Customer Services

[PetrolTed]

Grrrr.... why, why, why do they waste so much of my time and tell me different things every time I call!

[TheLemming]

Grrrr.... why, why, why do they waste so much of my time and tell me different things every time I call!

Probably because your dealing with a call centre staffed by undertrained temps who have no idea at all how to solve the problem, but will happily say anything at all to get you off the phone...

Not that Im at all cynical after 5 years in call centre management...

>> Edited by TheLemming on Thursday 6th February 09:57

[pdv6]

NURSE!

[PetrolTed]

Nope, I'm dealing directly with accounts and my 'sales manager'. Contradicting each other, not returning calls, not applying credits to my account when they say they will then telling me that I was wrong all along.

I almost don't give a stuff about my original problem now because their dealings with me have made me more mad!

[gbgaffer]

H*****x Building Soc. Call centre

Me: Can I speak to someone at my Branch?
Them: Not necessary Sir, we have all your details and can answer any question you may have.
Me: Oh OK then, where is the closest car park to the Branch?
Them:.............

Cheers

Graham

[TheLemming]

gbgaffer said: H*****x Building Soc. Call centre

Me: Can I speak to someone at my Branch?
Them: Not necessary Sir, we have all your details and can answer any question you may have.
Me: Oh OK then, where is the closest car park to the Branch?
Them:.............

Cheers

Graham

Excellent

An actual coffee on monitor moment

[Mark Benson]

PetrolTed said: Nope, I'm dealing directly with accounts and my 'sales manager'.

Every pimply 17 year-old in a call centre these days is either a 'manager' or an 'executive' Ted, just means you're speaking to the equivalent of a '3 star' burger flipper instead of a one star.

[TheLemming]

Thats pretty much what I said

There are some damn effective call centre setups out there (Ive been involved in setting some of them up *pats self on back*)

However there are one hell of a lot more that are complete and total nightmares from everones perspecive.

"Hello my name is Muppet, How can I screw up your finances/life/business ?"

[iguana]

I had the best ever customer services letter from a guy complaining at NTL. Ive only got it printed out now, (so I cant post it here) but it did the rounds on e-mail a year or so ago. So if anyone had the letter post it up here, coz its excellent and sums up every thing youy want to say to these clueless fools.

[pdv6]

99% sure its been posted here before.
Saying that, I've done a quick search and haven't found it...

[pbrettle]

On a slightly different note, but related to call centres and numpties.... you know when a bank calls you back or whatever to run through something (works when you call them also, just not as good) - they ask you to authenticate yourself. You know the usual : Name, DOB and Postcode then the 3rd digit of your passcode etc....

Well, turn it back on them - ask them to authenticate themselves. You cant tell if they are just getting your details for fraud. So get them to tell you that they are actually at the bank etc... Rather good fun.

Those that understand what you mean stumble around for something, the real numpties havent got a clue... you can keep them on the phone for ages.... Well worth trying if you get bored and what a laugh.

Cheers,

Paul

P.S. The other good one is to check the change you get when you hand over a note and they 'examine' it - i.e. holding it up to the light etc. You then check the change and any note in return... done that before and the look on the cashiers face was a picture....

[MikeyT]

Enjoying this thread ...

[Bonce]

This should ring a bell with all customers of a certain telecoms provider...

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe

[rude girl]

pbrettle said: Well, turn it back on them - ask them to authenticate themselves.

This happened to me only last night! Phone rang while I was cooking tea, it goes like this:

caller: 'Can I speak to Miss Clarke?'
rude: 'speaking'
caller: 'This is Barclays Bank, is this a good time to talk?'
rude: 'that depends, what do you want to talk about?'
caller: 'before we can go in to any more detail, we need you to confirm your initial and address, for security reasons - could you just give me that?'
rude: 'No'
caller: 'pardon, why is that?'
rude: You called me, what do you want to speak to me about
caller: um, we need security checks to prove who you are before I can tell you
rude: No, you called me - you prove who you are, tell me what you want to talk about and then I'll decide whether it's a good time to talk
caller: This is Barclays Bank
rude: That doesn't actually prove much, let me demonstrate; This is NASA, could you give me some personal details please? You see what I mean?
caller: but I can't talk to you if you don't give me the information
rude: Then don't talk to me. Good evening. Nice chatting

I know I was horrid to her, but I enjoyed the game. And really, it could have been just anyone!

[iguana]

Hurrah cheers Bonce thats the letter, I think its ace lots!

Surely this must be one of the best paragraphs I've ever read-

"How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy"

Love it


>> Edited by iguana on Thursday 6th February 14:12

[Marcos maniac]

BONCE

PMSLOL

Hmm! this will make an excellant outline/draft copy for a letter I have to send to a large electrical retailers (lack of) customer services department,

[drux]

I had a couple of calls on my answer phone which went like this..

my answer phone records the date and time of the call and as im away during the week i get all my messages on friday (helps weed out the crap calls)

Monday 9pm message Hi, can you call 000-000-0000
Tuesday 8pm message Hi, can you call 000-000-0000
Wednesday 8:30pm message Hi, can you call 000-000-0000
Thurdsay 9pm message Hi, can you call 000-000-0000
Friday 7pm message Hi, can you call 000-000-0000

so on saturday i call 000-000-0000

The phone is answered strate away.

them) Hello can i have you account number
me) err yes who are you?
them) need your account number and security
me) well i need to know who you are before i can give it to you
them) You call us
me) I just phoned the number you left on my answer phone, you did not leave a name.
them) I can help you unless you give me an account number
me) err ok, well its not important you left 5 messages on my answer phone.
them) sorry I need an account number to help you
me) Sorry then bye.

Drux

[pdv6]

Drux - Class:

[TheLemming]

There is an excellent scrpt for people recieving cold calls doing the rounds.

I will see if I can track it down. Anyone who has either done this or been on the recieving end will definitely appreciate it

[Bonce]

You mean this: www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscrpt.html

that link doesn't seem to work if you click on it, but it does from my bookmark. Try going to the pdf directly: www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/english/counters.pdf

Ahh, Ted's anti-scr!pt mechanism takes the letter I out, so click on the first link and put the letter i in the obvious place.

>> Edited by Bonce on Thursday 6th February 14:25