Grief Counseling
Discussion
A friend of mine lost her Mum recently. She's mid twenties and in the space of a few hours things went from completely normal to her Mum having a massive stroke and being brain dead and my friend having to decide to have the machine switched off.
She's still getting to grips with things and one thing that has been suggested by her doctor (she was there as she lost a load of weight due to the shock and stress of it all) was counseling.
Does anyone have any experience of this?
My friends head is all over the place, and seems to range from anger to acceptance to questioning herself about why she isn't in floods of tears 24x7 - my own view is that everyone copes in their own way and you can't second-guess yourself too much, basically I'm a little wary of some stranger trying to tell her how she should be dealing with it and potentially f
king her up even more, but not having been in that situation and having no experience of it I might be completely ignorant of what a grief counselor actually does.
She's still getting to grips with things and one thing that has been suggested by her doctor (she was there as she lost a load of weight due to the shock and stress of it all) was counseling.
Does anyone have any experience of this?
My friends head is all over the place, and seems to range from anger to acceptance to questioning herself about why she isn't in floods of tears 24x7 - my own view is that everyone copes in their own way and you can't second-guess yourself too much, basically I'm a little wary of some stranger trying to tell her how she should be dealing with it and potentially f
king her up even more, but not having been in that situation and having no experience of it I might be completely ignorant of what a grief counselor actually does.Having had 3 separate sessions of counseling, i'd say that in my own, honest opinion, its very much worth it. However, that was with 3 different people, and I had differing degrees of sucess with them - I found the first to be almost pointless, the second to be ok but short lasting, and the third to be excellent, with my wife commenting on the fact that I am almost a different person (in a good way!) and much more calm and balanced (my problem was anger management, basically that I was not dealing with my grief/anger at the sources and taking it out on her. That third session, which involved much more time than the others, frankly, turned my life around.
One of the 'mums at school' committed suicide recently leaving a distraught husband and a ten and eleven year old.... They are about to start counselling and I can only see it helping.
I imagine a professional counsellor has seen it all - and that experience must be hugely valuable. Questions from those bereaved like 'why am I not crying' or 'I can't talk about it' can be answered with sensitivity.
I imagine a professional counsellor has seen it all - and that experience must be hugely valuable. Questions from those bereaved like 'why am I not crying' or 'I can't talk about it' can be answered with sensitivity.
The counsellor is a kind of none judgemental pair of ears. They will sit and listen and allow her to let it all out without passing comment and in total confidence. They will also give the person some coping strategies that help them when things start going tits up again. It's not a magic wand and there will be no moment of clarity, but what should happen is that the fog starts to clear and she will be able to notice things improving so she can move on.
It's is probably quite important that it is her decision to go, she will know when she is ready.
It's is probably quite important that it is her decision to go, she will know when she is ready.
Had counselling for a few years while learning to cope with fairly rapid onset of severe physical disability.
Reasonably sure that bloke gets credit for my not topping myself at the time.
A good counsellor (and they're almost all good, really) never, ever tells someone how to cope or what they should think, do etc. They just listen - a lot - and occasionally ask questions about what you've told them, or how you feel. For the Potter fans, they're like a human Pensieve - a receptacle for your experiences and feelings that enables you to go back and look over them again, share them with someone else, and talk about it all.
They're well trained and highly skilled and a very safe pair of hands indeed for your friend while she's so fragile.
Reasonably sure that bloke gets credit for my not topping myself at the time.
A good counsellor (and they're almost all good, really) never, ever tells someone how to cope or what they should think, do etc. They just listen - a lot - and occasionally ask questions about what you've told them, or how you feel. For the Potter fans, they're like a human Pensieve - a receptacle for your experiences and feelings that enables you to go back and look over them again, share them with someone else, and talk about it all.
They're well trained and highly skilled and a very safe pair of hands indeed for your friend while she's so fragile.
Never done counseling, but we all have our individual ways of dealing with things.
My Grandma died a few years ago. Not entirely unexpected, she had a cancer. But it was a stroke that got her in the end, so whilst it was expected, the way it happened was not. Dad cried for all of a couple of minutes. I took the dog for a walk. I didn't cry, but I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
Tell her not to get cut up about not crying, and remember the good times. Things will get easier with time.
And as said above, let it be her decision whether she goes to see the counselor or not.
My Grandma died a few years ago. Not entirely unexpected, she had a cancer. But it was a stroke that got her in the end, so whilst it was expected, the way it happened was not. Dad cried for all of a couple of minutes. I took the dog for a walk. I didn't cry, but I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
Tell her not to get cut up about not crying, and remember the good times. Things will get easier with time.
And as said above, let it be her decision whether she goes to see the counselor or not.
Counselling only works IF the person having it wants it
It does work.
It works brilliantly
Some people need a handful of sessions and move on - other need months - others need years and then, there are those who have a session over a year or so and then go back a few years later.
A counsellor will not tell you what you should do
They give you the tools for you to do what is needed.
It is perfectly natural to be all over the place and there is no timetable for anyone to be 'over' such a mental shock.
I hope your friend choses counselling as i believe it would help her greatly.
Sometimes, people don't go when the initial shock hits but go later.
Everyone is different.
They may even suggest meds to help her sleep.
This works short term
It allows the body to keep strong when the head is all over the shop.
As someone has already said, time is great healer.
Mind, i recall someone saying that to me when i was in one hell of a dark place. It was one of the phrases that did nothing for me at the time.
Friends and family to support - and allow her to cry.
I hate it when people say "There there, don't cry".
I wish your friend all the best for the future.
It does work.
It works brilliantly
Some people need a handful of sessions and move on - other need months - others need years and then, there are those who have a session over a year or so and then go back a few years later.
A counsellor will not tell you what you should do
They give you the tools for you to do what is needed.
It is perfectly natural to be all over the place and there is no timetable for anyone to be 'over' such a mental shock.
I hope your friend choses counselling as i believe it would help her greatly.
Sometimes, people don't go when the initial shock hits but go later.
Everyone is different.
They may even suggest meds to help her sleep.
This works short term
It allows the body to keep strong when the head is all over the shop.
As someone has already said, time is great healer.
Mind, i recall someone saying that to me when i was in one hell of a dark place. It was one of the phrases that did nothing for me at the time.
Friends and family to support - and allow her to cry.
I hate it when people say "There there, don't cry".
I wish your friend all the best for the future.
Thanks folks some useful info there. Just to clarify, this isn't a case where I'm saying "don't go" as frankly that's not my place, but I'm the sort who is a little suspicious/wary of that kind of thing and so is my friend, AIUI at the moment she's been put in touch with them but has yet to do anything about it.
There is no harm in going to see someone impartial and separate from family and friends.
More than anything else it offers a space to talk about what has happened and an opportunity to process thoughts, feelings and ideas to someone who does not know your history or has the same involvement as family and friends.
Grief and bereavement of someone close is a very personal and at times both a public and very private process. Time does not heal, nor make it 'better'. All it does is give us the space and the moments to try and put things into a perspective that we can at first tollerate, then learn to live with. Councelling can help with the different thoughts and feelings experienced along that journey.
The shock of a sudden death can be just that... a deep and profound shock that can leave the person utterly dumfounded at their behaviours and reactions. It can seem most surreal until the mind begins to comprehend the enorminity of it all.
More than anything else it offers a space to talk about what has happened and an opportunity to process thoughts, feelings and ideas to someone who does not know your history or has the same involvement as family and friends.
Grief and bereavement of someone close is a very personal and at times both a public and very private process. Time does not heal, nor make it 'better'. All it does is give us the space and the moments to try and put things into a perspective that we can at first tollerate, then learn to live with. Councelling can help with the different thoughts and feelings experienced along that journey.
The shock of a sudden death can be just that... a deep and profound shock that can leave the person utterly dumfounded at their behaviours and reactions. It can seem most surreal until the mind begins to comprehend the enorminity of it all.
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