Networking on LinkedIn - How forward to be?

[ktm301p]

Dear PH collective,

I graduate from university in the summer and have started to look into networking via linkedin as an alternative route to attaining work experience, internships, actual jobs etc. I have found a number of people that are in positions that I want to be in, and within companies and industries I want to be a part of. However, I'm uncertain as to the most tactful way of connecting, as you only get 250 characters (about 50 words)

This is what I've got so far:

Persons name,
I have recently completed a successful work placement at Fairline Boats as an expediter and buyer, and will graduate from university this summer. I am eagerly pursuing new opportunities and experiences in a buying role and would greatly appreciate the chance to discuss how I could bring my skills to support your business.
Best regards,
Alex

Key things -
Do you think it needs to be more personal? I.e. my passion for the industry / role as a buyer
How can I better word the message, especially the last part? I basically want to be able to contact the person further to get an opportunity to work in their department.

[andy-xr]

TBH, 99% of contact I get from Linkedin is utter ste and doesnt get looked at. The best use I've found for it is to match up people to companies, then contact them directly either by phone or a guesstimate of their email address

I trialled an account upgrade for 3 months (work paid for it) and I got back 3x as many credits as I got replies

Also - connecting with the people who's job you want, maybe not a smart move. You could find their boss though and see if there's an alternate position

[marshalla]

Straight in the bin, I'm afraid.

You want to discuss something with me - give me a reason why I should let you take up my time. What do you offer ? What do you know about me & my business ? What's special about you ? Why do you want to work for me rather than anyone else ?

Don't use a generic boilerplate for every email, customise it and make it personal to the recipient - better yet, WRITE to them. Receiving things by post is becoming uncommon and may well get their attention better than yet another email.