AAAAARGH - Major Head Fu#k
Discussion
I have got one hell of a dilemma, and have no idea what to do about it. Its been playing on my mind for a couple of days now and seeing all the advice that fellow PH'ers have given to other PH'ers I thought you might be able to give me some.
Situation is this:
As a youth I was a bit of a 'Mungo', played the field, one night stands and all that. I moved a short distance away, got a good job met, married my first wife and thought that i was going to live happily ever after.
Not so!
I got itchy feet, my work gave me the opportunity to meet several nice young ladies, and like a fool I started playing the field again, work gave me the opportunity to be away from home 3-4 nights a week. Life being as it is I eventually got caught/found out by the then wife. She went nuts, and life was hell, she was prepared to forgive and forget but I had fallen in love with the other woman who didnt know that I was married.
Long and short of it is that I left the first wife, virtually destroying her and moved in with the other woman. Wife made sure that the other woman found out that I was married. I managed to persuade the other woman to stay with me and life progressed on.
We wanted to buy a house, hers was rented at the time, she knew that I owned the house where my wife was living and suggested that I get her out and sell it. I have some morals, you might find that hard to believe reading the generalisaton of this thread and refused. I approached my soon to be ex wife and told her that I wanted to buy another house and signed my half of the house over to her, given the fact that we only had a £60k mortgage on it and it was worth somewhere between £270-£300k I felt that it was only proper given what I had done.
Life moved on, bought a new house, new woman pregnant, insanely jealous if anyone ever mentioned the wife, she was very possessive and constantly suspicious about what I was up to - not surprising really.
We are due to get married next summer, she wants a 'proper family' our child is almost 3 now.
We have talked and been fairly open about previous relationships etc but I still get the feeling that she don't trust me, and we agreed no skeletons in the closet etc.
Well the bombshell came in the post yesterday morning at work.
One of my ex flings from 17 years ago, god I was still a kid then! it appears according to her letter that I got her pregnant and disappeared, she brought the child up with someone she met years later and now aged 16 he wants to know who his real father is/was.
She says that her husband had brought the boy up as his own but they agreed that they would tell the truth when he was old enough to understand, and that they have got two other kids.
Apparently the child knows that the man he calls dad isn't his real dad and she wants to know how I would feel about her telling him that its me.
I dont know If I am coming or going at the moment, finding it hard to concentrate at work and at home, the 'missus' senses that there is something wrong and kept asking me what was up last night.
I was astounded to get the letter after all these years, and reading through it she explains how she found me. I have been doing a lot of work for a client at her place of employment and she has seen me several times and asked what the name of the company doing the work was and found me that way. I have apparently walked past her a couple of times in the reception and not batted an eyelid.
My question is WHAT DO I DO!
The 'missus' would probably go nuts, of course I'm curious, but then again I have got my own life too. The boy has got his life and 'a dad'. Initial thoughts were that she was after money, CSA etc sprang to mind.
She knows where I work and I am due at her employers next week to do some work there.
Can any of you offer me any advice, have any of you ever been in a similar situation?
IMO ? Tell your new partner. You might get a bad reaction, but it wont be nearly as bad as if you try and hide this from her and she finds out (which she will). This is, after all, something that happened 17 years ago, way before you ever met her, and you can show her the letter as proof that it's come as a much of a shock to you as it is to her ....
This site should now be called Problemheads.com!!
Seriously, tell the other half. If she goes off her head then you really ought to ask yourself why you are considering marrying a jealous Psyhco. She can hardly have a go at you for what you did in the past, but it isn't going to be easy for her to trust you either given your track record.The truth is usually the best option.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Seriously, tell the other half. If she goes off her head then you really ought to ask yourself why you are considering marrying a jealous Psyhco. She can hardly have a go at you for what you did in the past, but it isn't going to be easy for her to trust you either given your track record.The truth is usually the best option.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
You weren't given a chance to participate in the childs upbringing - so can hardly feel at fault here.
I would fess up to my new partner - It was way before her time anyway...so she would be unreasonable to not allow you time to explore your feelings on the subject of a child you never knew you had.
I would fess up to my new partner - It was way before her time anyway...so she would be unreasonable to not allow you time to explore your feelings on the subject of a child you never knew you had.
CarZee said:Umm.. because it's not yet legal to marry other men?
flasher said:you really ought to ask yourself why you are considering marrying a jealous Psyhco.
Boom Boom
ON a serious note.. rhymes with "Clucking Bell" !
Best tell the current one everything be as honest as you can.. otherwise by the sound of it there'll be a horses head in your bed..
Genuine comiserations,
Matt.
flasher said: This site should now be called Problemheads.com!!
Seriously, tell the other half. If she goes off her head then you really ought to ask yourself why you are considering marrying a jealous Psyhco. She can hardly have a go at you for what you did in the past, but it isn't going to be easy for her to trust you either given your track record.The truth is usually the best option.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
I have to bear in mind that she can be rather irrational as well as being insanely jealous and possessive. I cant imagine her giving me her blessing to contact an 'ex' and accept a 16 year old addition to the family.
I really cant get my head round it myself at the moment.
nevpugh308 said: IMO ? Tell your new partner. You might get a bad reaction, but it wont be nearly as bad as if you try and hide this from her and she finds out (which she will). This is, after all, something that happened 17 years ago, way before you ever met her, and you can show her the letter as proof that it's come as a much of a shock to you as it is to her ....
I agree, honesty being the best policy and all that. She might have a few strong words to say at first
but she will eventually calm down. I know a woman who is in the situation your partner is in, her husband of 15 years, had a young man turn up at their door out of the blue claiming to be his son, and he is 22, so that is even longer ago, she has been through all of the possible emotions
had time off work, the lot, but she is finally getting through it, so don't expect your partner to get over it quickly. They are actually in the process of getting a DNA test done, to be totally sure, as it was such a long time ago.
I hope all goes well sorting this out
Been There said:
I have to bear in mind that she can be rather irrational as well as being insanely jealous and possessive. I cant imagine her giving me her blessing to contact an 'ex' and accept a 16 year old addition to the family.
Bloody Hell forget what I said before about her getting over it eventually andRUUUUUUN
Marcos maniac said:
Bloody Hell
Erm till you decide what to do I think you should go sick next week.
Not sure if that would be a good idea or bad idea.
I work with my brother in law, yep the missus brother and we are both due at the job.
If I dont go I run the risk of the 'ex' possibly saying something to him, its gonna look a bit sus to her as ther has always been two of us there. She writes me a letter and I am suddenly absent.
he might think that it is strange if she starts asking questions.
On the other hand what if I go? Is she going to come up to me and say 'did you get my letter'.
AAAAAAAARRGH! why me.
I suppose I am gonna have to tell the missus and face the consequences.
trouble is I am curious about the child, but I really don't know if I want to get involved for his sake as well as mine.
First point of order; are you sure this young lad is your son? Why cause more heartache in your current marriage by tellling your wife before you are absolutely sure that this chap is actually your son.
Pay for the DNA test. I'm not saying it's the easy route by any length of the imagination but why cause even more grief on all sides just on the 'proof' of this woman's letter?
Unless you know it is actually your son etc etc.
If you are sure of things then tell your wife everything as soon as you can. If it's going to come out, it;s going to come out and it's far better for them to come out soonest rather than later. Plus I'm sure this is eating you alive too. If you are sure then please place bollocks in back pocket, take a deep breath, drive home and do the right thing.
Pay for the DNA test. I'm not saying it's the easy route by any length of the imagination but why cause even more grief on all sides just on the 'proof' of this woman's letter?
Unless you know it is actually your son etc etc.
If you are sure of things then tell your wife everything as soon as you can. If it's going to come out, it;s going to come out and it's far better for them to come out soonest rather than later. Plus I'm sure this is eating you alive too. If you are sure then please place bollocks in back pocket, take a deep breath, drive home and do the right thing.
Been There said:
I suppose I am gonna have to tell the missus and face the consequences.
trouble is I am curious about the child, but I really don't know if I want to get involved for his sake as well as mine.
Let's try and calm down here, will your partner really be so horrid about something that happened way before you met her? If so and she is so unreasonabe, do you really want to marry a woman that could make your life hell
Did the letter you got off your ex, really persuade you, that you are the father, i.e did she give you dates etc, that all add up?? Are you really convinced???
If this is your son, he is a complete stranger, do you really want to strike up a relationship with him, it will turn your life upside down, are you willing to do that?? or is it as you say just curiousity to see what he is like?
mrs fish said:
Let's try and calm down here, will your partner really be so horrid about something that happened way before you met her? If so and she is so unreasonabe, do you really want to marry a woman that could make your life hell
Did the letter you got off your ex, really persuade you, that you are the father, i.e did she give you dates etc, that all add up?? Are you really convinced???
The dates seem about right from what I recall, It was a long time ago but cant say that I'm 101% but Im pretty sure she could be right.
Perhaps the earlier suggestion of a DNA Test might be a good idea before I rock the boat at home, i dont know how I go about it, and would have to make contact with the 'ex' behind the 'missus' back to sort it.
Swings and roundabouts.
If this is your son, he is a complete stranger, do you really want to strike up a relationship with him, it will turn your life upside down, are you willing to do that?? or is it as you say just curiousity to see what he is like?
I can't help being curious, I think anyone in this position would be. I dont know about a relationship, he has already got a father figure, and i doubt that i can make up for 16 years.
I have no experience in this sort of thing, but maybe add this scenario to your list of options...
Why not buy yourself a bit of time. Write a note back to the boy's mother and say that it's been a real shock, and you need a bit of time to assimilate it yourself. Explain that you are in a relationship and whilst you have no desire to cause any distress to her or the boy or his dad, you need to come to terms with it yourself, and find a way for you and your partner to deal with it before you have a potentially damaging meeting with her son. Give her a date when you feel you could get in touch and talk to her (maybe meet her and take your partner with you?) about what she expects from you.
You do need some time anyway. And remember, the boy may not want some sort of cosy relationship with you; he may want to contact you to give you a sorting for the way he perceives you treated his mum all those years ago, and for not being there. You'd better be ready for all eventualities, and you need your partner to be supportive.
I dunno what to say about your current partner being irrationally jealous. I think it's a separate matter - are you happy to live that way? If so, it's not a problem (and it's nobody's business but yours and hers). This situation with the boy has just given you a reason to decide sooner rather than later.
All the very best
Why not buy yourself a bit of time. Write a note back to the boy's mother and say that it's been a real shock, and you need a bit of time to assimilate it yourself. Explain that you are in a relationship and whilst you have no desire to cause any distress to her or the boy or his dad, you need to come to terms with it yourself, and find a way for you and your partner to deal with it before you have a potentially damaging meeting with her son. Give her a date when you feel you could get in touch and talk to her (maybe meet her and take your partner with you?) about what she expects from you.
You do need some time anyway. And remember, the boy may not want some sort of cosy relationship with you; he may want to contact you to give you a sorting for the way he perceives you treated his mum all those years ago, and for not being there. You'd better be ready for all eventualities, and you need your partner to be supportive.
I dunno what to say about your current partner being irrationally jealous. I think it's a separate matter - are you happy to live that way? If so, it's not a problem (and it's nobody's business but yours and hers). This situation with the boy has just given you a reason to decide sooner rather than later.
All the very best
For crying out loud, just tell your wife. "Bollocks in back pocket" is probably a wise precaution, but at least you know when she's gonna kick you.
The Bro' in law is deffinately an exassebating(sp?) factor. Having him around is deffinately gonna up the chances of bean spillage.
Tell her now and get it out the way, for everyone's sake. Then, even if this turns out to be a false alarm, you've shown you can be trusted over something so important and scary.
You never know, it may change her outlook and quell some of her possesiveness.
Just a thought.
Sorry if that sounded unsympathetic, it's just a pretty serious situation, that many a red blooded male must have had nightmares about (I know I have).
All best, I hope it turns out well...
Mouse
>> Edited by danger mouse 'cos I'm an unfeeling gimp!
>> Edited by danger mouse on Wednesday 20th November 18:08
The Bro' in law is deffinately an exassebating(sp?) factor. Having him around is deffinately gonna up the chances of bean spillage.
Tell her now and get it out the way, for everyone's sake. Then, even if this turns out to be a false alarm, you've shown you can be trusted over something so important and scary.
You never know, it may change her outlook and quell some of her possesiveness.
Just a thought.
Sorry if that sounded unsympathetic, it's just a pretty serious situation, that many a red blooded male must have had nightmares about (I know I have
). All best, I hope it turns out well...
Mouse
>> Edited by danger mouse 'cos I'm an unfeeling gimp!
>> Edited by danger mouse on Wednesday 20th November 18:08
rude girl said: I have no experience in this sort of thing, but maybe add this scenario to your list of options...
Why not buy yourself a bit of time. Write a note back to the boy's mother and say that it's been a real shock, and you need a bit of time to assimilate it yourself. Explain that you are in a relationship and whilst you have no desire to cause any distress to her or the boy or his dad, you need to come to terms with it yourself, and find a way for you and your partner to deal with it before you have a potentially damaging meeting with her son. Give her a date when you feel you could get in touch and talk to her (maybe meet her and take your partner with you?) about what she expects from you.
That sounded like a good idea, I logged on quickly at home last night and read some of the replies. Thought I would write the letter this morning and post it.
Got to act bloody quickly now, had an early call this morning from the boss and I have got to go to the other 'ex's' place of work today A.S.A.P. No getting out of it. one good thing is 'bro-in-law' is at college today and cant come.
This is gonna be a nightmare,
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