PHer's, tear me apart!
Discussion
I assume GG is the right place for this...
I have several blogs, one of which is solely small articles on cars. It's not a super serious blog but is designed my 'friends with' on Facebook to read and as a result is written in simple bite-size chunks for non-petrolheads. My most recent blog on the Lamborghini Miura has been my most popular yet and over the last 3 weeks has had close to 1,000 views across the globe (they normally get around 50 views!) - and they weren't all from Facebook either, which I'm quite proud of.
If you have nothing better to do, give it a read and give me some feedback! Certain parts of the Miura's history have been left out, just to keep the blog short enough to keep it digestible for non PHer's but I think its probably my best attempt at an article to date.
Here we go:
"For as long as I can remember, I have firmly and proudly said that my favourite car of all time is without a single moments hesitation the 1967 Lamborghini Miura, though specifically I adore the P400 SV version. To me it is the utter definition of what a supercar should be, partly because the base P400 was arguably the worlds first supercar but mainly because the later SV variant gets every single ingredient in the supercar kitchen so perfectly right.
Every one of the truly great supercars has a similarly epic story to go with it. It is essentially the automotive equivalent of the sob stories that the winning X-Factor contestants have, except maybe a little less cringe worthy. The Miura is of course no exception and has one of my favourite stories that has ever been penned to the creation of a car. Ever since Ferruccio Lamborghini transitioned from manufacturing Tractors and Air Conditioning units into the world of creating luxury sports cars, he had always categorically said that he didn't want to rival Ferrari by creating thoroughbred race cars and instead wanted to create high quality GT cars and for a few years this is precisely what Lamborghini did.
Fortunately, however, three of the top engineers working for Lamborghini at the time - Gian Paolo Dallara, Paolo Stanzani, and Bob Wallace had secretly been working on a sports car of their own during their lunch breaks and after work had finished for the evening. Calling it the P400 and inspired by the iconic Ford GT40, the engineers dreamt of making a sports car with real racing pedigree that would not only excel on the racetrack but also be able to driven hard on the road by enthusiasts. The P400 was also designed to have a transversely mounted mid-engined V12 which made it the first ever road car to feature the now standard mid-engined layout, up until this point the only production cars that had the engine positioned behind the driver were the road going versions of race cars like the Porsche 550 and aforementioned GT40. Eventually, despite everything he had said after all these years about not wanting to make race cars, the 3 young engineers managed to convince Ferruccio to go ahead with the P400, though Lamborghini thought he would use it as a marketing tool more than anything. The rolling chassis was displayed at the Turin Salon in 1965 and despite not having any bodywork, show attendees were so impressed that they started placing orders.
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car. It was absolutely bonkers, with the doors specifically designed to look like the horns of a bull and an abundance of super-cool fins, vents and scoops that were strategically placed to help cool down the V12 monster that was hiding behind the drivers seat. The SV also benefited from wider wheel arches to accommodate a new set of tyres, it had a freshly designed rear light cluster and the original P400's 'eyelashes' from around its front headlights were removed, but despite all of this exciting and unique flamboyance, the Miura is still a genuinely pretty and curvaceous supercar and if anything it looks even more jaw dropping today than it did when it was first released almost 5 decades ago.
As you can expect the Miura has a suitable power-plant to match its revolutionary steel and aluminium bodywork and as a result it was deemed to be far greater than just a car but in fact a supercar – the first supercar. The later SV version used the same 3.9 Litre transversely mounted V12 that all other Miura's had, except it now produced a staggering 380 brake-horsepower and 286 pounds-foot of torque which helped launch the car to a top speed of 171 miles per hour, making it the fastest production car in the world and even after almost 50 years these are still impressive figures, though the modest 0-60 time of 6.7 seconds doesn't hold up quite so well!
To match the impressive power figures, the P400 also had brilliant handling, the bodies Monocoque construction weighed in with a dry weight of just 1,380 kilograms, sat only 42 inches off the ground and was only 69 inches wide and was equipped with a limited slip differential which aided in the cars cornering ability, along with the upper and lower wishbones and coil springs that the suspension was comprised of.
But what I love most of all about the Miura is the fact that it was literally a dream turned into reality, there were no compromises when it came to creating the car and it was made with nothing but passion. The engineers overlooked simple things in order to ensure the car was just how they'd imagined it which did cause a few problems, the fuel tank was on top of the front axle, which meant whenever you were low on fuel there was less weight over the front end, the car would start to take off and you would lose your ability to steer. The carburetors also had a tendency to spit petrol over the hot engine every now and again which would result in a fire. Additionally, the radiator pump design was dreadful and caused a pocket of air to block the pipes, thus stopping the engine from cooling and causing the car to overheat.
The P400 was the first Lamborghini to sport the famous charging bull badge, with Ferruccio choosing a bull because his star sign was Taurus. The car was then named Miura after a legendary breed of fighting bulls, with all flagship Lamborghini's since then being named after famous Miura bulls, meaning every Lamborghini supercar since the Miura can be traced back to the car that started it all and the key ingredients of the Miura have been used in every subsequent flagship that the marque has produced, starting with the Countach in 1974..."
Being a 5 part piece, as you can probably guess the Countach will be next.
So what do you guys think? I like the feedback I get on PH because its usually negative and I'd prefer people telling me that its crap and what I need to improve!
I have several blogs, one of which is solely small articles on cars. It's not a super serious blog but is designed my 'friends with' on Facebook to read and as a result is written in simple bite-size chunks for non-petrolheads. My most recent blog on the Lamborghini Miura has been my most popular yet and over the last 3 weeks has had close to 1,000 views across the globe (they normally get around 50 views!) - and they weren't all from Facebook either, which I'm quite proud of.
If you have nothing better to do, give it a read and give me some feedback! Certain parts of the Miura's history have been left out, just to keep the blog short enough to keep it digestible for non PHer's but I think its probably my best attempt at an article to date.
Here we go:
"For as long as I can remember, I have firmly and proudly said that my favourite car of all time is without a single moments hesitation the 1967 Lamborghini Miura, though specifically I adore the P400 SV version. To me it is the utter definition of what a supercar should be, partly because the base P400 was arguably the worlds first supercar but mainly because the later SV variant gets every single ingredient in the supercar kitchen so perfectly right.
Every one of the truly great supercars has a similarly epic story to go with it. It is essentially the automotive equivalent of the sob stories that the winning X-Factor contestants have, except maybe a little less cringe worthy. The Miura is of course no exception and has one of my favourite stories that has ever been penned to the creation of a car. Ever since Ferruccio Lamborghini transitioned from manufacturing Tractors and Air Conditioning units into the world of creating luxury sports cars, he had always categorically said that he didn't want to rival Ferrari by creating thoroughbred race cars and instead wanted to create high quality GT cars and for a few years this is precisely what Lamborghini did.
Fortunately, however, three of the top engineers working for Lamborghini at the time - Gian Paolo Dallara, Paolo Stanzani, and Bob Wallace had secretly been working on a sports car of their own during their lunch breaks and after work had finished for the evening. Calling it the P400 and inspired by the iconic Ford GT40, the engineers dreamt of making a sports car with real racing pedigree that would not only excel on the racetrack but also be able to driven hard on the road by enthusiasts. The P400 was also designed to have a transversely mounted mid-engined V12 which made it the first ever road car to feature the now standard mid-engined layout, up until this point the only production cars that had the engine positioned behind the driver were the road going versions of race cars like the Porsche 550 and aforementioned GT40. Eventually, despite everything he had said after all these years about not wanting to make race cars, the 3 young engineers managed to convince Ferruccio to go ahead with the P400, though Lamborghini thought he would use it as a marketing tool more than anything. The rolling chassis was displayed at the Turin Salon in 1965 and despite not having any bodywork, show attendees were so impressed that they started placing orders.
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car. It was absolutely bonkers, with the doors specifically designed to look like the horns of a bull and an abundance of super-cool fins, vents and scoops that were strategically placed to help cool down the V12 monster that was hiding behind the drivers seat. The SV also benefited from wider wheel arches to accommodate a new set of tyres, it had a freshly designed rear light cluster and the original P400's 'eyelashes' from around its front headlights were removed, but despite all of this exciting and unique flamboyance, the Miura is still a genuinely pretty and curvaceous supercar and if anything it looks even more jaw dropping today than it did when it was first released almost 5 decades ago.
As you can expect the Miura has a suitable power-plant to match its revolutionary steel and aluminium bodywork and as a result it was deemed to be far greater than just a car but in fact a supercar – the first supercar. The later SV version used the same 3.9 Litre transversely mounted V12 that all other Miura's had, except it now produced a staggering 380 brake-horsepower and 286 pounds-foot of torque which helped launch the car to a top speed of 171 miles per hour, making it the fastest production car in the world and even after almost 50 years these are still impressive figures, though the modest 0-60 time of 6.7 seconds doesn't hold up quite so well!
To match the impressive power figures, the P400 also had brilliant handling, the bodies Monocoque construction weighed in with a dry weight of just 1,380 kilograms, sat only 42 inches off the ground and was only 69 inches wide and was equipped with a limited slip differential which aided in the cars cornering ability, along with the upper and lower wishbones and coil springs that the suspension was comprised of.
But what I love most of all about the Miura is the fact that it was literally a dream turned into reality, there were no compromises when it came to creating the car and it was made with nothing but passion. The engineers overlooked simple things in order to ensure the car was just how they'd imagined it which did cause a few problems, the fuel tank was on top of the front axle, which meant whenever you were low on fuel there was less weight over the front end, the car would start to take off and you would lose your ability to steer. The carburetors also had a tendency to spit petrol over the hot engine every now and again which would result in a fire. Additionally, the radiator pump design was dreadful and caused a pocket of air to block the pipes, thus stopping the engine from cooling and causing the car to overheat.
The P400 was the first Lamborghini to sport the famous charging bull badge, with Ferruccio choosing a bull because his star sign was Taurus. The car was then named Miura after a legendary breed of fighting bulls, with all flagship Lamborghini's since then being named after famous Miura bulls, meaning every Lamborghini supercar since the Miura can be traced back to the car that started it all and the key ingredients of the Miura have been used in every subsequent flagship that the marque has produced, starting with the Countach in 1974..."
Being a 5 part piece, as you can probably guess the Countach will be next.
So what do you guys think? I like the feedback I get on PH because its usually negative and I'd prefer people telling me that its crap and what I need to improve!
The main thing for me is the flow. Read it out loud as a good measuring stick for this. Lots of your sentences rush on too long until the reader runs out of breath and passes out on the floor. Whenever that happens, split them into two with a stop or at least a semicolon. In a similar sense, some of your punctuation causes sentences to falter and stutter. This is a good example of both points:
As another yardstick, think how a good TV presenter would deliver it, pauses and all, and rebuild it accordingly with the right punctuation.
There are various annoying grammatical issues to solve beside that, although I've seen worse.
The only other thing my first pass over it leaves me thinking could do with a bit more work is this: I want a story to unfurl like a good walk. For example, and not suggesting you follow this specifically, I want to know why you're telling me about this car, then see it morph into the history of the car, and then some engineering, and then a summary. Wham bam thank you ma'am. The start and end are particularly important here. You can plan this out on paper - what each paragraph will be about. What I get with yours is nearly that, but with some confusing tangents, like 'P400 SV' in the opening para, which is detail that belongs much deeper in once you've earnt my interest. Equally the finish is a bit weak, back to being about high level history. Hard to quantify exactly what I mean by this but it loses something as a result.
Edit: in terms of the highest levels, spirit etc, it's maybe a bit dry. Can you add some anecdotes or humour or something to bring a bit of life in? You have a ridiculous Italian car that inherently catches fire FFS, so use it.
OP said:
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car
You've wrong-footed the reader at 'and tragically', and then worse, not stopped to let them get up as you rush on with the rest.As another yardstick, think how a good TV presenter would deliver it, pauses and all, and rebuild it accordingly with the right punctuation.
There are various annoying grammatical issues to solve beside that, although I've seen worse.
The only other thing my first pass over it leaves me thinking could do with a bit more work is this: I want a story to unfurl like a good walk. For example, and not suggesting you follow this specifically, I want to know why you're telling me about this car, then see it morph into the history of the car, and then some engineering, and then a summary. Wham bam thank you ma'am. The start and end are particularly important here. You can plan this out on paper - what each paragraph will be about. What I get with yours is nearly that, but with some confusing tangents, like 'P400 SV' in the opening para, which is detail that belongs much deeper in once you've earnt my interest. Equally the finish is a bit weak, back to being about high level history. Hard to quantify exactly what I mean by this but it loses something as a result.
Edit: in terms of the highest levels, spirit etc, it's maybe a bit dry. Can you add some anecdotes or humour or something to bring a bit of life in? You have a ridiculous Italian car that inherently catches fire FFS, so use it.
Edited by trashbat on Tuesday 27th May 18:50
trashbat said:
The main thing for me is the flow. Read it out loud as a good measuring stick for this. Lots of your sentences rush on too long until the reader runs out of breath and passes out on the floor. Whenever that happens, split them into two with a stop or at least a semicolon. In a similar sense, some of your punctuation causes sentences to falter and stutter. This is a good example of both points:
As another yardstick, think how a good TV presenter would deliver it, pauses and all, and rebuild it accordingly with the right punctuation.
There are various annoying grammatical issues to solve beside that, although I've seen worse.
The only other thing my first pass over it leaves me thinking could do with a bit more work is this: I want a story to unfurl like a good walk. For example, and not suggesting you follow this specifically, I want to know why you're telling me about this car, then see it morph into the history of the car, and then some engineering, and then a summary. Wham bam thank you ma'am. The start and end are particularly important here. You can plan this out on paper - what each paragraph will be about. What I get with yours is nearly that, but with some confusing tangents, like 'P400 SV' in the opening para, which is detail that belongs much deeper in once you've earnt my interest. Equally the finish is a bit weak, back to being about high level history. Hard to quantify exactly what I mean by this but it loses something as a result.
Well written and apposite comments. The OP's writing style is heavy IMO. But each to their own in matter of self expression. It would make easier reading is amended as trashbat suggests. Good luck.OP said:
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car
You've wrong-footed the reader at 'and tragically', and then worse, not stopped to let them get up as you rush on with the rest.As another yardstick, think how a good TV presenter would deliver it, pauses and all, and rebuild it accordingly with the right punctuation.
There are various annoying grammatical issues to solve beside that, although I've seen worse.
The only other thing my first pass over it leaves me thinking could do with a bit more work is this: I want a story to unfurl like a good walk. For example, and not suggesting you follow this specifically, I want to know why you're telling me about this car, then see it morph into the history of the car, and then some engineering, and then a summary. Wham bam thank you ma'am. The start and end are particularly important here. You can plan this out on paper - what each paragraph will be about. What I get with yours is nearly that, but with some confusing tangents, like 'P400 SV' in the opening para, which is detail that belongs much deeper in once you've earnt my interest. Equally the finish is a bit weak, back to being about high level history. Hard to quantify exactly what I mean by this but it loses something as a result.
TREMAiNE said:
I assume GG is the right place for this...
I have several blogs, one of which is solely small articles on cars. It's not a super serious blog but is designed my 'friends with' on Facebook to read and as a result is written in simple bite-size chunks for non-petrolheads. My most recent blog on the Lamborghini Miura has been my most popular yet and over the last 3 weeks has had close to 1,000 views across the globe (they normally get around 50 views!) - and they weren't all from Facebook either, which I'm quite proud of.
If you have nothing better to do, give it a read and give me some feedback! Certain parts of the Miura's history have been left out, just to keep the blog short enough to keep it digestible for non PHer's but I think its probably my best attempt at an article to date.
Here we go:
"For as long as I can remember, I have firmly and proudly said that my favourite car of all time is without a single moments hesitation the 1967 Lamborghini Miura, though specifically I adore the P400 SV version. To me it is the utter definition of what a supercar should be, partly because the base P400 was arguably the worlds first supercar but mainly because the later SV variant gets every single ingredient in the supercar kitchen so perfectly right.
Every one of the truly great supercars has a similarly epic story to go with it. It is essentially the automotive equivalent of the sob stories that the winning X-Factor contestants have, except maybe a little less cringe worthy. The Miura is of course no exception and has one of my favourite stories that has ever been penned to the creation of a car. Ever since Ferruccio Lamborghini transitioned from manufacturing Tractors and Air Conditioning units into the world of creating luxury sports cars, he had always categorically said that he didn't want to rival Ferrari by creating thoroughbred race cars and instead wanted to create high quality GT cars and for a few years this is precisely what Lamborghini did.
Fortunately, however, three of the top engineers working for Lamborghini at the time - Gian Paolo Dallara, Paolo Stanzani, and Bob Wallace had secretly been working on a sports car of their own during their lunch breaks and after work had finished for the evening. Calling it the P400 and inspired by the iconic Ford GT40, the engineers dreamt of making a sports car with real racing pedigree that would not only excel on the racetrack but also be able to driven hard on the road by enthusiasts. The P400 was also designed to have a transversely mounted mid-engined V12 which made it the first ever road car to feature the now standard mid-engined layout, up until this point the only production cars that had the engine positioned behind the driver were the road going versions of race cars like the Porsche 550 and aforementioned GT40. Eventually, despite everything he had said after all these years about not wanting to make race cars, the 3 young engineers managed to convince Ferruccio to go ahead with the P400, though Lamborghini thought he would use it as a marketing tool more than anything. The rolling chassis was displayed at the Turin Salon in 1965 and despite not having any bodywork, show attendees were so impressed that they started placing orders.
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car. It was absolutely bonkers, with the doors specifically designed to look like the horns of a bull and an abundance of super-cool fins, vents and scoops that were strategically placed to help cool down the V12 monster that was hiding behind the drivers seat. The SV also benefited from wider wheel arches to accommodate a new set of tyres, it had a freshly designed rear light cluster and the original P400's 'eyelashes' from around its front headlights were removed, but despite all of this exciting and unique flamboyance, the Miura is still a genuinely pretty and curvaceous supercar and if anything it looks even more jaw dropping today than it did when it was first released almost 5 decades ago.
As you can expect the Miura has a suitable power-plant to match its revolutionary steel and aluminium bodywork and as a result it was deemed to be far greater than just a car but in fact a supercar – the first supercar. The later SV version used the same 3.9 Litre transversely mounted V12 that all other Miura's had, except it now produced a staggering 380 brake-horsepower and 286 pounds-foot of torque which helped launch the car to a top speed of 171 miles per hour, making it the fastest production car in the world and even after almost 50 years these are still impressive figures, though the modest 0-60 time of 6.7 seconds doesn't hold up quite so well!
To match the impressive power figures, the P400 also had brilliant handling, the bodies Monocoque construction weighed in with a dry weight of just 1,380 kilograms, sat only 42 inches off the ground and was only 69 inches wide and was equipped with a limited slip differential which aided in the cars cornering ability, along with the upper and lower wishbones and coil springs that the suspension was comprised of.
But what I love most of all about the Miura is the fact that it was literally a dream turned into reality, there were no compromises when it came to creating the car and it was made with nothing but passion. The engineers overlooked simple things in order to ensure the car was just how they'd imagined it which did cause a few problems, the fuel tank was on top of the front axle, which meant whenever you were low on fuel there was less weight over the front end, the car would start to take off and you would lose your ability to steer. The carburetors also had a tendency to spit petrol over the hot engine every now and again which would result in a fire. Additionally, the radiator pump design was dreadful and caused a pocket of air to block the pipes, thus stopping the engine from cooling and causing the car to overheat.
The P400 was the first Lamborghini to sport the famous charging bull badge, with Ferruccio choosing a bull because his star sign was Taurus. The car was then named Miura after a legendary breed of fighting bulls, with all flagship Lamborghini's since then being named after famous Miura bulls, meaning every Lamborghini supercar since the Miura can be traced back to the car that started it all and the key ingredients of the Miura have been used in every subsequent flagship that the marque has produced, starting with the Countach in 1974..."
Being a 5 part piece, as you can probably guess the Countach will be next.
So what do you guys think? I like the feedback I get on PH because its usually negative and I'd prefer people telling me that its crap and what I need to improve!
I really can't be arsed to read all thatI have several blogs, one of which is solely small articles on cars. It's not a super serious blog but is designed my 'friends with' on Facebook to read and as a result is written in simple bite-size chunks for non-petrolheads. My most recent blog on the Lamborghini Miura has been my most popular yet and over the last 3 weeks has had close to 1,000 views across the globe (they normally get around 50 views!) - and they weren't all from Facebook either, which I'm quite proud of.
If you have nothing better to do, give it a read and give me some feedback! Certain parts of the Miura's history have been left out, just to keep the blog short enough to keep it digestible for non PHer's but I think its probably my best attempt at an article to date.
Here we go:
"For as long as I can remember, I have firmly and proudly said that my favourite car of all time is without a single moments hesitation the 1967 Lamborghini Miura, though specifically I adore the P400 SV version. To me it is the utter definition of what a supercar should be, partly because the base P400 was arguably the worlds first supercar but mainly because the later SV variant gets every single ingredient in the supercar kitchen so perfectly right.
Every one of the truly great supercars has a similarly epic story to go with it. It is essentially the automotive equivalent of the sob stories that the winning X-Factor contestants have, except maybe a little less cringe worthy. The Miura is of course no exception and has one of my favourite stories that has ever been penned to the creation of a car. Ever since Ferruccio Lamborghini transitioned from manufacturing Tractors and Air Conditioning units into the world of creating luxury sports cars, he had always categorically said that he didn't want to rival Ferrari by creating thoroughbred race cars and instead wanted to create high quality GT cars and for a few years this is precisely what Lamborghini did.
Fortunately, however, three of the top engineers working for Lamborghini at the time - Gian Paolo Dallara, Paolo Stanzani, and Bob Wallace had secretly been working on a sports car of their own during their lunch breaks and after work had finished for the evening. Calling it the P400 and inspired by the iconic Ford GT40, the engineers dreamt of making a sports car with real racing pedigree that would not only excel on the racetrack but also be able to driven hard on the road by enthusiasts. The P400 was also designed to have a transversely mounted mid-engined V12 which made it the first ever road car to feature the now standard mid-engined layout, up until this point the only production cars that had the engine positioned behind the driver were the road going versions of race cars like the Porsche 550 and aforementioned GT40. Eventually, despite everything he had said after all these years about not wanting to make race cars, the 3 young engineers managed to convince Ferruccio to go ahead with the P400, though Lamborghini thought he would use it as a marketing tool more than anything. The rolling chassis was displayed at the Turin Salon in 1965 and despite not having any bodywork, show attendees were so impressed that they started placing orders.
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car. It was absolutely bonkers, with the doors specifically designed to look like the horns of a bull and an abundance of super-cool fins, vents and scoops that were strategically placed to help cool down the V12 monster that was hiding behind the drivers seat. The SV also benefited from wider wheel arches to accommodate a new set of tyres, it had a freshly designed rear light cluster and the original P400's 'eyelashes' from around its front headlights were removed, but despite all of this exciting and unique flamboyance, the Miura is still a genuinely pretty and curvaceous supercar and if anything it looks even more jaw dropping today than it did when it was first released almost 5 decades ago.
As you can expect the Miura has a suitable power-plant to match its revolutionary steel and aluminium bodywork and as a result it was deemed to be far greater than just a car but in fact a supercar – the first supercar. The later SV version used the same 3.9 Litre transversely mounted V12 that all other Miura's had, except it now produced a staggering 380 brake-horsepower and 286 pounds-foot of torque which helped launch the car to a top speed of 171 miles per hour, making it the fastest production car in the world and even after almost 50 years these are still impressive figures, though the modest 0-60 time of 6.7 seconds doesn't hold up quite so well!
To match the impressive power figures, the P400 also had brilliant handling, the bodies Monocoque construction weighed in with a dry weight of just 1,380 kilograms, sat only 42 inches off the ground and was only 69 inches wide and was equipped with a limited slip differential which aided in the cars cornering ability, along with the upper and lower wishbones and coil springs that the suspension was comprised of.
But what I love most of all about the Miura is the fact that it was literally a dream turned into reality, there were no compromises when it came to creating the car and it was made with nothing but passion. The engineers overlooked simple things in order to ensure the car was just how they'd imagined it which did cause a few problems, the fuel tank was on top of the front axle, which meant whenever you were low on fuel there was less weight over the front end, the car would start to take off and you would lose your ability to steer. The carburetors also had a tendency to spit petrol over the hot engine every now and again which would result in a fire. Additionally, the radiator pump design was dreadful and caused a pocket of air to block the pipes, thus stopping the engine from cooling and causing the car to overheat.
The P400 was the first Lamborghini to sport the famous charging bull badge, with Ferruccio choosing a bull because his star sign was Taurus. The car was then named Miura after a legendary breed of fighting bulls, with all flagship Lamborghini's since then being named after famous Miura bulls, meaning every Lamborghini supercar since the Miura can be traced back to the car that started it all and the key ingredients of the Miura have been used in every subsequent flagship that the marque has produced, starting with the Countach in 1974..."
Being a 5 part piece, as you can probably guess the Countach will be next.
So what do you guys think? I like the feedback I get on PH because its usually negative and I'd prefer people telling me that its crap and what I need to improve!
Not a bad attempt, though if I was reading it in a professional publication I would be disappointed, it comes across as a little dry. Like Trashbat says, a little humour would lighten things up. Have you thought about putting in sub-headings e.g THE DEVELOPMENT- blah blah THE CARS PERFORMANCE blah blah THE CARS RECEPTION blah blah, this might break things up and give the reader time to catch breath and not be so daunted by a wall of typeface; LESBIAN THREESOME is a good sub-heading to keep people reading. This is quite a good site for brushing up on your punctuation http://www.bristol.ac.uk/arts/exercises/grammar/gr... , covering style as well as the nuts and bolts. Keep at it
trashbat said:
The main thing for me is the flow. Read it out loud as a good measuring stick for this. Lots of your sentences rush on too long until the reader runs out of breath and passes out on the floor. Whenever that happens, split them into two with a stop or at least a semicolon. In a similar sense, some of your punctuation causes sentences to falter and stutter. This is a good example of both points:
As another yardstick, think how a good TV presenter would deliver it, pauses and all, and rebuild it accordingly with the right punctuation.
There are various annoying grammatical issues to solve beside that, although I've seen worse.
The only other thing my first pass over it leaves me thinking could do with a bit more work is this: I want a story to unfurl like a good walk. For example, and not suggesting you follow this specifically, I want to know why you're telling me about this car, then see it morph into the history of the car, and then some engineering, and then a summary. Wham bam thank you ma'am. The start and end are particularly important here. You can plan this out on paper - what each paragraph will be about. What I get with yours is nearly that, but with some confusing tangents, like 'P400 SV' in the opening para, which is detail that belongs much deeper in once you've earnt my interest. Equally the finish is a bit weak, back to being about high level history. Hard to quantify exactly what I mean by this but it loses something as a result.
Edit: in terms of the highest levels, spirit etc, it's maybe a bit dry. Can you add some anecdotes or humour or something to bring a bit of life in? You have a ridiculous Italian car that inherently catches fire FFS, so use it.
What a great critique. You've nailed it in terms of what's good and what could better, and I love your practical suggestions: New writers often struggle with over-complex sentence structures and your tip of imagining a good tv presenter reading it is a great one. I shall borrow it, if I may.OP said:
The utterly gorgeous bodywork was designed by Marcello Gandini at the legendary and tragically, the recently bankrupt coach builders, Gruppo Bertone and after 47 years it still has some of the most desirable coachwork ever seen on a production car
You've wrong-footed the reader at 'and tragically', and then worse, not stopped to let them get up as you rush on with the rest.As another yardstick, think how a good TV presenter would deliver it, pauses and all, and rebuild it accordingly with the right punctuation.
There are various annoying grammatical issues to solve beside that, although I've seen worse.
The only other thing my first pass over it leaves me thinking could do with a bit more work is this: I want a story to unfurl like a good walk. For example, and not suggesting you follow this specifically, I want to know why you're telling me about this car, then see it morph into the history of the car, and then some engineering, and then a summary. Wham bam thank you ma'am. The start and end are particularly important here. You can plan this out on paper - what each paragraph will be about. What I get with yours is nearly that, but with some confusing tangents, like 'P400 SV' in the opening para, which is detail that belongs much deeper in once you've earnt my interest. Equally the finish is a bit weak, back to being about high level history. Hard to quantify exactly what I mean by this but it loses something as a result.
Edit: in terms of the highest levels, spirit etc, it's maybe a bit dry. Can you add some anecdotes or humour or something to bring a bit of life in? You have a ridiculous Italian car that inherently catches fire FFS, so use it.
Edited by trashbat on Tuesday 27th May 18:50
Trashbat, presumably you're a professional writer - but do you teach writing as well?
Sid's Dad said:
What a great critique. You've nailed it in terms of what's good and what could better, and I love your practical suggestions: New writers often struggle with over-complex sentence structures and your tip of imagining a good tv presenter reading it is a great one. I shall borrow it, if I may.
Trashbat, presumably you're a professional writer - but do you teach writing as well?
I write... software for a living Trashbat, presumably you're a professional writer - but do you teach writing as well?
Probably pays better.I could and maybe should have gone off down the language path, as I find it easy, but things didn't work out that way. Cheers for the compliment!
The way decent presentation relates to the written word and punctuation is quite interesting I think. Clarkson for example is a caricature of himself these days and not necessarily a model to aim for, but has compelling timing and emphasis that I think come from and/or are repeated in his writing. Ditto Harris in stuff like the 2CV film. On the page you don't have the same immediate ability to e.g. vary pitch and tone but - at least if your reader has any imagination - you can still produce almost the same expression in written form. Strange stuff.
Hi Guys
Thanks for your great responses, particularly from trashbat - as others have said what a great critique.
I've definitely improved over the last few years but clearly there is still a lot what I'm doing wrong - particularly with letting the reader have a chance to actually breath.
I overuse comma's and clearly don't keep the flow going well.
I'll have another go and hopefully on my next attempt you guys will be able to offer some more advice, fingers crossed I don't make the same mistakes - or if I do hopefully I make them to a lesser extent!
Thanks for your great responses, particularly from trashbat - as others have said what a great critique.
I've definitely improved over the last few years but clearly there is still a lot what I'm doing wrong - particularly with letting the reader have a chance to actually breath.
I overuse comma's and clearly don't keep the flow going well.
I'll have another go and hopefully on my next attempt you guys will be able to offer some more advice, fingers crossed I don't make the same mistakes - or if I do hopefully I make them to a lesser extent!
TREMAiNE said:
I overuse comma's and clearly don't keep the flow going well.
And apostrophes 
It should be commas, and 'PHers' in the thread title while we're at it. Someone above linked to a Bristol punctuation site that looks good.Anyway I was chatting to the GF about this the other day, and I gave her the same sentence I quoted, and she complained about two different things. Shoe doesn't write but she reads a fair bit and has some school background in writing.
The first one is adverbs, and I think she might be a bit of an extremist on this, but I'm starting to see it her way. She declares war on adverbs. "Utterly gorgeous bodywork" is a waste of everyone's time. It's not a fact, like the fact that its lines are smooth and flowing, it's not a proper description so you can't imagine it, and it's not a meaningful opinion - no reason why you think that, what it means to you, etcetera. Now I protested this but we watched the Harris 2CV piece that I linked to, and we counted four -ly words. One was 'recently', which was pretty much redundant; the second and third were 'quickly and smoothly' which was entirely fair and on-topic, and the last one was 'lovely' which again could be dropped. Four, in a twelve minute piece.
The second point, closely linked to the first, is the separation of fact and opinion, or objective and subjective. This applies at a sentence and paragraph level. Again, watch the 2CV piece and listen to Chris' intro. Every sentence is one or the other, not a mix of both, and often the sections are split too. "It's made of thin gauge steel" is a separate construction from "For sun in the hair motoring, it's just unbeatable".
Rules are made to be broken of course, but you can't deliberately break them if you could never manage to comply in the first place. Using strict rules like those above forces you to rewrite bits of your text and either you cut out the unnecessary or you end up with a more meaningful way of expressing it.
Edited by trashbat on Friday 30th May 14:22
I think your writing shows promise. As others have already said, you could work to make it more readable.
A lot of drivers drive their cars too much, by which I mean they try too hard. Novices can be seen to stamp on throttles. They frantically wave their arms turning the wheel. They try to do too much in too little space, so their work looks messier as a result. When you watch an expert drive, you can be impressed by the economy of their movements. Experts allow the car to do the work. They just turn the wheel a little here, dab a little more throttle there.
The same is true of writing. Sometimes less is more.
Don't be too downhearted though. If you can make the effort of reading less for your readers, they can enjoy the flow of your narrative more. You have an interesting story to tell in this article, and I enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to your article about the Countach.
A lot of drivers drive their cars too much, by which I mean they try too hard. Novices can be seen to stamp on throttles. They frantically wave their arms turning the wheel. They try to do too much in too little space, so their work looks messier as a result. When you watch an expert drive, you can be impressed by the economy of their movements. Experts allow the car to do the work. They just turn the wheel a little here, dab a little more throttle there.
The same is true of writing. Sometimes less is more.
TREMAiNE said:
"For as long as I can remember, I have firmly and proudly said that my favourite car of all time is without a single moments hesitation the 1967 Lamborghini Miura, though specifically I adore the P400 SV version.
blearyeyedboy'sEditOfYourWork said:
"My favourite car has been the 1967 Lamborghini Miura for as long as I can ever remember. I particularly adore the P400 SV version."
Yes, you may have firmly and proudly said something. Yes, I'm sure you didn't hesitate for a moment. However, if you load all of that into a single sentence it adds nothing to the reader's experience and looks more of a mess. Think of it as the writing equivalent of Brake/Gear overlap. Don't be too downhearted though. If you can make the effort of reading less for your readers, they can enjoy the flow of your narrative more. You have an interesting story to tell in this article, and I enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to your article about the Countach.
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