Not enough sex?
Discussion
My mate (yes, it really IS my mate!) is having problems with his marriage of nearly 3 years, basically they've had sex 10 times during that period and that includes non-penetrative intimate stuff too.
He's now at the point where he's really upset about the whole thing and despite talking to her about it she's just not interested in sex at all.
Now he realises that it's not about 'getting your end away' but he's missing the intimacy that he enjoyed prior to getting engaged & married. As a result he's starting to feel a little unwanted and undesirable.
They get on well but I don't think they do enough together and he freely admits that, however they're both very independent people and are happy to do their own thing. He says she's now more like his 'gay best friend'. He's tried to warm things up a bit by arranging weekends away in nice romantic hotels (never any pressure) and she's not been interested.
By the eay, to my knowledge, she's not getting it elsewhere (and nor is he)!
I want to help him, we've been best mates for 20+ years and got ourselves into and out of trouble many times through the years.
What can he do to repair his marriage and sort his sex life out?
Over to you, the PH masses...
He's now at the point where he's really upset about the whole thing and despite talking to her about it she's just not interested in sex at all.
Now he realises that it's not about 'getting your end away' but he's missing the intimacy that he enjoyed prior to getting engaged & married. As a result he's starting to feel a little unwanted and undesirable.
They get on well but I don't think they do enough together and he freely admits that, however they're both very independent people and are happy to do their own thing. He says she's now more like his 'gay best friend'. He's tried to warm things up a bit by arranging weekends away in nice romantic hotels (never any pressure) and she's not been interested.
By the eay, to my knowledge, she's not getting it elsewhere (and nor is he)!
I want to help him, we've been best mates for 20+ years and got ourselves into and out of trouble many times through the years.
What can he do to repair his marriage and sort his sex life out?
Over to you, the PH masses...
Been in a similar relationship, although it was a deterioration over time from "average frequency, I know she's not that bothered" at best to "nothing and she's definitely no longer bothered".
If she's not interested, she's not interested. Despite what some will say on here, she may well not be getting it elsewhere - if she's not interested, and they've talked about it, there's not a lot else he can do. Perhaps they should have discussed it before they got married?! She can't expect the status quo to continue; its hardly fair on your friend. If he's not going to be happy as things are (and the "missing inimacy" thing is very real, I remember it well) its not something he can continue with. Either the relationship changes or they're ultimately not two people who should be married to each other, however well they get on.
In my case we agreed to split up and were fairly grown up about it. I'm in a great relationship now and have been for nearly 2 years. While its sad that things didn't work out before, I couldn't be happier now and ultimately things worked out for the best.
If she's not interested, she's not interested. Despite what some will say on here, she may well not be getting it elsewhere - if she's not interested, and they've talked about it, there's not a lot else he can do. Perhaps they should have discussed it before they got married?! She can't expect the status quo to continue; its hardly fair on your friend. If he's not going to be happy as things are (and the "missing inimacy" thing is very real, I remember it well) its not something he can continue with. Either the relationship changes or they're ultimately not two people who should be married to each other, however well they get on.
In my case we agreed to split up and were fairly grown up about it. I'm in a great relationship now and have been for nearly 2 years. While its sad that things didn't work out before, I couldn't be happier now and ultimately things worked out for the best.
jagracer said:
MagicalTrevor said:
I want to help him,
Stop now, you sound gay. 
MagicalTrevor said:
What can he do to repair his marriage and sort his sex life out?
Over to you, the PH masses...
Probably nothing apart live with it or dump her.Over to you, the PH masses...
Flip Martian said:
Been in a similar relationship, although it was a deterioration over time from "average frequency, I know she's not that bothered" at best to "nothing and she's definitely no longer bothered".
You can get that situation with age, illness etc, and that's when you might learn to live with it.I definitely think its worth her going to the docs before considering the relationship dead. It's a marriage so she has to do her fair share of keeping it together of at all possible.
There are plenty of medical reasons that she might have gone off it and if there isn't anything medical the docs can refer to get counselling which might reveal what has been missing for her since they got married.
If it had been the same since before getting engaged/married I would say thy he knew why he was getting in for. But this is not fair on him. He has done he right things to see if he can rekindle it and it hasn't worked. She needs to try too. If she ant be bothered to try, it would make me believe that she has fallen out of love with him and doesn't want their relationship to work out like that anyway.
In the back of her mind she must be thinking that there is more to marriage than this and also be worrying that if he doesn't get it from her then eventually he will try and get it elsewhere, no matter how nice he is and that he wouldn't want to do that.
There are plenty of medical reasons that she might have gone off it and if there isn't anything medical the docs can refer to get counselling which might reveal what has been missing for her since they got married.
If it had been the same since before getting engaged/married I would say thy he knew why he was getting in for. But this is not fair on him. He has done he right things to see if he can rekindle it and it hasn't worked. She needs to try too. If she ant be bothered to try, it would make me believe that she has fallen out of love with him and doesn't want their relationship to work out like that anyway.
In the back of her mind she must be thinking that there is more to marriage than this and also be worrying that if he doesn't get it from her then eventually he will try and get it elsewhere, no matter how nice he is and that he wouldn't want to do that.
Changedmyname said:
Yes they should'nt be together,they are not compatable.
End of.
But they're compatible in pretty much every other aspect and they love each other dearly and I think that he should exhaust every other option before leaving herEnd of.
Although I think it will end up with them separating
Ilikebeaver said:
There are plenty of medical reasons that she might have gone off it and if there isn't anything medical the docs can refer to get counselling which might reveal what has been missing for her since they got married.
It could well be him, he may not very considerate/good (delete one word) in bed.He should cheat on her with someone hotter.
Either she sees the error of her ways and tries to compete, or she leaves him and at least he knows where he stands.
Win/win.
Women like that really piss me off. I mean, if she doesn't really feel like sex then fine; but how hard would it really be to just let her loving husband have a bit?
Either she sees the error of her ways and tries to compete, or she leaves him and at least he knows where he stands.
Win/win.
Women like that really piss me off. I mean, if she doesn't really feel like sex then fine; but how hard would it really be to just let her loving husband have a bit?
jagracer said:
Flip Martian said:
Been in a similar relationship, although it was a deterioration over time from "average frequency, I know she's not that bothered" at best to "nothing and she's definitely no longer bothered".
You can get that situation with age, illness etc, and that's when you might learn to live with it.Magnificent John said:
I'm sorry but 10 times in three years is ridiculous! He's obviously a very patient man or just completely recessive to her... Maybe there's something wrong with his technique? He sounds like the sort of fella who would make every session into a marathon when most of the time a quickie and cuddle/natter is more than enough.
He needs to man up!!
I fear there is much truth in this statement. This problem is not going to be solved. He needs to man up!!
Ten times in three years is just not fair, responsible or reasonable. It is just silly. It is abuse.
I would suggest your friend is already in an abusive relationship. Women know exactly how much sex men need and clearly therefore your friend's partner is for whatever reason, uninterested in her partners reasonable needs. Or comfort. Or desires. Or happiness. Or indeed sense of worth. Not good.
I would change partners. Now.
Your friend may well be the sort of personality that attracts this sort of selfish behaviour by his partners in relationships.
The classic example is women who move from physically abusive relationship to another physically abusive relationship to another and so on. I detest the abuse of any person, man or woman in a relationship but the fact is some people do attract this sort of treatment.
Despite every support mechanism and every warning offered by friends and professionals, some women simply attract such relationships. So do some men. I fear your friend is one of these.
Having enjoyed huge pleasure from a number of relationships with a number of delightful women over the years, I would suggest that the die is already caste in this relationship. Your friend is on a hiding to nothing with a woman like this.
Do not suggest counselling: do not suggest attempting to repair the mess.
The fundamental understanding, that is essential to successful long term relationships, is missing in this situation. I would strongly suggest your friend cuts his losses and moves on.
There are so many women about who understand exactly what men want and are happy to provide it, in a stable loving relationship, unless you are a masochist, I can see no point in continuing in a relationship such as this.
Steffan said:
I fear there is much truth in this statement. This problem is not going to be solved.
Ten times in three years is just not fair, responsible or reasonable. It is just silly. It is abuse.
I would suggest your friend is already in an abusive relationship. Women know exactly how much sex men need and clearly therefore your friend's partner is for whatever reason, uninterested in her partners reasonable needs. Or comfort. Or desires. Or happiness. Or indeed sense of worth. Not good.
I would change partners. Now.
Your friend may well be the sort of personality that attracts this sort of selfish behaviour by his partners in relationships.
The classic example is women who move from physically abusive relationship to another physically abusive relationship to another and so on. I detest the abuse of any person, man or woman in a relationship but the fact is some people do attract this sort of treatment.
Despite every support mechanism and every warning offered by friends and professionals, some women simply attract such relationships. So do some men. I fear your friend is one of these.
Having enjoyed huge pleasure from a number of relationships with a number of delightful women over the years, I would suggest that the die is already caste in this relationship. Your friend is on a hiding to nothing with a woman like this.
Do not suggest counselling: do not suggest attempting to repair the mess.
The fundamental understanding, that is essential to successful long term relationships, is missing in this situation. I would strongly suggest your friend cuts his losses and moves on.
There are so many women about who understand exactly what men want and are happy to provide it, in a stable loving relationship, unless you are a masochist, I can see no point in continuing in a relationship such as this.
Ten times in three years is just not fair, responsible or reasonable. It is just silly. It is abuse.
I would suggest your friend is already in an abusive relationship. Women know exactly how much sex men need and clearly therefore your friend's partner is for whatever reason, uninterested in her partners reasonable needs. Or comfort. Or desires. Or happiness. Or indeed sense of worth. Not good.
I would change partners. Now.
Your friend may well be the sort of personality that attracts this sort of selfish behaviour by his partners in relationships.
The classic example is women who move from physically abusive relationship to another physically abusive relationship to another and so on. I detest the abuse of any person, man or woman in a relationship but the fact is some people do attract this sort of treatment.
Despite every support mechanism and every warning offered by friends and professionals, some women simply attract such relationships. So do some men. I fear your friend is one of these.
Having enjoyed huge pleasure from a number of relationships with a number of delightful women over the years, I would suggest that the die is already caste in this relationship. Your friend is on a hiding to nothing with a woman like this.
Do not suggest counselling: do not suggest attempting to repair the mess.
The fundamental understanding, that is essential to successful long term relationships, is missing in this situation. I would strongly suggest your friend cuts his losses and moves on.
There are so many women about who understand exactly what men want and are happy to provide it, in a stable loving relationship, unless you are a masochist, I can see no point in continuing in a relationship such as this.
Absolutely this: This is some of the most well thought out and well worded advice I've seen on PH for a long time. The reality is that if he has expressed this is a problem to her and she has done nothing to try and overcome it, she's being selfish, quite frankly. Ultimately a relationship (and especially a marriage) are about teamwork to overcome problems - not just one person dealing with things at a time.
It could be that she has intimacy issues (particularly if she had a childhood where she spent a lot of time alone), but that's not an excuse for her to be "happy" with a situation where she knows full well her partner isn't.
I totally agree with Steffan though, sadly: No amount of counselling can change that IMO. If anything, it would just change the balance of power in the relationship and things would fall apart anyway. I think he's best just cutting the strings, remaining friends with her (if that's what he wants to do) and finding a relationship that works.
Well I bet of this one was posted on mumsnet there'd be 20 replies saying how the guys obviously selfish not giving her the companionship she needs and he deserves to not be getting his way with her!
Unless there's a medical reason why she is fridgid (this can happen and the lady be non the wiser) then he's on a down hill slope. Regardless of how the modern man is expected to act these days its in our design to need regularish sex until we get old and past it! Being trapped in a sexless marriage will start by attacking his confidence but with that will follow other psychological damage and eventually negative physical affects.
He needs to tell her it needs sorting, make her realise how serious this is and if it can't be sorted out or she won't try then divorce is inevitable.
Unless there's a medical reason why she is fridgid (this can happen and the lady be non the wiser) then he's on a down hill slope. Regardless of how the modern man is expected to act these days its in our design to need regularish sex until we get old and past it! Being trapped in a sexless marriage will start by attacking his confidence but with that will follow other psychological damage and eventually negative physical affects.
He needs to tell her it needs sorting, make her realise how serious this is and if it can't be sorted out or she won't try then divorce is inevitable.
stargazer30 said:
Well I bet of this one was posted on mumsnet there'd be 20 replies saying how the guys obviously selfish not giving her the companionship she needs and he deserves to not be getting his way with her!
Unless there's a medical reason why she is fridgid (this can happen and the lady be non the wiser) then he's on a down hill slope. Regardless of how the modern man is expected to act these days its in our design to need regularish sex until we get old and past it! Being trapped in a sexless marriage will start by attacking his confidence but with that will follow other psychological damage and eventually negative physical affects.
He needs to tell her it needs sorting, make her realise how serious this is and if it can't be sorted out or she won't try then divorce is inevitable.
The phrase Unless there's a medical reason why she is fridgid (this can happen and the lady be non the wiser) then he's on a down hill slope. Regardless of how the modern man is expected to act these days its in our design to need regularish sex until we get old and past it! Being trapped in a sexless marriage will start by attacking his confidence but with that will follow other psychological damage and eventually negative physical affects.
He needs to tell her it needs sorting, make her realise how serious this is and if it can't be sorted out or she won't try then divorce is inevitable.
'There are none so blind as those that do not wish to see '
comes to mind.
IMO there is no hope of a change. After ten years? Move on
amir_j said:
Oh dear. Wonder why she married him.
How long were they together before and what was it like then?
They were together for 3.5 years before they got married. Sex was normal but by all accounts they weren't at it like rabbits, they'd already become good friends through work so their love grew from a decent initial friendship rather than from meeting in a club followed by a night drunk passionate sex.How long were they together before and what was it like then?
When they got engaged then things quietened down and petered off fully when they got married.
They had sex ONCE on honeymoon btw
MagicalTrevor said:
They had sex ONCE on honeymoon btw
Missionary position with clothes on? Ouch.This is why I don't agree with the "No sex before marriage" thing. Regardless of how some women dress it up as "Men only being after one thing" sexual compatibility is, IMHO, a fundamental part of a relationship and without it things will go downhill rapidly.
null said:
This is what a mistress is for.
I remain unconvinced that the modern female in the UK will accept a three way relationship.In France yes: in the rest of Europe possibly. In the feminist UK I think you risk your personal safety and are heading for a bruising.
You could rely on deception but that never appeals to me. Duplicitous relationships are hard work. I can never remember where I should have been etc. Plus too fat to hide behind lampposts.
You can cheat on your partner in a supposed loving relationship but who are you kidding? Yourself.
Far better to be upfront and make sure your partner understands your critical values in life, before you get deeply committed. The girls whom I have loved would simply not allow this to happen. They would have been crystal clear on my essentials after a few months of courtship and hopefully I would be aware of their essential elements in a relationship.
The fact that this nonsense, for that is what it is, has gone on for ten years, simply underlines the fact that there is no real relationship. A couple of pals rubbing along together is not the same as a serious loving long term relationship.
It is abuse: your friend would be better out of it.
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