May have been done before....but it's Friday.
Discussion
How many can you own up to?
Haynes Manual Glossary :
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer .........anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b u g g e r" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes Manual Glossary :
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer .........anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b u g g e r" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Been there, T-shirt etc. Haynes: remove trunnion locating pin....
Translation: Huh! Easy - what a car maintenance God I am!
Haynes:...[turn page]but first remove upper location lug to prevent whole assembly deforming.
Translation: Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger..... Next time I will read ahead to the end of the paragraph.
Niggle said: Its not known as the 'Haynes Book Of Lies' for nothing.
On the section in the Mini about replacing the vacuum return hose there is a one line paragrah IIRC that says:
'Slide the hose over the two connecting pipes and fasten the jubilee clips'
What they dont tell you though, is that the pipe is 3 inches long and the gap between the connectors is a half inch and its in the most difficult to reach position since the creation of the combustion engine.
I feel a class action law suit coming for lost skin!
Matt.
Does it have:
"fitting your exhaust: the wider the better as its louder which means it goes faster"
"wiring in washer lights, this makes the car look really cool esp if used with fog lights, under car lights, exhaust lights, or any other extra lights. As light travels very quickly it also gives you more Horse Power"
"Adding skirts and a large wing helps the car go through the air better giving an increase in power of at least 20%"
...and so on
"fitting your exhaust: the wider the better as its louder which means it goes faster"
"wiring in washer lights, this makes the car look really cool esp if used with fog lights, under car lights, exhaust lights, or any other extra lights. As light travels very quickly it also gives you more Horse Power"
"Adding skirts and a large wing helps the car go through the air better giving an increase in power of at least 20%"
...and so on
:What they dont tell you though, is that the pipe is 3 inches long and the gap between the connectors is a half inch and its in the most difficult to reach position since the creation of the combustion engine:
Funny, I could have sworn that accolade went to the space needed to fit a new starter motor into a Citreon GS.
Oh, what fun we had, when we were younger.....!
Simon
Funny, I could have sworn that accolade went to the space needed to fit a new starter motor into a Citreon GS.
Oh, what fun we had, when we were younger.....!
Simon
ssbell said: :What they dont tell you though, is that the pipe is 3 inches long and the gap between the connectors is a half inch and its in the most difficult to reach position since the creation of the combustion engine:
Funny, I could have sworn that accolade went to the space needed to fit a new starter motor into a Citreon GS.
Oh, what fun we had, when we were younger.....!
Simon
Read the quote and knew it was a mini! What about that damned exhaust top clamp!
I haven't driven fred for nearly three years and the skin is only just growing back. Oh those were the days.
Graham.J said: Have you seen the Max Muppet versions of the haynes manuals, OH DEAR, WHY??? >> Edited by Graham.J on Friday 8th November 13:05
What, no Orion?
www.sorted-orions.co.uk/
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