just shut up, ur digging yourself a hole!
Discussion
this is a thread for the times when youve said something really bad and dug yourself a hole, my mate saw someone in the town locally who he hadnt seen for ages with his wife, and he said to the bloke 'your wife looks a bit pale' and the bloke said back 'shes just been to hosptital, diagnosed with cancer' oh god, what a bad thing to say, put his foot in it big style
My boss once bumped into me in London out of the office, with my girlfriend, now wife. We were having lunch. Knowing she was an out-of-towner he asked what brought her up into the big city. "hair appointment with Vidal whoever" she replied.
He asked what time her apopintment was later in the day but in fact she'd already been in the morning.
I thought she was going to deck him.
He asked what time her apopintment was later in the day but in fact she'd already been in the morning.
I thought she was going to deck him.
A while ago, my Mum was talking to a Mens Barber she knows when his young son comes running up to them, noticeing the young lads very very short skin head haircut,
'thats a bit of an extreme hair cut' says my Mum,
'Oh its actually due to the Keymotheropy' comes the reply, doh, turns out he was diagnosed with Lukimia, but to give it a happy ending he recovered and is fine now
>> Edited by raceboy on Monday 24th June 20:28
>> Edited by raceboy on Monday 24th June 20:43
'thats a bit of an extreme hair cut' says my Mum,
'Oh its actually due to the Keymotheropy' comes the reply, doh, turns out he was diagnosed with Lukimia, but to give it a happy ending he recovered and is fine now
>> Edited by raceboy on Monday 24th June 20:28
>> Edited by raceboy on Monday 24th June 20:43
OK. Not quite the same thing but funny all the same.
My Gran was quite ill. In fact she died later from the same condition. But this time she had to go for a check up at the infirmary - she lived in Glasgow near the airport. She had to take a sample of urine and could only find an empty quart bottle of whisky to use as a decanter.
Well on the way to the hospital on the bus someone nicked it out of her handbag
My Gran was quite ill. In fact she died later from the same condition. But this time she had to go for a check up at the infirmary - she lived in Glasgow near the airport. She had to take a sample of urine and could only find an empty quart bottle of whisky to use as a decanter.
Well on the way to the hospital on the bus someone nicked it out of her handbag
quote:
OK. Not quite the same thing but funny all the same.
My Gran was quite ill. In fact she died later from the same condition. But this time she had to go for a check up at the infirmary - she lived in Glasgow near the airport. She had to take a sample of urine and could only find an empty quart bottle of whisky to use as a decanter.
Well on the way to the hospital on the bus someone nicked it out of her handbag
That reminds me of a trainer who used to work at a place I used to. He was a total p*sshead, he would train students in the morning then come lunchtime be over the pub. 4 or 5 pints later he's return and the standard of training went down somewhat.
Anyhoo he used to keep half bottles of gin in his desk for an afternoon top up, one guy who was getting fairly fed up with him got his own (same brand) empty bottle of gin and "filled it up" himself then replaced the real gin in the p*ssheads desk.
No one acctually saw this being drank, but there was one afternoon a few days later where this guy was in an amazingly bad mood - just the sort if someone had p*ssed in yer gin bottle
killing 2 birds with one stone.
1st digging yourself a hole, as some of you may well know I used to sell motorbikes for a living. Had this bird on the go for about 3 or 4 weekends looking to buy a bike, she was a right pain in the arse, test riding everything and couldnt make her mind up. Anyway eventually narrowed it down to one bike, wheeled it outside the showroom and doing all the business, when along came ALAN, resident old fart pain in the arse twat who was allways hanging around the shop. What does he say but 'I wouldnt buy that! theyr'e nothing but trouble' then ups and walks off. I say to the bird sorry about that love but that blokes a tosser, poking his nose in everywhere, nobody likes him, blah, slag off, blah. Oh she said 'you mean my father'.
On to the 2nd.
not filling up shampoo bottles, my brother used to keep going out and buying bottles of identical washing up liquid, week after week after week and just topping up the one in the kitchen. his missus who did the shopping thought she was going mad as it never seemed to run out.
I'll get me coat
I dont mind sharing this one with you.
A few years ago I was asked to attend a talk given by the Traffic Dept Road Safety Officer at a large Mercedes dealership. All I had to do was arrive in the afternoon and take prospective Mercedes customers out for a demonstration drive in a marked Traffic car.
The Road safety officer had brought along with him a brake reaction test machine. I had received no training in this equipment and when the group of customers was split into 2, I was informed by some of them that they hadn't had chance to have a go on the brake test reaction. I should have said "sorry I can't work it"
I didn't. I found the control box that was positioned on the receptionists desk next to the machine in the show room and sat my first customer down with the others (about a dozen) watching. I pressed the start button and nothing happened. I apologised and said there must be something wrong with it as it didn't normally not respond. I then continued to re- programme the bloody thing for several minutes whilst wishing I hadn't touched it in the first place while everyone waited with anticipation of their go.
I was just about to give up when the M.D. of the dealership walked over and asked if everything was ok and why was I interfering with their credit card reader?
Redeemed myself with the driving part though which I should have stuck to anyway.
Big lesson learnt there. If you dont know how it works and it isnt yours. LEAVE IT ALONE
A few years ago I was asked to attend a talk given by the Traffic Dept Road Safety Officer at a large Mercedes dealership. All I had to do was arrive in the afternoon and take prospective Mercedes customers out for a demonstration drive in a marked Traffic car.
The Road safety officer had brought along with him a brake reaction test machine. I had received no training in this equipment and when the group of customers was split into 2, I was informed by some of them that they hadn't had chance to have a go on the brake test reaction. I should have said "sorry I can't work it"
I didn't. I found the control box that was positioned on the receptionists desk next to the machine in the show room and sat my first customer down with the others (about a dozen) watching. I pressed the start button and nothing happened. I apologised and said there must be something wrong with it as it didn't normally not respond. I then continued to re- programme the bloody thing for several minutes whilst wishing I hadn't touched it in the first place while everyone waited with anticipation of their go.
I was just about to give up when the M.D. of the dealership walked over and asked if everything was ok and why was I interfering with their credit card reader?
Redeemed myself with the driving part though which I should have stuck to anyway.
Big lesson learnt there. If you dont know how it works and it isnt yours. LEAVE IT ALONE
Carrying on (kind of) from the shampoo story, when I was at Uni we found from the attic room in our house you could crawl round above most of the other rooms (Victorian terraced place), of which there was a girl (Sue) in one of the rooms. When we got fed up of watching her get her kit off we bought a syringe and spent many a late hour dripping water on her as she tried to sleep, and laughing our socks off watching her toss and turn all night, and looking like shit in the morning.
Unfortunately she found out and exacted revenge on the pair of us. She loosened my mate's front wheel on his bike and it left the forks when he was riding to a lecture one morning - major cuts etc and me ? Well, the bitch put blue food colouring in my (new) shower gel. I get in the shower and lather meself up, thinks "Christ, this is a deep colour", and couldn't wash it off.
Spent about 3 days walking around looking like I'd been shut in a fcuking deep freeze.
>> Edited by GregE240 on Tuesday 25th June 08:50
Unfortunately she found out and exacted revenge on the pair of us. She loosened my mate's front wheel on his bike and it left the forks when he was riding to a lecture one morning - major cuts etc and me ? Well, the bitch put blue food colouring in my (new) shower gel. I get in the shower and lather meself up, thinks "Christ, this is a deep colour", and couldn't wash it off.
Spent about 3 days walking around looking like I'd been shut in a fcuking deep freeze.
>> Edited by GregE240 on Tuesday 25th June 08:50
My brother always used to trot out with the same line with girls when I was about as a sympathy/pull vote:
Girl: ..you don't look a bit like your brother you know Hee Hee
My Brother: No, thats because I'm adopted..
Girl: (silence) or (embarrassed Laugh)
which of course he wasn't but I was sworn to go along with it... it went on for years.
Cheers
Matt.
Girl: ..you don't look a bit like your brother you know Hee Hee
My Brother: No, thats because I'm adopted..
Girl: (silence) or (embarrassed Laugh)
which of course he wasn't but I was sworn to go along with it... it went on for years.
Cheers
Matt.
A few years ago I went to a fancy dress party dressed as Hitler. We went down the pub in Aldershot. That was bad enough because it was full of squaddies who weren't particularly amused at what a bunch of knobs we looked.
Anyway, I went to the bar and the girl just looked at me and said "I'm Jewish". I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I rattled out some pathetic bullshit about fancy dress and she then smiled and said "Only joking" and laughed her tits off. I've never drunk a pint so quick.
Anyway, I went to the bar and the girl just looked at me and said "I'm Jewish". I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I rattled out some pathetic bullshit about fancy dress and she then smiled and said "Only joking" and laughed her tits off. I've never drunk a pint so quick.
quote:
A few years ago I went to a fancy dress party dressed as Hitler. We went down the pub in Aldershot. That was bad enough because it was full of squaddies who weren't particularly amused at what a bunch of knobs we looked.
Anyway, I went to the bar and the girl just looked at me and said "I'm Jewish". I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I rattled out some pathetic bullshit about fancy dress and she then smiled and said "Only joking" and laughed her tits off. I've never drunk a pint so quick.
Ted. .why on earth did you choose Hitler... ???
Once performing an "oral favour" for a young lady (hey I'm a caring sharing kinda guy) thinking my folks were out of the house. Needless to say my mother walks in without knocking to be greeted with the sight of number one son on his hands and knees at the bottom of the bed, arse in the air and head buried as it were.
Following that awful initial moment of silence she blurts out;
"What are you doing?"
My reply;
"I've lost my contact lense......."
I have no idea where the hell it came from and my only defence is that my mind was in paralysis from the horror of the situation!!
Nothing more was ever said however the poor girl went from being "nice" to "a bit of a funny sort"....... aren't mothers great!!
Following that awful initial moment of silence she blurts out;
"What are you doing?"
My reply;
"I've lost my contact lense......."
I have no idea where the hell it came from and my only defence is that my mind was in paralysis from the horror of the situation!!
Nothing more was ever said however the poor girl went from being "nice" to "a bit of a funny sort"....... aren't mothers great!!
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