O/T: Life Crisis..needs advice..
Discussion
(another anonymous poster)
My life feels like a mess, can you help me?
Having been married for a few years, I've gradually watched the decline of spontaneous fun and frolic, and the settling in to the "comfortable" man and wife role.. having fought this along the way it seems to be some sort of inevitability that happens, beginning I'd guess from around a year after the wedding cake.
Sadly in my own circumstances I have really struggled with this concept, and have on a few occaisions considered having a quick fling.. basically to make me feel better about myself, and remind me how it feels to be wanted, rather than just someone who puts up shelves and avoids getting scolded for leaving things lying around, and not doing the washing up.
I find it a hard juncture in life, and find myself strangely detached from it all. I can't leave my wife, as I like/love her much too much for that, and also know that she will not cope very well on her own without me (tried leaving once b4 we got married but couldn't hack the fact it was making her ill) however I feel that my life is drifting by and I need some of the excitement and pleasure that I know exists elsewhere back in it. I basicaly want my own life!
So having gone round and round the options on this one, I have three options.. have a swift fling with someone to get it out of my system (and there have been several offers)... Try even harder to find what I want within my marriage (although I am not getting far with this, and sex on average once a month is desperately dissapointing).. or 3. have some sort of labido removal/join a monastry.
On a serious note.. how the hell do I get through this.. every day I see/meet women who excite and interest me yet I remain faithful to my wife. I am becoming an empty shell of my former existence, perdominantly filled with anger for letting this happen to me, and self loathing for not being satisfied with what I do have and considering being unfaithful.
Is this what marriage is about? I though people were kidding when they talked about wedding cake. Constructive thoughts/comments please guys..
Someone you all know well.
My life feels like a mess, can you help me?
Having been married for a few years, I've gradually watched the decline of spontaneous fun and frolic, and the settling in to the "comfortable" man and wife role.. having fought this along the way it seems to be some sort of inevitability that happens, beginning I'd guess from around a year after the wedding cake.
Sadly in my own circumstances I have really struggled with this concept, and have on a few occaisions considered having a quick fling.. basically to make me feel better about myself, and remind me how it feels to be wanted, rather than just someone who puts up shelves and avoids getting scolded for leaving things lying around, and not doing the washing up.
I find it a hard juncture in life, and find myself strangely detached from it all. I can't leave my wife, as I like/love her much too much for that, and also know that she will not cope very well on her own without me (tried leaving once b4 we got married but couldn't hack the fact it was making her ill) however I feel that my life is drifting by and I need some of the excitement and pleasure that I know exists elsewhere back in it. I basicaly want my own life!
So having gone round and round the options on this one, I have three options.. have a swift fling with someone to get it out of my system (and there have been several offers)... Try even harder to find what I want within my marriage (although I am not getting far with this, and sex on average once a month is desperately dissapointing).. or 3. have some sort of labido removal/join a monastry.
On a serious note.. how the hell do I get through this.. every day I see/meet women who excite and interest me yet I remain faithful to my wife. I am becoming an empty shell of my former existence, perdominantly filled with anger for letting this happen to me, and self loathing for not being satisfied with what I do have and considering being unfaithful.
Is this what marriage is about? I though people were kidding when they talked about wedding cake. Constructive thoughts/comments please guys..
Someone you all know well.
All three option revolve around sex. Is this the root of the problem as far as your concerned. i.e. Do you feel that your marriage would be great except for the lack of exciting frequent sex?
Is it more a case of reciprical passion...you don't 'lust' after you wife anymore even though you may love her...so sex is never going to be more than disappointing as long as it takes two to tango. (well properly anyway)
Do you think your depression regarding your life direction as a whole has affected your libido and landed you in the current situation you have re: sex?
Is it more a case of reciprical passion...you don't 'lust' after you wife anymore even though you may love her...so sex is never going to be more than disappointing as long as it takes two to tango. (well properly anyway)
Do you think your depression regarding your life direction as a whole has affected your libido and landed you in the current situation you have re: sex?
funkihamsta said:
Is it more a case of reciprical passion...you don't 'lust' after you wife anymore even though you may love her...so sex is never going to be more than disappointing as long as it takes two to tango. (well properly anyway)
absolutely spot on... although its partly the other way round... I do still fancy her but I get very little reciprocal passion from her anymore.. I get the impression that she's happy to have a settled loving marriage, yet I'm still after more of what we used to have...
>> Edited by Ashamed on Tuesday 5th November 11:27
(that was a joke!)In the final analysis you have 3 choices:
1, Dig in and make your marriage work to the best of your ability. Find new things to do together. Be honest with her and tell her you are unhappy. Tell her you want more for both of you than just bimbling cosiness. If she really loves you, and if she can see the level of your sorrow, she might just decide to dig in and make it work too.
2, Say nothing. Try to convince yourself you aint gonna have a fling. This will be a lie, cos you will have one one day. Maybe not this year or next, but you WILL succomb at some time and the longer you leave it the more vulnerable you will be. Then the crap really will hit the fan, and life will go from unbearable to intollerable overnight. Fear of being caught, the consequences if you are. And all the while you are getting older and the chance to rebuild gets smaller.
3, End the marriage. End it now. Tough call, cos she's dependant on you and you probably don't think you deserve to be made to feel like a total cnut - which you will be by friends and family - But if you are unhappy, then she probably is too in her heart of hearts. The longer you leave it the messier it is.
For me, I'd say that if you think you can make it work, go for option 1. If not go for 3. Only take option 2 if you really want to die a little bit every day.
Hope that helps
Andy 400se
1, Dig in and make your marriage work to the best of your ability. Find new things to do together. Be honest with her and tell her you are unhappy. Tell her you want more for both of you than just bimbling cosiness. If she really loves you, and if she can see the level of your sorrow, she might just decide to dig in and make it work too.
2, Say nothing. Try to convince yourself you aint gonna have a fling. This will be a lie, cos you will have one one day. Maybe not this year or next, but you WILL succomb at some time and the longer you leave it the more vulnerable you will be. Then the crap really will hit the fan, and life will go from unbearable to intollerable overnight. Fear of being caught, the consequences if you are. And all the while you are getting older and the chance to rebuild gets smaller.
3, End the marriage. End it now. Tough call, cos she's dependant on you and you probably don't think you deserve to be made to feel like a total cnut - which you will be by friends and family - But if you are unhappy, then she probably is too in her heart of hearts. The longer you leave it the messier it is.
For me, I'd say that if you think you can make it work, go for option 1. If not go for 3. Only take option 2 if you really want to die a little bit every day.
Hope that helps
Andy 400se
Ashamed said:
Podie said: Attempted to e-mail you something - but the address in your profile does not work.
too right.. I'm staying very anonymous for this one..thanks for the thought though
can u post it here ?
Stay anonymous - setup a 'net e-mail account and do it that way. If I thought it fit to post here, don't you think I would have done that?
Yup I agree with Andy below. A fling might feel good at the time, but it won't solve any problems - you'll be in the exact same position afterwards, probably eyeing up everything in a skirt. I think you HAVE to talk to her about this, but if you want my truthful opinion, it's gotta be difficult to get that passion back.
Do you have kids?
Prince
Do you have kids?
Prince
andymadmak said: In the final analysis you have 3 choices:
1, Dig in and make your marriage work to the best of your ability. Find new things to do together. Be honest with her and tell her you are unhappy. Tell her you want more for both of you than just bimbling cosiness. If she really loves you, and if she can see the level of your sorrow, she might just decide to dig in and make it work too.
2, Say nothing. Try to convince yourself you aint gonna have a fling. This will be a lie, cos you will have one one day. Maybe not this year or next, but you WILL succomb at some time and the longer you leave it the more vulnerable you will be. Then the crap really will hit the fan, and life will go from unbearable to intollerable overnight. Fear of being caught, the consequences if you are. And all the while you are getting older and the chance to rebuild gets smaller.
3, End the marriage. End it now. Tough call, cos she's dependant on you and you probably don't think you deserve to be made to feel like a total cnut - which you will be by friends and family - But if you are unhappy, then she probably is too in her heart of hearts. The longer you leave it the messier it is.
For me, I'd say that if you think you can make it work, go for option 1. If not go for 3. Only take option 2 if you really want to die a little bit every day.
Hope that helps
Andy 400se
Anday.. you never cease to amaze me with your sensible posts..
1. is my favourite option, however I have been trying this for at least 3 years now.. at waht point do I accept it for what it is?
2. Is my less favourite option, I just see it as a chance for me to get something out of my system (I'm not thinking long term affair here) so I can make my own feelings more bearable,
3. Is me least favourite option as it would destroy her and we would both loose so much.. we have a decade of history behind us, plus the inevetable morgage etc etc.. plus I'm the main earner so she would be severely restricted in her life.. I couldn't do it to her
.. this is why its so hard.. If I hated her it would be weasy but I DO love her very much.. I just hate myself these days.. Ashamed.
Andy has summed it up really well.
The only thing I would add is - really fling yourself into Option 1. Do everything you can to make things better. Can you think back to things you did together before you were married that you both enjoyed (I'm not talking about sex!). The sex part comes after making her feel romantic.
Part of why she may not be feeling sexy is that you are too tired (and feeling too stable) to really try the romantic stuff. She might be missing your early marriage as much as you are.
So. Fling yourself absolutely 100% into trying to relight the fire. Do this, at first, without speaking to her about doing so. She should be smart enough to work it out and respond herself. If she doesn't she's a fool because once you have to talk earnestly about not being happy there's a block between you that might be impossible to fix...and then I'm afraid its option 3 and all the heartache that goes with it.
You owe it to yourself for both YOUR happiness and hers to really try to make it work.
The only thing I would add is - really fling yourself into Option 1. Do everything you can to make things better. Can you think back to things you did together before you were married that you both enjoyed (I'm not talking about sex!). The sex part comes after making her feel romantic.
Part of why she may not be feeling sexy is that you are too tired (and feeling too stable) to really try the romantic stuff. She might be missing your early marriage as much as you are.
So. Fling yourself absolutely 100% into trying to relight the fire. Do this, at first, without speaking to her about doing so. She should be smart enough to work it out and respond herself. If she doesn't she's a fool because once you have to talk earnestly about not being happy there's a block between you that might be impossible to fix...and then I'm afraid its option 3 and all the heartache that goes with it.
You owe it to yourself for both YOUR happiness and hers to really try to make it work.
Ashamed,
you say you are not thinking of a long term affair?
That is the way they start and then things change and you begin to make comparisons between the two. Your opinions of your lovers will swing back and forth, filling you with guilt and making everyone involved unhappy. I have never been married but my roving eye has caused untold heartache to those I have loved and every day I wish I had not done it.
Try and sort things out or finish it, it is difficult but easier in the long run than having a fling.
Rich
you say you are not thinking of a long term affair?
That is the way they start and then things change and you begin to make comparisons between the two. Your opinions of your lovers will swing back and forth, filling you with guilt and making everyone involved unhappy. I have never been married but my roving eye has caused untold heartache to those I have loved and every day I wish I had not done it.
Try and sort things out or finish it, it is difficult but easier in the long run than having a fling.
Rich
Ashamed said: Prince Charming.. thanks for the honesty... No kids at present, might they help ?? I've been wondering...
I have no personal experience of this, but judging by my perception of other peoples' experience....and if sex (or lack of good stuff) is a big part of your situation, it'll only get worse.
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