Discussion
This is a difficult thing to admit, and I'm not normally one to make heavily personal posts on here but I'm feeling pretty low at the moment. Whilst some aspects of my life are really positive, there are others that have ground me down to the point I'm fundamentally no longer happy. This is having a hugely negative effect on my relationships with friends, family and significant others and I simply do not know what to do about it...
Things have been tough personally and professionally for a while, and whilst the business is now doing well and we're growing nicely, nothing else seems to have come along with that and it's leaving me feeling utterly terrible.
I suppose the long and the short of it is that I've finally woke up to the fact that all is not well in my life and this is causing me and others to suffer quite badly and ultimately I have to do something about it. It's been suggested to me that I might benefit from some counselling but being a typical bloke, this is something way outside of my comfort zone and I have no idea what to expect or whether it might help.
As much as I would love to 'man up' in standard fashion, unfortunately I think I've tried to man up for too long and it's causing me to self destruct....
Things have been tough personally and professionally for a while, and whilst the business is now doing well and we're growing nicely, nothing else seems to have come along with that and it's leaving me feeling utterly terrible.
I suppose the long and the short of it is that I've finally woke up to the fact that all is not well in my life and this is causing me and others to suffer quite badly and ultimately I have to do something about it. It's been suggested to me that I might benefit from some counselling but being a typical bloke, this is something way outside of my comfort zone and I have no idea what to expect or whether it might help.
As much as I would love to 'man up' in standard fashion, unfortunately I think I've tried to man up for too long and it's causing me to self destruct....
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
As a starter for 10 maybe?
It is good that you have recognised things are not right and that you want to do something about it. This is a positive step so allow yourself to feel good about it.
Good luck with sorting stuff out.
Trace
As a starter for 10 maybe?
It is good that you have recognised things are not right and that you want to do something about it. This is a positive step so allow yourself to feel good about it.
Good luck with sorting stuff out.
Trace
I've been there in the past, as posted above go and speak to your doctor. Make it excessively clear that you don't want any tablets and they'll refer you to a counselor. I know it's outside your comfort zone but as soon as you start talking everything ends up coming out. Taking the first step is always the hardest.
:edit: Feel free to PM me if you would like to know more.
:edit: Feel free to PM me if you would like to know more.
It's a multitude of things I think and that is just it really, I can't rationalise it to any one particular thing that's causing me to feel this way and do the things I do, I suppose that's one of the reasons I am keen to look at the counselling route... I hope that providing I feel I can open up completely that they may be able to guide me towards what the hell is going on in my head.
As regards to a Doctor, I'm registering this afternoon with one - I haven't had one for the last 9 years (stupid, I know).
As regards to a Doctor, I'm registering this afternoon with one - I haven't had one for the last 9 years (stupid, I know).
chunkymonkey71 said:
Seriously, speak to your doctor. Tell them you're not interested in any kind of pills but would rather talk to someone. There are a few agencies etc out there that you can be referred to.
PS- extra man points for your honesty.
Agree with this, although you can find that it takes a while from speaking to a doctor to a counsellor becoming availablePS- extra man points for your honesty.
chunkymonkey71 said:
Seriously, speak to your doctor. Tell them you're not interested in any kind of pills but would rather talk to someone. There are a few agencies etc out there that you can be referred to.
PS- extra man points for your honesty.
I wouldn't discount the option of some tablets to assist in the process, when combined with talking to someone it can be an even bigger help. There should be no stigma attached to taking them, they are merely a switch to control things that your body isn't doing very well on it's own right now, this will change.PS- extra man points for your honesty.
Point of note regarding the doctor - some will be very helpful and refer you to someone, make appointments and be very supportive, others will Google a generic telephone number for you to call and write you a prescription for their cheapest drug of choice without listening to you. Don't be disheartened if the doctor doesn't seem to want to help, it's clear you've already identified what you need right now so work towards that.
There isn't a magic wand but taking the time to establish the cause of you current feelings and working towards a resolution can be done, even if you can't get the help you need in the real world you will always have PH...
Counselling is a brilliant brilliant thing. There is no shame in it. I have gone through it. I felt uncomfortable asking for help and talking to someone about deeply personal things but got past this barrier fairly quickly.
I felt pretty drained after the first few appointments so my advice is don't make an appointment at a time when you have to get back to work straight afterwards. You may need quiet time afterwards to reflect...
I felt pretty drained after the first few appointments so my advice is don't make an appointment at a time when you have to get back to work straight afterwards. You may need quiet time afterwards to reflect...
Sounds like a lot of things, with complex interactions combining to make you unhappy, but you can't see through it all to figure exactly what or why.
By facing it and deciding something needs to be done, you've taken the first step towards getting where you want to be.
For me, the next step would be try and see through the maze and get to the issues. I'd get myself a piece of paper and have two headings - what makes me happy, and what makes me unhappy (what I like about my life/what I don't like). Can be as important or trivial as you like, it's your thoughts.
That's not instead of counselling, but might help you understand the issues and, as such, be better placed to discuss them (and save you a few sessions).
When you're ready, you might move onto writing down, where do I want to be?, what stops me?, how do I tackle that?, who else is involved/affected? I know, sounds a bit project-plan, but I find it useful.
Hard to find time to see the wood for the trees sometimes, but don't think there are no answers. You probably already have the answers and counselling/talking to family or friends will bring them out of you.
Hope it helps a little, good luck.
By facing it and deciding something needs to be done, you've taken the first step towards getting where you want to be.
For me, the next step would be try and see through the maze and get to the issues. I'd get myself a piece of paper and have two headings - what makes me happy, and what makes me unhappy (what I like about my life/what I don't like). Can be as important or trivial as you like, it's your thoughts.
That's not instead of counselling, but might help you understand the issues and, as such, be better placed to discuss them (and save you a few sessions).
When you're ready, you might move onto writing down, where do I want to be?, what stops me?, how do I tackle that?, who else is involved/affected? I know, sounds a bit project-plan, but I find it useful.
Hard to find time to see the wood for the trees sometimes, but don't think there are no answers. You probably already have the answers and counselling/talking to family or friends will bring them out of you.
Hope it helps a little, good luck.
I went for years refusing to talk about the problems I had, and ignoring them. It all finally blew up about a year ago, and since then I’ve been seeing a councillor most weeks. I started of thinking that it would be a waste of time, but within one or two sessions I could see how good it was.
In one year it has helped me to go from, feeling that there was no reason to live, through to being genuinely happy and being able to enjoy life again.
Find a decent counsellor (be prepared to try out a couple of people as you need to find someone that you feel comfortable with), and get started as soon as possible, and don’t worry about your image as a man, other than my wife and now the entire internet, nobody else knows that I’ve been doing this and hence it doesn’t have any impact on how people see me.
In one year it has helped me to go from, feeling that there was no reason to live, through to being genuinely happy and being able to enjoy life again.
Find a decent counsellor (be prepared to try out a couple of people as you need to find someone that you feel comfortable with), and get started as soon as possible, and don’t worry about your image as a man, other than my wife and now the entire internet, nobody else knows that I’ve been doing this and hence it doesn’t have any impact on how people see me.
I got a phone call from a mate 2-1/2 weeks ago who I see about once a week in general but consider to be a good friend and he was at his wits end. A real cry for help type call.
He was sat in his van on top of a bridge over the M25 and had been sat there for 4-5 hours in bits and waiting for the moment he was going to jump. Telling me that he thought the fall wasn't very high so was waiting for a lorry to finish him off.
(A little startled ((Understatement)) by this as I lost my brother 4 years ago from a suicide and his was a fall from height, but felt the need to help)
I got in the van with him and just talked for about an hour on "Why" and the old "what's up" type of thing, as I have always found him to be a strong one and a sort of mate I would turn to if I was ever really in the brown stuff as he has this can-do outlook.
Turns out that he was having Girlfriend problems, a unfinished house project and a kid on the way. I'm not going into great details here because that's his story to tell.
Any way I got him home after he had seen sense and he promised to go to his doctor the next day. I said that maybe it would be a good idea for him to talk to someone or at least get it logged that he was needing help. He did and the doctor gave him a Q&A test of some sort and he was found to be suffering from a serious depression based on what he had told the doctor. He was prescribed these pills similar to Valium and came round the next night to see me and thank me for helping him. We were both in bits at the end of it and he also felt terrible for reminding me of my brothers passing. He knew about it but chose me to talk to as he said he spent ages going through his mobile phone list of people to speak to and just came back to me after going through the list a few times without thinking of my brother.
My point is to the OP, well done for speaking up that the first step taken and now I would suggest you take this to your doctor and verbalise the whole situation to him and let him/her discuss with you what they think is the next best step.
I have made a point of dropping in on my mate a few more times a week now and have helped out with some of the jobs he has at home or at least we have made a list of to-do's and will work through it together.
I cannot tell you how good it has felt to help him, and in a small way to have written this to you.
It is not the case of MTFU, or pull your self together, Just get help where needed.
Seriously hoping that you find all that you need to get by and out of this situation.
Good Luck, and if you need to their is the PM route, I'm more than willing to offer what little help I can.
He was sat in his van on top of a bridge over the M25 and had been sat there for 4-5 hours in bits and waiting for the moment he was going to jump. Telling me that he thought the fall wasn't very high so was waiting for a lorry to finish him off.
(A little startled ((Understatement)) by this as I lost my brother 4 years ago from a suicide and his was a fall from height, but felt the need to help)
I got in the van with him and just talked for about an hour on "Why" and the old "what's up" type of thing, as I have always found him to be a strong one and a sort of mate I would turn to if I was ever really in the brown stuff as he has this can-do outlook.
Turns out that he was having Girlfriend problems, a unfinished house project and a kid on the way. I'm not going into great details here because that's his story to tell.
Any way I got him home after he had seen sense and he promised to go to his doctor the next day. I said that maybe it would be a good idea for him to talk to someone or at least get it logged that he was needing help. He did and the doctor gave him a Q&A test of some sort and he was found to be suffering from a serious depression based on what he had told the doctor. He was prescribed these pills similar to Valium and came round the next night to see me and thank me for helping him. We were both in bits at the end of it and he also felt terrible for reminding me of my brothers passing. He knew about it but chose me to talk to as he said he spent ages going through his mobile phone list of people to speak to and just came back to me after going through the list a few times without thinking of my brother.
My point is to the OP, well done for speaking up that the first step taken and now I would suggest you take this to your doctor and verbalise the whole situation to him and let him/her discuss with you what they think is the next best step.
I have made a point of dropping in on my mate a few more times a week now and have helped out with some of the jobs he has at home or at least we have made a list of to-do's and will work through it together.
I cannot tell you how good it has felt to help him, and in a small way to have written this to you.
It is not the case of MTFU, or pull your self together, Just get help where needed.
Seriously hoping that you find all that you need to get by and out of this situation.
Good Luck, and if you need to their is the PM route, I'm more than willing to offer what little help I can.
Well, I think men like us have a problem with this sort of thing.
A poster up there ^ said 'can you talk to friends?". The problem is that most of us do not want to:
1. give the impression to friends that we aren't doing great, with multiple directorships and a powerful build and;
2. Once we open that box, the friendship is changed for ever.
That is the irrational thought process I went through - and it has led to so much stress and anxiety. THe fact is, things probably aren't rosy and perfect in your friends' lives either - but they won't want to tell you that for the same reason.
So you see your mates, talk about the football or cars or whatever, and you cannot unburden you thoughts or fears and get some good advice or just bend their ear a bit.
I met a new mate recently who (unfortunately for him) bears probably too much of my s
t - but he is a lifesaver. He is always positive, upbeat and merry - and though he never says it, I reckon his life is in parts as stressful and difficult as mine or yours.
One thing that has lifted a huge weight off me - is expectation. I thought I had seriously failed dismally in life. I lost a lot of money recently in the property crash and have lots of stress and issues with banks, debt, cashflowing the interest, keeping a job, retraining at 42 etc.
5 years of being depressed about how crap I have played things, nearly making it but failing, having to move 2 or 3 times just to keep afloat etc. - this negative, grumpiness has now cost me an 18 year marriage - she could probably cope with the straightened times, but not with that AND a grumpy husband/father.
But then I took a breath. I looked at our last 20 years and realised that along the way we'd had a better life than 99% of the population. If we sold everything, even in this market, we'd have over £190k - which while not much to show for 20years, but not exactly going to be the end of the world either.
I am now at peace with the fact that I am unlikely to have a chalet in WHistler, go sailing in Greece every year, work for myself and retire on a £100k/yr pension. But I am not going to be living in penury either.
In summary, maybe you need to be less hard on yourself, adjust your expectations and enjoy what you have.
A poster up there ^ said 'can you talk to friends?". The problem is that most of us do not want to:
1. give the impression to friends that we aren't doing great, with multiple directorships and a powerful build and;
2. Once we open that box, the friendship is changed for ever.
That is the irrational thought process I went through - and it has led to so much stress and anxiety. THe fact is, things probably aren't rosy and perfect in your friends' lives either - but they won't want to tell you that for the same reason.
So you see your mates, talk about the football or cars or whatever, and you cannot unburden you thoughts or fears and get some good advice or just bend their ear a bit.
I met a new mate recently who (unfortunately for him) bears probably too much of my s
t - but he is a lifesaver. He is always positive, upbeat and merry - and though he never says it, I reckon his life is in parts as stressful and difficult as mine or yours.One thing that has lifted a huge weight off me - is expectation. I thought I had seriously failed dismally in life. I lost a lot of money recently in the property crash and have lots of stress and issues with banks, debt, cashflowing the interest, keeping a job, retraining at 42 etc.
5 years of being depressed about how crap I have played things, nearly making it but failing, having to move 2 or 3 times just to keep afloat etc. - this negative, grumpiness has now cost me an 18 year marriage - she could probably cope with the straightened times, but not with that AND a grumpy husband/father.
But then I took a breath. I looked at our last 20 years and realised that along the way we'd had a better life than 99% of the population. If we sold everything, even in this market, we'd have over £190k - which while not much to show for 20years, but not exactly going to be the end of the world either.
I am now at peace with the fact that I am unlikely to have a chalet in WHistler, go sailing in Greece every year, work for myself and retire on a £100k/yr pension. But I am not going to be living in penury either.
In summary, maybe you need to be less hard on yourself, adjust your expectations and enjoy what you have.
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