Your car is near the end of the line when...
Discussion
I’m making most of these up as I go along. I hope you like them.
1. You know you drive a clunker when the city doesn’t send you an excise tax bill because the car isn’t worth enough to make the excise tax greater than the postage.
2. You know you drive a clunker when it runs better AFTER the fire.
3. You know you drive a clunker when you get on the brakes and the rear wheels leave the ground.
4. You know you drive a clunker when you climb in and the chassis flexes visibly.
5. You know you drive a clunker when the steering’s heavy and slow until the power steering cuts in at 50 MPH, whereupon it becomes very light, very quick, and entirely free of anything resembling “feel”.
6. You know you drive a clunker when you decide to test the dampers (shocks) by pushing down on the trunklid. The car goes down, all right, but it doesn’t come up!
7. You know you drive a clunker when it’s got four tires of different sizes, mounted on four wheels of different sizes. And the tires aren’t quite the right size for the wheels. And you discover on Tire Rack that you can’t find the one on the right rear because it’s a motorcycle tire!
8. You know you drive a clunker when you get a speeding ticket thrown out on the grounds that the speed you’re accused of driving is greater than the maximum speed of the car.
9. You know you drive a clunker when you stomp on the brakes with all your might, and the wheels don’t lock up, and the seat breaks off the tracks!
10. You know you drive a clunker when people on bicycles come up to you and say “wanna race?”
11. You know you drive a clunker when it handles like it’s just gone OFF the rails.
12. You know you drive a clunker when it fails the autocross inspection. In fact, the tech inspector called Mr. Heller over to see how you’ve ingeniously secured the battery with a bootlace and a zip-tie.
13. You know you drive a clunker when a policeman accuses you of driving without an automobile.
14. You know you drive a clunker when you go to measure the weight distribution, and the results come back like this:
34% Left Front
37% Right Front
15% Left Rear
12% Right Rear
3% AWOL during test
15. You know you drive a clunker when it’s just snowed, you’ve got snow tires on the front, a baldy on the left rear, the aforementioned motorcycle tire on the right rear, and it’s STILL got terminal understeer.
16. You know you drive a clunker when it passes the state inspection and the inspector says “Thanks for the six-pack”.
17. You know you drive a clunker when the registration arrives and it’s already expired.
18. You know you drive a clunker when you have to add oil between fill-ups.
19. I can’t decide what sort of car I’ve got. It’s not a winter car because it doesn’t have any traction. It’s not a spring car because it isn’t quick or fun to drive. It’s not a summer car because it overheats. It’s not a fall car because it goes sideways whenever it hits a wet leaf wrong.
20. You know you drive a clunker when you haven’t added any equipment, but you have added three additional switches on the dash to control what the computer can’t.
21. You know you drive a clunker when you’re driving down the highway in the right-hand lane, you’ve got the throttle wide-open, and people are still flashing their high-beams at you.
22. You know you drive a clunker when it’ll go 76 in second and only 73 in third.
23. You know you drive a clunker when you realize that it has the same quarter-mile time as a stock ’37 Plymouth.
24. You know you drive a clunker when you can beat it in the hundred-yard dash.
25. You know you drive a clunker when the steering used to be 5 turns lock-to-lock, but now it’s 4 turns lock-to-horrible-grinding-sound.
26. You know you drive a clunker when somebody asks you how big the engine is and you say “Depends on how many cylinders it’s running on. If all four worked, it would be about 120 cubic inches.”
27. You know you drive a clunker when you call for an insurance quote and the agent starts crying.
28. You know you drive a clunker when you leak more fuel than you burn.
29. You know you drive a clunker when the leakdown test reveals that, technically, it isn’t supposed to be running.
30. You know you drive a clunker when somebody asks about the zero-to-sixty time and you say “Yes, on a good day”.
31. You know you drive a clunker when the only reason the engine doesn’t overheat is because you’re waiting at the side of the road for the transmission to cool down!
32. You know you drive a clunker when you stall your car pulling away from a light. Oh yes, it’s an automatic.
33. You know you drive a clunker when you seriously consider installing a crank-handle for starting.
34. You know you drive a clunker when you try to get on the Turnpike and the tollbooth operator says “No way Jose.”
35. You know you drive a clunker when starting is a fifteen-step procedure involving three different volatile liquids and the repeated application of the oldest words in the English language.
36. In a clunker, you face this dilemma whenever it rains and you’re on the road. Your windshield wipers don’t work, so you can’t keep driving, but if you stop you’ll drown!
37. You know you drive a clunker when somebody starts to ask if they can borrow your car, then see it and say “never mind”.
38. You know you drive a clunker when you can call its bodywork “composite” now that you’ve got some Bondo to hold the rust, dirt, and sludge together.
39. You know you drive a clunker when you refer to the broomstick across the backlight as “the roll-bar”.
40. You know you drive a clunker when a rollcage made from PVC plumbing doesn’t look out of place.
41. You know you drive a clunker when you can’t put a jackstand underneath the car to support it because the jack’s already in the only place that’s strong enough to support the car’s weight.
42. You know you drive a clunker when the Triple-A dispatcher recognizes your voice.
43. You know you drive a clunker when the tow-truck operator asks “which scrapyard?”
44. You know you drive a clunker when the passengers are expected to serve as structural members. “Tim, you hold the door closed. Matt, you keep that seam from bursting. Mark, you make sure that the roof doesn’t collapse.”
45. You know you drive a clunker when it requires lower-octane gas than your lawnmower.
46. You know you drive a clunker when the only reason the Coast Guard doesn’t sink it is because it’s on land.
47. You know you drive a clunker when the scrapyard initially refuses to take it on the grounds of a lack of useful parts.
48. You know you drive a clunker when it’s got a fake FSO badge on it.
49. You know you drive a clunker when you keep track of every penny spent on it, and the two pounds fifty lost through the hole in the floor represented 28% of the monthly budget for its operation.
50. Clunker ownership is the practice of financially-sound driving. Its downsides are:
- Driving when you’ve got time and cycling when you’re in a hurry.
- Fending off the EPA, NHTSA, DOT, the Police Department, the Fire Department, and the Water Safety Bureau.
- Asking to borrow another car whenever your destination is out of walking distance, and driving only along bus routes when your request is denied!
As far as I know, this is original work or was created independently of any other similar list. Charles Kaneb 2004.
1. You know you drive a clunker when the city doesn’t send you an excise tax bill because the car isn’t worth enough to make the excise tax greater than the postage.
2. You know you drive a clunker when it runs better AFTER the fire.
3. You know you drive a clunker when you get on the brakes and the rear wheels leave the ground.
4. You know you drive a clunker when you climb in and the chassis flexes visibly.
5. You know you drive a clunker when the steering’s heavy and slow until the power steering cuts in at 50 MPH, whereupon it becomes very light, very quick, and entirely free of anything resembling “feel”.
6. You know you drive a clunker when you decide to test the dampers (shocks) by pushing down on the trunklid. The car goes down, all right, but it doesn’t come up!
7. You know you drive a clunker when it’s got four tires of different sizes, mounted on four wheels of different sizes. And the tires aren’t quite the right size for the wheels. And you discover on Tire Rack that you can’t find the one on the right rear because it’s a motorcycle tire!
8. You know you drive a clunker when you get a speeding ticket thrown out on the grounds that the speed you’re accused of driving is greater than the maximum speed of the car.
9. You know you drive a clunker when you stomp on the brakes with all your might, and the wheels don’t lock up, and the seat breaks off the tracks!
10. You know you drive a clunker when people on bicycles come up to you and say “wanna race?”
11. You know you drive a clunker when it handles like it’s just gone OFF the rails.
12. You know you drive a clunker when it fails the autocross inspection. In fact, the tech inspector called Mr. Heller over to see how you’ve ingeniously secured the battery with a bootlace and a zip-tie.
13. You know you drive a clunker when a policeman accuses you of driving without an automobile.
14. You know you drive a clunker when you go to measure the weight distribution, and the results come back like this:
34% Left Front
37% Right Front
15% Left Rear
12% Right Rear
3% AWOL during test
15. You know you drive a clunker when it’s just snowed, you’ve got snow tires on the front, a baldy on the left rear, the aforementioned motorcycle tire on the right rear, and it’s STILL got terminal understeer.
16. You know you drive a clunker when it passes the state inspection and the inspector says “Thanks for the six-pack”.
17. You know you drive a clunker when the registration arrives and it’s already expired.
18. You know you drive a clunker when you have to add oil between fill-ups.
19. I can’t decide what sort of car I’ve got. It’s not a winter car because it doesn’t have any traction. It’s not a spring car because it isn’t quick or fun to drive. It’s not a summer car because it overheats. It’s not a fall car because it goes sideways whenever it hits a wet leaf wrong.
20. You know you drive a clunker when you haven’t added any equipment, but you have added three additional switches on the dash to control what the computer can’t.
21. You know you drive a clunker when you’re driving down the highway in the right-hand lane, you’ve got the throttle wide-open, and people are still flashing their high-beams at you.
22. You know you drive a clunker when it’ll go 76 in second and only 73 in third.
23. You know you drive a clunker when you realize that it has the same quarter-mile time as a stock ’37 Plymouth.
24. You know you drive a clunker when you can beat it in the hundred-yard dash.
25. You know you drive a clunker when the steering used to be 5 turns lock-to-lock, but now it’s 4 turns lock-to-horrible-grinding-sound.
26. You know you drive a clunker when somebody asks you how big the engine is and you say “Depends on how many cylinders it’s running on. If all four worked, it would be about 120 cubic inches.”
27. You know you drive a clunker when you call for an insurance quote and the agent starts crying.
28. You know you drive a clunker when you leak more fuel than you burn.
29. You know you drive a clunker when the leakdown test reveals that, technically, it isn’t supposed to be running.
30. You know you drive a clunker when somebody asks about the zero-to-sixty time and you say “Yes, on a good day”.
31. You know you drive a clunker when the only reason the engine doesn’t overheat is because you’re waiting at the side of the road for the transmission to cool down!
32. You know you drive a clunker when you stall your car pulling away from a light. Oh yes, it’s an automatic.
33. You know you drive a clunker when you seriously consider installing a crank-handle for starting.
34. You know you drive a clunker when you try to get on the Turnpike and the tollbooth operator says “No way Jose.”
35. You know you drive a clunker when starting is a fifteen-step procedure involving three different volatile liquids and the repeated application of the oldest words in the English language.
36. In a clunker, you face this dilemma whenever it rains and you’re on the road. Your windshield wipers don’t work, so you can’t keep driving, but if you stop you’ll drown!
37. You know you drive a clunker when somebody starts to ask if they can borrow your car, then see it and say “never mind”.
38. You know you drive a clunker when you can call its bodywork “composite” now that you’ve got some Bondo to hold the rust, dirt, and sludge together.
39. You know you drive a clunker when you refer to the broomstick across the backlight as “the roll-bar”.
40. You know you drive a clunker when a rollcage made from PVC plumbing doesn’t look out of place.
41. You know you drive a clunker when you can’t put a jackstand underneath the car to support it because the jack’s already in the only place that’s strong enough to support the car’s weight.
42. You know you drive a clunker when the Triple-A dispatcher recognizes your voice.
43. You know you drive a clunker when the tow-truck operator asks “which scrapyard?”
44. You know you drive a clunker when the passengers are expected to serve as structural members. “Tim, you hold the door closed. Matt, you keep that seam from bursting. Mark, you make sure that the roof doesn’t collapse.”
45. You know you drive a clunker when it requires lower-octane gas than your lawnmower.
46. You know you drive a clunker when the only reason the Coast Guard doesn’t sink it is because it’s on land.
47. You know you drive a clunker when the scrapyard initially refuses to take it on the grounds of a lack of useful parts.
48. You know you drive a clunker when it’s got a fake FSO badge on it.
49. You know you drive a clunker when you keep track of every penny spent on it, and the two pounds fifty lost through the hole in the floor represented 28% of the monthly budget for its operation.
50. Clunker ownership is the practice of financially-sound driving. Its downsides are:
- Driving when you’ve got time and cycling when you’re in a hurry.
- Fending off the EPA, NHTSA, DOT, the Police Department, the Fire Department, and the Water Safety Bureau.
- Asking to borrow another car whenever your destination is out of walking distance, and driving only along bus routes when your request is denied!
As far as I know, this is original work or was created independently of any other similar list. Charles Kaneb 2004.
quality! 
chaparral said:
8. You know you drive a clunker when you get a speeding ticket thrown out on the grounds that the speed you’re accused of driving is greater than the maximum speed of the car.
Reminds me of a story in Practical Classics once - a guy had (somehow) managed to fit a Triumph straight-six from a TR5 into a Standard 10 (rebadged 'Standard six' but otherwise appeared, well, standard). Caught for speeding and pulled over, to which the officer replied (when seeing the Standard) 'I'm sorry, there must be something wrong with my equipment as it says you've just done 130mph'!
v8thunder said:
8. You know you drive a clunker when you get a speeding ticket thrown out on the grounds that the speed you’re accused of driving is greater than the maximum speed of the car.
Reminds me of a story in Practical Classics once - a guy had (somehow) managed to fit a Triumph straight-six from a TR5 into a Standard 10 (rebadged 'Standard six' but otherwise appeared, well, standard). Caught for speeding and pulled over, to which the officer replied (when seeing the Standard) 'I'm sorry, there must be something wrong with my equipment as it says you've just done 130mph'!
Guy I know has a Rover V8 engined Morris Minor. Outwardly standard but an absolute rocket. Got to just over he ton in it once - never again. It scared me rigid.
Far more pleasing was a 300 bhp Cosworth turbo powered MGB roadster. Massively quick and felt very safe.
A mate of mine used to refer to this mode of transport as "Minimum motoring".
A few experiences of mine to add to the list;
When somebody asked for a lift I had to say, "you'll need welly boots, there's a big puddle in the footwell."
The engine was smoking so much that a friend asked if piston rings were an optional extra with that model.
A mate cadged a lift one wet night in a Mini, whereupon he was asked to pull the strings attached to the wipers as the wiper motor had died.
It burns so much oil that mpg could refer to petrol and oil consumption, and both numbers are very close.
A few experiences of mine to add to the list;
When somebody asked for a lift I had to say, "you'll need welly boots, there's a big puddle in the footwell."
The engine was smoking so much that a friend asked if piston rings were an optional extra with that model.
A mate cadged a lift one wet night in a Mini, whereupon he was asked to pull the strings attached to the wipers as the wiper motor had died.
It burns so much oil that mpg could refer to petrol and oil consumption, and both numbers are very close.
rsvmilly said:
I knew I drove a clunker when I used to wander about Universal Salvage for parts and realised that some of the cars thrown away were better than mine!
I've done that very thing!
I started to realise my car was a clunker when my friends pointed out that I shouldnt have to bend the door trim back and reach into the (rainwater-filled) door shell to push my window back up.
I also had to smile at the look of bemusement on the MOT guy's face as he handed me my pass certificate last year!
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