Feeling like I'm living in a monochrome world.
Discussion
Long story short recently I find myself in the following bit of a predicament. I seem to be losing interest in everything I previously enjoyed, it's all kind of mediocre really. Also I am unable to concentrate or maintain a train of coherent thoughts, now usually I can go off on a tangent within the same context of thought, but now nothing feels interlinked just bits here and there of randomness. I'm having odd sleep patterns as well, with a noticeable reduction in the time spent sleeping. Also I am struggling to eat and I am pretty much forcing myself to, which is hugely irregular as I was previously an avid gym goer so needed to eat to gain weight.
I don't know really, at what 19 years old this all seems strange to me really. I have had phases like this before but usually just try get on with everything as normal to some avail. Now I'm not one for ever sharing my thoughts and emotions with anyone at all including close friends and family. I've led a troubled past and I dare say present too, but surely this wouldn't really lead to such a lack of energy to life? I am usually very happy with everything and no phased by anything but I lapse into these phases every now and then.
I can't describe what emotions I presently feel as I honestly don't feel anything at all, everything is just there really. It's like everything looks, feels and sounds the same regardless. Now I know all the above are classic signs of depression, but I absolutely hate admitting when things are a little tough for me. Now I am absolutely clueless of what to do really, I absolutely loathe this sense of emptiness and sorrow. It just doesn't feel like a case of cheer up and things will get better. It's just so odd that in the prime of my life I keep getting held back by this lack of emotion.
It's just in my late teens everything has deteriorated, I constantly seem to be making wrong decisions and generally f
king up slowly but surely. Messing up education, work and relationships through just I can only describe as pure stupidity. I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong as such, I used to be highly intelligent and articulate but these days it's all just gone. I feel as if I have wasted my potential.
Sorry for such a poor, lengthy and incoherent post, but can anyone try help me make sense and logic from all this?
I don't know really, at what 19 years old this all seems strange to me really. I have had phases like this before but usually just try get on with everything as normal to some avail. Now I'm not one for ever sharing my thoughts and emotions with anyone at all including close friends and family. I've led a troubled past and I dare say present too, but surely this wouldn't really lead to such a lack of energy to life? I am usually very happy with everything and no phased by anything but I lapse into these phases every now and then.
I can't describe what emotions I presently feel as I honestly don't feel anything at all, everything is just there really. It's like everything looks, feels and sounds the same regardless. Now I know all the above are classic signs of depression, but I absolutely hate admitting when things are a little tough for me. Now I am absolutely clueless of what to do really, I absolutely loathe this sense of emptiness and sorrow. It just doesn't feel like a case of cheer up and things will get better. It's just so odd that in the prime of my life I keep getting held back by this lack of emotion.
It's just in my late teens everything has deteriorated, I constantly seem to be making wrong decisions and generally f
king up slowly but surely. Messing up education, work and relationships through just I can only describe as pure stupidity. I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong as such, I used to be highly intelligent and articulate but these days it's all just gone. I feel as if I have wasted my potential. Sorry for such a poor, lengthy and incoherent post, but can anyone try help me make sense and logic from all this?
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck ...
You've already worked out for yourself that you are displaying symptoms of depression, in which case maybe it's time to pluck up the courage to go see a doc about it. What's the worst that could happen? The things that may hold you back from doing so are lethargy or pessimism about the benefits of doing so, which are themselves maybe additional signs; or denial or pride in which case I'd suggest that you view your mental health as at least as important as your physical. If you go to the gym to keep yourself in shape why not pay a little attention to your head too?
The other thing I would observe is that you're at a transitional time of life. 19 may feel like your prime but honestly you won't be "past it" for many years to come! Maybe you've built up an unrealistic view of what life as an adult was going to be like and you're piling too much pressure on yourself too early. It's maybe not an ideal time to be setting out on life what with the economy, jobs, housing etc but bear in mind that the media will apply maximum spin to any story and don't write yourself off. Unless you're really unlucky, things will work out for you, just take things as they come but make sure you don't miss any opportunities.
You've already worked out for yourself that you are displaying symptoms of depression, in which case maybe it's time to pluck up the courage to go see a doc about it. What's the worst that could happen? The things that may hold you back from doing so are lethargy or pessimism about the benefits of doing so, which are themselves maybe additional signs; or denial or pride in which case I'd suggest that you view your mental health as at least as important as your physical. If you go to the gym to keep yourself in shape why not pay a little attention to your head too?
The other thing I would observe is that you're at a transitional time of life. 19 may feel like your prime but honestly you won't be "past it" for many years to come! Maybe you've built up an unrealistic view of what life as an adult was going to be like and you're piling too much pressure on yourself too early. It's maybe not an ideal time to be setting out on life what with the economy, jobs, housing etc but bear in mind that the media will apply maximum spin to any story and don't write yourself off. Unless you're really unlucky, things will work out for you, just take things as they come but make sure you don't miss any opportunities.
Prak said:
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck ...
You've already worked out for yourself that you are displaying symptoms of depression, in which case maybe it's time to pluck up the courage to go see a doc about it. What's the worst that could happen? The things that may hold you back from doing so are lethargy or pessimism about the benefits of doing so, which are themselves maybe additional signs; or denial or pride in which case I'd suggest that you view your mental health as at least as important as your physical. If you go to the gym to keep yourself in shape why not pay a little attention to your head too?
The other thing I would observe is that you're at a transitional time of life. 19 may feel like your prime but honestly you won't be "past it" for many years to come! Maybe you've built up an unrealistic view of what life as an adult was going to be like and you're piling too much pressure on yourself too early. It's maybe not an ideal time to be setting out on life what with the economy, jobs, housing etc but bear in mind that the media will apply maximum spin to any story and don't write yourself off. Unless you're really unlucky, things will work out for you, just take things as they come but make sure you don't miss any opportunities.
What he said; I didn't really get my sYou've already worked out for yourself that you are displaying symptoms of depression, in which case maybe it's time to pluck up the courage to go see a doc about it. What's the worst that could happen? The things that may hold you back from doing so are lethargy or pessimism about the benefits of doing so, which are themselves maybe additional signs; or denial or pride in which case I'd suggest that you view your mental health as at least as important as your physical. If you go to the gym to keep yourself in shape why not pay a little attention to your head too?
The other thing I would observe is that you're at a transitional time of life. 19 may feel like your prime but honestly you won't be "past it" for many years to come! Maybe you've built up an unrealistic view of what life as an adult was going to be like and you're piling too much pressure on yourself too early. It's maybe not an ideal time to be setting out on life what with the economy, jobs, housing etc but bear in mind that the media will apply maximum spin to any story and don't write yourself off. Unless you're really unlucky, things will work out for you, just take things as they come but make sure you don't miss any opportunities.
t together until well into my twenties, until then I coasted/sleepwalked through some quite special education/learning opportunities and a couple of jobs and with hindsight made a few bad decisions. However, nobody died, I didn't go to jail and I'm quite happy where I am now. My only caution would be that your GP will probably fast track you onto happy pills of some kind; I would only agree to those if they are combined with some form of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy/headshrinking/counselling. On the NHS there may be a long wait for that depending on your postcode, unless you are having thoughts of self-harm.There's been so very well reasoned points made here. I have nearly killed myself and had court proceedings through poor judgement within the last year, I am bloody lucky to be alive say the least. I'm not proud of the above, just ashamed really.
I think it's a pride thing really seeking help, it's an alien concept to me as I just get on with matters regardless. The one thing I value is my mental fortitude, it's got me through a lot. Think along the lines of a childhood of torture really day in day out(along the lines of the book "A child called it") and coping with the loss of loved siblings (I was 11 at the time and she was just 7, also at the time I was going through the adoption process)early on, it's the thing I am most terrified of is compromising that mental strength. Obviously I am extremely sceptical about anything that may alter my thought processes and reasoning, hence never speaking to anyone about my episodes.
I guess I'm expecting a little too much from myself so soon really, it is a transitional period in my life and I should take it at face value for what it is. I think it's from having to mature from such a young age that I expect so much of myself so early on. I know it's all hyperbole about the majority of youths being write offs.
I guess it's a case of acceptance really, either I swallow my pride or allow this lack of emotions fester and reoccur. Odds are it will be happy pills of some sort as I have previously self harmed, along with counseling not ideal but has the potential to be viable. The other issue is that I do not allow people to know what I am thinking, so counseling is rather void really. It's a terrifying proposition ever way, as I am none to keen on the concept of pills influencing brain function.
I think it's a pride thing really seeking help, it's an alien concept to me as I just get on with matters regardless. The one thing I value is my mental fortitude, it's got me through a lot. Think along the lines of a childhood of torture really day in day out(along the lines of the book "A child called it") and coping with the loss of loved siblings (I was 11 at the time and she was just 7, also at the time I was going through the adoption process)early on, it's the thing I am most terrified of is compromising that mental strength. Obviously I am extremely sceptical about anything that may alter my thought processes and reasoning, hence never speaking to anyone about my episodes.
I guess I'm expecting a little too much from myself so soon really, it is a transitional period in my life and I should take it at face value for what it is. I think it's from having to mature from such a young age that I expect so much of myself so early on. I know it's all hyperbole about the majority of youths being write offs.
I guess it's a case of acceptance really, either I swallow my pride or allow this lack of emotions fester and reoccur. Odds are it will be happy pills of some sort as I have previously self harmed, along with counseling not ideal but has the potential to be viable. The other issue is that I do not allow people to know what I am thinking, so counseling is rather void really. It's a terrifying proposition ever way, as I am none to keen on the concept of pills influencing brain function.
Doctor, ASAP.
Don't think of it as weakness - if it goes against the grain that much for you then think of it is a challenge rather than some kind of admission of failure. You don't have to take the pills they give you or implement any new ways of thinking although clearly you should strongly consider it. Go ask, you've got nothing to lose. You might believe that you are mentally strong and independent but you've already been taught and otherwise mentally "programmed" during the course of your life and you'll continue to learn and adapt. There is no shame in taking advice from those that know their onions.
Your mental health is no different to your physical - if you had a broken leg you wouldn't just sit there and wait for it to heal through your own fortitude would you? You'd get professional help.
Doctors. Just do it.
Don't think of it as weakness - if it goes against the grain that much for you then think of it is a challenge rather than some kind of admission of failure. You don't have to take the pills they give you or implement any new ways of thinking although clearly you should strongly consider it. Go ask, you've got nothing to lose. You might believe that you are mentally strong and independent but you've already been taught and otherwise mentally "programmed" during the course of your life and you'll continue to learn and adapt. There is no shame in taking advice from those that know their onions.
Your mental health is no different to your physical - if you had a broken leg you wouldn't just sit there and wait for it to heal through your own fortitude would you? You'd get professional help.
Doctors. Just do it.
I agree with Prak's advice.
It is hard to admit feeling depressed as we, the one with depression, see it as a weakness. I was in denial when I had it so much so that my GP shouted at me and told me to shut up as I sat there saying I hadn't. Perfectionists tend to suffer with depression. Perfectionists are very hard on themselves, seeing asking for help as a weakness.
You state that you think you made some bad choices in education and relationships. I think most of us can say that. You are still very young and can go back to college. I used to be a lecturer and taught many mature students who went on to gain qualifications and gain a new career. I have had career changes and I've had lots of different jobs. Our interests and skills change all the time. The World is a fast changing place and retraining is something we all must do. see it as an exciting challenge. Set yourself some goals. Really think about what you are good at and enjoy doing. Talk to your parents and if you are still at college talk to your tutors.
And if you don't exercise, try taking up some sort of activity, whether it be running, swimming, boxing or gym. This boosts our natural endorphins and the added benefit of feeling more alert, toned and energised will boost your self-esteem which has probably taken a real bashing.
I know it is hard to talk to people about depression. You'll be amazed at what a relief it is when you do so. It is probably best to talk with a psychologist. Family can be judgmental and if you are like me they are the last people you'd want to talk to. And, if you're like me, you'll want to put a brave face on it with friends because you think nobody wants to talk to a miserable fecker
Or you might just think nobody else gives a st. Truth is, your friends and family love you and want you to be happy.
Keep us posted on your progress and feel the collective love of PH (Health Matters PH folk that is
)
It is hard to admit feeling depressed as we, the one with depression, see it as a weakness. I was in denial when I had it so much so that my GP shouted at me and told me to shut up as I sat there saying I hadn't. Perfectionists tend to suffer with depression. Perfectionists are very hard on themselves, seeing asking for help as a weakness.
You state that you think you made some bad choices in education and relationships. I think most of us can say that. You are still very young and can go back to college. I used to be a lecturer and taught many mature students who went on to gain qualifications and gain a new career. I have had career changes and I've had lots of different jobs. Our interests and skills change all the time. The World is a fast changing place and retraining is something we all must do. see it as an exciting challenge. Set yourself some goals. Really think about what you are good at and enjoy doing. Talk to your parents and if you are still at college talk to your tutors.
And if you don't exercise, try taking up some sort of activity, whether it be running, swimming, boxing or gym. This boosts our natural endorphins and the added benefit of feeling more alert, toned and energised will boost your self-esteem which has probably taken a real bashing.
I know it is hard to talk to people about depression. You'll be amazed at what a relief it is when you do so. It is probably best to talk with a psychologist. Family can be judgmental and if you are like me they are the last people you'd want to talk to. And, if you're like me, you'll want to put a brave face on it with friends because you think nobody wants to talk to a miserable fecker
Or you might just think nobody else gives a st. Truth is, your friends and family love you and want you to be happy.Keep us posted on your progress and feel the collective love of PH (Health Matters PH folk that is
)Edited by EmmaP on Wednesday 1st June 20:30
Firstly thank you for the brilliant advice, all of it useful. I am making plans to go have "the chat" with a GP to see how we progress from all this, hopefully in a more positive direction. It's taken time to admit that something needs to be done and external influences.
I'm struggling to grasp the idea of it not being a weakness, when it influences everything you do in a negative fashion. I probably should look after my mental health a lot better than I am doing really, whilst physiological pain isn't a hindrance psychological pain is.
I'll take it step by step and try to regain a sense of normality, just little things to elevate my mood. It's an extremely complex thing to discuss with friends and family, as I am emotionally closed naturally so opening up isn't going to happen with someone I know.
I know I shouldn't dwindle upon the past but what really gets to me is the little details of everything, that are trivial to most. Well I am trying to project a positive out look but as for what I am feeling now will hopefully fade away. I cut all drinking and drugs right out a few months ago, which did improve things massively. Well later today I am hoping to be motivated enough to get back down the gym and restore some focus and perspective on things.
Once again thank you for the advice, and for allowing me to vent some of this. I'll see how things progress really and take it from there.
I'm struggling to grasp the idea of it not being a weakness, when it influences everything you do in a negative fashion. I probably should look after my mental health a lot better than I am doing really, whilst physiological pain isn't a hindrance psychological pain is.
I'll take it step by step and try to regain a sense of normality, just little things to elevate my mood. It's an extremely complex thing to discuss with friends and family, as I am emotionally closed naturally so opening up isn't going to happen with someone I know.
I know I shouldn't dwindle upon the past but what really gets to me is the little details of everything, that are trivial to most. Well I am trying to project a positive out look but as for what I am feeling now will hopefully fade away. I cut all drinking and drugs right out a few months ago, which did improve things massively. Well later today I am hoping to be motivated enough to get back down the gym and restore some focus and perspective on things.
Once again thank you for the advice, and for allowing me to vent some of this. I'll see how things progress really and take it from there.
OP if it helps I went through something which I think is similar. I went to see the doctor and was on happy pills for nearly 2 years and I only stopped because I was too drunk to make my appointment to get more.
Once you hit rock bottom there is only one way, knowing what rock bottom is though may take some time. I lost the one person that I really cared about at perhaps the worst time too.
But most of all I accepted that things were st and needed to be addressed. Things are not perfect now but things are not as bad as they were. Feel free to PM.
Once you hit rock bottom there is only one way, knowing what rock bottom is though may take some time. I lost the one person that I really cared about at perhaps the worst time too.
But most of all I accepted that things were s
t and needed to be addressed. Things are not perfect now but things are not as bad as they were. Feel free to PM.This woman is excellent. I have one of her books on self esteem -
http://www.lyndafield.com/
Her work is well worth reading.
A friend of mine put together a book on short stories from people who used exercise to cope with depression. You may find it inspirational:
http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/index.php?ma...
I have suffered with depression and still battle with the black dog from time to time. I have never been able to talk with my family about how I feel. You might also find assertiveness training helps you too. I did a course on this about 17 years ago and have never looked back.
Please feel free to email me. I worked in post-16 education for 15 years so I have an empathy and understanding of teenage/adolescent problems.
http://www.lyndafield.com/
Her work is well worth reading.
A friend of mine put together a book on short stories from people who used exercise to cope with depression. You may find it inspirational:
http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/index.php?ma...
I have suffered with depression and still battle with the black dog from time to time. I have never been able to talk with my family about how I feel. You might also find assertiveness training helps you too. I did a course on this about 17 years ago and have never looked back.
Please feel free to email me. I worked in post-16 education for 15 years so I have an empathy and understanding of teenage/adolescent problems.
It's not showing weakness to seek medical help when you are ill. Depression is an illness like any other and needs treatment if it's as bad as you describe. If you had lump on your neck, woke up in the morning and couldn't see out of one eye, or started pissing blood you'd hot foot it to the quack. Antediluvian societal attitudes towards mental illness aside, what's different about being sick in the brain?
Right an update, I've not visited a GP yet to discuss things. Now my mood has swung to the exact opposite to how I previously felt, I feel brilliant, care free and my mind is working overtime. It's absolutely fantastic, like a constant high, the only downside is I am very short tempered and feeling irate.
Now I know full well this isn't normal at all so am making plans to discuss things with my GP accordingly. Personally it sounds like Bipolar disorder, and everything I have read about it seems to fit. Plus after conversation with my parents they've noticed my varying mood swings over time.
Now I know full well this isn't normal at all so am making plans to discuss things with my GP accordingly. Personally it sounds like Bipolar disorder, and everything I have read about it seems to fit. Plus after conversation with my parents they've noticed my varying mood swings over time.
Well its been a while since I last posted here do here's an update. I'm due to see a psychiatrist on the 17th and I'm terrified to say the least. I've had yet another depression episode and a few new scars to show for it. Thankfully no suicide attempt this time, this was the worst yet though. Each episode seemas to get darker, at one point I had a rope and step ladder ready in the garage.
Since this I've been trying to create another manic episode with drug abuse. A few hundred quid or so worth of coke is pretty close to a natural high though. It's funny the only thing that scares me is myself, I'm scared of what I'll do next really. I'm nearing my limits of coping really, pretty soon I'm going to end up fking myself up beyond savior.
I've given up drink and all that to try level out. I've also been back to the gym to sort myself out and its going well bar weekends.
Since this I've been trying to create another manic episode with drug abuse. A few hundred quid or so worth of coke is pretty close to a natural high though. It's funny the only thing that scares me is myself, I'm scared of what I'll do next really. I'm nearing my limits of coping really, pretty soon I'm going to end up f
king myself up beyond savior. I've given up drink and all that to try level out. I've also been back to the gym to sort myself out and its going well bar weekends.
Hang in in there mate! See the psychiatrist & (s)he can help you get through this along with all the help we PHers are trying to give you & really feel for you - some of us have been there &/or know someone still there. There is help AND hope. In the meantime, until 17th (& after!) try to focus on the good things, follow some of the 'simple' advice above eg exercise - even just walking will help.
It is very good to hear that you have been able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. I think I would be nervous to say the least too. Actually, I'd be crapping myself before the appointment. Damn those deep caveman reflexes. Nothing rational, just fear of the unknown really.
Difficult problems can require solutions that take a fair time to sort properly, so don't expect overnight results. I would say though, that it is one more step in the right direction (and a very important step at that) and I know how even microscopic changes can mean a heck of a lot.
I wonder if any mention has been made of assigning you a community psychiatric nurse? Over the years I have had a couple of friends who have been assigned a CPN, and they really do change lives. They have the time to get to know you, which GPs generally don't. They can also see you much more often than a GP or psychiatrist (daily if needed), check how you are and offer emotional help rather than platitudes at those bloody tricky times. They can't prescribe, but they can make a recommendation to your GP to change your prescription if needed, etc.
Difficult problems can require solutions that take a fair time to sort properly, so don't expect overnight results. I would say though, that it is one more step in the right direction (and a very important step at that) and I know how even microscopic changes can mean a heck of a lot.
I wonder if any mention has been made of assigning you a community psychiatric nurse? Over the years I have had a couple of friends who have been assigned a CPN, and they really do change lives. They have the time to get to know you, which GPs generally don't. They can also see you much more often than a GP or psychiatrist (daily if needed), check how you are and offer emotional help rather than platitudes at those bloody tricky times. They can't prescribe, but they can make a recommendation to your GP to change your prescription if needed, etc.
It might be worth reading a little bit into boarderline personality disorder. When I sat down and had a think about my mood swings I began to think about VI polar, but after a little bit of reading BPD fits better, at least for me. Anger, self harm, substance abuse, rapid mood changes and depression seem to be par for the course with BPD.
By the way, well done for having the guts to do what I am obviously scared of doing. Please keep us updated. It'd be interesting to here your experience
Did you have to go through your GP to get a referral for a pysc?
By the way, well done for having the guts to do what I am obviously scared of doing. Please keep us updated. It'd be interesting to here your experience
Did you have to go through your GP to get a referral for a pysc?
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