Step parents . . . recognise this ?
Discussion
My fiancée has three children who are on the whole great and we get along very well. Recently I bought a new TV and blu-ray player with some glasses and a bundle of films for them to watch. I just thought they'd like them and two of them do and think it's great but the other one, a boy 9 years old, launched into a tirade of abuse about the TV saying it's rubbish, the worst TV around etc. He's kept this up for a couple of weeks now. (It's not relevant I don't think but the TV is a top of the range Samsung LED 3D unit with a Panasonic 3D blu-ray player with built in WiFi etc so they are good consumer units like many people have in their homes, not second hand or in any way inferior to the things their friends might have.)
The odd thing is that it's the boy I get along best with, he treats me like a Dad but it's him who has reacted so badly to the TV. It started up again last weekend when I bought him some football boots that his Dad had promised him but not delivered on.
Him mum and I are wondering if it's divided loyalty which is making him like this, feeling obliged to like his Dad but finding it difficult because his Dad clearly doesn't think of him as much as I do. Would that cause him a conflict ? I had a very good upbringing with a loving Dad so I have trouble imagining what children might feel in this situation.
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
The odd thing is that it's the boy I get along best with, he treats me like a Dad but it's him who has reacted so badly to the TV. It started up again last weekend when I bought him some football boots that his Dad had promised him but not delivered on.
Him mum and I are wondering if it's divided loyalty which is making him like this, feeling obliged to like his Dad but finding it difficult because his Dad clearly doesn't think of him as much as I do. Would that cause him a conflict ? I had a very good upbringing with a loving Dad so I have trouble imagining what children might feel in this situation.
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
George111 said:
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
Perhaps she likes the time she does spend with him? You would define it as untrue but perhaps she genuinely likes being with him and the times he is there outweigh the times they spend on their own. Maybe they like the freedom on their own?George111 said:
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
Aren't you over-reacting a little? Unless this is two of a string of issues?Muzzer79 said:
George111 said:
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
Perhaps she likes the time she does spend with him? You would define it as untrue but perhaps she genuinely likes being with him and the times he is there outweigh the times they spend on their own. Maybe they like the freedom on their own?George111 said:
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
Aren't you over-reacting a little? Unless this is two of a string of issues?I don't think it's over reacting at all - there's something troubling him and for him to lay in bed for an hour shouting about how rubbish something is means there is something wrong, it's not normal behaviour. If there's nothing I can do then fine, at least I'll know I've made an effort.
Are you a step parent ? Can you offer any advice ?
George111 said:
Are you a step parent ? Can you offer any advice ?
It's a tough, thankless job mate. I was step parent to a boy from the ages of 5 to 11 until his mum did a runner.I am now on the way to being step dad to an 8yo
Both of them have dads who are hopeless cases but are loyal to them. The first one is now eighteen and has very little to do with his dad. The young one is just starting to question why daddy does so much with his 5 half brothers but they never do anything when he is there. He has never even been to watch him play rugby whereas mum goes every week and I go whenever I am abole
Buying the football boots that his dad promised may be a small clue!
Other than that who knows how their minds work
George111 said:
When she talks to her mum she lets slip the truth and the other two tell the truth . .. they do very little and are bored stupid most of the time. What he does with them is his business but if the comparison between us is causing a problem then I'd like to know how we can improve the situation.
Well unless you talk to him about it you can't. Can you?George111 said:
I don't think it's over reacting at all - there's something troubling him and for him to lay in bed for an hour shouting about how rubbish something is means there is something wrong, it's not normal behaviour. If there's nothing I can do then fine, at least I'll know I've made an effort.
Are you a step parent ? Can you offer any advice ?
Sounds like normal kid behavior to be honest!Are you a step parent ? Can you offer any advice ?
George111 said:
It started up again last weekend when I bought him some football boots that his Dad had promised him but not delivered on.
............... I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad.
Sounds like you're trying to be better. Noble instinct but possibly an unhelpful pattern to get into................ I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad.
I wonder whether Dad has been slagging off the TV and blu ray (sour grapes) and boy is parroting him.
I don't know if you've got any of your own but they can be as unforgiving and ungrateful.
Should have got a Panny Telly as well as the blue-ray. 
Just to add that my boys really like their mum's boyfriend but they are young and find going round there all exciting. I have a 13 year old daughter who is really rude to him through a sort of loyalty to me.
Mind you she can be pretty rude to me as well
Just sharing mate. It's a bloody minefield
Just to add that my boys really like their mum's boyfriend but they are young and find going round there all exciting. I have a 13 year old daughter who is really rude to him through a sort of loyalty to me.
Mind you she can be pretty rude to me as well
Just sharing mate. It's a bloody minefield
Edited by croyde on Tuesday 16th October 21:25
I feel your pain.I have been a stepdad for 19 years now ,they always throw the "you're not my dad" card ,even now at 23 he still does it.
At the end of the day you can't take the place of the real dad and sit on the side lines as this effects every day family life.
I think it can be a tall order to take on someone elses children when they don't like you ,it puts pressure on the adults.
I ,like you ,give my s/s things his real dad doesn't ,though I also have my own son the same age so its share and share alike.
Any way he's only 7 so time will tell, good luck.
At the end of the day you can't take the place of the real dad and sit on the side lines as this effects every day family life.
I think it can be a tall order to take on someone elses children when they don't like you ,it puts pressure on the adults.
I ,like you ,give my s/s things his real dad doesn't ,though I also have my own son the same age so its share and share alike.
Any way he's only 7 so time will tell, good luck.
Another serious reply coming.
Remember you are dealing with developing kids. If they were your own in a stable relationship, there would be problems & issues. When you are the outsider there will simply be more issues,more confusion in their youg minds. The relationship will always be tricky, but you don't need to call in counselling, just use some good common sense.
Remember you are dealing with developing kids. If they were your own in a stable relationship, there would be problems & issues. When you are the outsider there will simply be more issues,more confusion in their youg minds. The relationship will always be tricky, but you don't need to call in counselling, just use some good common sense.
I have two step daughters, the eldest being 8 years old. All children of that age have an unreasonable side to them regardless of blood lines, my advice would be to bite your tongue and ignore him it's just hot air!
If they have a relationship with their father they will always favour him over you, my two have now lived me me longer than they ever did him the youngest takes it all in her stride, but 8 year old occasionally compares us... I just let them get on with it, the simple fact is daddy lives in a rented 2 bedroom house, his million mile Alfa 157 is not a sports car and his monthly contributions don't pay for the family holidays, dancing and swimming classes you enjoy so much!
They'll turn 18 and I am sure the love for there father will be stronger than ever, but equally they will know I was the person that supported them throughout their lives and will continue to do so. Thankless job pal... Get used to it
If they have a relationship with their father they will always favour him over you, my two have now lived me me longer than they ever did him the youngest takes it all in her stride, but 8 year old occasionally compares us... I just let them get on with it, the simple fact is daddy lives in a rented 2 bedroom house, his million mile Alfa 157 is not a sports car and his monthly contributions don't pay for the family holidays, dancing and swimming classes you enjoy so much!
They'll turn 18 and I am sure the love for there father will be stronger than ever, but equally they will know I was the person that supported them throughout their lives and will continue to do so. Thankless job pal... Get used to it
George111 said:
My fiancée has three children who are on the whole great and we get along very well. Recently I bought a new TV and blu-ray player with some glasses and a bundle of films for them to watch. I just thought they'd like them and two of them do and think it's great but the other one, a boy 9 years old, launched into a tirade of abuse about the TV saying it's rubbish, the worst TV around etc. He's kept this up for a couple of weeks now. (It's not relevant I don't think but the TV is a top of the range Samsung LED 3D unit with a Panasonic 3D blu-ray player with built in WiFi etc so they are good consumer units like many people have in their homes, not second hand or in any way inferior to the things their friends might have.)
The odd thing is that it's the boy I get along best with, he treats me like a Dad but it's him who has reacted so badly to the TV. It started up again last weekend when I bought him some football boots that his Dad had promised him but not delivered on.
Him mum and I are wondering if it's divided loyalty which is making him like this, feeling obliged to like his Dad but finding it difficult because his Dad clearly doesn't think of him as much as I do. Would that cause him a conflict ? I had a very good upbringing with a loving Dad so I have trouble imagining what children might feel in this situation.
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
My advice would be to let them get on with it! Love is blind and at that age their loyalty to their dad is likely down to sympathy for him. you will not be able to "win" this battle as they will see you as the interloper possible stopping their parents reuniting (every child with divorced parents would like to see their parents back together!)The odd thing is that it's the boy I get along best with, he treats me like a Dad but it's him who has reacted so badly to the TV. It started up again last weekend when I bought him some football boots that his Dad had promised him but not delivered on.
Him mum and I are wondering if it's divided loyalty which is making him like this, feeling obliged to like his Dad but finding it difficult because his Dad clearly doesn't think of him as much as I do. Would that cause him a conflict ? I had a very good upbringing with a loving Dad so I have trouble imagining what children might feel in this situation.
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
The will remmeber the past when their parents were together with rose tinted specs, and now will see their dad as the underdog (likely perpetuated by his "woe is me" stories) and the parent who is suffering. They may not know all the details of the split and if they do will overlook their dads role.
The best thing to do is try not to put their dad down, and play the long game which is much more difficult than you may imagine! They will eventually see him for what he is and realise that you are the positive influence, or at least that you are good for their mum and she is now happier than she was. This may not be until they are adults however!
This is in my experience from my parents divorcing and from being a step father for nearly ten years.
This may be a slightly different view to most, maybe lay off the spending on him and the others, leave any treat buying to their mum, even if it is your money. I suspect it will ease their sense of loyalty. Anything they need help with, homework, fixing toys etc carry on. This was the approach my step dad seemed to take with me. I'm 26 now and he's always helping me out, fixing up my house I'm doing up, tiled the floor in the kitchen for me! I appreciate what he's done and taught me, a lot.
My dad however has done little for me since i was 6 when they split and rarely makes the effort and is more interested in his step grand children and other much older step children than me!
My dad however has done little for me since i was 6 when they split and rarely makes the effort and is more interested in his step grand children and other much older step children than me!
Not particularly helpful, but even abused kids can have an unbreakable bond with parents, so its not surprising they are 'confused'. Maybe they resent 'new dad' being able to give them things 'old dad' can't and see you as trying to 'buy' them, perhaps if the liitle boy says he likes the TV he feels he is betraying his real dad.
Just keep calm and recognise that the kids have their feelings however 'irrational' they may be and this will never probably change.
Just be constant and consistent, maybe include them in decisions. e.g. in the footy boots situation, ask him if he wanted you to buy some, and give him the chance to say no.
Just keep calm and recognise that the kids have their feelings however 'irrational' they may be and this will never probably change.
Just be constant and consistent, maybe include them in decisions. e.g. in the footy boots situation, ask him if he wanted you to buy some, and give him the chance to say no.
Edited by sparkyhx on Wednesday 17th October 14:52
George111 said:
Muzzer79 said:
George111 said:
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms, which is untrue, he leaves them alone and goes to work and they have to fend for themselves so she's inventing for me an image which she knows isn't true.
Perhaps she likes the time she does spend with him? You would define it as untrue but perhaps she genuinely likes being with him and the times he is there outweigh the times they spend on their own. Maybe they like the freedom on their own?George111 said:
If anybody else has had similar problems I'd be interested to know how you resolved it, if you did. I'm considering consulting a family councillor or expert (no idea what they person might be) in order to get some insight.
Aren't you over-reacting a little? Unless this is two of a string of issues?I don't think it's over reacting at all - there's something troubling him and for him to lay in bed for an hour shouting about how rubbish something is means there is something wrong, it's not normal behaviour. If there's nothing I can do then fine, at least I'll know I've made an effort.
Are you a step parent ? Can you offer any advice ?
Regarding the TV thing, if he perseveres then talk to him but unless it's one of many seemingly random things he's ranted about I wouldn't pay too much attention tbh.
Regarding the time they spend with their Dad, as others have said, a step-parent is a thankless job. Children (teenagers) are ungrateful creatures at the best of times but the reality of someone providing to them who isn't even related to them just isn't comprehended.
I think back to how we were with my step-dad and am a little ashamed sometimes. I never trotted out the "You're not my Dad" line but as a child you don't necessarily appreciate someone teaching you good values, providing stuff, etc.
FWIW my Dad, on paper, could be not much fun. We had weekends where he spent all the time gardening leaving us to watch TransWorld Sport on a Sunday. Did I enjoy those weekends? In hindsight not really, but at the time you focus on the positive - spending time with your Dad who is not around in the week anymore. Would I have gone home and complained or said what it was like? Hell no - that would be like admitting your Dad is imperfect which, unless a parent does something really bad, a child will hardly ever do.
Thanks for all the comments, very much appreciated. Reassuring to know that other people have had similar issues and it's not just me. Glad I'm not doing anything wrong and causing it apart from being
I don't criticise their Dad, learnt very early on that that will never work, no matter what he's done - and he's done some horrible things.
I don't criticise their Dad, learnt very early on that that will never work, no matter what he's done - and he's done some horrible things.
Your right to not to criticise, I just smile and play nicely when their father stops by... In his defence he's become a better father to them in the last couple of years than he ever was. At a guess he stopped taking them for granted, and saw another father figure spending at least 6 days a week with his children it put things in perspective.
Much of what your describe will have very little to do with your relationship as a step-father, he's at that age when they all seem to be impossible to deal with, for all you know he's just as awkward around his father! They test boundaries and I'd bet most weekend parents are much easier going than the primary guardians who have to deal with the fallout. In any case, welcome to the club! 10 more years of it to endure before your likely to recieve any thanks.
Much of what your describe will have very little to do with your relationship as a step-father, he's at that age when they all seem to be impossible to deal with, for all you know he's just as awkward around his father! They test boundaries and I'd bet most weekend parents are much easier going than the primary guardians who have to deal with the fallout. In any case, welcome to the club! 10 more years of it to endure before your likely to recieve any thanks.
Sowler said:
This may be a slightly different view to most, maybe lay off the spending on him and the others, leave any treat buying to their mum, even if it is your money. I suspect it will ease their sense of loyalty. Anything they need help with, homework, fixing toys etc carry on. This was the approach my step dad seemed to take with me. I'm 26 now and he's always helping me out, fixing up my house I'm doing up, tiled the floor in the kitchen for me! I appreciate what he's done and taught me, a lot.
I'd say that is terrific advice.George111 said:
One of his sisters often says "You're not our Dad" to which I always reply that of course I'm not and I'm not trying to be your Dad. She also often says how much fun they have with their Dad when they go there for half terms.....
I'd probably snap something nasty such as 'Well, where is your dad then?"I never was any good at dealing with other peoples children.
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