L driver suffering very high stress levels

[committed]

I have been teaching my son to drive for almost a year over about 50 hours and he is a really good safe driver but he never really wants to go for a drive despite the fact that he is good enough to pass his test. I have to coax him to go out and be very gentle with the way I interact with him whilst he is driving or he gets agitated.
Normally he is confident and diligent does well at school and is very respectful but he just isn't getting to like driving at all despite his excellent progress. I asked him how his attitude to driving was coming on and his answer was that he hated it but knew it needed to be achieved. When I asked him why he replied that there was too much that could go wrong driving a car and he couldn't see how it could ever be the least bit enjoyable.
I don't want to give up on him for now because he will eventually end up driving and I want to ensure that he is very capable and safe. I am a confident capable driver who has engaged in motorsport in the past. I don't want him going for a couple of lessons when he is in his 20s then hooning around and getting into danger out of ignorance. I have asked him if he would prefer someone else to teach him but he prefers that I teach him. We get on well.
People on here must have had similar experiences? How did you get past the stress of driving when you started or how did you get the learner past it?

[Meoricin]

Sounds like you've convinced him driving is necessary, but haven't considered whether he really needs to do it.

Given his current attitude towards it, why would you assume he'll start driving dangerously if he does start driving?

Plenty of people live their whole lives without driving, it's not a necessity and if someone doesn't feel at all comfortable doing it, then they probably shouldn't be.

[IanCormac]

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe he shouldn't do it.

[PositronicRay]

My cousin (now in his sixties) has never driven or had a desire to, more of an intellectual type. He's been successful in business, using trains and taxi's, I think he see's cars as an unnecessary expense and wouldn't want one cluttering up his life.

I had a boss a few yrs ago, he hated driving, and needed 3/4 hr alone in his office each morning, to getting over the commuting trauma. His day was spent worrying about his journey home.

Driving whilst useful, isn't the be all and end all

[Truckosaurus]

I disliked driving when I was 17 and only really passed my test as it was the done thing, but then after a couple of months it all just clicked into place and everything was fine.

I also think it is worth pushing/encouraging him to pass the test, even just to get it out of the way, I barely drove a car between the ages of 18 and 21 as I was a student living away from home with no money, but then when I started work I was able to commute by car from day one unlike other colleagues who were trying to fit driving lessons around their work day.

Finally, it might be worth getting him professional driving lessons, maybe an outsider saying "you are a good driver and ready for the test" is the confidence booster he needs to get over the line.

[hairyben]

the pressure of dad isn't a factor is it? However well meaning and well done. Might be worth a few driving school lessons and see how he responds?


My sis is in her 40s and hasn't been behind a wheel since passing her test and her husband never sat one, they manage everything happily in their largish town, kid work shopping holidays etc but if does seem like a massive hindrance to me. I guess self driving cars will be with us soon anyway.

[committed]

This isn't about me wanting him to drive. He still wants to drive, he just wants to get past this. It’s not like we live in London with a public transport network. I was hoping to get some input from someone who has gone through the emotions he has.

[ecsrobin]

Have you thought about a driving instructor? Is it that he's not wanting to go out with you in the car perhaps?

[jhonn]

committed said:

When I asked him why he replied that there was too much that could go wrong driving a car and he couldn't see how it could ever be the least bit enjoyable.

Focus in in what he means by things 'could go wrong'.

Is it concern of an accident/worry about other drivers? Maybe you need to take him driving/give him lessons in a different environment - one that he feels more comfortable in (i.e. there is less going on)
Are you teaching him solely in a busy urban environment? While he will need to get used to that try taking him out in the country where he may be able to relax a bit more.

Or a driving day at a track/airfield where he can really use the car and not worry (too much) about other unpredictable users.

Or is it the car? Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable in your motor - what are you teaching him in?

Edited by jhonn on Friday 24th February 08:18

[TooMany2cvs]

committed said:

...he never really wants to go for a drive...
...he just isn't getting to like driving at all...
...his answer was that he hated it but knew it needed to be achieved. When I asked him why he replied that there was too much that could go wrong driving a car and he couldn't see how it could ever be the least bit enjoyable.

I am a confident capable driver who has engaged in motorsport in the past.

committed said:

This isn't about me wanting him to drive.

Sorry, but it's certainly sounding like you wanting him to enjoy what you enjoy.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Both my sons were a bit like this. They viewed the driving test like maths & English GCSE, no fun but necessary to pass for job prospects. They are 21 & 18, both have passed but rarely drive and have no interest in cars or driving. Certainly have no desire to own their own car. Each of them probably borrows mine once a month.

We live in the London area and they Oyster card takes them wherever they need to go for less money and hassle anyway.

[DonkeyApple]

committed said:

This isn't about me wanting him to drive. He still wants to drive, he just wants to get past this. It’s not like we live in London with a public transport network. I was hoping to get some input from someone who has gone through the emotions he has.

No experience I'm afraid but I wonder if the exam/test laden children of today are more likely to see the learning aspect that builds up to two more exams as just more depressing hassle? Also, could it be that his experiences to far as a passenger have been of mundane journeys and traffic jams etc so no direct experience of the positives?

Is it worth binning the road driving lessons for a while and asking him what form of driving he might think is fun and taking him for a day out doing that? Try and show him the fun side of driving?

[djt100]

ecsrobin said:

Have you thought about a driving instructor? Is it that he's not wanting to go out with you in the car perhaps?

I'd go with this, From experience when my dad tried to teach me, You may not realise how much pressure it is for your child to do will with you in the car, I think it was a good year after me passing my test before I felt confident driving with dad in the car.

[Hatson]

My daughter had a couple of sessions of instruction/fun driving in the carpark with the AA at Thruxton when she was 16. She found it a bit difficult at 17 taking instructions from me or the wife so we booked her on a week's course in North London and she enjoyed that and passed the test. She's still got a few months to go until 18 but it seems like she's been driving forever. Maybe the week's course would give your son a chance to become a "driver" rather than learner and get out of the lesson/worry/lesson cycle?

[Pistachio]

I think it is not good for a relative to teach their kids to drive. Better it is a third party who has no emotional or historic link to the learner.
Often with a parent the learner is afraid of getting told off rather than educated.
Just my thoughts on this sunny Friday

[Krikkit]

Take him on a track day? Obviously you've got to explain how different the environments are, but it's an easy route to seeing just how fun it can be.

Somewhere like Blyton would be safe enough to learn without too much risk, but still fun.

[popeyewhite]

Given that you live in Cheshire I'd have thought it was crucial your son can drive. Both from a job and recreational driving perspective. Separate yourself and any pressure from the scenario and book him some driving lessons with a school.

[curlie467]

I'll echo what others have said and go the qualified instructors route now.
Be proud that you have actually taught him how to control a car and drive confidently and competently but step away now as it could be you that's the issue now.

[rxe]

I think you need to get to the bottom of what he is anxious about. Is it some sort of fear of an accident, or that he'll have a mechanical problem? Could be "OMG I'm 10 miles from home in a complex machine and I don't know what to do if it breaks". Unless you understand about the RAC etc, then it could be quite alarming if you stop and think about it.

My son (14) is at the opposite end of the spectrum - if it is has a motor and a clutch, he wants to drive it. Dump trucks, tractors, diggers, cars, anything.

[edc]

My mother was like this and had lessons with my dad. My Mrs is like this and has a mix of lessons with me and an instructor. Both mum and Mrs see driving as a necessary evil. Neither are ever going to enjoy driving. Both panic when they feel in 'danger' eg oncoming traffic squeezing your road space, cars approaching closely and perpendicular to you at a round-about, multi-lane roads where there is traffic either side of you. I would expect practice and experience will ease the anxiety.