Parking permit renewal letter.
Discussion
My local council divvies will not accept that I only own one car. Therefore, each time the permit renewal comes around, I get a letter demanding twice the payment I should be making. This year, they're getting a letter back.
Dear Sir,
I note your recent correspondence inviting me to renew my parking permit. I also note the caveat scribbled in biro on the standard letter asserting that my renewal is for a 2nd vehicle registration : XXXXXX. I confess I am at risk of slipping into the realms of sarcasm because in spite of several conversations in person with your staff at the parking shop, I have been unable for two whole years now to convince your august organisation that I do not in fact possess two motor vehicles.
I wish that I did, how pleasant life would be to have to make such a decision each morning, but alas, I must make do with but the one conveyance to transport me to work and back each day in order that I may earn the pittance which in part I pass to you in £40 chunks annually for a permit to keep the wardens at bay for a phantom car I do not actually own.
So, moving swiftly on from such wishful musings, I am putting pen to paper or at least weary, careworn finger to keyboard in this modern way of doing things to make you, in the words of the great Theo Paphitis, an offer and my offer is this: I am prepared to abide by the rules you set out in your kind invitation and as such enclose a cheque in the princely sum of twenty pounds for the privilege of parking vaguely near my house for the next twelve months. However, I do not accept that my hard earned twenty pounds should be exchanged for a six month permit as I do not – and I cannot emphasise this highly enough – own two bleeding cars!
Therefore, please send me by return a twelve month permit else return my cheque to me uncashed. However, should you choose the latter course of action, I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever pay any fines for parking incurred as a result of not holding the said permit until the matter reaches such a crescendo as I imagine a day in court represents when I may finally be granted an opportunity before the magistrate and I imagine her majesty’s local gutter press, The One Show, Anne Robinson - who knows? to throw a little sunlight on this tedious affair.
Let me put it this way: Your sodding records are wrong! Wrong I tell you & they have been wrong for years. You have overcharged me for two straight years now & I wouldn’t mind a few quid of that back. To paraphrase Howard Beale in the 1976 classic film Network, I’m as mad as hell & I ain’t gonna take it anymore!
I would cordially invite you to perform a surreptitious check up on me with DVLA. I appreciate this is a blindingly obvious course of action, yet it appears to be wholly beyond any form of reasoning I have yet encountered in my otherwise very civilised & highly enjoyable dealings with the hard pressed yet unfailingly courteous staff at the parking shop. I do hope you feel that on ploughing through this mildest of rants, I have reciprocated that courtesy. Getting angry gets us nowhere after all. However, one final plea: Please, for the love of God, Mary, Joseph & the baby Jesus & all that is holy, pull your fingers out & get this minor, inconsequential, easily remedied task right. Is that too much to ask?
Yours in good humour & everlasting hope,
Justin Cyder.
Dear Sir,
I note your recent correspondence inviting me to renew my parking permit. I also note the caveat scribbled in biro on the standard letter asserting that my renewal is for a 2nd vehicle registration : XXXXXX. I confess I am at risk of slipping into the realms of sarcasm because in spite of several conversations in person with your staff at the parking shop, I have been unable for two whole years now to convince your august organisation that I do not in fact possess two motor vehicles.
I wish that I did, how pleasant life would be to have to make such a decision each morning, but alas, I must make do with but the one conveyance to transport me to work and back each day in order that I may earn the pittance which in part I pass to you in £40 chunks annually for a permit to keep the wardens at bay for a phantom car I do not actually own.
So, moving swiftly on from such wishful musings, I am putting pen to paper or at least weary, careworn finger to keyboard in this modern way of doing things to make you, in the words of the great Theo Paphitis, an offer and my offer is this: I am prepared to abide by the rules you set out in your kind invitation and as such enclose a cheque in the princely sum of twenty pounds for the privilege of parking vaguely near my house for the next twelve months. However, I do not accept that my hard earned twenty pounds should be exchanged for a six month permit as I do not – and I cannot emphasise this highly enough – own two bleeding cars!
Therefore, please send me by return a twelve month permit else return my cheque to me uncashed. However, should you choose the latter course of action, I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever pay any fines for parking incurred as a result of not holding the said permit until the matter reaches such a crescendo as I imagine a day in court represents when I may finally be granted an opportunity before the magistrate and I imagine her majesty’s local gutter press, The One Show, Anne Robinson - who knows? to throw a little sunlight on this tedious affair.
Let me put it this way: Your sodding records are wrong! Wrong I tell you & they have been wrong for years. You have overcharged me for two straight years now & I wouldn’t mind a few quid of that back. To paraphrase Howard Beale in the 1976 classic film Network, I’m as mad as hell & I ain’t gonna take it anymore!
I would cordially invite you to perform a surreptitious check up on me with DVLA. I appreciate this is a blindingly obvious course of action, yet it appears to be wholly beyond any form of reasoning I have yet encountered in my otherwise very civilised & highly enjoyable dealings with the hard pressed yet unfailingly courteous staff at the parking shop. I do hope you feel that on ploughing through this mildest of rants, I have reciprocated that courtesy. Getting angry gets us nowhere after all. However, one final plea: Please, for the love of God, Mary, Joseph & the baby Jesus & all that is holy, pull your fingers out & get this minor, inconsequential, easily remedied task right. Is that too much to ask?
Yours in good humour & everlasting hope,
Justin Cyder.
The Nur said:
It will never work. The retard that opens it will not even get past the first paragraph, your cheque will be cashed and you probably won't even receive a parking permit.
Or a slightly more intelligent retard will read it all the way through, cast the £40 and deliberately leave the mistake in the system. 
k 'em. Let's have the fight.
send it, let us know what happens.
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