You told me so..but what next?
Discussion
You may recall my thread from 3 years ago when my brother in law was about to marry a woman about whom I have great misgivings. Well as predicted it has gone tits up.
Summary: single man late 40's, good job, good friends, own house. Life revolves around work, football, curry, beer and a bit of birdwatching. Meets a woman via work, single mother almost 20 years his junior with 2 kids, no job, living on benefits in a rented house. 2 months later she is pregnant, they get engaged, he moves her and her kids in. Baby arrives. He leaves his job, lives off savings and benefits, cashes in his inheritance from his father to buy a bigger house, puts her name on the house then marries her. Full House idiocy!
Before they were married the signs were bad. Immediately stops him going to the weekly footy and seeing his mates. Changes his email and phone number and gets a joint Facebook page. Makes anonymous calls to his ex girfriend, rings us up drunk at midnight more than once to complain about him lying to her.
He takes early retirement, and he gets a lump sum from his pension. New car, Disney holidays. Borrowed £5k for a wedding. At her wedding she was so pissed she had to be held up to cut the cake, went back to the room and didn't get to the evening reception until 10pm when it finished at 11pm. Most of the guests had gone home or didn't come back in the evening. Basically two glasses of wine and she is drunk.
And that is the good bit.
Since the wedding things went downhill fast. She had a silly argument with her bridesmaid and insisted all his friends and family cut her off. I wasn't that bothered having only met the bridesmaid twice but refused as i am not a 14 year old girl in the playground and so did some of his mates. We were all 'defriended' and told we wouldn't be seeing him or the baby until it was sorted. I was banned from their house and he warned us they wouldn't be coming around. That was a pity as his dad lives with us so we have had a 30 minute visit once a month, no calls for 16 months. We have kept our distance hoping it will improve. But twice he has turned up at our house at midnight at her insistence to 'lay down the law' for us to 1) defriend the bridesmaid 2) pay her more attention and be more interested in her issues.
On occasion 1 it was few days after my sister died and I was in bed before an early start to go down to arrange the funeral, but that didn't matter and he kept ringing asking me to go to his house and sort it out with her. At the third call i told him to feck off.
On occasion 2 we finally got him on his own and although he has considered walking out she has his baby and his house (now hers?). She obviously has MH issues but hasn't seen the doctor for it for 6 months.
I think what we are seeing is control and coercion.
Is he completely f***ed and what does he and we do next?
Summary: single man late 40's, good job, good friends, own house. Life revolves around work, football, curry, beer and a bit of birdwatching. Meets a woman via work, single mother almost 20 years his junior with 2 kids, no job, living on benefits in a rented house. 2 months later she is pregnant, they get engaged, he moves her and her kids in. Baby arrives. He leaves his job, lives off savings and benefits, cashes in his inheritance from his father to buy a bigger house, puts her name on the house then marries her. Full House idiocy!
Before they were married the signs were bad. Immediately stops him going to the weekly footy and seeing his mates. Changes his email and phone number and gets a joint Facebook page. Makes anonymous calls to his ex girfriend, rings us up drunk at midnight more than once to complain about him lying to her.
He takes early retirement, and he gets a lump sum from his pension. New car, Disney holidays. Borrowed £5k for a wedding. At her wedding she was so pissed she had to be held up to cut the cake, went back to the room and didn't get to the evening reception until 10pm when it finished at 11pm. Most of the guests had gone home or didn't come back in the evening. Basically two glasses of wine and she is drunk.
And that is the good bit.
Since the wedding things went downhill fast. She had a silly argument with her bridesmaid and insisted all his friends and family cut her off. I wasn't that bothered having only met the bridesmaid twice but refused as i am not a 14 year old girl in the playground and so did some of his mates. We were all 'defriended' and told we wouldn't be seeing him or the baby until it was sorted. I was banned from their house and he warned us they wouldn't be coming around. That was a pity as his dad lives with us so we have had a 30 minute visit once a month, no calls for 16 months. We have kept our distance hoping it will improve. But twice he has turned up at our house at midnight at her insistence to 'lay down the law' for us to 1) defriend the bridesmaid 2) pay her more attention and be more interested in her issues.
On occasion 1 it was few days after my sister died and I was in bed before an early start to go down to arrange the funeral, but that didn't matter and he kept ringing asking me to go to his house and sort it out with her. At the third call i told him to feck off.
On occasion 2 we finally got him on his own and although he has considered walking out she has his baby and his house (now hers?). She obviously has MH issues but hasn't seen the doctor for it for 6 months.
I think what we are seeing is control and coercion.
Is he completely f***ed and what does he and we do next?
I knew someone who kept making choices like this. In the end I stopped knowing them. I see no reason to give energy to someone who runs towards such blatant misery and disaster.
Even in the depths of utter adoration I'd up and walk away the instant behaviour like this emerged.
If he's dear to you then tell him you'll be there when the smoke has cleared. Until then he's on his own.
Even in the depths of utter adoration I'd up and walk away the instant behaviour like this emerged.
If he's dear to you then tell him you'll be there when the smoke has cleared. Until then he's on his own.
k off and mean it. Why are you getting involved in this? None of it has anything to do with you. He's made his life choices. The first line of Bloomen's post above sums it up far more eloquently than I.Original thread
It's good to hear you are still involved and willing to support/help him.
Unfortunately married + child = no 'easy' get out.
She's manipulated the situation in such a way that he's been intentionally isolated with no friends/social life and pretty much entirely dependant on her. Anyone on the 'outside' is considered an enemy/interfering.
And sadly, very much so, yes.Sounds like some kind of Personality Disorder to me. Agreed that this sounds like a case of emotional abuse.
You need to get him on his own and have a good long honest chat. In his current state, he won't be able to see what you can see (even though it's blindingly obvious to anyone looking in on the outside). He has to be able to see it for himself and be committed to leaving. Now with a child, leaving means he'll still end up having contact with her.
Leaving her will cost him £££. If he does, I fully expect her to threaten self harm and suicide to manipulate him into staying.
(As an aside, sorry to hear about the passing of your sister ).
g3org3y said:
This sounds like a terrible situation. I hope he doesn't alienate everyone when it comes to needing to pick up the pieces post (inevitable) fall out.
I hope he doesn't alienate everyone when it comes to needing to pick up the pieces post (inevitable) fall out.It's good to hear you are still involved and willing to support/help him.
Unfortunately married + child = no 'easy' get out.
She's manipulated the situation in such a way that he's been intentionally isolated with no friends/social life and pretty much entirely dependant on her. Anyone on the 'outside' is considered an enemy/interfering.
Cold said:
konark said:
Is not this sort of controlling and coercive behaviour now deemed to be domestic abuse.
Or is that just when a man does it?
Very much so, yes.Or is that just when a man does it?
And sadly, very much so, yes.
You need to get him on his own and have a good long honest chat. In his current state, he won't be able to see what you can see (even though it's blindingly obvious to anyone looking in on the outside). He has to be able to see it for himself and be committed to leaving. Now with a child, leaving means he'll still end up having contact with her.
Leaving her will cost him £££. If he does, I fully expect her to threaten self harm and suicide to manipulate him into staying.
(As an aside, sorry to hear about the passing of your sister
).Edited by g3org3y on Wednesday 20th February 07:11
macushla said:
You support him emotionally and that’s it. You’ve no other skin in the game.
He takes professional advice, ensures he provides sufficient support for his child, doesn’t use any of the kids (theirs and hers) as a bargaining chip and then tries to get on with life.
How many times does this advice have to be given....He takes professional advice, ensures he provides sufficient support for his child, doesn’t use any of the kids (theirs and hers) as a bargaining chip and then tries to get on with life.
EXACTLY as written above.
I've been through it, as have millions of others.
1. Get professional advice
2. Do the legal thing first, then the right thing if you want
3. Get on with life
THERE IS NO OTHER SENSIBLE ANSWER
The Mad Monk said:
It's your brother in law.
No closer.
Sorry, but these aren't YOUR problems. I would back out, and keep on moving away.
But its his wifes brother.And they live in the same house of the blokes dad. OP might want to back away, but hes got to live with people who can't, or wont.No closer.
Sorry, but these aren't YOUR problems. I would back out, and keep on moving away.
FredAstaire said:
But its his wifes brother.And they live in the same house of the blokes dad. OP might want to back away, but hes got to live with people who can't, or wont.
This, presumably its his wife's brother, not his sisters husband (that'd be a bit awkward given the topic). So it's not like he can just wash his hands of it.Best thing the OP can do is emotional support and maybe the odd bit of help (I.E. finding solicitors).
Cold said:
konark said:
Is not this sort of controlling and coercive behaviour now deemed to be domestic abuse.
Or is that just when a man does it?
Very much so, yes.Or is that just when a man does it?
And sadly, very much so, yes.
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Why does he want to fix it?
Why not just walk away?
As for you, tell him you warned him all about this and you told him to walk away and he didnt, therefore he should just be told the same 3 things every time he asks...
RUN AWAY NOW.
Dont go into conversation with him about how to fix it, dont offer help, just keep stating it and the fact you warned him and he ignored it all.
Why not just walk away?
As for you, tell him you warned him all about this and you told him to walk away and he didnt, therefore he should just be told the same 3 things every time he asks...
RUN AWAY NOW.
Dont go into conversation with him about how to fix it, dont offer help, just keep stating it and the fact you warned him and he ignored it all.
dazwalsh said:
I vaguely remember the original thread, and it was bonkers then. This story is just sad. She seems to have dragged him down into the gutter with her and is clearly in control. I also think its domestic abuse but he wiuld probably never admit it.
OP should report to police, so on record in the event it escalatesGassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff