Car, motor bike and driving jokes??

[driveaway]

Hi, I was wondering if you guys can write any jokes (corny and really hilarious alike) that is on the topic of vehicles (eg cars, HGV's motorbikes any kind really) and driving ONLY.

Bring out the humour a bit instead of always wallowing in the sadness of the state of the roads and its drivers in 2025 Britain....
Thanks hope we'll enjoy!!!

[driveaway]

My first is:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

[driveaway]

or this one:

"My car and I have a lot in common..... we both start the day with a jump and make weird noises until we’re fully warmed up."

[Lo-Fi]

The difference between a hedgehog and a Porsche? A hedgehog has the pricks on the outside...

[daqinggregg]

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying from this heat! Really, it's an emergency!"

The mechanic says, "Calm down, now. I can fix your car in about a half hour, and you should just go across the street to wait in the ice cream shop. It's cool in there, and they sell soft-serve ice cream."

The penguin is thrilled, jumping up and down, and yells, "Yay!! Soft serve is my favorite!", and he scampers across the street waving his stubby wings.

Exactly a half hour later the penguin rushes out of the ice cream shop with vanilla ice cream all over his face, and runs into the repair shop, yelling, "Did you fix it!? Did you fix it!?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, no problem. It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin frantically wipes his mouth and yells,

"NUH-UH! That's just ice cream!!"

[georgeyboy12345]

What’s a pirate’s favourite car?

A Honda Civic Type ARRRRR

(can be replaced with any other car model that ends in R - e.g. TVR, Nissan GT-R, Jag S-Type R, etc)

[NortonES2]

Before Sat Navs

Driver pulled over for speeding, when asked what his excuse was replied the car in front has the map.

[RandomCarChat]

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?

[Wacky Racer]

My girlfriend thought an Itchifanni was a japanese motorbike.

[roltyid]

The one about the magic tractor...

It drove down the lane and turned into a field

[Every day a journey]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !
All reactions:
102

[Super Sonic]

georgeyboy12345 said:

What’s a pirate’s favourite car?

A Honda Civic Type ARRRRR

In Pirate Black, obvs.

[driveaway]

Two priests go for a rally drive together.
Not seeing the cliff, both fly over the side, rolling over and over, but ultimately landing on all four wheels.
Both jump out and turn one to another, Peter! John! We're saved lets drink a shot of thanks to G-D!
Peter pulls out a whisky and pours a cup for John. After a few mins John asks, Peter why are you not drinking?
Ah I'm waiting for the police, he replies....

[CT05 Nose Cone]

Did you know that 70% of Land Rovers ever made are still on the road? The remainder made it to their destination.

[driveaway]

CT05 Nose Cone said:

Did you know that 70% of Land Rovers ever made are still on the road? The remainder made it to their destination.

Yes sad but true

[mac96]

NortonES2 said:

Before Sat Navs

Driver pulled over for speeding, when asked what his excuse was replied the car in front has the map.

That's not a joke, it's a reminiscence!

[driveaway]

Why did the BMW driver cross the road?

To tell you they have a BMW.

[driveaway]

A guy is driving his Lamborghini down the motorway at 150mph. Suddenly, he sees a sign:

"CAUTION: BRIDGE AHEAD — MAX SPEED 20MPH"

He slams the brakes, skids across the road, barely stops in time, looks out the window and yells:

“DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE BRAKES COST?!”

The sign replies:

“Do you know how much this bridge cost?”

[driveaway]

How do you double the value of a Fiat?
.......Fill it with fuel.

[driveaway]

Why don’t Teslas make good getaway cars?
Because everyone knows where you're going.....
.......it’s already posted on your Instagram with a caption that says “zero emissions"........