Best "Put-downs?"

[mannginger]

At the risk of starting another "Sean Connery joke section" a mate and I have just been seriously dissing each other - had us in stitches.

What are the best "put downs" you know?

For example....Your mother's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on the lightbulb.

[gopher]

got a "p1ss of you short fat ugly b4stard, I wouldn't go with you if it was a requirement to get into heaven, I'd rather rot in damnation" from someone I wasn't even talking to never mind chatting up.

>> Edited by gopher on Saturday 4th January 22:11

[Simonelite501]

Stolen from a Steve Martin film called "Parenthood" I think, " I wouldn't live with you if the world was flooded with piss, and you lived in a tree!"

[jmorgan]

Heard from a Cadet Army sarge on parade.
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING DOWN THERE FOR? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF!

[Graham.J]

Taken from Full Metal Jacket:

You little piece of shit! You look like a worm! I'll bet it was you!
--------------------------------------------------
Well ...no shit. What have we got here, a comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and **** my sister.

--------------------------------------------------

HARTMAN
How tall are you, Private?

COWBOY
Sir, five foot nine, sir!

HARTMAN
Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit
that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on
me somewhere, huh?

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir.

HARTMAN
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of
you ran down the crack of your mama's ass
and ended up as a brown stain on the
mattress! I think you've been cheated!

HARTMAN
Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?

COWBOY
Sir, Texas, sir!

HARTMAN
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and queers
come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you
don't look much like a steer to me, so that
kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks!

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!


HARTMAN
Are you a peter-puffer?

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would ****
a person in the ass and not even have the
goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-
around! I'll be watching you!

-------------------------------------------------

HARTMAN
Do you suck dicks?


PYLE
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball
through a garden hose!

PYLE
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
I don't like the name Lawrence! Only faggots
and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on
you're Gomer Pyle!

[johnny senna]

Sir Winston Churchill's were the best.
At a dinner party.....
Woman to Churchill, "Do you mind if I smoke?"
Churchill, "Madam, I don't care if you burn."

At another dinner party.....
Woman to Churchill, "Mr Churchill, you are drunk!"
Churchill to woman, "Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning, I shall be sober."

[Pelo]

ooookkkk^^^???

"I may be fat, but you are ugly. I can lose weight."

[Big_M]

One of the blokes at work once asked if I was putting on weight (that's builders for you - uncouth lot).

I replied - Andy, when my arse gets as big as your mouth then I will worry about it - but at the moment I have a long way to go.

My favourite has to be - God ruined a perfectly good arsehole when he put a nose on your face.

[gopher]

Another Churchill one

Woman: If I was your wife I would poison your drink.
Churchill: If you were my wife I would drink it.

[Don]

Aprocryphal: (And I belive attributed to a number of contemporaries).

Woman: Sir. You are drunk.
Churchill: Madam, I may be drunk but you are ugly and I shall be sober in the morning.

[Don]

Another I rather like:

Woman to man: "No, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."

Man to woman: "You couldn't turn me on if I had a switch."

[Don]

And finally (for use in dull meetings).


"Thank you for your contribution. I'm sure were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

(Said with deep sincerity... )

[Don]

Can't resist a couple more...

"If I throw a stick. Will you leave?"

(ouch!)

and

"Sarcasm? Hey everyone. That was sarcasm! Billy, do it again so everyone can hear...."

[RJO]

Since so many like the classics.......I believe it was Lady Astor who said
"He can't see a belt without hitting under it".

[MikeG]

Another classic:
"I am not used to entering a battle of wits with an unarmed person"

Mike

[Deester]

A few choice 'your mamma' quotes.

Your mamma is so fat:

she is on both sides of the family

her belt size is equator

when her pager goes off people think she is reversing

Think I have spent too much time watching trashy American films.

[squirrelz]

Yo mammas so fat, I swerved to avoid her and ran out of gas.

[joospeed]

comedian to heckler :
"I never tell a joke when I'm looking at one!" ...

[JonRB]

Said by female stand-up comedian to male heckler:
"Do your zip up, luv; your brain is hanging out"

[JonRB]

There are some loveley ones here.

One that I always thought was Oscar Wilde, but is actually attributed to Winston Churchill is as follows:

Churchill is dozing in a train carriage. A woman enters and sits across from him. She notices his flies are undone. 'Sir!' she exclaims, 'Your penis is sticking out!'

Churchill starts awake, gives the woman a cold stare, looks down for a moment then meets her gaze again. 'Madam, you flatter yourself. It is merely hanging out.'

>> Edited by JonRB on Sunday 5th January 17:43