Aspergers and unrequited love
Discussion
Here's one to ponder. Before we start, the answer does not involve violence, retribution, or being harder-than-Tyson-whilst- behind-a keyboard, thanks.
MrsC is a youthful (I would say very attractive
) 42 year old, who works in an office where many of her colleagues are younger, in their 20s. One of the men/boys there in that younger age group apparently suffers from Aspergers. For a good few weeks now he has been repeatedly asking MrsC to go to lunch with him, and whilst occasionally she sits in the staff restaurant with him, if she says she's got other plans (e.g. "I need to go to the supermarket") he just tags along. Won't leave her alone basically. I've been laughing at/with her about it saying he clearly fancies her, but it has all just been a bit of a joke for me and a slight irritation for her.
Until today. That most romantic of days. He's probably been building up to this for ages.
Aspergers Boy walks up to my wife, sat at her desk, and in front of the whole office he presents her with a bloody valentines card. She tried to laugh it off, her colleagues fell about laughing, but AB apparently made it clear that this was no joke. I guess in his condition he can't see why or how that was inappropriate.
Personally I think it's (a) a little sad, and (b) not without it's humourous angle. But MrsC is mortified.
So, suggestions please as to what, if any at all, action is appropriate. My immediate thoughts are that MrsC should just advise HR, not in any formal manner, but so that they are aware. Probably she needs to be less tolerant of him with all the following her around at lunch stuff. We've no experience of this condition so unsure what's appropriate and what works/doesn't work.
MrsC is a youthful (I would say very attractive
) 42 year old, who works in an office where many of her colleagues are younger, in their 20s. One of the men/boys there in that younger age group apparently suffers from Aspergers. For a good few weeks now he has been repeatedly asking MrsC to go to lunch with him, and whilst occasionally she sits in the staff restaurant with him, if she says she's got other plans (e.g. "I need to go to the supermarket") he just tags along. Won't leave her alone basically. I've been laughing at/with her about it saying he clearly fancies her, but it has all just been a bit of a joke for me and a slight irritation for her.Until today. That most romantic of days. He's probably been building up to this for ages.
Aspergers Boy walks up to my wife, sat at her desk, and in front of the whole office he presents her with a bloody valentines card. She tried to laugh it off, her colleagues fell about laughing, but AB apparently made it clear that this was no joke. I guess in his condition he can't see why or how that was inappropriate.
Personally I think it's (a) a little sad, and (b) not without it's humourous angle. But MrsC is mortified.
So, suggestions please as to what, if any at all, action is appropriate. My immediate thoughts are that MrsC should just advise HR, not in any formal manner, but so that they are aware. Probably she needs to be less tolerant of him with all the following her around at lunch stuff. We've no experience of this condition so unsure what's appropriate and what works/doesn't work.
I dont think aspergers sufferers are thick. They just dont pick up on emotional signals.
So whilst your wife looks mortified and awkward/embarrassed - he doesnt see that at all.
Pretty sure she can simply tell him straight that she isn't interested and he will back off, perhaps commiting suicide.
You definitely cant tell them with body language though as it is just not readable for them.
So whilst your wife looks mortified and awkward/embarrassed - he doesnt see that at all.
Pretty sure she can simply tell him straight that she isn't interested and he will back off, perhaps commiting suicide.
You definitely cant tell them with body language though as it is just not readable for them.
Tell her to suggestively ask him to meet her in the stationery cupboard, naked. Then get the entire office to stand around the door when she opens it. They'll laugh and laugh.
Those mental types love being mocked and embarrassed and he'll probably hold his hands up and say with a guffaw "OK, OK, I get it, you're not interested. You guys! What am I like!".
I doubt very much that it'll result in him violently murdering her in a fit of retribution.
Those mental types love being mocked and embarrassed and he'll probably hold his hands up and say with a guffaw "OK, OK, I get it, you're not interested. You guys! What am I like!".
I doubt very much that it'll result in him violently murdering her in a fit of retribution.
I’m not sure if this’ll be any help, but here you go anyway.
A good friend of mine is in a relationship with an guy who has quite severe Aspergers. She always encourages people to be as direct as possible with her boyfriend, because he’s not good at metaphor, comparison, or generally working out anything to do with emotions. Basically he lacks empathy and even if you explain your feelings to him he won’t necessarily ‘get it’—because feelings are not concrete facts and thus he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t deal well with things he doesn’t understand and basically ignores them. This leads to all sorts of bother.
When I say ‘feelings’ I don’t just mean big obvious things like being in love and so on. Concepts like personal preference, boredom, excitement, happiness … someone liking a blue chair more than a red one would confuse him, for example. Why don’t you make a logical decision based on which chair is empirically better?
So the advice is to explain things through facts, wherever you can—instead of awkwardly accepting a Valentine’s card and being sympathetic, clearly say “I can’t accept this from you because I’m in a relationship with someone else.” And actually physically give it back. That sort of thing, anyway.
A good friend of mine is in a relationship with an guy who has quite severe Aspergers. She always encourages people to be as direct as possible with her boyfriend, because he’s not good at metaphor, comparison, or generally working out anything to do with emotions. Basically he lacks empathy and even if you explain your feelings to him he won’t necessarily ‘get it’—because feelings are not concrete facts and thus he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t deal well with things he doesn’t understand and basically ignores them. This leads to all sorts of bother.
When I say ‘feelings’ I don’t just mean big obvious things like being in love and so on. Concepts like personal preference, boredom, excitement, happiness … someone liking a blue chair more than a red one would confuse him, for example. Why don’t you make a logical decision based on which chair is empirically better?
So the advice is to explain things through facts, wherever you can—instead of awkwardly accepting a Valentine’s card and being sympathetic, clearly say “I can’t accept this from you because I’m in a relationship with someone else.” And actually physically give it back. That sort of thing, anyway.
blindswelledrat said:
I dont think aspergers sufferers are thick. They just dont pick up on emotional signals.
I think, more accurately, they don't pick up on subtle signals.Therefore I suggest mime as the answer. Try this;
Point at him
Point at herself
Encircle the index finger and thumb on the left hand
Repeatedly poke the right index finger in-and-out of said circle
An inch from his face, wag her right index finger whilst shaking her head.
I work with a person with Aspergers, and they can be a huge challenge. You need to be very very to the point and hard with him, or he'll just keep on doing it. Get a meeting with HR/wife/him and get it settled then and there, in writing too.
Also, they really are not stupid, so dont let him play it up.
Also, they really are not stupid, so dont let him play it up.
Landlord said:
blindswelledrat said:
I dont think aspergers sufferers are thick. They just dont pick up on emotional signals.
I think, more accurately, they don't pick up on subtle signals.Therefore I suggest mime as the answer. Try this;
Point at him
Point at herself
Encircle the index finger and thumb on the left hand
Repeatedly poke the right index finger in-and-out of said circle
An inch from his face, wag her right index finger whilst shaking her head.
poprock said:
clearly say “I can’t accept this from you because I’m in a relationship with someone else.” And actually physically give it back.
She should do this, at the end of the day.If it were me (and a woman with asparagus syndrome), so as not to break hearts, Id buy her a "Friendship only" card, with a heart warming nice note inside that also makes it clear as a bell, friendship only.
Then Id get some CGI guys to make a video of me with another girl who got the wrong idea, and I chuck the girl out of a helicopter into a river of molten lava to emphasise the point.
Aspergers is a bugger of a thing to deal with. As an earlier comment, they just don't get what you would consider normal humour, metaphors, emotions, sarcasm, subtle hints: none of it makes any sense whatsoever to them. To them its all logic and facts (certainly with high-functioning Aspergers, which we're assuming this is).
So you have to be blunt, almost to the point of being rude. Give the card back. Tell him to go away, tell him she cant be friends with him. Let HR know that this is happening as well.
Its not fun, but its the only way to effectively get the message across.
So you have to be blunt, almost to the point of being rude. Give the card back. Tell him to go away, tell him she cant be friends with him. Let HR know that this is happening as well.
Its not fun, but its the only way to effectively get the message across.
Oh man-up MrC FFS! Clearly this is an issue to more than just MrsC or you wouldn't be posting.
Get her to meet up with him on a evening date, you turn up as well, and order him to stay away from your Mrs or you'll sort up out good and hard like nature designs like. The you take his seat and proceed with the meal with MrsC.
Proceed with sexual harrassment otherwise. It could be worth a few grand.
Get her to meet up with him on a evening date, you turn up as well, and order him to stay away from your Mrs or you'll sort up out good and hard like nature designs like. The you take his seat and proceed with the meal with MrsC.
Proceed with sexual harrassment otherwise. It could be worth a few grand.
mondeoman said:
Aspergers is a bugger of a thing to deal with. As an earlier comment, they just don't get what you would consider normal humour, metaphors, emotions, sarcasm, subtle hints: none of it makes any sense whatsoever to them. To them its all logic and facts (certainly with high-functioning Aspergers, which we're assuming this is).
So you have to be blunt, almost to the point of being rude. Give the card back. Tell him to go away, tell him she cant be friends with him. Let HR know that this is happening as well.
Its not fun, but its the only way to effectively get the message across.
This is as close as anyone on this thread has got.So you have to be blunt, almost to the point of being rude. Give the card back. Tell him to go away, tell him she cant be friends with him. Let HR know that this is happening as well.
Its not fun, but its the only way to effectively get the message across.
First off, by definition, people with Asperger's are of at least normal intelligence.
As with virtually any condition that affects the mind, there is a range of symptoms and a range of severity, such that no two people with the same condition will have exactly the same symptoms to exactly the same severity.
Generally though, people with Asperger's will miss all the subtleties of social interactions; humour, emotions, body language and will tend to take things very literally.
The wife should do the following;
1) Thank him for the card
2) Tell him that she cannot keep the card because she is married and loves her husband.
3) Explain that the card was embarrassing (Depending on the severity of Asperger's he may or may not have realised this) and that he shouldn't get her any more cards, gifts. say that her husband wouldnt like it.
4) tell him that they can be friendly at work (like everyone in the office is) but no more than that and be specific that he shouldn't follow her to shops etc.
ked up previously.poprock said:
I’m not sure if this’ll be any help, but here you go anyway.
A good friend of mine is in a relationship with an guy who has quite severe Aspergers. She always encourages people to be as direct as possible with her boyfriend, because he’s not good at metaphor, comparison, or generally working out anything to do with emotions. Basically he lacks empathy and even if you explain your feelings to him he won’t necessarily ‘get it’—because feelings are not concrete facts and thus he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t deal well with things he doesn’t understand and basically ignores them. This leads to all sorts of bother.
When I say ‘feelings’ I don’t just mean big obvious things like being in love and so on. Concepts like personal preference, boredom, excitement, happiness … someone liking a blue chair more than a red one would confuse him, for example. Why don’t you make a logical decision based on which chair is empirically better?
So the advice is to explain things through facts, wherever you can—instead of awkwardly accepting a Valentine’s card and being sympathetic, clearly say “I can’t accept this from you because I’m in a relationship with someone else.” And actually physically give it back. That sort of thing, anyway.
Speaking as somebody with a touch of the aspergers this is pretty much spot on. Although I do understand that some people may like the blue chair more - it makes no sense to me but I can accept it does to them - I decided green would be my favourite colour, mainly because people expect an answer, and it's quicker then explaining the all colours are just arbitrary sections of a continuous slice of the electro-magnetic spectrum and that what you see as blue isn't the same as what I see as blue. Besides, green is pretty.A good friend of mine is in a relationship with an guy who has quite severe Aspergers. She always encourages people to be as direct as possible with her boyfriend, because he’s not good at metaphor, comparison, or generally working out anything to do with emotions. Basically he lacks empathy and even if you explain your feelings to him he won’t necessarily ‘get it’—because feelings are not concrete facts and thus he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t deal well with things he doesn’t understand and basically ignores them. This leads to all sorts of bother.
When I say ‘feelings’ I don’t just mean big obvious things like being in love and so on. Concepts like personal preference, boredom, excitement, happiness … someone liking a blue chair more than a red one would confuse him, for example. Why don’t you make a logical decision based on which chair is empirically better?
So the advice is to explain things through facts, wherever you can—instead of awkwardly accepting a Valentine’s card and being sympathetic, clearly say “I can’t accept this from you because I’m in a relationship with someone else.” And actually physically give it back. That sort of thing, anyway.
mondeoman said:
...they just don't get what you would consider normal humour, metaphors, emotions, sarcasm, subtle hints...
Rather depends on the case - autism/aspergers is very 'wide spectrum' - for example I get humour perfectly well, it's very open to analysis and calculation - there are concrete reasons why something is funny.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff