Tommy Cooperisms....
Discussion
Well you've probably heard them, but thinking of the big man saying 'em still makes me laugh.... Go on have a giggle!!
Tommy Cooperisms..........to brighten up the day.
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Tommy Cooperisms..........to brighten up the day.
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
I like the classic: 'I was driving down the road the other day and my boss called me up and said I'd been promoted; I was so shocked I swerved. He rang me again a few minutes later to say I'd been promoted again and I swerved again. A few minutes after that he rang and said I'd been promoted again, I was so shocked I swerved off the road and hit a tree. When the police turned up they asked me what happened; I said I'd careered off the road.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Chap went to the doctors and said "Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.” And the doctor said, "Well just pull yourself together."
Tommy Cooper eh, genius? The best (in fact only) bit of the Dome was inside the skull listening to Tommy Cooper jokes and watching the reaction of all the foreign visitors trying to figure out why I was in stitches!
Rich...
Tommy Cooper eh, genius? The best (in fact only) bit of the Dome was inside the skull listening to Tommy Cooper jokes and watching the reaction of all the foreign visitors trying to figure out why I was in stitches!
Rich... 
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said
"Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said
"Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
RichB said:
Tommy Cooper eh, genius? The best (in fact only) bit of the Dome was inside the skull listening to Tommy Cooper jokes and watching the reaction of all the foreign visitors trying to figure out why I was in stitches!
that bit and the blackadder film - taking the p1ss out of other nations while the tourists (a lot of whom from said nations) sit there stony faced - classic
or what about slackbladder & baldrick in that time machine thing with the T-Rex about to eat them?
Blackadder: Go away
T-Rex: slobber/roar
Blackadder:Look, SOD OFF!
T-Rex: slobber/ROAR
Blackadder:Bugger.
masterly understatement
:rollingaboutlikeafool:
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