Discussion
I’m in need of some advice from total strangers whom can possibly shed some weight on a very difficult situation.
I will have to be very short on actual specifics, but in short, I will be going to prison for an extended period next year due to a white collar crime.
I have two children, whom live with their mum full time. Things have rapidly deteriorated with her in the last few months and I haven’t seen them since September. I regularly message them and chat to them. They moving in a few weeks which will make it even harder to stay relevant and present.
I’ll be seeing them in a couple of weeks to give them their Christmas presents and I’ve been told very explicitly to not tell them any of my woes or concerns or why their Dad has all but disappeared from their lives. They are 11 and 15. We used to be extremely close, especially so with my son who’s the youngest. I miss them greatly.
I’m tired. I’m genuinely mentally exhausted and my situation has been utter hell. All of which has been deserved, I did the crime, and I will most certainly have to do the time. But, I want my children to hear my side and I have written them a heartfelt letter that conveys some of my feelings and what has happened and why.
I all but guarantee if I chat to them she’ll not let me see them again but there’s certainly no certainty I would anyway given their relocation.
Do I obey her wishes and not tell them anything? Or do I inform them?
I will have to be very short on actual specifics, but in short, I will be going to prison for an extended period next year due to a white collar crime.
I have two children, whom live with their mum full time. Things have rapidly deteriorated with her in the last few months and I haven’t seen them since September. I regularly message them and chat to them. They moving in a few weeks which will make it even harder to stay relevant and present.
I’ll be seeing them in a couple of weeks to give them their Christmas presents and I’ve been told very explicitly to not tell them any of my woes or concerns or why their Dad has all but disappeared from their lives. They are 11 and 15. We used to be extremely close, especially so with my son who’s the youngest. I miss them greatly.
I’m tired. I’m genuinely mentally exhausted and my situation has been utter hell. All of which has been deserved, I did the crime, and I will most certainly have to do the time. But, I want my children to hear my side and I have written them a heartfelt letter that conveys some of my feelings and what has happened and why.
I all but guarantee if I chat to them she’ll not let me see them again but there’s certainly no certainty I would anyway given their relocation.
Do I obey her wishes and not tell them anything? Or do I inform them?
Muzzer79 said:
Approximately how long do you think you’re going away for?
Are you worried about not being able to see them whilst you’re in prison?
Your wife’s stance is a little odd - what is she planning on telling them whilst you’re inside? That you’ve just done a runner?
Anywhere from 3-5 years. I don’t have a sentencing date as of yet. It could be April-October, depends entirely on the courts and their backlog of cases. Are you worried about not being able to see them whilst you’re in prison?
Your wife’s stance is a little odd - what is she planning on telling them whilst you’re inside? That you’ve just done a runner?
I don’t want them seeing me in prison particularly, that stance may change as time moves forward but that’s my belief for now.
She wants to tell them her way, not mine. I want some control over what they are told and not just all her side of things. As miserable as it is, I want this to be a valuable lesson to them as to what can happen when lies are told and the consequences can be far reaching.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation
It’s hard to advise but what I will say is that if you value your current and future relationship with your kids then in my opinion honesty is key ( ironic I know as dishonesty has got you where you are )
I’ve recently been through a similar dilemma, not about prison but my health and life expectancy
It is a very hard decision to make, and an even harder conversation to have. Telling a teenager they are possibly going to lose their father, in my case permanently, is horrible and one of the worst things ever
My advice is do what you think is right, not your wife, and base that on your relationship with your children and what relationship you want ongoing in the future
As I said my advice is be open and honest with them
Good luck whatever you decide to do
It’s hard to advise but what I will say is that if you value your current and future relationship with your kids then in my opinion honesty is key ( ironic I know as dishonesty has got you where you are )
I’ve recently been through a similar dilemma, not about prison but my health and life expectancy
It is a very hard decision to make, and an even harder conversation to have. Telling a teenager they are possibly going to lose their father, in my case permanently, is horrible and one of the worst things ever
My advice is do what you think is right, not your wife, and base that on your relationship with your children and what relationship you want ongoing in the future
As I said my advice is be open and honest with them
Good luck whatever you decide to do
It must be really difficult but is there any chance of having a sensible discussion with their mother ?
I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
Earthdweller said:
I’m sorry to hear about your situation
It’s hard to advise but what I will say is that if you value your current and future relationship with your kids then in my opinion honesty is key ( ironic I know as dishonesty has got you where you are )
I’ve recently been through a similar dilemma, not about prison but my health and life expectancy
It is a very hard decision to make, and an even harder conversation to have. Telling a teenager they are possibly going to lose their father, in my case permanently, is horrible and one of the worst things ever
My advice is do what you think is right, not your wife, and base that on your relationship with your children and what relationship you want ongoing in the future
As I said my advice is be open and honest with them
Good luck whatever you decide to do
Sorry to hear about your situation, I cannot imagine that level of pain. It’s hard to advise but what I will say is that if you value your current and future relationship with your kids then in my opinion honesty is key ( ironic I know as dishonesty has got you where you are )
I’ve recently been through a similar dilemma, not about prison but my health and life expectancy
It is a very hard decision to make, and an even harder conversation to have. Telling a teenager they are possibly going to lose their father, in my case permanently, is horrible and one of the worst things ever
My advice is do what you think is right, not your wife, and base that on your relationship with your children and what relationship you want ongoing in the future
As I said my advice is be open and honest with them
Good luck whatever you decide to do
I can only hope that given enough time, they can make their own decisions whether they want me to be part of their lives post my sentence. I am deeply worried about my daughter, she’s so like me it’s frightening, especially at that age. I don’t want her to bottle all of her feelings up.
RiseUp said:
I’ll be seeing them in a couple of weeks to give them their Christmas presents and I’ve been told very explicitly to not tell them any of my woes or concerns or why their Dad has all but disappeared from their lives. They are 11 and 15. We used to be extremely close, especially so with my son who’s the youngest. I miss them greatly.
Given their ages, I don't think your wife has any right to dictate what you can or cannot say to your own children. It would be far better for them to hear it from the person who caused the issue and is dealing with the consequences in the big house of bad decisions.Tell them, would be my advice. Frame it “properly” - you committed a crime, it was a stupid mistake that you regret and that they should avoid making, and the thing you regret most is that it will stop you from seeing them for a while.
They’re going to find out one way or another. It’s best (as they’re not very young) that they hear your side, understand that you love them, and that you’re not vanishing without a trace by any choice of yours. Except, I suppose, the choice you made to commit a crime, but that ship has sailed!
They’re going to find out one way or another. It’s best (as they’re not very young) that they hear your side, understand that you love them, and that you’re not vanishing without a trace by any choice of yours. Except, I suppose, the choice you made to commit a crime, but that ship has sailed!
Vasco said:
It must be really difficult but is there any chance of having a sensible discussion with their mother ?
I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
My ex wife is an enigma, much as she’d probably say the same of me. The girl I see in person is completely different to the one I am presented with in messages and phone calls. I still see softness in her eyes and smile and the way she looks at me. Over messages she is callous, calculating and extremely cold. I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
She’s still yet to inform me of their new address and what school the kids will be attending, despite me asking several times. I’ve stopped asking as it’s serving zero purpose.
RiseUp said:
Vasco said:
It must be really difficult but is there any chance of having a sensible discussion with their mother ?
I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
My ex wife is an enigma, much as she’d probably say the same of me. The girl I see in person is completely different to the one I am presented with in messages and phone calls. I still see softness in her eyes and smile and the way she looks at me. Over messages she is callous, calculating and extremely cold. I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
She’s still yet to inform me of their new address and what school the kids will be attending, despite me asking several times. I’ve stopped asking as it’s serving zero purpose.
Surely, even your wife must realise that the children need to hear the truth ?
I found when I was going through my divorce that I could talk to the kids (14,11,8) in a quite adult manner and tell them what they needed to know and discuss things with them.
Kids can be very resilient and quite grown up with their questions if you talk with them and be as straight about what's going on.
Take an opportunity when you have nothing else going on to get them together in a relaxed environment and have a chat with them and let them ask the questions when they want to... and answer them as honestly as you can.
Yours at 11 and 15 will have a good idea what's going on and that's things are changing and that's probably more unsettling than the actual impacts of what's coming, so level with them so they have a better idea of what's coming and why you may not be around for a while.
All IMHO of course, but I wouldn't want their only source of info. being the ex.
Kids can be very resilient and quite grown up with their questions if you talk with them and be as straight about what's going on.
Take an opportunity when you have nothing else going on to get them together in a relaxed environment and have a chat with them and let them ask the questions when they want to... and answer them as honestly as you can.
Yours at 11 and 15 will have a good idea what's going on and that's things are changing and that's probably more unsettling than the actual impacts of what's coming, so level with them so they have a better idea of what's coming and why you may not be around for a while.
All IMHO of course, but I wouldn't want their only source of info. being the ex.
Vasco said:
RiseUp said:
Vasco said:
It must be really difficult but is there any chance of having a sensible discussion with their mother ?
I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
My ex wife is an enigma, much as she’d probably say the same of me. The girl I see in person is completely different to the one I am presented with in messages and phone calls. I still see softness in her eyes and smile and the way she looks at me. Over messages she is callous, calculating and extremely cold. I guess you're going to say that it's got beyond that - but it really should be undertaken, for the children to better understand the situation [far more important than her - or your - issues]
She’s still yet to inform me of their new address and what school the kids will be attending, despite me asking several times. I’ve stopped asking as it’s serving zero purpose.
Surely, even your wife must realise that the children need to hear the truth ?
Piersman2 said:
I found when I was going through my divorce that I could talk to the kids (14,11,8) in a quite adult manner and tell them what they needed to know and discuss things with them.
Kids can be very resilient and quite grown up with their questions if you talk with them and be as straight about what's going on.
Take an opportunity when you have nothing else going on to get them together in a relaxed environment and have a chat with them and let them ask the questions when they want to... and answer them as honestly as you can.
Yours at 11 and 15 will have a good idea what's going on and that's things are changing and that's probably more unsettling than the actual impacts of what's coming, so level with them so they have a better idea of what's coming and why you may not be around for a while.
All IMHO of course, but I wouldn't want their only source of info. being the ex.
I’ve been out of the family home since September 2020 and I’ve been amazed at their resilience. I had a chat with them in March that I was talking to the Police as articles had begun to surface and I didn’t want them to Google their name and find that. So they’re very loosely aware but have zero idea that I’m heading to prison. Kids can be very resilient and quite grown up with their questions if you talk with them and be as straight about what's going on.
Take an opportunity when you have nothing else going on to get them together in a relaxed environment and have a chat with them and let them ask the questions when they want to... and answer them as honestly as you can.
Yours at 11 and 15 will have a good idea what's going on and that's things are changing and that's probably more unsettling than the actual impacts of what's coming, so level with them so they have a better idea of what's coming and why you may not be around for a while.
All IMHO of course, but I wouldn't want their only source of info. being the ex.
Definitely tell them, they are old enough to know what is going on and not having the full picture will just cause them even more anxiety.
I also would tell them face to face as they’ll have their own (tough) questions to ask.
Would make sure it’s after Christmas so you/they can enjoy it without a dark cloud over there heads
Good luck op, hard situation to be in.
I also would tell them face to face as they’ll have their own (tough) questions to ask.
Would make sure it’s after Christmas so you/they can enjoy it without a dark cloud over there heads
Good luck op, hard situation to be in.
I could always tell them closer to my actual sentencing but that doesn’t explain why things have been how they are and the sheer pain i feel about what is to come and has happened.
I am so genuinely lost as to what to do. I just don’t know when I’ll see them again next which makes it extremely difficult to plan anything for the future.
I am so genuinely lost as to what to do. I just don’t know when I’ll see them again next which makes it extremely difficult to plan anything for the future.
As things progress, I’ll be able to reveal more of my story. I’ve kept a journal since 2020 so have plenty of things written down.
It has been such a roller coaster of emotions, as more times passes, it becomes harder to recognise my own actions that led me to where I am today. I am appalled and so ashamed. However, I want to try and make use of my situation and help anyone ever facing similar circumstances. I let things consume me, I was sure I could fix everything without anyone knowing and all I did was make things so considerably worse. I have learnt so much about myself and I still have so much more to go through and process.
It has been such a roller coaster of emotions, as more times passes, it becomes harder to recognise my own actions that led me to where I am today. I am appalled and so ashamed. However, I want to try and make use of my situation and help anyone ever facing similar circumstances. I let things consume me, I was sure I could fix everything without anyone knowing and all I did was make things so considerably worse. I have learnt so much about myself and I still have so much more to go through and process.
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