Discussion
Pistonheads has a thread for jokes
[url]www.pistonheads.co.uk/gassing/topic.asp?t=8025&f=141&h=0[/url]
There are loads of them, currently 121 pages.
You maybe a while.
Malc
[url]www.pistonheads.co.uk/gassing/topic.asp?t=8025&f=141&h=0[/url]
There are loads of them, currently 121 pages.
You maybe a while.
Malc
Heres one, why PC's are male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you
won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember
300 screensaver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
because your computer won't power on at all.
When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
once. We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it
as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support.
We can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair
with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in
them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs
frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 680
printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you
mean by "my thingy blew up".
Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift
the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to
have 40lb of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as
fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would
you?
When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
money to speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer rubbish. We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as rubbish.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
master's degree in nuclear physics.
When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We
love to hack.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call
the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party
who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer
equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the
elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no
end.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out
in Wichita like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We do weekends.
Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer
names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the
documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts
our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our
deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein,
without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
Keep it crashing!
Addendum 1: If you ever need a new computer or monitor, ask the I.T.
department. We have tons of cutting edge hardware sitting around doing
nothing, and can give it to you for nothing! The Boss said so!
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you
won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember
300 screensaver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
because your computer won't power on at all.
When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
once. We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it
as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support.
We can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair
with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in
them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs
frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 680
printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you
mean by "my thingy blew up".
Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift
the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to
have 40lb of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as
fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would
you?
When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
money to speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer rubbish. We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as rubbish.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
master's degree in nuclear physics.
When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We
love to hack.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call
the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party
who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer
equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the
elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no
end.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out
in Wichita like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We do weekends.
Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer
names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the
documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts
our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our
deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein,
without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
Keep it crashing!
Addendum 1: If you ever need a new computer or monitor, ask the I.T.
department. We have tons of cutting edge hardware sitting around doing
nothing, and can give it to you for nothing! The Boss said so!
Gassing Station | HSV & Monaro | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff