PH goes drag racing...

...which is a more appealing prospect than PH going racing in drag

Green. Go. Pedal to the metal, the scream of tortured rubber, the smell of knackered clutch. Drag racing is the purest, most egalitarian form of motorsport and practised at traffic lights across the nation every single day. Let's be honest, it's the first 'racing' we all tried ... usually against our mates within minutes of passing our driving tests.

Run what ya brung? PH brung a wagon

Admit it, you've been there: at the traffic lights when another car pulls up. He gives you a little look. A blip of the throttle... Game on! It's not big, it's not clever but it is so bloody human. It's the purity of it that appeals. The test of who's fastest, without the complication of corners, pit stops or, well, anything at all. It's why 'run what ya brung' events continue to be so popular.

The Race the Runway drag event at Edinburgh airport is unique. Set up to raise money for the Prince and Princess of Wales Hospice, it utilises the auxiliary runway and our timed runs start just a couple of hundred yards from the terminal buildings and with passenger jets taxiing by just a few yards away. It's a hell of a backdrop.

We're there on the invitation of sponsors Mercedes at the wheel of an E63 S estate we, by some sort of spooky coincidence, have on test. Seems rude not see how this monster wagon measures up against some proper exotica.

Clock doesn't lie, but it does crush a few egos

Invitation only
The event is limited to only 24 spaces but the selection of heavy metal is pretty tasty. There are a couple of Lambos - an LP-560 Spyder and an Aventador LP700-4. From Maranello, an FF and a 599. The ubiquitous 911 Turbo. Munich is well represented with a new M6 and Scotland's only M3 GTS. There are a couple of Audi Avants - a stock-looking RS4 and a tweaked early model RS6, plus a fairly heavily modified Nissan GT-R. A TVR Tuscan and an MG RV8 are there to keep Blighty's end up.

And then there's the Mercedes contingent. A private C63 is joined by a hefty chunk of the press fleet's AMG division. A- and CLA45s, C63 Black and 507 wagon, E63 S in saloon and our estate, an SL63 and an SLS GT.

The runway itself was originally built for Spitfires before being extended to its current 1,800m length. Our timed runs will take place over roughly 1,500m leaving sufficient braking distance for the fastest cars to brake down from 180mph. Hopefully.

First up we run a qualifying heat to give a reference time. This will allow us to be paired up against a car with similar performance for the next round.

Stripped out racer wannabe vs ... family estate

Textbook start
Now, in the olden days, getting off the line fast required a simple, if brutal technique. Dial in a load of revs, side-step the clutch, try not to vapourise the tyres, powershift to second. I am a bit concerned, then, when the nice lady from Mercedes hands me a laminated sheet of A4 covered in instructions to help me get to grips with the AMG's Race Start launch control.

I have to select the right mode, pull the upshift paddle, floor the throttle, release the brake. Sounds easy. But if you don't floor the throttle within a few seconds the system disengages. If you have the throttle depressed for too long without releasing the brake, the same thing happens. All this has to be timed to perfection to coincide with the green light. The potential for embarrassment is high.

My first run is against a CLA45 that scampers off the line with its four-wheel drive system and pulls out an early lead. But once the big E overcomes first gear slippage it simply monsters its little brother and smashes into the speed limiter a good 300m before the timing beam and brake board.

Impressive.

AMG was out in force for the event

Strictly hardcore
Next up I'm facing the blaze orange M3 GT3. This stripped-out hardcore road racer boasts 444hp and should pose a far sterner test, being only fractionally slower to 60mph and having a superior top speed of 190mph. Again Race Start delivers too much wheelspin and the M3 rockets away. But again the huge torque helps me out and I close the gap, sneak ahead and although the M3 claws back again as I hit the speed limiter, the estate claims another scalp.

The top 16 times go through into the knockout rounds and it's clear that the Italians are going to take some beating. The Aventador is staggeringly fast and the FF and Gallardo are posting impressive times. The 911 Turbo of Graham Penman looks as if it might pose a shock, pipping the FF's time, while the SLS GT and SL63 are also proving rapid.

I draw the M3 GTS again for my knockout round. But I know that to beat the quicker cars that are unhindered by speed limiters I'll need a much faster start. With the tarmac cold and no chance to warm tyres, I decide to ignore Race Start, leave the transmission in S+ and hold the car on the brakes at just 1,500rpm. It works a treat with almost no wheelspin and the M3 is history. I shave eight tenths of a second from my time, too and I'm through to the last eight cars.

Lucky for some; Dom gives it death

The owner of the M3 wasn't the driver, it turns out. John Duffy was too busy at the wheel of his other car - a rather fetching new M6 that lines up alongside me in the quarter finals. He has the look of a man out for retribution.

Revenge
I repeat my previous tactic for the start but the M6 is off like a startled Marmot and for the first time, the E63's massive grunt is not enough to claw back the deficit. In fact, the gap stretches slightly over the run and my event is over.

Mercedes has laid on their Big Rig mobile conference suite with coffee and cakes to keep the spectators and drivers warm and fully fuelled and its position halfway down the strip gives a great vantage point to watch the final runs.

It seems like a foregone conclusion of FF versus Aventador on paper but the Ferrari nearly comes unstuck against the SLS and then gets pipped by the 911 in the semi-final only for a timing fault to see the cars re-run and the Ferrari sneak through to the final pairing. The FIA claim no involvement...

Germany versus Italy was a recurring theme

But there is no doubt about the final victor. The Aventador LP700-4 from Edinburgh Lamborghini has been untouchable all day. The fastest run of 24.01 seconds, with a top speed of 179mph was over 3.5 seconds faster than my best in the E63 S. And almost two seconds faster than anybody else managed. What a beast!

Apart from a bit of waiting around and a cold wind, the competitors and spectators seemed to thoroughly enjoy the event. The chance to drive on a runway at a 'live' international airport must have given the health'n'safety bods coronaries so all credit to those involved for making it happen. Most importantly, £13,000 was raised for the charities involved by the group of committed petrolheads.

For more on the Prince and Princess of Wales Hospice click here.

For a full list of times see here.