What Jeremy Clarkson thought about my job...
Discussion
JC recently came on board my ship HMS Westminter to film a documentary. I met him very briefly as he was busy filming but he seemed like a top bloke. Today i came across his article wirtten in the Sunday times. It's always nice to be appreciated!
Hello, sailor. Show me what Britain is really made of
Jeremy Clarkson Published: 17 February 2013
As we know, everything run by the dull, penny-pinching hand of government is a bit rubbish. Walk through Heathrow and when you get to the customs hall, all the equipment is scuffed and the tables are held together with duct tape.
In a hospital the front-of-house staff may be cheery and the shop may sell all kinds of succulent-looking fruit but peep into the spaces where the public are not allowed and it’s like peering into Eeyore’s Gloomy Place. It’s like nobody cares. And that’s the trouble, really. Nobody does.
It’s the same story with the police. Elsewhere in the world, they get snazzy costumes, flash cars and cool sunglasses. Here they rock up in a Vauxhall Astra, sporting a pair of trousers that have plainly been designed to fit someone else.
You just know that if the government had built the Shard it would have been quite a lot shorter and that the lifts wouldn’t work. The government doesn’t do fabulous. It does woeful. A point that was well made by the Royal Navy Lynx helicopter that recently came to pick me up in Stavanger in Norway.
To keep this ancient design even vaguely relevant, it has been retro-fitted with all sorts of radar equipment so now it looks like it’s caught a terrible warty skin disease. But it took off, nevertheless, and half an hour later deposited me on the navy frigate HMS Westminster.
It’s a little bit shorter than Roman Abramovich’s latest yacht. And cost slightly less to build. And from the outside, it’s not hard to see why. There’s a bucket for fag ends, and a principal armament of just one 4Åin artillery piece. Or as a Second World War admiral would say, “one peashooter”.
There are, however, several health and safety notices advising crew members on how not to get hurt. Which seemed to be a bit incongruous on a warship. But this is a government vessel. So what do you expect? Four functioning diesels, perhaps? Nope. Sorry. One of them was broken. Oh, and the previous evening it had sprung a leak. It might as well have been called HMS Vulnerable.
It’s a smorgasbord of guided ordnance designed to make Johnny Baddie have a surprisingly bad day You could say that of the whole service because, if you exclude training vessels, the minesweepers, and various other odds and sods, the number of Royal Navy frontline surface ships stands at 18. That’s 18 vessels — frigates and destroyers — you would recognise as a warship.
To put that in perspective, the number of surface ships sent to give the gauchos a thick ear in 1982 — and I’m not including the subs or the transporters or the service vessels, just the main warship flotilla — was 25.
At the outbreak of the Second World War the Royal Navy had 317 surface ships. At the Battle of Jutland in 1916 it lost 14 warships and 6,784 men in just one encounter. And still came home saying, “We won”.
All of which makes you think, with only 18 ships currently ready for duty, we couldn’t even defend ourselves against Belgium. Or could we? Because unlike any other government-run operation, HMS Westminster is much better than first appearances would have you believe. First of all, there’s the crew. One was just back from a spell with Nasa. Another, who had a regional accent, could mend a gas turbine with his eyelashes. Sailors? Yes. But every one who I spoke to was a top-class engineer as well.
And you should see how they operate on the bridge. Quietly. Like components in a brand-new laptop. Orders are spoken. They are repeated. Something happens. Have you ever been in a really busy restaurant in Turin? Well, this ship is the exact opposite of that.
And then you have the toys. What you can’t see from the outside is the astonishing array of missile launchers. The 4Åin gun is only there to frighten a Somalian pirate. The real hardware is the Sea Wolf and Harpoon missiles, and the torpedoes. It’s a smorgasbord of guided ordnance designed to make Johnny Baddie have a surprisingly bad day.
But they are nothing compared with what you find in the bowels of HMS Westminster. You go down and then down some more, through tiny hatches that feature standard-issue military- sharp edges, until you arrive in a below-the-water-line room that looks like an air traffic control centre. But it’s no such thing. Because it’s not designed to land planes safely. It’s designed to land them quickly and at very high speed in the sea.
Then you move into the submarine- detection area. Same deal. It’s a room built specifically to make the enemy submariner all wet and uncomfortable. And yet, like the bridge, it’s as quiet down there as a chess tournament. Even at full speed. I know this because we went there. And Holy Mother of God . . .
Have you ever rented a jet ski while on holiday? Feels fast, doesn’t it? Well, the Westminster is faster still. And then, as we approached 30 knots and we were playing Moses, the captain ordered a sharp turn to port. You’d imagine a ship this size would respond like an elderly dog. But no. One second we were heading north and then we were heading west and I was standing on the aft deck, wondering out loud how the bloody thing hadn’t capsized.
You often see books that tell a man what he must do before he dies. Well, I’ve landed on a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier and flown an F-15 and been shot at while flying over Basra but I can tell you that the No 1 must-have experience is a Type 23 frigate turning hard to port at almost 30 knots. It is absolutely hysterical.
As night began to fall, it was time to make port in Bergen. The sentries put on body armour and manned the machineguns, in case the Norwegians got any silly ideas. And we were nudged to a standstill by a local tug. When you have only 18 warships in total, you can’t risk dinging one in a parking accident.
As I disembarked, I couldn’t help turning round for one last look. It may be a government vessel in a government navy. But I can tell you this. It does something no other government operation does: it makes you achingly proud to be British.
Hello, sailor. Show me what Britain is really made of
Jeremy Clarkson Published: 17 February 2013
As we know, everything run by the dull, penny-pinching hand of government is a bit rubbish. Walk through Heathrow and when you get to the customs hall, all the equipment is scuffed and the tables are held together with duct tape.
In a hospital the front-of-house staff may be cheery and the shop may sell all kinds of succulent-looking fruit but peep into the spaces where the public are not allowed and it’s like peering into Eeyore’s Gloomy Place. It’s like nobody cares. And that’s the trouble, really. Nobody does.
It’s the same story with the police. Elsewhere in the world, they get snazzy costumes, flash cars and cool sunglasses. Here they rock up in a Vauxhall Astra, sporting a pair of trousers that have plainly been designed to fit someone else.
You just know that if the government had built the Shard it would have been quite a lot shorter and that the lifts wouldn’t work. The government doesn’t do fabulous. It does woeful. A point that was well made by the Royal Navy Lynx helicopter that recently came to pick me up in Stavanger in Norway.
To keep this ancient design even vaguely relevant, it has been retro-fitted with all sorts of radar equipment so now it looks like it’s caught a terrible warty skin disease. But it took off, nevertheless, and half an hour later deposited me on the navy frigate HMS Westminster.
It’s a little bit shorter than Roman Abramovich’s latest yacht. And cost slightly less to build. And from the outside, it’s not hard to see why. There’s a bucket for fag ends, and a principal armament of just one 4Åin artillery piece. Or as a Second World War admiral would say, “one peashooter”.
There are, however, several health and safety notices advising crew members on how not to get hurt. Which seemed to be a bit incongruous on a warship. But this is a government vessel. So what do you expect? Four functioning diesels, perhaps? Nope. Sorry. One of them was broken. Oh, and the previous evening it had sprung a leak. It might as well have been called HMS Vulnerable.
It’s a smorgasbord of guided ordnance designed to make Johnny Baddie have a surprisingly bad day You could say that of the whole service because, if you exclude training vessels, the minesweepers, and various other odds and sods, the number of Royal Navy frontline surface ships stands at 18. That’s 18 vessels — frigates and destroyers — you would recognise as a warship.
To put that in perspective, the number of surface ships sent to give the gauchos a thick ear in 1982 — and I’m not including the subs or the transporters or the service vessels, just the main warship flotilla — was 25.
At the outbreak of the Second World War the Royal Navy had 317 surface ships. At the Battle of Jutland in 1916 it lost 14 warships and 6,784 men in just one encounter. And still came home saying, “We won”.
All of which makes you think, with only 18 ships currently ready for duty, we couldn’t even defend ourselves against Belgium. Or could we? Because unlike any other government-run operation, HMS Westminster is much better than first appearances would have you believe. First of all, there’s the crew. One was just back from a spell with Nasa. Another, who had a regional accent, could mend a gas turbine with his eyelashes. Sailors? Yes. But every one who I spoke to was a top-class engineer as well.
And you should see how they operate on the bridge. Quietly. Like components in a brand-new laptop. Orders are spoken. They are repeated. Something happens. Have you ever been in a really busy restaurant in Turin? Well, this ship is the exact opposite of that.
And then you have the toys. What you can’t see from the outside is the astonishing array of missile launchers. The 4Åin gun is only there to frighten a Somalian pirate. The real hardware is the Sea Wolf and Harpoon missiles, and the torpedoes. It’s a smorgasbord of guided ordnance designed to make Johnny Baddie have a surprisingly bad day.
But they are nothing compared with what you find in the bowels of HMS Westminster. You go down and then down some more, through tiny hatches that feature standard-issue military- sharp edges, until you arrive in a below-the-water-line room that looks like an air traffic control centre. But it’s no such thing. Because it’s not designed to land planes safely. It’s designed to land them quickly and at very high speed in the sea.
Then you move into the submarine- detection area. Same deal. It’s a room built specifically to make the enemy submariner all wet and uncomfortable. And yet, like the bridge, it’s as quiet down there as a chess tournament. Even at full speed. I know this because we went there. And Holy Mother of God . . .
Have you ever rented a jet ski while on holiday? Feels fast, doesn’t it? Well, the Westminster is faster still. And then, as we approached 30 knots and we were playing Moses, the captain ordered a sharp turn to port. You’d imagine a ship this size would respond like an elderly dog. But no. One second we were heading north and then we were heading west and I was standing on the aft deck, wondering out loud how the bloody thing hadn’t capsized.
You often see books that tell a man what he must do before he dies. Well, I’ve landed on a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier and flown an F-15 and been shot at while flying over Basra but I can tell you that the No 1 must-have experience is a Type 23 frigate turning hard to port at almost 30 knots. It is absolutely hysterical.
As night began to fall, it was time to make port in Bergen. The sentries put on body armour and manned the machineguns, in case the Norwegians got any silly ideas. And we were nudged to a standstill by a local tug. When you have only 18 warships in total, you can’t risk dinging one in a parking accident.
As I disembarked, I couldn’t help turning round for one last look. It may be a government vessel in a government navy. But I can tell you this. It does something no other government operation does: it makes you achingly proud to be British.
Type 23s. The Skoda class of the Royal Navy 
. I've served on 22s/23s/CVS and a smattering of short stints on RFAs and on a cloggie ship.
I've done two deployments on two separate Type23s (both Pompey based as well). The first one was one of the best deployments I've ever had in the RN and the second was one of the worst. Both of them were in the Gulf.
I'm due to go outside in the next few months after doing 16 years. I'll miss the people but I won't miss sweating like a rapist when I'm having a dump in the aft heads in the gulf! JC does an awful lot of work on behalf of the Armed Forces and not all of it gets reported in the press. A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
. I've served on 22s/23s/CVS and a smattering of short stints on RFAs and on a cloggie ship.I've done two deployments on two separate Type23s (both Pompey based as well). The first one was one of the best deployments I've ever had in the RN and the second was one of the worst. Both of them were in the Gulf.
I'm due to go outside in the next few months after doing 16 years. I'll miss the people but I won't miss sweating like a rapist when I'm having a dump in the aft heads in the gulf! JC does an awful lot of work on behalf of the Armed Forces and not all of it gets reported in the press. A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
mybrainhurts said:
HA...good they might be
But they couldn't bring down one of these...
clicky
PS...Go, Jemmery, and watch out for this lot ----->
The Type 23 is designed to hunt and kill Submarines. That's it's primary role. It's the most advanced in the fleet and we offer training to other Navies all over the world on how to find Submarines with advanced sonar. The Type 45 destroyers are designed to take out Aircraft although they're not working very well yet... lolBut they couldn't bring down one of these...
clicky
PS...Go, Jemmery, and watch out for this lot ----->
acd80 said:
Type 23s. The Skoda class of the Royal Navy . I've served on 22s/23s/CVS and a smattering of short stints on RFAs and on a cloggie ship.
I've done two deployments on two separate Type23s (both Pompey based as well). The first one was one of the best deployments I've ever had in the RN and the second was one of the worst. Both of them were in the Gulf.
I'm due to go outside in the next few months after doing 16 years. I'll miss the people but I won't miss sweating like a rapist when I'm having a dump in the aft heads in the gulf! JC does an awful lot of work on behalf of the Armed Forces and not all of it gets reported in the press. A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
Yeah that! ^ . I've served on 22s/23s/CVS and a smattering of short stints on RFAs and on a cloggie ship.I've done two deployments on two separate Type23s (both Pompey based as well). The first one was one of the best deployments I've ever had in the RN and the second was one of the worst. Both of them were in the Gulf.
I'm due to go outside in the next few months after doing 16 years. I'll miss the people but I won't miss sweating like a rapist when I'm having a dump in the aft heads in the gulf! JC does an awful lot of work on behalf of the Armed Forces and not all of it gets reported in the press. A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
Andy_vx said:
mybrainhurts said:
HA...good they might be
But they couldn't bring down one of these...
clicky
PS...Go, Jemmery, and watch out for this lot ----->
The Type 23 is designed to hunt and kill Submarines. That's it's primary role. It's the most advanced in the fleet and we offer training to other Navies all over the world on how to find Submarines with advanced sonar. The Type 45 destroyers are designed to take out Aircraft although they're not working very well yet... lolBut they couldn't bring down one of these...
clicky
PS...Go, Jemmery, and watch out for this lot ----->
acd80 said:
A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
This is just jealousy towards the RAF. You see folks, in Crab Air we had everything better. Better food, better accommodation, better pay, and most importantly better looking women.You boys can carry on hunting the golden rivet in the Senile Service; I'll enjoy the delights of my 5* Hotel and Op tours where the most vital kit I'll need is Raybans and johnnies
xAll joking aside, good article and well written
Chicken said:
acd80 said:
A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
This is just jealousy towards the RAF. You see folks, in Crab Air we had everything better. Better food, better accommodation, better pay, and most importantly better looking women.You boys can carry on hunting the golden rivet in the Senile Service; I'll enjoy the delights of my 5* Hotel and Op tours where the most vital kit I'll need is Raybans and johnnies
xAll joking aside, good article and well written
ecain63 said:
Chicken said:
acd80 said:
A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
This is just jealousy towards the RAF. You see folks, in Crab Air we had everything better. Better food, better accommodation, better pay, and most importantly better looking women.You boys can carry on hunting the golden rivet in the Senile Service; I'll enjoy the delights of my 5* Hotel and Op tours where the most vital kit I'll need is Raybans and johnnies
xAll joking aside, good article and well written
I got a real job after I left the mob. However, I did have 10yrs of playing around when I was serving
Chicken said:
ecain63 said:
Chicken said:
acd80 said:
A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
This is just jealousy towards the RAF. You see folks, in Crab Air we had everything better. Better food, better accommodation, better pay, and most importantly better looking women.You boys can carry on hunting the golden rivet in the Senile Service; I'll enjoy the delights of my 5* Hotel and Op tours where the most vital kit I'll need is Raybans and johnnies
xAll joking aside, good article and well written
I got a real job after I left the mob. However, I did have 10yrs of playing around when I was serving
ecain63 said:
Chicken said:
ecain63 said:
Chicken said:
acd80 said:
A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
This is just jealousy towards the RAF. You see folks, in Crab Air we had everything better. Better food, better accommodation, better pay, and most importantly better looking women.You boys can carry on hunting the golden rivet in the Senile Service; I'll enjoy the delights of my 5* Hotel and Op tours where the most vital kit I'll need is Raybans and johnnies
xAll joking aside, good article and well written
I got a real job after I left the mob. However, I did have 10yrs of playing around when I was serving
Chicken said:
ecain63 said:
Chicken said:
ecain63 said:
Chicken said:
acd80 said:
A well written enjoyable article. 8/10-he loses marks for not having slagging off the RAF!
This is just jealousy towards the RAF. You see folks, in Crab Air we had everything better. Better food, better accommodation, better pay, and most importantly better looking women.You boys can carry on hunting the golden rivet in the Senile Service; I'll enjoy the delights of my 5* Hotel and Op tours where the most vital kit I'll need is Raybans and johnnies
xAll joking aside, good article and well written
I got a real job after I left the mob. However, I did have 10yrs of playing around when I was serving
Quite a few guys i joined with failed training and ended up in Crab-Reg as a poor substitute. Saw a couple of them doing guard duty on the gate to 'Movements' in KAF. Closest they got to doing a day in the field. To be fair, Crab-Reg used to be half decent back in the 80's. Thats when they could just about cut it with Royal and Para-Reg (only because all their mums got banged my bootnecks and Penguins in the 60's and 70's passing in superior genes). Im afraid now the boys in blue/tailored DPM are a little soft for anything more than a bit of cookhouse security work.
So, what did you do then? Nimrod crew? ISTAR data feeder? Clerk?
t and gash dits! Crab here thinks he's essence but really is a stroke-piece from the land of throbbers! Gen dit!Gassing Station | South Coast | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff