FRIDAY FUN

[stig mills]

Hilarious!
http://www.mevowners.proboards.com/index.cgi?board...

[singlecoil]

Amusing, but it has been knocking around for a few years now.

[Frankthered]

Well, I hadn't seen it before - Thanks Stiggy!

[seansverige]

Thanks, hadn't seen that one in ages. One for any Chuck Norris fans:

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy st! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris can
divide by zero. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!" The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Or if you prefer something less ranty or surreal, how about funny family fortunes answers: http://www.urbanreflex.com/fortunes.html

[stig mills]

Brilliant, I can't wait til next Friday. Please post something to make folk laugh and hopefully something that is not repeated too often. FRIDAY FUN, thanks Sean.

[Russ Bost]

I've just posted this on Locostbuilders, but I know you don't all go there - so can one of you make this for me please?

Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.

Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but , instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device they have hidden on or in
their body.

The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no more concern about racial profiling.

The booth would eliminate long,expensive trials.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?

I am happy to split the profits

[stig mills]

Friday fun is back this week! Happy new year for midnight everyone.
Looking forward to a great 2011 season of kit car mayhem. Kind regards Stuart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZu1ud9eu14

[seansverige]

All courtesy of comdian Stewart Francis:

I quit my job at the helium gas factory: I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Money-wise, I'm set for life. Provided I die next Tuesday

I like to go into bookstores & say 'Hello, I'm looking for a book called 'How to deal with rejection without Killing'. Do you have it?...'

A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again find romance. Beer bellied, bald as a coot.... I don't like her chances.

When I was young, my Fairy Godmother asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis. I forget her response

[fuoriserie]

seansverige said:

All courtesy of comdian Stewart Francis:

I quit my job at the helium gas factory: I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Money-wise, I'm set for life. Provided I die next Tuesday

I like to go into bookstores & say 'Hello, I'm looking for a book called 'How to deal with rejection without Killing'. Do you have it?...'

A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again find romance. Beer bellied, bald as a coot.... I don't like her chances.

When I was young, my Fairy Godmother asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis. I forget her response

Funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH5XubGKLA

[fuoriserie]

Hillarious....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd2IoHbjvTk&fea...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpVIkacLXEI&NR=...

Edited by fuoriserie on Friday 18th February 13:17

[seansverige]

Thanks for these! Gonna save the Robin Williams for later. Some more Stewart Francis that I don't think were in that clip...

I farted in a full lift today, which was wrong on so many levels.

I was raised by my father - my mother left before I was born.

So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's not the end of the world...

When I was young my dad used to throw the camera at me. I still have flashbacks

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow

Couple by other comedians:

I had dinner with a women last night, but it didn't go very well - she was offended by my swearing. I said 'st'.... but that's what she looked like.

My flatmate's Israeli. I like to annoy him by giving him all the mail addressed to 'The Occupier'

[stig mills]

I can recommend folk have a look at the inside rear cover of the Complete Kit Car mag that came out today. Funny and naughty but nice!

[seansverige]

Taken from Word magazine, in an article about 'Rocks Top Crumpeters' (their phrase) with regard to Bill Wyman & Mandy Smith:
'They married in in 1989 when she was 18 and they divorced in 1991 - 'doing a Wyman' became tabloid shorthand. Bill's son then married Mandy's mother, making their family tree one that can only be plotted in 3D'

Tribute band names, some of which apparently do actually exist
Mock Mock Turtles
Sham Sham 69
Fakin' Stevens
Pretend Pretenders
Not Hot Heat
Not the Hoople
Noasis
Crowded Scouse
By Jovi
The Offwhite stripes
Daftwerk
Faux Fighters

Some geographically related ones
This monkey's gone to devon
The Nile Council
Yemenheads
Iron Maidenhead
Dundee Warhols

Mitch Benn, Break-up Song [Not Bitter]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_6LkWVWZA0
(Nothing too bad but best be safe and say NSFW for work if you have the sound on)

[stig mills]

MX5 donors are cheaper than ever!!!!

[seansverige]

Is that the dealer just up the road from you?

YHM

[stig mills]

Yes, that is the Ford/Mazda dealer. They often get a tatty trade in for us. 900,000 have been made.

[seansverige]

Some pun-tastic jokes courtesy of Radcliffe Maconie show on 6music:

Book fell on my head, but I've only got my shelf to blame

The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I managed to beat him away with a vacuum cleaner; talk about Dyson with death...

I bet my butcher £50 he coudn't reach the meat on the top shelf. 'You're right, the steaks are too high' he said

I had curried Pelican at a restaurant last night. It was alright but the bill was enormous...

Two philosophers at a nudist camp:
"Have you read Marx?"
"Yes, it's the wicker chairs"

[ajprice]

Two parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

[seansverige]

Some more pun-tastic stuff courtesy of Stuart Francis on Mock the Week last night:

I used to work as a panto horse, but I quit whilst I was a head

My friend's become a mime. Haven't heard from him in a while...

For a while I worked in China, repairing typewriters. Didn't like the job much but I got to work with lots of interesting characters

I used to work in fresh produce; it's not Rocket Salad

I started a VD clinic from scratch

I worked in a sweatshop; it was so so

When people first told me my father used to steal from his job as a lollipop man, I didn't want to believe it; but thinking back, the signs were all there...

[slomax]