Crashing after grieving

[BMRed]

Not something I ever thought I’d post on here, but it feels like the right place to put it.

My wife’s dad passed away recently, and we’re currently on the other side of the world in Australia. We had long conversations about whether to fly back to the UK, and in the end we didn’t.

Being that far away adds a strange layer to everything. You spend days in full support mode, holding things together, keeping work ticking over, trying to be steady for the person you love while feeling a constant mix of sadness and anger that this has happened to them, and that there’s nothing you can do to make it better.

We watched the funeral overnight because of the time difference. During it I functioned. I cried and we laughed at stories. Afterwards, once you know your partner is okay, it’s like the adrenaline just drains away and you hit a wall. Exhaustion, headaches, replaying moments, hearing his voice in your head unexpectedly, and very concrete thoughts about the finality of it all.

What’s caught me off guard is that this kind of grief isn’t loud or dramatic it’s delayed, physical, and quietly disorientating. Especially when it’s not your own parent, but someone who mattered deeply to your life and your relationship.

The one thing that’s stayed with me is my wife telling me I’d been her rock through it all, and her making a small tribute to that support. That meant more than I can put into words and I think it’s part of why, now the worst of it has passed, I’ve completely crashed.

Not posting for sympathy or advice, just to get it out of my head and in case anyone else recognises that heavy post-funeral crash that doesn’t really get talked about.

[zetec]

You didn't grieve when your Father-in-Law passed. You supported your wife, you were strong for her, you were her rock. During this period you didn't have time to grieve, all your energies were, rightly so, put into supporting your wife. Now she's had closure and, I imagine, trying to get on with life, it's your time to grieve. However, delayed grief can hit harder, especially when others don't seem to be grieving. Take some time off if you can, you will be mentally tired, talk to your wife and if you don't feel any better, talk to a Doctor.

Sorry for your loss, I hope you feel better soon.

[ATG]

It's often like this. The activity directly created by the death itself, the organisational stuff it generated, the support you give to others, that all distracts you from the bereavement itself. So you only really start to process that after the dust has settled, and similarly you don't feel the effort that you were putting in to providing emotional support for others until some time later. When people use the expression "emotionally draining", it's really quite literal. It can be exhausting. You can keep it up for a quite a while, but you eventually relax a bit, the adrenaline recedes and then you start to feel it.

[TwistingMyMelon]

You have my sympathy.

I rememeber the endless replaying moments over and over again.

Often quite normal interactions, in the past my mind has looped their mannerisms over and over again.

Hope things get easier, best thing for me was just to go with it - it does get easier

[dobly]

Make sure that you go back at some point in the next year - you didn t mention whether or not your wife has family in the UK, but if she has, it is important to physically be with them if at all possible. Some family dynamics get altered by the death of a family member, and things can turn toxic if it is perceived if one party hasn t done their fair share of the death admin / caring / supporting / acknowledging of the loss. The corny term closure has at least some basis for some families.
Until then, communication is, as ever, important.

Edited by dobly on Friday 19th December 23:41