Christmas cracker jokes
Discussion
Time to lighten up as Christmas approaches. Anyone got any jokes worth sharing? I'll start:
A German bloke approached a prostitute and said " I vish to buy sex vit you."
"OK." said the girl, "I charge 100 euros an hour."
"Is goot," said the German "but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem." she replied cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
So off they went to the girl's flat, where the German produced four large bed
springs and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."
The girl found this very strange, but complied, fastening the springs to her
hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly did as he wished, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle, as I make love to you."
She found all this very odd, but figured it was harmless and after all, the
German was paying.
The sex was fantastic. She was bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax was the most
sensational she had ever experienced and it was several minutes, before she was
able to recover her breath.
Finally she gasped, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"
"Ah." said the German, "Four-sprung duck technique!"
A German bloke approached a prostitute and said " I vish to buy sex vit you."
"OK." said the girl, "I charge 100 euros an hour."
"Is goot," said the German "but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem." she replied cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
So off they went to the girl's flat, where the German produced four large bed
springs and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."
The girl found this very strange, but complied, fastening the springs to her
hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly did as he wished, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle, as I make love to you."
She found all this very odd, but figured it was harmless and after all, the
German was paying.
The sex was fantastic. She was bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax was the most
sensational she had ever experienced and it was several minutes, before she was
able to recover her breath.
Finally she gasped, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"
"Ah." said the German, "Four-sprung duck technique!"
On a similar note to Rob's, this is the joke I always tell when it's request time....
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
montecristo said:
On a similar note to Rob's, this is the joke I always tell when it's request time....
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
No no no no no no.......One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
k off!Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
I went to visit my wife in the hospital today. The consultant called me to one side and with a very serious voice told me I should prepare for the worst!
I was pretty upset, but on the way home I popped into the charity shop and recovered all her clothes and took them back home.
I asked the kids a couple of weeks ago what they wanted for Christmas and my son mentioned he wanted a pet spider. I went out to the pet shop to see what they had but was told they were about £80.00. I thought no chance, I can get one off the web cheaper.
I was pretty upset, but on the way home I popped into the charity shop and recovered all her clothes and took them back home.
I asked the kids a couple of weeks ago what they wanted for Christmas and my son mentioned he wanted a pet spider. I went out to the pet shop to see what they had but was told they were about £80.00. I thought no chance, I can get one off the web cheaper.
Edited by 8Tech on Saturday 7th December 21:08
Chap goes to see a prostitute....
How much is it? He asks...
£25 on the floor..... £50 on the couch...... & £100 on the bed is the reply....
Fella gives the lady £100...
At last she says... A gentleman, I see you'd prefer the comfort of the bed...
Eh? Says the guy.... What are you on about?? I want it 4 times on the floor...
How much is it? He asks...
£25 on the floor..... £50 on the couch...... & £100 on the bed is the reply....
Fella gives the lady £100...
At last she says... A gentleman, I see you'd prefer the comfort of the bed...
Eh? Says the guy.... What are you on about?? I want it 4 times on the floor...
Husband and wife are down town shopping for christmas gifts.
After a while they agree to split up and the wife would phone her hubby when she is ready to go home.
A few hours pass and eventually the shopping is complete, so the wife phones her husband and he answers:
"Hello darling, are you done?"
"Yes, what about you?"
"I've nearly finished also"
"Where are you?"
"You know that jewellers?"
"which one?
"the one down by the church"
"mmm", sounding a bit uncertain
"yes you know the one where they had that diamond ring which you really liked and went in to try on and said would make you the happiest woman in the world to get a gift like that."
"Yes, yes ..." sounding excited
....."Well I'm in the pub next door."
After a while they agree to split up and the wife would phone her hubby when she is ready to go home.
A few hours pass and eventually the shopping is complete, so the wife phones her husband and he answers:
"Hello darling, are you done?"
"Yes, what about you?"
"I've nearly finished also"
"Where are you?"
"You know that jewellers?"
"which one?
"the one down by the church"
"mmm", sounding a bit uncertain
"yes you know the one where they had that diamond ring which you really liked and went in to try on and said would make you the happiest woman in the world to get a gift like that."
"Yes, yes ..." sounding excited
....."Well I'm in the pub next door."
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