Automotive Perfection, lies, stupidity and make-believe.
Discussion
It's not easy to find perfection.
That's why for the most part I put up with all the s
t and treacle that is normal everyday life. But today I decided I was going to make a stand. Today I decided I was going to make a difference.
Today I decided I was going to start a thread about my perfect car.
Ok, so frankly, it's not a stand or a difference but at the end of the day a thread's a thread, right?
And this one is mine.
So!
I got to thinking, how possible would it be to actually make my perfect car?
I mean, the things I like aren't that different to the things you like, I'm sure. Well, apart from that thing you like to do with the adult-sized nappy and the junior hacksaw. Obviously.
But most other stuff, generally, that attracts us towards cars seems to come from a fairly generic, if subjective, group of things. Like the way a car looks for example, or how fast it is, or in my case how LOUD it is and how much I can show off it in.
My main problem, at least on this particular subject, is that I want to own every single entertaining or in any way interesting car in the world. The entire world.
I'm an horrendous car we.
An autoslut.
So for me, the perfect car would comprise ALL the things that make me become erect when looking at or furiously trying to own a vehicle.
So with all this in mind I began trimming down what it actually IS that is EVERYTHING I really want in a car, right now. Literally everything.
Phase one - how should it look?
Well, amazingly I realised that this was quite easy for me. I want it to look awesome, but not be all polished and lovely. Weird huh?
Well I figure it like this: My IDEAL car needs to be actually usable, take-to-the-beach-able, it needs to be able to be worked hard and NOT have precious car covers all over it and a bi-fortnightly visit to the paint shop.
I had a range rover like this once, it was immense. An old Classic V8, stripped out and painted matt black - it looked a strange blend of hilarious and terrifying. But I genuinely didn't give a massive st about dents, diry, scratches or anything - because a quick spray from a rattle can or a smack with a hammer sorted it out.
VERY liberating, yet the thing STILL turned heads everywhere I went.
With this in mind, I can only think of two vehicles that are desirable, potential head turners and yet could be beaten, abused and used and STILL look utterly awesomefaced.
This:
And this:
So, amazingly, my ideal car now needs to be a 4x4. Who'd o' thunk it?
Phase two - how will it drive?
Well the simple answer to this is, FAST AND LOUD.
My favourite cars are always stupidly loud, fast, berkmobiles. I don't care that this is a 4x4 and I certainly don't want a diesel, this is my idea car. So bottom line is, it needs to go and sound like this:
But being all fat and heavy, it's going to need a little bit more to get it going, therefore I have decided that something this will need to be shipped in:
Easy.
Finally phase three - what will it be like to drive.
Well the best car I have ever had to waft about in was a Jaguar XJR, I still miss it. It was like sitting in a leather-clad gentleman's club surging about on a wall of pure force. Loved it.
So this car of mine will NEED to be trimmed the living HELL out of with all the leather known to man. It'll need to be comfortable, brilliant;y smooth, with some kind of majorly brilliant suspension set-up-shifting gadgetry to flick between wafter,cruiser and monster-truck.
Bizarrely though, I keep coming back to VW of all people for the interior I would most like to spend a long journey in. So I think what would need to happen is.
Peel a load of these:
Then make it like this.
There.
Perfectly easy.
I now have a bruiser of a 4x4 running 800BHP with a massive engine and trimmed out in pure delicious luxury. I've got everything from mud-scrambling to drag racing covered with the magic suspension. AND I can load it up with all kinds of crap and smash my way down lanes to the seaside.
Trolly dents?
I'll just Hammerite it up and drive OVER your car on the way out.
What on earth have all those car manufacturers been doing all these years?
All this fannying about with flash adverts and emissions or MPG, or other environmental stupidity, when they could have been hammering out my masterpiece like a teenage boy crouched expectantly over a Littlewoods catalogue.
This is a piece of piss!
So what would YOU make then?
That's why for the most part I put up with all the s
t and treacle that is normal everyday life. But today I decided I was going to make a stand. Today I decided I was going to make a difference.Today I decided I was going to start a thread about my perfect car.
Ok, so frankly, it's not a stand or a difference but at the end of the day a thread's a thread, right?
And this one is mine.
So!
I got to thinking, how possible would it be to actually make my perfect car?
I mean, the things I like aren't that different to the things you like, I'm sure. Well, apart from that thing you like to do with the adult-sized nappy and the junior hacksaw. Obviously.
But most other stuff, generally, that attracts us towards cars seems to come from a fairly generic, if subjective, group of things. Like the way a car looks for example, or how fast it is, or in my case how LOUD it is and how much I can show off it in.
My main problem, at least on this particular subject, is that I want to own every single entertaining or in any way interesting car in the world. The entire world.
I'm an horrendous car w
e.An autoslut.
So for me, the perfect car would comprise ALL the things that make me become erect when looking at or furiously trying to own a vehicle.
So with all this in mind I began trimming down what it actually IS that is EVERYTHING I really want in a car, right now. Literally everything.
Phase one - how should it look?
Well, amazingly I realised that this was quite easy for me. I want it to look awesome, but not be all polished and lovely. Weird huh?
Well I figure it like this: My IDEAL car needs to be actually usable, take-to-the-beach-able, it needs to be able to be worked hard and NOT have precious car covers all over it and a bi-fortnightly visit to the paint shop.
I had a range rover like this once, it was immense. An old Classic V8, stripped out and painted matt black - it looked a strange blend of hilarious and terrifying. But I genuinely didn't give a massive s
t about dents, diry, scratches or anything - because a quick spray from a rattle can or a smack with a hammer sorted it out.VERY liberating, yet the thing STILL turned heads everywhere I went.
With this in mind, I can only think of two vehicles that are desirable, potential head turners and yet could be beaten, abused and used and STILL look utterly awesomefaced.
This:
And this:
So, amazingly, my ideal car now needs to be a 4x4. Who'd o' thunk it?
Phase two - how will it drive?
Well the simple answer to this is, FAST AND LOUD.
My favourite cars are always stupidly loud, fast, berkmobiles. I don't care that this is a 4x4 and I certainly don't want a diesel, this is my idea car. So bottom line is, it needs to go and sound like this:
But being all fat and heavy, it's going to need a little bit more to get it going, therefore I have decided that something this will need to be shipped in:
Easy.
Finally phase three - what will it be like to drive.
Well the best car I have ever had to waft about in was a Jaguar XJR, I still miss it. It was like sitting in a leather-clad gentleman's club surging about on a wall of pure force. Loved it.
So this car of mine will NEED to be trimmed the living HELL out of with all the leather known to man. It'll need to be comfortable, brilliant;y smooth, with some kind of majorly brilliant suspension set-up-shifting gadgetry to flick between wafter,cruiser and monster-truck.
Bizarrely though, I keep coming back to VW of all people for the interior I would most like to spend a long journey in. So I think what would need to happen is.
Peel a load of these:
Then make it like this.
There.
Perfectly easy.
I now have a bruiser of a 4x4 running 800BHP with a massive engine and trimmed out in pure delicious luxury. I've got everything from mud-scrambling to drag racing covered with the magic suspension. AND I can load it up with all kinds of crap and smash my way down lanes to the seaside.
Trolly dents?
I'll just Hammerite it up and drive OVER your car on the way out.
What on earth have all those car manufacturers been doing all these years?
All this fannying about with flash adverts and emissions or MPG, or other environmental stupidity, when they could have been hammering out my masterpiece like a teenage boy crouched expectantly over a Littlewoods catalogue.
This is a piece of piss!
So what would YOU make then?
Gorvid said:
So what would YOU make then?
I've often believed in an invisible force which gives perfect cars flaws to make them not perfect 
So many cars have promised to be my ideal, but so few have delivered.Personally, my starting point would be the Porsche Cayman. I'd keep the Cayman's brakes, but take the steering from an Evora, the gearchange from an NSX (but to the right of the driver, not the left. I don't mind climbing over it to get in, I just prefer changing gear with my right hand) and the throttle response from a roller barrel throttled Caterham (R300 for example). I'd also add six more inches of steering wheel reach adjustment so I could get comfortable without contorting myself. The suspension could do with smaller wheels and a trip to Lotus to give it more suppleness over B roads. I'd then give it 500bhp. I'd be tempted to keep the Cayman's looks, because it blends in nicely, doesn't attract too much road rage and doesn't look too bad. Thinking of road rage, I'd also have an unfeasibly bright floodlight fitted in the boot facing backwards, so when the overtaking nazis in their Astras flash me constantly for daring to do more than 42mph in a 60 limit at night I can give them a taste of their own medicine.
Edited by RobM77 on Wednesday 26th October 17:12
I'm not sure there is such a thing as a perfect car for all occasions. I do agree, however, that usability would be key to reaching a good approximation.
Let's say... less than 1,250kg, something loosely 968 size and shape without the rear seats but with a large boot, a suitably sonorous V6 of around 400bhp, a rear-biased Audi R8-style 4WD system, Lotus engineered steering, a nose-lift device to get over speed bumps, a removable targa panel, Porsche ceramic brakes and Lexus quality control. Oh and we'll get that nice Mr Pininfarina to do the styling.
Failing that, I'd settle for one of these:
Let's say... less than 1,250kg, something loosely 968 size and shape without the rear seats but with a large boot, a suitably sonorous V6 of around 400bhp, a rear-biased Audi R8-style 4WD system, Lotus engineered steering, a nose-lift device to get over speed bumps, a removable targa panel, Porsche ceramic brakes and Lexus quality control. Oh and we'll get that nice Mr Pininfarina to do the styling.
Failing that, I'd settle for one of these:
RobM77 said:
I've often believed in an invisible force which gives perfect cars flaws to make them not perfect So many cars have promised to be my ideal, but so few have delivered.
Personally, my starting point would be the Porsche Cayman. I'd keep the Cayman's brakes, but take the steering from an Evora, the gearchange from an NSX (but to the right of the driver, not the left. I don't mind climbing over it to get in, I just prefer changing gear with my right hand) and the throttle response from a roller barrel throttled Caterham (R300 for example). I'd also add six more inches of steering wheel reach adjustment so I could get comfortable without contorting myself. The suspension could do with smaller wheels and a trip to Lotus to give it more suppleness over B roads. I'd then give it 500bhp. I'd be tempted to keep the Cayman's looks, because it blends in nicely, doesn't attract too much road rage and doesn't look too bad. Thinking of road rage, I'd also have an unfeasibly bright floodlight fitted in the boot facing backwards, so when the overtaking nazis in their Astras flash me constantly for daring to do more than 42mph in a 60 limit at night I can give them a taste of their own medicine.
Genius! Brilliant genius! So many cars have promised to be my ideal, but so few have delivered.Personally, my starting point would be the Porsche Cayman. I'd keep the Cayman's brakes, but take the steering from an Evora, the gearchange from an NSX (but to the right of the driver, not the left. I don't mind climbing over it to get in, I just prefer changing gear with my right hand) and the throttle response from a roller barrel throttled Caterham (R300 for example). I'd also add six more inches of steering wheel reach adjustment so I could get comfortable without contorting myself. The suspension could do with smaller wheels and a trip to Lotus to give it more suppleness over B roads. I'd then give it 500bhp. I'd be tempted to keep the Cayman's looks, because it blends in nicely, doesn't attract too much road rage and doesn't look too bad. Thinking of road rage, I'd also have an unfeasibly bright floodlight fitted in the boot facing backwards, so when the overtaking nazis in their Astras flash me constantly for daring to do more than 42mph in a 60 limit at night I can give them a taste of their own medicine.
Take one new GT3 RS 4.0...
Remove it's body with an angle grinder.
Replace with a modified 356 shell sporting an Outlaw look...
The end result would be a car with understated simple timeless retro chic. Yet with the ability to have enormous fun on any track...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n8QqsNDPew
Remove it's body with an angle grinder.
Replace with a modified 356 shell sporting an Outlaw look...
The end result would be a car with understated simple timeless retro chic. Yet with the ability to have enormous fun on any track...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n8QqsNDPew
Gorvid said:
It's not easy to find perfection.
That's why for the most part I put up with all the st and treacle that is normal everyday life. But today I decided I was going to make a stand. Today I decided I was going to make a difference.
Today I decided I was going to start a thread about my perfect car.
Ok, so frankly, it's not a stand or a difference but at the end of the day a thread's a thread, right?
And this one is mine.
So!
I got to thinking, how possible would it be to actually make my perfect car?
I mean, the things I like aren't that different to the things you like, I'm sure. Well, apart from that thing you like to do with the adult-sized nappy and the junior hacksaw. Obviously.
But most other stuff, generally, that attracts us towards cars seems to come from a fairly generic, if subjective, group of things. Like the way a car looks for example, or how fast it is, or in my case how LOUD it is and how much I can show off it in.
My main problem, at least on this particular subject, is that I want to own every single entertaining or in any way interesting car in the world. The entire world.
I'm an horrendous car we.
An autoslut.
So for me, the perfect car would comprise ALL the things that make me become erect when looking at or furiously trying to own a vehicle.
So with all this in mind I began trimming down what it actually IS that is EVERYTHING I really want in a car, right now. Literally everything.
Phase one - how should it look?
Well, amazingly I realised that this was quite easy for me. I want it to look awesome, but not be all polished and lovely. Weird huh?
Well I figure it like this: My IDEAL car needs to be actually usable, take-to-the-beach-able, it needs to be able to be worked hard and NOT have precious car covers all over it and a bi-fortnightly visit to the paint shop.
I had a range rover like this once, it was immense. An old Classic V8, stripped out and painted matt black - it looked a strange blend of hilarious and terrifying. But I genuinely didn't give a massive st about dents, diry, scratches or anything - because a quick spray from a rattle can or a smack with a hammer sorted it out.
VERY liberating, yet the thing STILL turned heads everywhere I went.
With this in mind, I can only think of two vehicles that are desirable, potential head turners and yet could be beaten, abused and used and STILL look utterly awesomefaced.
This:
And this:
So, amazingly, my ideal car now needs to be a 4x4. Who'd o' thunk it?
Phase two - how will it drive?
Well the simple answer to this is, FAST AND LOUD.
My favourite cars are always stupidly loud, fast, berkmobiles. I don't care that this is a 4x4 and I certainly don't want a diesel, this is my idea car. So bottom line is, it needs to go and sound like this:
But being all fat and heavy, it's going to need a little bit more to get it going, therefore I have decided that something this will need to be shipped in:
Easy.
Finally phase three - what will it be like to drive.
Well the best car I have ever had to waft about in was a Jaguar XJR, I still miss it. It was like sitting in a leather-clad gentleman's club surging about on a wall of pure force. Loved it.
So this car of mine will NEED to be trimmed the living HELL out of with all the leather known to man. It'll need to be comfortable, brilliant;y smooth, with some kind of majorly brilliant suspension set-up-shifting gadgetry to flick between wafter,cruiser and monster-truck.
Bizarrely though, I keep coming back to VW of all people for the interior I would most like to spend a long journey in. So I think what would need to happen is.
Peel a load of these:
Then make it like this.
There.
Perfectly easy.
I now have a bruiser of a 4x4 running 800BHP with a massive engine and trimmed out in pure delicious luxury. I've got everything from mud-scrambling to drag racing covered with the magic suspension. AND I can load it up with all kinds of crap and smash my way down lanes to the seaside.
Trolly dents?
I'll just Hammerite it up and drive OVER your car on the way out.
What on earth have all those car manufacturers been doing all these years?
All this fannying about with flash adverts and emissions or MPG, or other environmental stupidity, when they could have been hammering out my masterpiece like a teenage boy crouched expectantly over a Littlewoods catalogue.
This is a piece of piss!
So what would YOU make then?
Gorv,That's why for the most part I put up with all the s
t and treacle that is normal everyday life. But today I decided I was going to make a stand. Today I decided I was going to make a difference.Today I decided I was going to start a thread about my perfect car.
Ok, so frankly, it's not a stand or a difference but at the end of the day a thread's a thread, right?
And this one is mine.
So!
I got to thinking, how possible would it be to actually make my perfect car?
I mean, the things I like aren't that different to the things you like, I'm sure. Well, apart from that thing you like to do with the adult-sized nappy and the junior hacksaw. Obviously.
But most other stuff, generally, that attracts us towards cars seems to come from a fairly generic, if subjective, group of things. Like the way a car looks for example, or how fast it is, or in my case how LOUD it is and how much I can show off it in.
My main problem, at least on this particular subject, is that I want to own every single entertaining or in any way interesting car in the world. The entire world.
I'm an horrendous car w
e.An autoslut.
So for me, the perfect car would comprise ALL the things that make me become erect when looking at or furiously trying to own a vehicle.
So with all this in mind I began trimming down what it actually IS that is EVERYTHING I really want in a car, right now. Literally everything.
Phase one - how should it look?
Well, amazingly I realised that this was quite easy for me. I want it to look awesome, but not be all polished and lovely. Weird huh?
Well I figure it like this: My IDEAL car needs to be actually usable, take-to-the-beach-able, it needs to be able to be worked hard and NOT have precious car covers all over it and a bi-fortnightly visit to the paint shop.
I had a range rover like this once, it was immense. An old Classic V8, stripped out and painted matt black - it looked a strange blend of hilarious and terrifying. But I genuinely didn't give a massive s
t about dents, diry, scratches or anything - because a quick spray from a rattle can or a smack with a hammer sorted it out.VERY liberating, yet the thing STILL turned heads everywhere I went.
With this in mind, I can only think of two vehicles that are desirable, potential head turners and yet could be beaten, abused and used and STILL look utterly awesomefaced.
This:
And this:
So, amazingly, my ideal car now needs to be a 4x4. Who'd o' thunk it?
Phase two - how will it drive?
Well the simple answer to this is, FAST AND LOUD.
My favourite cars are always stupidly loud, fast, berkmobiles. I don't care that this is a 4x4 and I certainly don't want a diesel, this is my idea car. So bottom line is, it needs to go and sound like this:
But being all fat and heavy, it's going to need a little bit more to get it going, therefore I have decided that something this will need to be shipped in:
Easy.
Finally phase three - what will it be like to drive.
Well the best car I have ever had to waft about in was a Jaguar XJR, I still miss it. It was like sitting in a leather-clad gentleman's club surging about on a wall of pure force. Loved it.
So this car of mine will NEED to be trimmed the living HELL out of with all the leather known to man. It'll need to be comfortable, brilliant;y smooth, with some kind of majorly brilliant suspension set-up-shifting gadgetry to flick between wafter,cruiser and monster-truck.
Bizarrely though, I keep coming back to VW of all people for the interior I would most like to spend a long journey in. So I think what would need to happen is.
Peel a load of these:
Then make it like this.
There.
Perfectly easy.
I now have a bruiser of a 4x4 running 800BHP with a massive engine and trimmed out in pure delicious luxury. I've got everything from mud-scrambling to drag racing covered with the magic suspension. AND I can load it up with all kinds of crap and smash my way down lanes to the seaside.
Trolly dents?
I'll just Hammerite it up and drive OVER your car on the way out.
What on earth have all those car manufacturers been doing all these years?
All this fannying about with flash adverts and emissions or MPG, or other environmental stupidity, when they could have been hammering out my masterpiece like a teenage boy crouched expectantly over a Littlewoods catalogue.
This is a piece of piss!
So what would YOU make then?
This is, what the Septics call, ticking all the relevant boxes.
http://www.jeengineering.co.uk/defender/the-je-qzu...
No f
king about.This has got to be up there - the thing was built like a checklist:
That's a fibreglass Ford '32 bodyshell draped over a custom spaceframe with double wishbones all round and pushrod-activated coilovers, powered by a Volvo T5 engine and transmitted through 4wd Sierra Cosworth running gear.
So that's a spaceframed, wishboned hotrod on coilovers with AWD and a turbocharged 5-pot. What more could you want!
That's a fibreglass Ford '32 bodyshell draped over a custom spaceframe with double wishbones all round and pushrod-activated coilovers, powered by a Volvo T5 engine and transmitted through 4wd Sierra Cosworth running gear.
So that's a spaceframed, wishboned hotrod on coilovers with AWD and a turbocharged 5-pot. What more could you want!
Gorvid, your ultimate car is already made, and doesn't need to be a parts bin special:
http://www.pistonheads.com/sales/3298720.htm
Not too far outside the realms of 'purchasable' either.
Looks? Hard as f**king nails.
Sound? Like God gargling with the Devil's balls.
Leather? Adorning every surface that isn't wood.
Performance? Far quicker than it has any right to be, and can be made even more insanerer with a Kleemann or Brabus kit.
Buy that, paint the bull bar black, and take it to some suspension specialist place so they can make it ride properly whilst still handling.
So, £50k all in and Bob's your harmaphrodite midget uncle.
http://www.pistonheads.com/sales/3298720.htm
Not too far outside the realms of 'purchasable' either.
Looks? Hard as f**king nails.
Sound? Like God gargling with the Devil's balls.
Leather? Adorning every surface that isn't wood.
Performance? Far quicker than it has any right to be, and can be made even more insanerer with a Kleemann or Brabus kit.
Buy that, paint the bull bar black, and take it to some suspension specialist place so they can make it ride properly whilst still handling.
So, £50k all in and Bob's your harmaphrodite midget uncle.
Edited by Beefmeister on Friday 28th October 07:23
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