Shed of the Week: VW Passat V5

Shed's experience with Passat estates isn't brilliant, but this V5 should be better. Maybe

Oscar Wilde once said that experience was the name everyone gives to their mistakes. In Shed's case, the name he gives to his biggest blunder is Mrs Shed.

Kit list includes leather, climate, xenons...

Of course, we all make boo-boos in life. When it comes to motor cars, Shed is about as trusting as an okapi at Longleat, but even he isn't beyond buying the odd pup. Like the Passat estate that turned out to have its own onboard paddling pool, and a sodden ECU that dropped the windows when you pressed the horn, tooted the horn when you indicated left, and increased the radio volume when you turned right.

This week's Shed is also a Passat estate, but hopefully a rather better one than Shed's nasty diesel munter. As it's April Fool's Day between now and the next instalment, Shed has decided to include some deliberate mistakes in today's ramblings. Let's see how many you can spot. And no saying the whole thing is a mistake: that's too easy.

So, the Passat. It may have looked like the sort of car a cautious accountant with double life insurance might buy to transport a small quantity of doggedly inert materials, but underneath those inoffensive swathes of sheet metal (they are surprisingly big cars) you could specify some interesting mechanicals. Besides the usual array of petrol and diesel fours, you had options like 4Motion four-wheel drive, a 300hp R36, a 270hp 4.0-litre W8, a hinging-head 3.2 litre two-stroke, or the 2.3-litre V5 that pushes this one along.

... but no alloys. Huh?

V5s. Hmm. The thing about V5 engines is that they mess with your head. They should have the smoothness and revvability of a six, and the torque of a four, but somehow they end up having neither. It's peculiar. In one sense, the V5 is almost a prescient hybrid, combining as it does two of today's most progressive small car engine formats, the two-pot popularised (sort of) by the Fiat Twinair and the three-pot lump you can find in just about any city motor these days.

Talking of Fiat, it had a five-cylinder option of its own, a 24-valve 2.0-litre that on paper should have been good but that in reality was ultimately underwhelming in everything bar the 220hp turbo Coupé. Shed seems to remember ex-PH big cheese Stuart Forrest eulogising about an HGT Bravo he once ran. He's a nice chap, Stuart, but he was clearly a bit mental at that stage of his life.

Now, a straight five like Audi's 2.1 that went on to achieve everlasting fame under the bonnet of the quattro rally weapon, that's a different matter altogether. But this Passat engine is a V5, hence the badge on the boot. Interestingly, Volkswagen only went for a V5 because they couldn't come up with a suitably grabby name for a straight five.

V5 the best of four- and six-cylinder worlds?

This 2000 car should be one of the last 10-valve 150hp V5s. They became 170hp 20-valvers after that. Basically a VR6 minus a cylinder, the V5 is an understressed unit and its cams are driven by a chain that shouldn't break, but they can slap about in a big-miler like this one. Listen out for a metallic thrashing noise that's more evident on cold oil. Listen also for a guttural, slightly stifled groan, usually when parked near petrol pumps. That's coming from your throat as you pour another load of petrol in. These are not particularly economical cars, the downside of having another mouth/piston to feed.

Handling is puddingy, with overlight steering that makes it a less than reassuring towing choice. Faulty front lower wishbones were the subject of a global recall in 2001, but with moo on the seats and a song in your heart, who cares when you're breezing along the motorway at a wallet-murdering 85 per?

The Passat had high perceived quality when it came out, and there is evidence to suggest that the V5s will be as mechanically long-lasting as any other model, but there are one or two design flaws in the B5 model that could trip you up. The water ingress problem mentioned earlier comes from a daft soakaway system that stops soaking away to the outside when one or two critical holes in the scuttle and battery tray areas get blocked. But is that only in the diesel model? Ah, well, that's all part of the April Fool fun. It'll cost you £800 to find out.

Here's the ad.

blue, FULL LEATHER SEATS 1 OWNERS FROM BRAND NEW++FULL MAIN DEALER AND SPECIALIST HISTORY++XENONS++A-C+++CLIMATE CONTROL++2 KEYS, Next MOT due 30/04/2014, Tax expires 30/04/2014, Last serviced on 11/12/2013, Full service history, Good bodywork, Black Full leather interior - Excellent Condition, Tyre condition Average, Traction control, Central locking, Height adjustable drivers seat, Sports seats, PAS, Air conditioning, Radio/CD Multichanger, Rear armrest, Rear headrests, Remote central locking, Alarm, Roof rails, Rear wiper, Drivers airbag, Steering wheel rake adjustment, Folding rear seats, Front head restraints, Trip computer, ABS, Immobiliser, Alloy wheels, Front armrest, Service indicator, Passenger airbag, Side airbags, Steering wheel reach adjustment, Front electric windows, Rear electric windows, Climate control, Full size spare wheel, Electric door mirrors, Heated door mirrors, Radio/Cassette. 5 seats, Free Delivery 40 Miles Radius, Viewings Till Late Evening 7 Days a Week, Warranty Covers Supplied, £800 p/x welcome

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SmartVenom

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