Shed Of The Week: Nissan Almera GTI

Today Nissan's hot hatch is a Juke NISMO. Shed revisits a more conventional time with a tidy Almera GTI

Personality, or performance? That's a decision we often have to make in life. When it comes to choosing a motor car, Shed reckons you should always try to secure at least one of these attributes.

Some cars offer both qualities at the same time. Doubtless you will have your own 'have it all' list: Shed's includes the Peugeot 205 GTI 1.6, certain Fords, and the Lancia Integrale. Others, like the Golf GTI, give you a reasonable compromise without ever setting your trousers alight.

Unbarried? Check. Uninspiring? Err...

This week's Shed is a Nissan Almera GTI, a three-door warm hatch that falls into the inoffensive but largely personality-free category of Shed-dom. We featured one of these fellows in the spring of last year. That was going for £650. This is a nicer one with lower miles and a complete absence of Barrination.

But is it worth the extra money? Does it fulfil Shed's preferred mix of personality and/or performance?

Well. Although the GTI was the top o' the range model, and therefore should be exciting, we must remember the nature of the range it topped. Recent Nissans have begun to reflect a dawning realisation by the company that even utilitarian cars need to have a bit more about them than a simple ability to go from A to B. This was very much not the case back in the '90s, when even the faintest whiff of character or individuality was ruthlessly fumigated out of anything officially sold in the UK under the Nissan badge, lest it should frighten cautious buyers out of an unthreateningly straightforward white-goods purchase.

The first-gen Japanese-built N15 Almera (1995-on) certainly ticked that 'just build it and flog it' box. It was a strong contender for the title of most boring car ever made, beaten only by its successor the N16, which limped apologetically into view in 2000 and sent folk off to a lovely dreamless sleep for a full six years in the UK. In various disguises, it is still being made today for less demanding markets.

It's functional, right?

Given the Marianas Trench-like depth of this Almeran trough of turgidity, nothing short of 250bhp could drag the Mk 1 Almera GTI all the way up onto the sunkissed uplands of motoring Nirvana. It didn't get 250hp: it got 140hp. The 2.0-litre 16v four-pot was a dull but hard-working motor that combined with a snappy five-speed 'box and a respectable kerb weight of around a tonne to deliver a decent eight-second 0-60 time. The redline was 7,000rpm, an oddly low-sounding figure until you tried getting the tacho needle up there. That's when you realised there was more under-bonnet excitement in a Carmelite nunnery.

Still, the GTI prompted Nissan to edge cautiously out of its beige corporate shell in terms of promotion to press and public. Its agency was briefed to produce some quite amusing Sweeney and Professionals ads. The branding exercise worked too, because Autocar took a GTI onto its long-term test fleet. It arrived in a rather fetching shade of metallic blue. Shed knows all this to be true because he was nominated as the main guardian of the keys.

Back then, the distribution of long-term test vehicles to magazine staff was a kind of sociological experiment. It's a lot more professional now, with the spotty drone on the subs' desk just as likely to get a Ferrari or Bentley for the evening as a Hyundai, if that suits the magazine's editorial needs. Once upon a time though, in those long-lost non-PC days when you could be slightly cheeky with other folk without getting crucified by the Daily Mail, you could more or less tell who were the more senior members of a mag's staff by the prestige of the cars they gave themselves at the end of each day. It was a kind of perk. If word got round that someone at the grottier end of the magazine ladder had lucked into a surprisingly nippy motor, droit de seigneur would be invoked and the supposed guardian of that car would find himself separated from 'his' motor and dropped unceremoniously into some disappointing substitute, with no right of appeal.

The pics aren't selling it brilliantly

This automotive gazumping never happened to Shed during his tenure of the Almera GTI. That could lead you to believe that the car was more of a marketing triumph than an engineering one, a view with which Shed would not disagree. Sure, you could pootle along in it at a respectable rate, but there wasn't much joy in the exercise. Keep your eye on the adjustment of the timing chain and the engine will go on for ever, but it's a bit like Chinese tyres that you'd really like to replace but can't because they've still got lots of tread.

Nothing untoward ever happened to Shed's long-termer other than him getting in it and driving it. He did manage to understeer it into the side of an MOD Land Rover at the Chobham test track, an event that bashed in the nearside front of the Nissan but left no marks whatsoever on the Landie. The binlid-sized steering wheel looks like it would be better suited to a commercial vehicle, and Shed's views on white-faced instruments should never be inquired after in mixed company.

The worst thing about the GTI was the feature that also made it good: the rear strut brace. This tightened up what might well otherwise have been quite a floppy bodyshell, but it also perfectly divided the entire boot space both vertically and horizontally, making it difficult to load anything much bigger than a family-size box of Corn Flakes. Other than that, the Almera GTI is a sensible choice.

In terms of his relationship with his spouse, Shed feels like he missed out on both personality and performance, but into every life a little rain must fall. Become the owner of this Almera and you're unlikely to take a bath on it. Just don't expect to receive the ambrosial kiss of ecstasy while you're in it.

Here's the ad.

Key Facts
- MOT until February 2015
- Taxed until 31/08/2014
- Year 1998
- Petrol
- Hatchback
- 5 speed Manual
- VGC with Full Service History
- 84,400 Miles with 4 Former Keepers
- Examination Welcome

I've owned for just over 3 years - very reliable

£999.00 OVNO

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Carreraman

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