25 Clarkson Quotes
Discussion
Probably done before but I just read these a thought I'd share.
1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”
6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”
7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
14. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t
you?”
18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”
6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”
7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
14. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t
you?”
18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
king hilarious
Brilliant
Brilliant!1) "They (Maserati's) were handmade, and handmade is just another way of saying the door will fall off."
2) The whole of the below is pure genius. Clarkson on the Bristol Blenheim 3G:
"This car looked like it had been made by me. And I simply cannot think of a worse thing to say. It was awful. Beyond awful. The handle, for instance, which you pull to open the glove box was not a handle at all. It appeared to be a 3in length of flex from a 1940s telephone receiver which had been crudely screwed to the wood by someone with the carpentry skills of Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The screws weren’t level. They weren’t the same. And their heads were exposed, burred and scarred. Like they would be if they’d been put there by a poet"
"....The switches were astonishing. Not only did they appear to have been lifted from my grandfather’s mahogany gramophone, which was the size of a sofa, but it seems they’d been positioned on the dashboard in a team-building game of pin the tail on the donkey.
Either that or someone fires them at the dash using a catapult and then nails them down wherever they land. “Where’s the switch for the lights?” I asked the minder. “Dunno mate, could be anywhere.” Absolutely. I couldn’t find it but then I didn’t look in the passenger footwell or behind the sun visor."
"...(I)examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse.
No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse."
2) The whole of the below is pure genius. Clarkson on the Bristol Blenheim 3G:
"This car looked like it had been made by me. And I simply cannot think of a worse thing to say. It was awful. Beyond awful. The handle, for instance, which you pull to open the glove box was not a handle at all. It appeared to be a 3in length of flex from a 1940s telephone receiver which had been crudely screwed to the wood by someone with the carpentry skills of Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The screws weren’t level. They weren’t the same. And their heads were exposed, burred and scarred. Like they would be if they’d been put there by a poet"
"....The switches were astonishing. Not only did they appear to have been lifted from my grandfather’s mahogany gramophone, which was the size of a sofa, but it seems they’d been positioned on the dashboard in a team-building game of pin the tail on the donkey.
Either that or someone fires them at the dash using a catapult and then nails them down wherever they land. “Where’s the switch for the lights?” I asked the minder. “Dunno mate, could be anywhere.” Absolutely. I couldn’t find it but then I didn’t look in the passenger footwell or behind the sun visor."
"...(I)examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse.
No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse."
Edited by Stu - B on Friday 18th September 20:16
"Stu-B, put the whole thing back up. Please."
Sorry. Thought I may get into trouble for placing a whole article as opposed to a quote.
Link to article here: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/driving/jeremy_cl...
Enjoy!
SB
Sorry. Thought I may get into trouble for placing a whole article as opposed to a quote.
Link to article here: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/driving/jeremy_cl...
Enjoy!
SB
Edited by Stu - B on Friday 18th September 20:55
Mag1calTrev0r said:
20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
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