Depression after bereavement.
Discussion
My cousin lost her husband in December to lung cancer only 10 weeks from first presentation to the GP with a cough to death so quite brutal for her. They were very close, made for each other and had no children. She has a big circle of friends but thanks to the covid crap and their ages, mostly 60's and 70's, she doesn't see anyone face-to-face very often and is consequently struggling to cope. The quack has given her Citalopram which she's been taking for just over a week. Has anyone any experience they can share in a situation like this?
It's unlike most clinical depression which seems to creep up on one, she was a very happy and positive person until the bereavement and at 70 she's suddenly on her own and can see no future. Obviously I'm doing my best but I'm some distance away and although she comes to stay for a few days I get the feeling she wants to be home. Phone and video calls can help but it's not the same as physical company. She's just not 'her' anymore, almost a personality change. In normal times I think she'd probably be coping as well as could be expected as she's very gregarious but covid has put paid to that. Are antidepressants the right thing in this situation? I'm way out of my comfort zone here so I'd welcome any advice.
It's unlike most clinical depression which seems to creep up on one, she was a very happy and positive person until the bereavement and at 70 she's suddenly on her own and can see no future. Obviously I'm doing my best but I'm some distance away and although she comes to stay for a few days I get the feeling she wants to be home. Phone and video calls can help but it's not the same as physical company. She's just not 'her' anymore, almost a personality change. In normal times I think she'd probably be coping as well as could be expected as she's very gregarious but covid has put paid to that. Are antidepressants the right thing in this situation? I'm way out of my comfort zone here so I'd welcome any advice.
I am not a doctor.
After such a loss, there must be an immense amount of sadness.
That is inevitable and needs to be suffered through in grief.
https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-...
I am never sure about anti depressants in such circumstances, is the grieving not a necessary part of the process?
That said, is an anti depressant any different from numbing the pain with alcohol?
I hope your cousin can get through this and find some solace and enjoyment in the next stage or her life.
It may be obvious, but as my wife and I have talked about, we would miss the other terribly, but we would want the person remaining to move on in their life, whilst not forgetting our life together. That said, I think it would break me utterly.
Sorry, not a lot of use, good luck.
After such a loss, there must be an immense amount of sadness.
That is inevitable and needs to be suffered through in grief.
https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-...
I am never sure about anti depressants in such circumstances, is the grieving not a necessary part of the process?
That said, is an anti depressant any different from numbing the pain with alcohol?
I hope your cousin can get through this and find some solace and enjoyment in the next stage or her life.
It may be obvious, but as my wife and I have talked about, we would miss the other terribly, but we would want the person remaining to move on in their life, whilst not forgetting our life together. That said, I think it would break me utterly.
Sorry, not a lot of use, good luck.
I’m sorry to hear of her woes but I’m afraid I think that grief manifests itself in different ways and that there is no set process for recovery. What I do know is that getting to some kind of peace can be a bloody and long road, especially where the loss is sudden.
The isolation of the current situation may or may not be helping her get through what can be a long and not particularly linear process but I would not assume it.
Is getting her to go back to her GP to seek further help, possibly from a grief counsellor, the best option?
The isolation of the current situation may or may not be helping her get through what can be a long and not particularly linear process but I would not assume it.
Is getting her to go back to her GP to seek further help, possibly from a grief counsellor, the best option?
She's been told by the GP, and it's my understanding, that the drug can take a couple of weeks to have any effect. I'm just wondering if the gut reaction of throwing a drug at it is the best thing in this sort of circumstance when her 'natural' personality is so positive.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. This tier and lockdown business is making it so much worse for her.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. This tier and lockdown business is making it so much worse for her.
Hi, Bereavement Counsellor here. I would advise contact be made with an organisation offering either telephone or online bereavement support. Face to face meetings obviously cannot be held at the moment unfortunately. I have no comment to make on medication other than in the absence of face to face meetings it may be the most appropriate short term solution.
Thanks for that Popeye. I'll have a chat with her.
The time of year doesn't help and she'll be reminded every Christmas from now on. A similar thing happened to my late mother. My sister died in childbirth at the age of 27 and her birthday was the 27th December. My father died a few years later on the 21st December so Christmas was a time of bad memories.
The time of year doesn't help and she'll be reminded every Christmas from now on. A similar thing happened to my late mother. My sister died in childbirth at the age of 27 and her birthday was the 27th December. My father died a few years later on the 21st December so Christmas was a time of bad memories.
rovermorris999 said:
She's been told by the GP, and it's my understanding, that the drug can take a couple of weeks to have any effect. I'm just wondering if the gut reaction of throwing a drug at it is the best thing in this sort of circumstance when her 'natural' personality is so positive.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. This tier and lockdown business is making it so much worse for her.
Antidepressants when used like this are more to give someone a little lift to help them put things in order whilst grieving rather than make them feel ‘better’. Thanks for the kind words everyone. This tier and lockdown business is making it so much worse for her.
Really hope she starts to feel more herself soon, sounds like she has had an awful time.
I did try counselling very briefly after losing a parent but it did not feel right, I am deeply cynical and found it pointless, talking was fine with friends so that offered me little. So it is not for everyone, depends on your grief.
What bereavement did for me was halted my life, made me think about things more, career, living, location and the frustration was being mid 40's there was not much I could easily do about any of them so I have just come to terms with them all.
I would like to move somewhere cheaper, I live in the South east, I cannot find work that pays enough to move, I cannot move without a job, so I felt and still feel trapped, these all surfaced after losing my parent. Not before.
It's an odd reaction to grief and loss but it is certainly mine.
What bereavement did for me was halted my life, made me think about things more, career, living, location and the frustration was being mid 40's there was not much I could easily do about any of them so I have just come to terms with them all.
I would like to move somewhere cheaper, I live in the South east, I cannot find work that pays enough to move, I cannot move without a job, so I felt and still feel trapped, these all surfaced after losing my parent. Not before.
It's an odd reaction to grief and loss but it is certainly mine.
lord trumpton said:
Honestly, I cant imagine much to 'look forward to' beyond 70 and that in itself is depressing.
Before she could face the future with her hubby but now she's probably feeling extremely lonely. Sad
Yes I think the loneliness is the key factor. Even with lots of friends eventually they go home and you close the door and are in an empty house. Covid has made it much worse. She doesn't even have a pet to force a routine on her. I think she'll cope better if and when things get back to normal and she can socialise. But that could be some time away, I'll see if I can get her to come and stay for a while. We're a bit more like brother and sister than cousins, pretty much the last of the immediate family. I'd rather she didn't have to start relying on pharmaceuticals to get through it but she's started now and I believe you can't just stop.Before she could face the future with her hubby but now she's probably feeling extremely lonely. Sad
Tip of the day is don't get old.
rovermorris999 said:
I'd rather she didn't have to start relying on pharmaceuticals to get through it but she's started now and I believe you can't just stop.
That's just not true. Thousands of people use anti depressants like citalopram for several months and come off them easily when they no longer need them. The key is to reduce the dosage very gradually over a period of several weeks.Wacky Racer said:
rovermorris999 said:
I'd rather she didn't have to start relying on pharmaceuticals to get through it but she's started now and I believe you can't just stop.
That's just not true. Thousands of people use anti depressants like citalopram for several months and come off them easily when they no longer need them. The key is to reduce the dosage very gradually over a period of several weeks.rovermorris999 said:
Wacky Racer said:
rovermorris999 said:
I'd rather she didn't have to start relying on pharmaceuticals to get through it but she's started now and I believe you can't just stop.
That's just not true. Thousands of people use anti depressants like citalopram for several months and come off them easily when they no longer need them. The key is to reduce the dosage very gradually over a period of several weeks.As said earlier she could have been misdiagnosed and just be going through the grieving process. If you mean she lost him December just gone it's a bit soon to be diagnosing depression IMO.
Evoluzione said:
There is a recent thread on it you can read. Some people are finding the length of time coming off it is proportional to the time they've been on it - it can take months if not years for some.
As said earlier she could have been misdiagnosed and just be going through the grieving process. If you mean she lost him December just gone it's a bit soon to be diagnosing depression IMO.
Yes December 2020.As said earlier she could have been misdiagnosed and just be going through the grieving process. If you mean she lost him December just gone it's a bit soon to be diagnosing depression IMO.
I don’t know if this helps but I went through a similar situation myself earlier this year.
I lost someone I cared about and although I knew it was coming it still destroyed me. I won’t go into the details, it’s a long story, but I reached a point where I felt that the only way out was to end my life. It wasn’t an attention thing or a spur of the moment decision, every night I went to bed wishing I was dead and it was only the thought of putting my family through what I was experiencing that stopped me.
As a kind of Hail Mary I rang my GP, explained what was going on and I ended up being prescribed some anti depressants. They’re not the same, I’m on Sertraline, but they have helped. They’re no overnight magic bullet but after a few weeks I started feeling better. After a few increases in dose, some counselling and help from friends and family I’m in a much better place. I actually feel pretty good now.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that things do improve with time. It might take a while, it might not, but the medication does help and I can’t fault the service I’ve had from the NHS in helping me get back to some semblance of normality.
If you’re struggling to know how you can help I’m happy to share what helped me. What people did and said that helped, what didn’t etc.
I hope things pick up soon.
I lost someone I cared about and although I knew it was coming it still destroyed me. I won’t go into the details, it’s a long story, but I reached a point where I felt that the only way out was to end my life. It wasn’t an attention thing or a spur of the moment decision, every night I went to bed wishing I was dead and it was only the thought of putting my family through what I was experiencing that stopped me.
As a kind of Hail Mary I rang my GP, explained what was going on and I ended up being prescribed some anti depressants. They’re not the same, I’m on Sertraline, but they have helped. They’re no overnight magic bullet but after a few weeks I started feeling better. After a few increases in dose, some counselling and help from friends and family I’m in a much better place. I actually feel pretty good now.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that things do improve with time. It might take a while, it might not, but the medication does help and I can’t fault the service I’ve had from the NHS in helping me get back to some semblance of normality.
If you’re struggling to know how you can help I’m happy to share what helped me. What people did and said that helped, what didn’t etc.
I hope things pick up soon.
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