Epic Hair fail - am i worthy of a chimaera ?

[Jammy Dodger]

Seems that chimaeras and hairdressers don't necessarily go hand in hand

I hate going to the barber's. They always balls it up - i invariably get home and spend an hour with whatever's to hand, usually nail scissors (griff girls would use professional hair scissors - oiling & polishing them religiously and wrapping them in a velvet lined bespoke tool roll between uses - wedgies would use a scythe, sickle for the detail work), "correcting" the bits the barber missed.

I'm carrying a bit of weight these days, portly early-middle-aged I suppose, so try to avoid the number 2 all over of yesteryear as it gives my head the appearance of a nailbrush mounting a football.

Anyway, my hair was mid length, been bd hot and muggy these last few nights and in a fit of madness thought I'd cut (sic) out the middleman and trim my own hair. Scouted amazon, bought a Philips "Pro" clipper, it's got a 180degree rotating head (like me), a lockable comb guide, operates wireless 'n everyfing. I mean, with kit like that how difficult can it be ?

Now, this Philips "Pro" clipper, it's foolproof isn't it, that's what the box says and it's adjustable up to 30mm length. So, I think to myself, 30mm, that's alright isn't it, leave it that length on top, fade down through 4/3/2 on the back and sides, job's a good'un.

I charge up the clipper, make sure I put the right comb on, dial the adjustment right up to 30mm and off we go...

bzzzzzzzzztt

fk me ! the bd thing has cut down to about 8mm right from for'ed to crown, looks like Moses parted the Red (well, mousy) Sea. So now I'm looking and feeling a bit like this



What am I going to do ? Ok, stay calm, what's done is done, make the best job I can of it. Half hour later I'm stood in the bathroom with a near as dammit shaved head, apart from round the back and sides edges where I've got a sort of 2 inch mullet thing going on because the clipper, for some reason. isn't picking the hair up on the edges. Something like



Time to enlist some help. So I call the missus upstairs. She just points and laughs. Nice. Reminds me why I married her, that sense of humour. Anyway, I persuade her to shape the edges with my razor, which she does. Sort of. In a lego hair kind of way. She goes downstairs, giggling.

Thing is, I'm still not happy with it. I think I can do better. I figure I can get a bit of a taper going on at the back by using the clippers without the comb guide. Piece of cake, I mean, you know, "how difficult can it be?". I'll do it by feel, I say to myself, what with having no eyes in the back of my head. 30 seconds later... fk me ! I've fked it up even more ! I can't believe it - I've got a grade 0 round the back from ear to ear, topped by a nice big step all the way round.

Now by this stage I'm wondering if maybe this wasn't such a good idea.... shout the missus back up stairs. She's really cracking up now. I beg her to sort it, fade that step in somehow. She calls me a daft tt and says I made my bed, I'll just have to go the barbers tomorrow. I say " what are they gonna do, stick it back on ?". She says I'll just have to wait for it to grow out then. I have a sense of humour failure. She takes pity on me and does the best she can.

I feel like



and I look like a



Money spent on clippers £30
Time spent in bathroom 2 hours
Time spent looking stoopid 4 to 6 weeks

What it costs at the barbers £9
Time in the barbers 15 minutes

Some things are best left to the professionals....

Edited by Jammy Dodger on Tuesday 4th October 13:22

[MADMAX2]

shave it all of and have a tattoo of your car on the top of your head

[Alexdaredevilz]

Best thing I ever done was shave my head

Wake up in the morning = job done

Need a cut? = 10 mins in the mirror

Morning hair is a thing of the past

But more importantly

[TJC46]

Option one:

Shave it all off, stick it on yer chest, buy a wig, a large medallion and go buy

a griff. .....Sorted.

Option two:

Shave it all off, buy a very large jar of lollipops and repeat after me....."who luvs yer baby" .....sorted.

Option three:

Shave it all off, dress up in a pair off black silk "sinbad" pants with matching top" buy a dvd of The King and I starring yul brenner and go and dance around like a daft pk .....sorted.

Or best of all....STOP BEING A TIGHT ARSE, GO TO THE BARBERS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE and you wouldnt have me posting daft suggestions......sorted
Nice original post by the way especially your wifes "deep concern"
Tom.

[Jammy Dodger]

Alexdaredevilz said:

Best thing I ever done was shave my head

Wake up in the morning = job done

Need a cut? = 10 mins in the mirror

Morning hair is a thing of the past

But more importantly

I'm too embarrassed to post a pic, might come back & haunt me

Thank you for your constructive suggestions gentlemen.

Fat and 42 is not sitting well with me... only yesterday my 2.5 year old daughter asked me why i had stripes across my forehead (they're wrinkles)

ETA - and the stripes under my chin are...... more chins

Edited by Jammy Dodger on Tuesday 4th October 06:37

[SILICONEKID340HP]

You spend to much time on the PC

[tonys]

Best laugh I've had for ages; must get out more.

Next time, just use one of these and cut the bits that stick out.

[Jammy Dodger]

SILICONEKID340HP said:

You spend to much time on the PC

you're so right - still not got my car back, should be this week (hmm, where have I heard that before).

At least when I do I'll have an excuse to wear a hat...

Something appropriate, masculine but understated..

not a wedgies' hat like



nor the alternative wedgie look



nor a griff hat like



nor this griff hat



nor even this griff hat (the 'tache is included in the price)



this one would be considered appropriate


|

but even this, frankly, would be an improvement on the barnet

Edited by Jammy Dodger on Tuesday 4th October 08:22

[J400GED]

Epic!

the Mrs had to run to the loo for fear of splitting her cholostomy bag....

[Dr Mike Oxgreen]

Do you want to borrow my pink MX5 baseball cap?

[Jammy Dodger]

Dr Mike Oxgreen said:

Do you want to borrow my pink MX5 baseball cap?

I did think about asking, but I know how attached to it you are

[TVR Beaver]

I once took one side of my hair off with an Oxyacetylene welding torch! Had to do the other side to match (not with the torch obviously!).. Looked a right t*t… and it took ages to grow back!

My barbers cost £4.50 BTW.. where are you going for £9!!

Should be getting better for Christmas then… best of luck… I can send you the link for the pink cap if you’d like to purchase your own!! Go on… you know you want one..

[Jammy Dodger]

TVR Beaver said:

I once took one side of my hair off with an Oxyacetylene welding torch! Had to do the other side to match (not with the torch obviously!).. Looked a right t*t… and it took ages to grow back!

My barbers cost £4.50 BTW.. where are you going for £9!!

Should be getting better for Christmas then… best of luck… I can send you the link for the pink cap if you’d like to purchase your own!! Go on… you know you want one..

my barber has a monopoly round here...

as for the pink baseball cap, there is a line I cannot cross

[bigdods]

Something not right with this thread, every time I open it my AV goes off

www.pistonheads.com contains content from a site known to distribute malware. Your computer might catch a virus if you visit this site.

Very odd

ETA

Removed just in case.

Edited by Big Al. on Tuesday 4th October 09:55

[Mark.]

Great rant - thanks. Funny!

[Chilliman]

4 - 6 weeks to grow it back is a bit optimistic dontcha fink

[Jammy Dodger]

Chilliman said:

4 - 6 weeks to grow it back is a bit optimistic dontcha fink

yeah - thanks for that

[haircutmike]

Careful, look what happened to these griff boys when they made an effort to look trendy to harmonise with their "oh, our's our so much better looking" cars

[Jammy Dodger]

haircutmike said:

Careful, look what happened to these griff boys when they made an effort to look trendy to harmonise with their "oh, our's our so much better looking" cars

i didn't know the Dragon's Den presenter drove a griff !

[DonkeyApple]

Jammy Dodger said:

i didn't know the Dragon's Den presenter drove a griff !

He's definitely a Chim driver.