattern went misscarry, success, misscarry, success, misscarry, success miscarry.
We have stopped now. The last one was an accident but did keep the pattern. We were going to have it.
The worst was the second miscarry, she was latestage and had to be born. That is the one that I still have the most trouble with. I held her.
It's horrible and it will always be horrible but time will help.
Keep trying. But relax and don't try too hard or get stressed about it all. It's way more common than you ever imagined and now it's happened you will find loads of people that you know have had it happen.
Our pattern went misscarry, success, misscarry, success, misscarry, success miscarry.
We have stopped now. The last one was an accident but did keep the pattern. We were going to have it.
The worst was the second miscarry, she was latestage and had to be born. That is the one that I still have the most trouble with. I held her.
It's horrible and it will always be horrible but time will help.
Keep trying. But relax and don't try too hard or get stressed about it all. It's way more common than you ever imagined and now it's happened you will find loads of people that you know have had it happen.
Petrolsmasher said:
I feel like i wish i was sadder but i feel all cried out and its only like day 6 and my wife is still struggling, im not heartless im just optimistic about trying again, and it was only 8 weeks so not even fully formed yet which kind of helps a bit knowing that.
It’s a heartbreaking situation, I can’t even imagine. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all deal with grief in different ways, and we’re designed to look for coping mechanisms, which is what you have. Don’t be surprised that your grief isn’t aligned with your wife’s. As another poster said, she has had to deal with a completely different side of things (which doesn’t make her grief any more important that yours of course). The key here is that you are responsive to her needs and you work together through this.
For what it’s worth, a friend of mine miscarried. She now has two healthy twin boys who are nearly two years old.
The human body is an incredible thing. It can be awfully cruel, but incredible nonetheless. Don’t lose hope, but most importantly, don’t lose each other.
Best of luck.
Edited by Chebble on Thursday 14th May 23:25
Sorry for your loss. We had a healthy son followed by four miscarriages in a row. We were about to go and see a specialist when lockdown began (that coming weekend). IMO one is more frequent than you'd think, but once you have multiple, then its time to seek advice, and don't stop at the first thing you're told.
Sorry for your loss - you need to spend time talking about this with your partner and to support each other. We lost our first baby when my wife had her first scan to discover the baby was already dead - that was/is hard on so many levels, even after 24 years.
We then went on to have a healthy son a year later and a second son a few years after that.
Miscarriage is one of those hidden topics that you only learn about when it happens to your direct family.
Keep strong and together.
Ed
We then went on to have a healthy son a year later and a second son a few years after that.
Miscarriage is one of those hidden topics that you only learn about when it happens to your direct family.
Keep strong and together.
Ed
Hi, firstly sorry for you and your partners loss. It is a horrendous situation however it does get better.
I had three healthy children with my ex wife after she suffered three miscarriages in a row. We always focussed on the fact that she could get pregnant in the first place and tried to reconcile ourselves by saying that miscarrying was the body’s reaction to the foetus being unhealthy. After the three miscarriages we were referred to a specialist. He placed us on a study where the wife had to take half an aspirin each day. It may have been a coincidence but we went onto have three successful pregnancies without anymore miscarriages.
I now have had a fourth child with my new partner after having IVF treatment in Europe! This is another option however please keep trying as it will happen naturally hopefully.
I had three healthy children with my ex wife after she suffered three miscarriages in a row. We always focussed on the fact that she could get pregnant in the first place and tried to reconcile ourselves by saying that miscarrying was the body’s reaction to the foetus being unhealthy. After the three miscarriages we were referred to a specialist. He placed us on a study where the wife had to take half an aspirin each day. It may have been a coincidence but we went onto have three successful pregnancies without anymore miscarriages.
I now have had a fourth child with my new partner after having IVF treatment in Europe! This is another option however please keep trying as it will happen naturally hopefully.
Sorry for your loss. My wife and I had three miscarriages so I know the situation your are explaining.
I think the most difficult thing was not really being able to do anything - your partner also has the physical effects of an m/c and from your side there's nothing you can do to help that. It's not like a broken bone and you can just go and see someone and it's put it in a cast. The only thing that works is time, lots of time.Ref going back to work, for me I needed to. I couldn't support someone else and be ok in myself in the house after a week. We didn't speak, we just sat there as if there was a cloud over the house. Going back to work for a day here and there gave us both some space and made me a bit more sane.
Our first was at 11 weeks and 5 days, we had the 12 week scan booked and had been to our first hospital appointment. After that we then had early scans at five and seven weeks and found out at those that things weren't developing. After three the NHS advice is 'keep trying'. Everyone we met within the NHS was amazing, and I'm not bashing, but to me that didn't make sense.
After doing lots of online research I found some specialists and we had some tests done that simply aren't available on the NHS, one involved sending blood to a clinic in Chicago. After lots of tests, specialists and one round of IVF we now have two beautiful identical twin girls. Both of whom I can hear shouting downstairs at the moment!
I know it is tough, time really is the healer on this IMHO.
I think the most difficult thing was not really being able to do anything - your partner also has the physical effects of an m/c and from your side there's nothing you can do to help that. It's not like a broken bone and you can just go and see someone and it's put it in a cast. The only thing that works is time, lots of time.Ref going back to work, for me I needed to. I couldn't support someone else and be ok in myself in the house after a week. We didn't speak, we just sat there as if there was a cloud over the house. Going back to work for a day here and there gave us both some space and made me a bit more sane.
Our first was at 11 weeks and 5 days, we had the 12 week scan booked and had been to our first hospital appointment. After that we then had early scans at five and seven weeks and found out at those that things weren't developing. After three the NHS advice is 'keep trying'. Everyone we met within the NHS was amazing, and I'm not bashing, but to me that didn't make sense.
After doing lots of online research I found some specialists and we had some tests done that simply aren't available on the NHS, one involved sending blood to a clinic in Chicago. After lots of tests, specialists and one round of IVF we now have two beautiful identical twin girls. Both of whom I can hear shouting downstairs at the moment!
I know it is tough, time really is the healer on this IMHO.
One miscarriage & one ectopic resulting in emergency surgery for my wife and removal of one of her fallopian tubes.
Two perfectly healthy children since.
It's tough and they effect people in different way, the ectopic was very hard as we then felt our chances of a successful pregnancy had been reduced due to the surgery.
However the current terrible twosome prove that that's not the case.
Two perfectly healthy children since.
It's tough and they effect people in different way, the ectopic was very hard as we then felt our chances of a successful pregnancy had been reduced due to the surgery.
However the current terrible twosome prove that that's not the case.
Sorry to hear about this OP.
My mrs had one in between our first and second. Didn't realise how common it is until we went in (about a quarter of all pregnancies according to a poster).
As hard as it was, we rationalised it by saying to ourselves it meant something was wrong and it was never going to be a viable life (lost about 7 weeks).
I think it's something that really isn't talked about enough, especially considering how common it is. We are not machines, things go wrong, through no fault of our own, it's just the unfortunate nature of a complicated biological process. Much easier said than done of course, but the unfounded guilt that many women feel is something that I'd love to see addressed in the same way as guys talking about mental health is starting to be.
My mrs had one in between our first and second. Didn't realise how common it is until we went in (about a quarter of all pregnancies according to a poster).
As hard as it was, we rationalised it by saying to ourselves it meant something was wrong and it was never going to be a viable life (lost about 7 weeks).
I think it's something that really isn't talked about enough, especially considering how common it is. We are not machines, things go wrong, through no fault of our own, it's just the unfortunate nature of a complicated biological process. Much easier said than done of course, but the unfounded guilt that many women feel is something that I'd love to see addressed in the same way as guys talking about mental health is starting to be.
We had one, so know how you feel, possibly feel like you're the only ones in the world and I get that, it's heartbreaking.
However, as you're probably seeing from the response on a fairly quiet section of PistonHeads, it's terribly common and you hear of countless people experiencing it, even two sets of our immediate friends went through the same.
I can even remember the day, Christmas day 2004 and Eastenders were even running a misscarriage storyline that got swiftly turned off by my wife's uncle.
My son was then born on boxing day 2005 - what a difference a year (and a day) makes and I have a daughter who came in 2007.
It's horrible, but I tend to believe, rightly or wrongly, that the body does this stuff for a reason and i'm hugely confident you'll be posting on here in the not too distant future with good news.
Look after each other
DB x
However, as you're probably seeing from the response on a fairly quiet section of PistonHeads, it's terribly common and you hear of countless people experiencing it, even two sets of our immediate friends went through the same.
I can even remember the day, Christmas day 2004 and Eastenders were even running a misscarriage storyline that got swiftly turned off by my wife's uncle.
My son was then born on boxing day 2005 - what a difference a year (and a day) makes and I have a daughter who came in 2007.
It's horrible, but I tend to believe, rightly or wrongly, that the body does this stuff for a reason and i'm hugely confident you'll be posting on here in the not too distant future with good news.
Look after each other
DB x
as with many other posters, my wife suffered a miscarriage, she fell pregnant on the first month of trying and were delighted, on the first month of trying! unfortunately we went for a private early scan as we were so excited and found out things had stopped at 6/7 weeks.
this was beginning/ middle of december, and due to timing my wife decided to have it medically removed. thankfully because of her job/ what they had on, she was able to be off from this point to the first week in january. she really needed the time off, but by january she needed to get back to work and some form of normality.
we were very fortunate that she was pregnant a couple of months later and our daughter codie was born on hogmanay last year. I can say that we were both pretty on edge for the full pregnancy, always a bit more nervous going into scans etc..... but all worked out perfect in the end.
we both felt the hardest part of it all was do we tell people or do we not. Not through any kind of shame or anything, but more that we couldn’t have done anything different, nobody could’ve changed the outcome. so telling people meant they would then feel sad for us, almost want to help, but there’s nothing anyone could do. also telling people would mean friends would know we were trying for a baby, they’d always be second guessing if mrs malks was pregnant, or wouldn’t want to say anything in case anything happened again.
but we did talk to friends and it’s more common than you realise. and unfortunately one of my friends suffered the exact same as us. but are now half way through and due in sept.
it’s definitely tough, but talk about how you are feeling together. it is ok to feel sad about it, but try and look forward and to the positives!
this was beginning/ middle of december, and due to timing my wife decided to have it medically removed. thankfully because of her job/ what they had on, she was able to be off from this point to the first week in january. she really needed the time off, but by january she needed to get back to work and some form of normality.
we were very fortunate that she was pregnant a couple of months later and our daughter codie was born on hogmanay last year. I can say that we were both pretty on edge for the full pregnancy, always a bit more nervous going into scans etc..... but all worked out perfect in the end.
we both felt the hardest part of it all was do we tell people or do we not. Not through any kind of shame or anything, but more that we couldn’t have done anything different, nobody could’ve changed the outcome. so telling people meant they would then feel sad for us, almost want to help, but there’s nothing anyone could do. also telling people would mean friends would know we were trying for a baby, they’d always be second guessing if mrs malks was pregnant, or wouldn’t want to say anything in case anything happened again.
but we did talk to friends and it’s more common than you realise. and unfortunately one of my friends suffered the exact same as us. but are now half way through and due in sept.
it’s definitely tough, but talk about how you are feeling together. it is ok to feel sad about it, but try and look forward and to the positives!
Been through this as well, my thoughts are with you.
My wife has had multiple miscarriages, it’s horrible to go for the 12 week scan to see the baby stopped growing at 6. Came as a complete shock and then you have to deal with the effects on her body which was geared up for pregnancy.
We’ve now two beautiful girls who mean the world to me.
We also had multiple miscarriages before the second was born and were close to giving up as we didn’t want to go through it any more. We got a referral to a fertility specialist and it all eventually worked out. Stay strong and good luck.
My wife has had multiple miscarriages, it’s horrible to go for the 12 week scan to see the baby stopped growing at 6. Came as a complete shock and then you have to deal with the effects on her body which was geared up for pregnancy.
We’ve now two beautiful girls who mean the world to me.
We also had multiple miscarriages before the second was born and were close to giving up as we didn’t want to go through it any more. We got a referral to a fertility specialist and it all eventually worked out. Stay strong and good luck.
Just wanted to say hang in there. We lost our first quite late and then went on to have two of the most amazing kids possible (still yell and moan at them though!)
22/23 years on my wife still have a little tear when something is on telly or whatever so bear in mind your other half will be putting on a brave face.
As for time off? We were off work anyway but if we weren't my wife would have had a couple of weeks I think, me, maybe a week to support her.
22/23 years on my wife still have a little tear when something is on telly or whatever so bear in mind your other half will be putting on a brave face.
As for time off? We were off work anyway but if we weren't my wife would have had a couple of weeks I think, me, maybe a week to support her.
Wife's first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks (the deadline we'd given ourselves to tell family the 'good news'). Was pretty grim. I was probably better prepared than most as I've worked in Obs and Gynae and done the D&Cs for early miscarriages and a few late induced labours for late miscarriages which are awful for all concerned - TBH I was more traumatised by these than the wife's.
Then took 3 years before success and then another success 20 months after that.
I did a lot of growing up in those three years and suspect was a better dad as a result.
Very common - usually natures way of aborting pregnancies where there is an unsurvivable genetic abnormality. Hence not investigated after first. The odds are overwhelmingly in your favour for success as the stories here tell.
Getting even more recognised now as super accurate pregnancy testing makes couples aware of pregnancy (even before period due). Before this an early miscarriage might be counted as a late period and not as upsetting.
Then took 3 years before success and then another success 20 months after that.
I did a lot of growing up in those three years and suspect was a better dad as a result.
Very common - usually natures way of aborting pregnancies where there is an unsurvivable genetic abnormality. Hence not investigated after first. The odds are overwhelmingly in your favour for success as the stories here tell.
Getting even more recognised now as super accurate pregnancy testing makes couples aware of pregnancy (even before period due). Before this an early miscarriage might be counted as a late period and not as upsetting.
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