Diagnosed with Asperger's as an adult?
Discussion
Hello All,
We're waiting on the final official say so, but we're expecting the docs to confirm my Mrs has asperger's. Which is no great surprise to be honest.
For her I think it would be a relief to know there's an actual reason she finds some things more difficult than other people seem to. I guess a bit like finding out you have dyslexia after being told you're just thick your whole life. Not an excuse, but something to work with and get some handy coping tips for.
I was wondering if anyone here has had similar? How did your friends/partner act? How would you have wanted them to? What would have made things easier for you?
There's no great change for me really, she's exactly the same person I've been with for 10 years and love regardless. But If there's a way I can be useful or avoid doing the wrong thing it'd be good to know. Being supportive with this new thing, but not using it to define a person.
We're waiting on the final official say so, but we're expecting the docs to confirm my Mrs has asperger's. Which is no great surprise to be honest.
For her I think it would be a relief to know there's an actual reason she finds some things more difficult than other people seem to. I guess a bit like finding out you have dyslexia after being told you're just thick your whole life. Not an excuse, but something to work with and get some handy coping tips for.
I was wondering if anyone here has had similar? How did your friends/partner act? How would you have wanted them to? What would have made things easier for you?
There's no great change for me really, she's exactly the same person I've been with for 10 years and love regardless. But If there's a way I can be useful or avoid doing the wrong thing it'd be good to know. Being supportive with this new thing, but not using it to define a person.
No personal experience so I have no insight for you but your post marks you out as being a considerate type and you’ve obviously given this some thought so I imagine you’ll do just fine.
I have met several people who have received this diagnosis and to a man (they happen to all have been blokes) they all said variations of “a weight has been lifted off my shoulders” and the ones I‘ve talked to since have been obviously happier for it. You may not need to “do” very much.
I have met several people who have received this diagnosis and to a man (they happen to all have been blokes) they all said variations of “a weight has been lifted off my shoulders” and the ones I‘ve talked to since have been obviously happier for it. You may not need to “do” very much.
DeWar said:
No personal experience so I have no insight for you but your post marks you out as being a considerate type and you’ve obviously given this some thought so I imagine you’ll do just fine.
I have met several people who have received this diagnosis and to a man (they happen to all have been blokes) they all said variations of “a weight has been lifted off my shoulders” and the ones I‘ve talked to since have been obviously happier for it. You may not need to “do” very much.
This.I have met several people who have received this diagnosis and to a man (they happen to all have been blokes) they all said variations of “a weight has been lifted off my shoulders” and the ones I‘ve talked to since have been obviously happier for it. You may not need to “do” very much.
Once I knew, I no longer thought what is wrong with me, and it made it easier to recognise when my behaviour isn't 'the norm'. Still have episodes, but knowing means you can get whatever treatment helps. I need NLP, but ultimately I just need to not panic, and take a few seconds to think rationally.
Don't forget, there can be a lot of positives to Aspbergers/on the spectrum, while mine means some negative aspects for my job, the positives outweigh them.
My sister has recently been diagnosed with autism. I've not been diagnosed with it but having read my sisters report I've got it!
For my sister (20) it's explained a lot for her. It's helped us as well. She's not doing things to be annoying...its just her way of doing things. Although she still is bloody annoying!
For my sister (20) it's explained a lot for her. It's helped us as well. She's not doing things to be annoying...its just her way of doing things. Although she still is bloody annoying!
Did you go private or through the NHS?
I looked into this when I went completely nuts and the NHS couldn't help me as they needed to speak to family or parents who knew me well as a child to verify/confirm diagnosis and none of those people are around any more. So they basically said they were pretty sure I had it but couldnt give a formal diagnosis.
I had a short assessment privately but back then a private diagnosis was often ignored by the NHS.
I was also in a difficult situation as being in the Forces at the time, a diagnosis could easily have ruined my career on its own. So i was reluctant to pursue the matter further. In the end i was eventually ( a couple years later) medically discharged as insane anyway.
However never bothered pursuing it since as access to the NHS for anything mental health has been a complete nightmare. Plus I am not sure if a diagnosis would help me get any help in a already broken NHS?
I looked into this when I went completely nuts and the NHS couldn't help me as they needed to speak to family or parents who knew me well as a child to verify/confirm diagnosis and none of those people are around any more. So they basically said they were pretty sure I had it but couldnt give a formal diagnosis.
I had a short assessment privately but back then a private diagnosis was often ignored by the NHS.
I was also in a difficult situation as being in the Forces at the time, a diagnosis could easily have ruined my career on its own. So i was reluctant to pursue the matter further. In the end i was eventually ( a couple years later) medically discharged as insane anyway.
However never bothered pursuing it since as access to the NHS for anything mental health has been a complete nightmare. Plus I am not sure if a diagnosis would help me get any help in a already broken NHS?
NHS mental health has indeed been a nightmare and continues to be. Despite going to the GP and specifically asking about it only to be laughed out of the office, it's taken someone from the wellness service to finally listen, take the time and advise that it's pretty much textbook, to write to a different, better GP with a recommendation. apparently the test/confirmation is you have to basically diagnose yourself with it, then write a letter/essay trying to prove you have it, then if they decide that you've adequately diagnosed yourself, arrange for you to get some help from their adults with ASD group/team, which can take anywhere between 12 and 18 MONTHS.
So, contrary to my previous post, we're much further from official say-so/help than I thought.
So, contrary to my previous post, we're much further from official say-so/help than I thought.
WorrierT140 said:
For her I think it would be a relief to know there's an actual reason she finds some things more difficult than other people seem to. I guess a bit like finding out you have dyslexia after being told you're just thick your whole life. Not an excuse, but something to work with and get some handy coping tips for.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 35 years old. The above sums up what it meant for me - all of the things I'd struggled with my whole life, that were an internal fight to have to do, caused me so much anxiety and stress (so many things 'normal' for other folk) and just didn't enjoy, suddenly all made sense. I had a reason, and something I could work with. It also freed me to be me, without feeling guilty - not that I could just be rude and use it as an excuse, but I could understand why many regular things just weren't right for me, and I could explain to others why that was the case. I could better manage myself in terms of what situations I put myself in (and more importantly what I avoided - and in doing so helped my mental health).WorrierT140 said:
How did your friends/partner act? How would you have wanted them to?
I don't really have a circle of friends - I only have one extremely close friend, I don't need or want any more. They were hugely understanding and patient - indeed it was with their encouragement, after a random conversation with others at a lunch - that lead me to being diagnosed. I couldn't have asked for more support.I'm 23, no formal diagnosis but I'm certain I have it. Only recently considered I may have it but when I read symptoms and listen to people who have it they are describing me down to a tee. I dont have any intentions to get a formal diagnosis, i have done enough research to be pretty certain I have it, if not then guess I'm just a bit speshul. Diagnosis doesnt bother me as I keep it to myself anyway, including close family. I'm very surprised nobody else has raised suspicions I have it as I'd imagine it can be quite obvious by some of my traits and characteristics. I hope it helps you wife once she secures a diagnosis.
Was diagnosed with it in my 40s.
Hate social situations, feel awkward in others company, cannot maintain eye contact for more than 4 seconds, attention span of a gnat, always have to seat myself facing a door, even in a crowded pub, I cannot sit with my back to the entrance.
Weird I know, but all quite usual traits apparently.
Hate social situations, feel awkward in others company, cannot maintain eye contact for more than 4 seconds, attention span of a gnat, always have to seat myself facing a door, even in a crowded pub, I cannot sit with my back to the entrance.
Weird I know, but all quite usual traits apparently.
I asked my GP about autism and dyslexia, both of which I think I experience to some degree - the OH agrees. The response I got was "there's no pathway in the NHS for diagnosing these in adults but you can go private if you want". That was it. If you look on the NHS website it just harps on about child this, child that, child the other, etc.
I discovered I'm Aspie 2 years ago at age 66. It began with my high tech optician noticing a hypoplastic optic nerve. I started with some Google research and general reading, discussed it (informally) with medics, psychologists, did some tests that they suggested and ended with the certainty that I'm Aspie.
Now so much in life makes sense. Do I wish I wasn't Aspie? No, never, but I do wish I'd known decades ago.
Now so much in life makes sense. Do I wish I wasn't Aspie? No, never, but I do wish I'd known decades ago.
I thought about this. My wife is a children's counsellor and special needs mentor and has had training on ASD. She is absolutely convinced that I am. Having read the traits and done an online test I am almost certain I am too.
I have a lot of the traits. Social interaction is hard, cant hold eye contact. Special interests is a big one for me. Over sensitivity to noise, especially random noise. Loud movie or music is ok, but my kids shouting and screaming I dont like.
Me knowing and understanding it helps me to deal with it. I had CBT for anxiety and can use some of those techniques to be aware of my behaviour and adjust.
But also as someone said above I see it as a gift. I have had a very successful career in IT because when I decided that was what I was going to do my hyper-focus made me learn so much at an intense rate.
I have a lot of the traits. Social interaction is hard, cant hold eye contact. Special interests is a big one for me. Over sensitivity to noise, especially random noise. Loud movie or music is ok, but my kids shouting and screaming I dont like.
Me knowing and understanding it helps me to deal with it. I had CBT for anxiety and can use some of those techniques to be aware of my behaviour and adjust.
But also as someone said above I see it as a gift. I have had a very successful career in IT because when I decided that was what I was going to do my hyper-focus made me learn so much at an intense rate.
TurboHatchback said:
What is there to be gained from a formal diagnosis (genuine question)? I am almost certain I would qualify but as an adult I know what/who I am and can't see how putting a medical label on it would help anything?
I think I am similar to you and mild aspergers runs in my family. I am no expert, but I don't feel a diagnosis would help me either and I just recognise it as one of my traits. I am actively aware of some of my behaviours and try to compensate ( and perhaps over compensate socially sometimes......)My sister was diagnosed a couple of years back (mid 30's) and I think it has helped and eased her personally. However, it feels like it has now excused some of her behaviours in her mind which has caused some conflict in the family......
mike9009 said:
TurboHatchback said:
What is there to be gained from a formal diagnosis (genuine question)? I am almost certain I would qualify but as an adult I know what/who I am and can't see how putting a medical label on it would help anything?
I think I am similar to you and mild aspergers runs in my family. I am no expert, but I don't feel a diagnosis would help me either and I just recognise it as one of my traits. I am actively aware of some of my behaviours and try to compensate ( and perhaps over compensate socially sometimes......)My sister was diagnosed a couple of years back (mid 30's) and I think it has helped and eased her personally. However, it feels like it has now excused some of her behaviours in her mind which has caused some conflict in the family......
TurboHatchback said:
What is there to be gained from a formal diagnosis (genuine question)? I am almost certain I would qualify but as an adult I know what/who I am and can't see how putting a medical label on it would help anything?
If it doesn't get in the way of normal life in any significant way I think you are best researching and reading up on what it is, means and how to adjust, adapt and cope. I know things I struggle with my wife helps me out with greatly. I think a diagnosis would only help if you feel you are struggling with everyday life in someway.My wife has very severe aspergers. NHS have been zero help.
The NHS referred her to a specialist MH doctor who sat her down, went through some stuff over a couple of meetings then basically said unless she is going to kill herself there is nothing they can do. Which is just wrong but there you go. She did a few sessions with a private doctor but basically the end result was they could not do anything for her and she just had to recognise that its her condition. So she has to cope with it day to day and just try and get through life.
A big part of the problem is so many people just think its being a bit odd, not being able to do a few things. But its nothing like that it really is a crippling illness. She can end up in bed for days with depression all because of something that would be minor to someone else. She has no friends because they all think she flies off the handle at the slightest thing yes she does but she also cant control it. Someone might make a joke about something but she takes it really serious and people cant understand that. If we go to a social event she will analyse everything she said to others for days afterwards and then start to question why she said things and in serious cases she might avoid those people in future just because she was not able to analyse what she said and what they said.
This whole covid thing has basically driven her into a total spiral. She has to plan everything in minute detail like going to the shops has to be planned at least a few days ahead what time where to park what to wear and how to even get round the shops like in the supermarket a very specific order to do things. Then covid comes along and she has not left the house now since march. I took her out 3 times in 6 months and each time she has struggled to cope and we had to come home.
Pre covid little things like she would go to the supermarket with a list of 50 items and the first 49 are fine but the very last item is not in stock. She will leave the trolley and walk out come straight home and get in bed and not move for days. Its crippling like I say and I am just scratching the surface with detail on this because I could literally write a book on it.
She will talk about things very literally and not have any thought not on purpose but just how she talks and she cant understand that people dont see the world how she does. Sometimes it might be in difficult situations too, say a family member has just died she might say or do something thats not really appropriate but she cant see its not and in her mind someone has just gone from living to not living and thats it but she cant understand others are going through a cycle of grief and she just cant understand as for her its simple that person is no longer alive.
The OCD is probably the worst part of it though. Her routine each day is staggering and tires me out just watching her.
The noise thing is a big issue too but I have found noise cancelling earphones are amazing. Its one of the few things I have suggested thats she has taken on board and has made a big difference.
I am rambling now, so going to leave it there I think!
The NHS referred her to a specialist MH doctor who sat her down, went through some stuff over a couple of meetings then basically said unless she is going to kill herself there is nothing they can do. Which is just wrong but there you go. She did a few sessions with a private doctor but basically the end result was they could not do anything for her and she just had to recognise that its her condition. So she has to cope with it day to day and just try and get through life.
A big part of the problem is so many people just think its being a bit odd, not being able to do a few things. But its nothing like that it really is a crippling illness. She can end up in bed for days with depression all because of something that would be minor to someone else. She has no friends because they all think she flies off the handle at the slightest thing yes she does but she also cant control it. Someone might make a joke about something but she takes it really serious and people cant understand that. If we go to a social event she will analyse everything she said to others for days afterwards and then start to question why she said things and in serious cases she might avoid those people in future just because she was not able to analyse what she said and what they said.
This whole covid thing has basically driven her into a total spiral. She has to plan everything in minute detail like going to the shops has to be planned at least a few days ahead what time where to park what to wear and how to even get round the shops like in the supermarket a very specific order to do things. Then covid comes along and she has not left the house now since march. I took her out 3 times in 6 months and each time she has struggled to cope and we had to come home.
Pre covid little things like she would go to the supermarket with a list of 50 items and the first 49 are fine but the very last item is not in stock. She will leave the trolley and walk out come straight home and get in bed and not move for days. Its crippling like I say and I am just scratching the surface with detail on this because I could literally write a book on it.
She will talk about things very literally and not have any thought not on purpose but just how she talks and she cant understand that people dont see the world how she does. Sometimes it might be in difficult situations too, say a family member has just died she might say or do something thats not really appropriate but she cant see its not and in her mind someone has just gone from living to not living and thats it but she cant understand others are going through a cycle of grief and she just cant understand as for her its simple that person is no longer alive.
The OCD is probably the worst part of it though. Her routine each day is staggering and tires me out just watching her.
The noise thing is a big issue too but I have found noise cancelling earphones are amazing. Its one of the few things I have suggested thats she has taken on board and has made a big difference.
I am rambling now, so going to leave it there I think!
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