Father trying to put mother into care
Discussion
I’ve just had a phone call from my sister. My father has arranged for my mother to go into a care home for assessment tomorrow morning.
My parents had five children and we all live local to them. Mother has been struggling with dementia and is confused but otherwise in good health.
We had a family wedding 2 weeks ago. i managed to gather views on mothers condition and whether she was suitable to still be living at home and cared for there. It was a unanimous yes; she isn’t ready to go into care. My brothers and sisters are all of the same opinion. She attends day centres 4 days a week and has a private care on the other half day who takes her shopping etc. All my brothers and sisters regularly visit, take out mother etc.
The big question i am asking the masses for is what legal rights do we have to oppose my father?
We are all prepared to help (which we already do). The problem really is my father isn’t prepared to care for her despite all the help he receives. We know he has lots of help but he still feels it’s too much.
We aren’t prepared to sit back and watch her go into a care home as she still has much to give and enjoy. We know the day might come but not yet! What to do!
My parents had five children and we all live local to them. Mother has been struggling with dementia and is confused but otherwise in good health.
We had a family wedding 2 weeks ago. i managed to gather views on mothers condition and whether she was suitable to still be living at home and cared for there. It was a unanimous yes; she isn’t ready to go into care. My brothers and sisters are all of the same opinion. She attends day centres 4 days a week and has a private care on the other half day who takes her shopping etc. All my brothers and sisters regularly visit, take out mother etc.
The big question i am asking the masses for is what legal rights do we have to oppose my father?
We are all prepared to help (which we already do). The problem really is my father isn’t prepared to care for her despite all the help he receives. We know he has lots of help but he still feels it’s too much.
We aren’t prepared to sit back and watch her go into a care home as she still has much to give and enjoy. We know the day might come but not yet! What to do!
If you want to care for her in a family home. You'll have to live in that home 24x7. Your dad really may not be up to the miriad small things that wear you down as a carer in all the hours when others are not around helping.
When she gets up in the night and does a s
t sitting on the stairs, and decides to eat it as she's not sure what to do. and fights anybody trying to stop her (true story). Will you or a sibling be there to help him?
When she gets up in the night and does a s
t sitting on the stairs, and decides to eat it as she's not sure what to do. and fights anybody trying to stop her (true story). Will you or a sibling be there to help him?I have never met your Mother and therefore do not know her condition but living with someone with dementia can be incredibly hard and frustrating for the carer, and I imagine in your Fathers case possibly heartbreaking. Chronic illness can take over the carers life as well... if this can be avoided or at least reduced you should do all you can.
Perhaps if as you say, there are five of you, you could each take turn looking after your mother as respite for your Father. Hard work but it's a way of stopping her going into a home so early.
Perhaps if as you say, there are five of you, you could each take turn looking after your mother as respite for your Father. Hard work but it's a way of stopping her going into a home so early.
If it comes to it I will take her in.
We know when time comes we all as a family will have to make a decision but she is not ready to go into care yet.
They are mid seventies and she has always looked after him in every way. The first time he has to return the care he is seeming to off load her so he can continue his life unaffected.
This isnt just my view its the view of all the family. We wanted to know the legalities for tomorrow. Can we take her to our houses or is it on his say so what happens in the morning?
We know when time comes we all as a family will have to make a decision but she is not ready to go into care yet.
They are mid seventies and she has always looked after him in every way. The first time he has to return the care he is seeming to off load her so he can continue his life unaffected.
This isnt just my view its the view of all the family. We wanted to know the legalities for tomorrow. Can we take her to our houses or is it on his say so what happens in the morning?
I agree, if you're not the one looking after her then don't force someone else too. In addition to what others have said there is also the side it could just be so hard for him to see her like this and knowing it will just get worse. This would be difficult enough as it is, let alone with the actual caring he will have to do.
Hysteria1983 said:
I think unless it's you who is looking after her and living with her, it's hard for you to know what it's like.
It's not the same helping out.
It must be hard for him to see her like that.
Every case is obviously different but I would say that this is the case IME It's not the same helping out.
It must be hard for him to see her like that.
Is it possible for another of you and your siblings to be there 24/7?
landcrab said:
If it comes to it I will take her in.
We know when time comes we all as a family will have to make a decision but she is not ready to go into care yet.
They are mid seventies and she has always looked after him in every way. The first time he has to return the care he is seeming to off load her so he can continue his life unaffected.
This isnt just my view its the view of all the family. We wanted to know the legalities for tomorrow. Can we take her to our houses or is it on his say so what happens in the morning?
I'm guessing here but if she is as well as you and the family think, she is in control of her own fate and cannot simply be 'put in' a home. However what sounds more realistic is that she is quite unwell and the GP would probably rule her not to be compus mentis (sp?) and therefore your father would take over control of decisions. Whether you can then remove her from the home against his will is a tricky one, sounds like it may require the involvement of a solicitor - could you apply for Power of Attourney?We know when time comes we all as a family will have to make a decision but she is not ready to go into care yet.
They are mid seventies and she has always looked after him in every way. The first time he has to return the care he is seeming to off load her so he can continue his life unaffected.
This isnt just my view its the view of all the family. We wanted to know the legalities for tomorrow. Can we take her to our houses or is it on his say so what happens in the morning?
Doesn't sound like you've discussed with your father the possibility of one of you taking her in - surely that's the very first step?
Seems odd that you seem so confident of how well and able she is, yet you had to canvass opinion on her health? Either you're involved and know yourself how she is, or you're removed from the situation and have to ask others - one or the other IMO.
landcrab said:
If it comes to it I will take her in.
But will you able to be there 24/7?landcrab said:
We know when time comes we all as a family will have to make a decision but she is not ready to go into care yet.
They are mid seventies and she has always looked after him in every way. The first time he has to return the care he is seeming to off load her so he can continue his life unaffected.
This isnt just my view its the view of all the family. We wanted to know the legalities for tomorrow. Can we take her to our houses or is it on his say so what happens in the morning?
Caring for someone with Dementia is a full time role, whether or not your Father ahs help, it is still him that has this role They are mid seventies and she has always looked after him in every way. The first time he has to return the care he is seeming to off load her so he can continue his life unaffected.
This isnt just my view its the view of all the family. We wanted to know the legalities for tomorrow. Can we take her to our houses or is it on his say so what happens in the morning?
She is going in for assessment, they won't take her if she isn't ready for it.
The other angle you could reasonably argue this from with your Father is the cost of it - unless she is well 'gone' it will need to be paid for... can he afford it?
Good luck, this is something I am going to have to face with my Father soon, Mum is doing a fabulous job by herself at the moment, but I realise (more than she does I think) that there will come a time when she can no longer cope
Don't be too hard on your Dad
davido140 said:
Hugo a Gogo said:
unless you are prepared to care for her, it's a bit much to force someone else to do it, in my opinion
walk a mile in his shoes etc
Couldnt agree more.walk a mile in his shoes etc
Also,
Then you're a mile away AND you've got his shoes!
Have you all sat down together and discussed it with him? As others have intimated, if you haven't had the long term responsibility of caring for a sick relative 24/7, it's very hard to imagine exactly how soul-destroying it is - I often feel more sorry for the carers.
Good luck.
The reason for guage opinions from others was to trying a be as honest and fair in the assessmnet of the situation. Its difficult obviously for others via the net to get a feel for the situation. But as i said we are trying to sort our position for tomorrow so it a least upsetting to both mother and father. Its a very emotionally charged situation for all, but i want to do the best for all of them.
I work in the health service with elderly patients, have a paramedic sister and an ecp sister. We are versed with caring etc and fully understand the wieght of responsibilty and work. But as i keep saying she isnt as we all feel in need of care home care yet.
Its a difficult situation. We have sort him counselling etc but even after he is determined.
Its a difficult situation. We have sort him counselling etc but even after he is determined.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff