Car jokes: Or any funny vehicle related stuff

[Milkyway]

If you have any jokes, however old or silly... let’s plonk them on here for a chuckle.

Any photos, cartoons or links too.

Apologies, in advance, if any material has been seen or heard before.... It’s been a long year.

Edited by Milkyway on Thursday 2nd December 11:16

[Milkyway]

A Police Officer stopped a car on a quiet country road & walked up to the elderly lady driver
“ Excuse me madam, but can you explain why you was driving in such an erratic manner... you was veering all over the road”
She replied: “ Thank goodness that you are here Officer, as I almost had an accident”
“ I looked up, & there was a tree right in front of me, I swerved to the left & there was another tree”.
“I swerved to the right & there was another tree... I was terrified”.
It was at then, that the Officer pointed to the air freshener swinging from her mirror.

Edited by Milkyway on Wednesday 1st December 15:16

[LimaDelta]

An oldie, courtesy of the Viz.

[Milkyway]

An elderly man was driving along the motorway when his mobile phone rang, it was his wife.

“Arnold” she said “I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the motorway... Please be careful”

“Hell” exclaimed Arnold “It’s not just one car... It’s hundreds of them”

[Amused2death]

Did you hear about the terrorist who tried to blow up a Princess?

Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

[Monkeylegend]

Did you hear the one about the Lotus raffle.

(I think it was a Lotus)

[Milkyway]

Customer: “ Can I have some windscreen wiper blades for my”...
(insert car of choice here)
Parts assistant: “Sounds like a fair swop”

Comedian Jim Davidson got stopped doing 120mph is his Ferrari, but asked if they could make it 160... as he was trying to sell it.

Lenny Henry: Got pulled over for not having his seatbelt on.
The Officer remarked, “ Who’s a silly boy then”.
Lenny replied, “ But I’m not the one standing out there in the rain am I”

I had a nasty crash, but thankfully two couples stopped & came to my rescue, the Smiths & the Balls.
Thank God I was pulled out by the Smiths.

( Apologies if you saw the first two on another Fred)

Edited by Milkyway on Wednesday 1st December 16:05

[boyse7en]

Some oldies...

Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm while pushing it
How do you double the value of a Skoda? Fill it with petrol
What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip
Why don't Skodas have twin exhaust pipes? Because people would mistake them for a wheelbarrow
What's red and goes putt, putt, putt, putt...? A bad golfer

A penguin is driving along when his car starts overheating. He pulls in at a garage and asks them to look at it, and while he is waiting he gets a choc-ice as a snack. The mechanic looks at the car for a bit then goes to tell the penguin the diagnosis.
"Looks like you've blown a seal", he says
"No!" says the penguin, looking flustered. "It's just ice cream on my beak!"

[Milkyway]

Golden Oldies;

Jasper Carrott: Insurance Claims.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQJn4qX1YHU

Norman Collier: Car gag ( 1min in)
(CAUTION: GETS A BIT UN PC AFTER THAT BIT)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pQjmqfZX9CA

Edited by Milkyway on Wednesday 1st December 16:04

[zippy3x]

Heisenberg was driving Einstein to a physics conference when they were pulled over my a police officer.

The officer asked "Do you know how fast you were driving?"
"No" replied Heisenberg, "but I know where I am"
"You were travelling at 75mph" said the officer.
"That's just Great" shouted Heisenberg, "Now I'm lost"

[vaud]

Monkeylegend said:

Did you hear the one about the Lotus raffle.

(I think it was a Lotus)

Monkeylegend has left the building.

[Pieman68]

Two nuns driving down the road on a dark night when Count Dracula swoops down and lands on the bonnet

"Quick", says Sister Mary to Sister Josephine, "show him your cross"

Sister Josephine leans out of the window

"Get off the f***ing car you f***ing tw*t"

[hairy v]

[Pica-Pica]

There’s always (shouting)
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

One for the connoisseurs (literally speaking).

[Monkeylegend]

vaud said:

Monkeylegend said:

Did you hear the one about the Lotus raffle.

(I think it was a Lotus)

Monkeylegend has left the building.

I'm still here so far

What's the difference between a rose bush and a Skoda.

The pricks are on the outside of the rose bush.

[Pistonheader101]

1. What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

[Milkyway]

Monkeylegend said:

vaud said:

Monkeylegend said:

Did you hear the one about the Lotus raffle.

(I think it was a Lotus)

Monkeylegend has left the building.

I'm still here so far

What's the difference between a rose bush and a Skoda.

The pricks are on the outside of the rose bush.

The original & best.... Estelle.
https://cdn.comedy.co.uk/images/library/comedies/9...

[Milkyway]

Pistonheader101 said:

1. What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Are they like the pesky Duthinkhesawus.

[Monkeylegend]

Milkyway said:

The original & best.... Estelle.
https://cdn.comedy.co.uk/images/library/comedies/9...

What happened to the other one you posted ?

[Milkyway]

Monkeylegend said:

Milkyway said:

The original & best.... Estelle.
https://cdn.comedy.co.uk/images/library/comedies/9...

What happened to the other one you posted ?

Didn’t think the link worked...try again
( Don’t know if they are related though)
https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1295791436948...

Edited by Milkyway on Wednesday 1st December 17:55