Helping a Friend Who Has a Habit
Discussion
A friend has a habit. I want to help him but I don't know how.
I've known him for around 17 years. He's a really nice guy but this recreational activity is ruining him: divorce, multiple job losses, strained relationships with his kids and he goes missing for weeks on end (as in, he isn't available). I kind of knew early on there was some celebrity talcum powder on the scene but didn't think it was any more than the odd bender. It was a lot. There came a point when at times he could be heard racking and sniffing as we spoke on the phone having a catchup. I never challenged him because at first I thought he wouldn't do that, but the third and fourth time started to remove the doubt.
At one point he went missing for a couple of weeks and resurfaced saying he'd been busy at work, long hours etc. As he spoke he sounded a bit bunged up. When I asked if he had a cold he told me a fantastic story about coming off his pushbike and injuring his nose which I found it later was related to the drug taking (unconfirmed, but his ex wife said it was a perforated septum issue). This other side to him has been going on for about 10 years, possibly longer.
Two weeks ago we made a plan to go out for dinner and have a proper catch up. This then changed to him coming around to mine and either cooking or ordering a takeaway. We spoke about what to drink what time, etc etc and on the morning I confirmed that I was all set for cooking. He replied to say he'd had a rough night but didn't elaborate on why. By 2pm - when he was due - he sent a message to say he couldn't make it. It was brief pointing out that he still didn't feel well. I tried to give him the benefit of doubt but felt that the excuse was weak. He didn't follow up or call for a few days. I was disappointed, but got over it very quickly as I knew there was a chance he might drop out.
The disappointment is not that he let me down, but I felt he was turning things around. I went in for a big operation mid July and he was very supportive, and came to see me a few times. He looked well. On that basis I wanted to keep the positivity up. After building up some momentum, he went off radar after his no-show. We've had a couple of messages since and he didn't mention anything about not being able to make it that day. I asked how he was feeling and he replied very briefly that he was okay.
He's a good friend behind all of this, but I feel like he's out of reach. What can I do to help him?
I've known him for around 17 years. He's a really nice guy but this recreational activity is ruining him: divorce, multiple job losses, strained relationships with his kids and he goes missing for weeks on end (as in, he isn't available). I kind of knew early on there was some celebrity talcum powder on the scene but didn't think it was any more than the odd bender. It was a lot. There came a point when at times he could be heard racking and sniffing as we spoke on the phone having a catchup. I never challenged him because at first I thought he wouldn't do that, but the third and fourth time started to remove the doubt.
At one point he went missing for a couple of weeks and resurfaced saying he'd been busy at work, long hours etc. As he spoke he sounded a bit bunged up. When I asked if he had a cold he told me a fantastic story about coming off his pushbike and injuring his nose which I found it later was related to the drug taking (unconfirmed, but his ex wife said it was a perforated septum issue). This other side to him has been going on for about 10 years, possibly longer.
Two weeks ago we made a plan to go out for dinner and have a proper catch up. This then changed to him coming around to mine and either cooking or ordering a takeaway. We spoke about what to drink what time, etc etc and on the morning I confirmed that I was all set for cooking. He replied to say he'd had a rough night but didn't elaborate on why. By 2pm - when he was due - he sent a message to say he couldn't make it. It was brief pointing out that he still didn't feel well. I tried to give him the benefit of doubt but felt that the excuse was weak. He didn't follow up or call for a few days. I was disappointed, but got over it very quickly as I knew there was a chance he might drop out.
The disappointment is not that he let me down, but I felt he was turning things around. I went in for a big operation mid July and he was very supportive, and came to see me a few times. He looked well. On that basis I wanted to keep the positivity up. After building up some momentum, he went off radar after his no-show. We've had a couple of messages since and he didn't mention anything about not being able to make it that day. I asked how he was feeling and he replied very briefly that he was okay.
He's a good friend behind all of this, but I feel like he's out of reach. What can I do to help him?
lizardbrain said:
What's at the root of it?
It's a good question and knowing this might help, however, I can only speculate. He had a very good job, earning circa £150k plus bonuses. There was a fair bit of entertaining involved in the role, or so he told his now ex wife when he would get home at 5am. There's a feeling that he perhaps married too young (they met at school).
As lizardbrain alludes to, he needs to address the root cause. And he needs to want to change.
To give you a bit of insight, check out the book In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost. It's written from the coalface as it were and it will help you to understand what he's going through, what you may encounter and how he needs to deal with things.
To give you a bit of insight, check out the book In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost. It's written from the coalface as it were and it will help you to understand what he's going through, what you may encounter and how he needs to deal with things.
This week is Addiction Awareness Week and there are quite a few high profile people telling their own stories. Great time to drop it into a conversation with your friend.
But as others have said, your friend needs to be the one who recognises and admits he has an issue and is ready to deal with it.
My OH is an alcoholic and hit rock bottom earlier this year but thankfully we were able to get her into a residential facility for a month that turned her around. She's now been sober for 7 months. But neither of us are being complacent and would never consider her 'fixed'. She has seen too many people who have relapsed after being sober for years
Going to AA/CA meetings regularly is important too as meeting people with the same issues really helps and gives massive support especially if you are tempted to relapse.
Good luck
But as others have said, your friend needs to be the one who recognises and admits he has an issue and is ready to deal with it.
My OH is an alcoholic and hit rock bottom earlier this year but thankfully we were able to get her into a residential facility for a month that turned her around. She's now been sober for 7 months. But neither of us are being complacent and would never consider her 'fixed'. She has seen too many people who have relapsed after being sober for years
Going to AA/CA meetings regularly is important too as meeting people with the same issues really helps and gives massive support especially if you are tempted to relapse.
Good luck
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