Can breaking up be like grieving for a lost one?

[ybt1982]

Hi all

I thought this would be the best place to post this, to be honest, I don't really know why I'm posting it. Just need to tell someone I suppose, get a bit of piss taking and maybe a nugget or two of advice I know my problem is nothing compared to what some people are going through and seems rather sad, even in my eyes.

It's been a long 2 and a half years since my wife and I split up We were together for 6 years and married for just 18 months before she decided she was gay. It was a very rough time for me, and I didn't cope well. She on the other hand, as far as I can tell, was ok. Got herself into another relationship and although she has had her fair share of crap from that girl she is happy now and has got over it and got on with her life.

I, on the other hand, am still stuck where I was when we first split. I was ok for a while, I think, but have recently fallen right back to where I started. At one point, after lots of hassle from the girl she did ask me back, but at that time I was strong enough to say 'no' - After that she got back together with the girl and they are apparently happy.

I think about her everyday, every thing I see reminds me of our old life. The house, the dogs, the good times... even when I see a similar car to what we had I keep looking until I'm sure it's not her. I have good days and bad, more bad than good at the moment though. I regularly have a big 'ol cry about the whole thing and just don't know where to go or what to do with myself. I can't move on or forget, did start seeing 2 girls but both ended when they started getting close and I got worried.

I almost feel like I'm grieving for someone who has died, I am broken and have no idea what to do.

As I said, don't really know why I am posting and I know it's rather pathetic compared to other peoples problems, I just wanted to vent

[grumbledoak]

ybt1982 said:

married for just 18 months before she decided she was gay.

You mean you've turned one?

Yeah, it is a kind of grieving (coping with loss). Though you seem to be dragging this one on.


Anyway, I'm sure normal service will resume shortly...

[mu0n]

I'm sorry to hear about that.

I know pretty much all of us have had relationships end but being together 6 years and married and having her realise she was gay is a bit of a shocker.

Lift?

I coped with my breakups differently. Getting down the gym for the first one, meeting up with friends I neglected when I was in a relationship was another (slept my way through a few of my female friends ) and more recently I came to terms that we were not suited (only together a couple of years but it was quite heavy) and so we split up - she wanted me back and although I still love and care for her, I know we are not right together. Bit crazy as I met someone pretty quickly afterwards and I was 100% against being in a relationship for a fair while... it's funny how things work out.

You gotta get your attention fixed elsewhere though buddy, whatever it is. They do say that the best way of getting over someone is getting under somebody else. However sleazy or crude that is, it definitely helps.

[Hoofy]

It takes time. We overcome it at different rates. You'll just have to accept what is what and eventually you will move on.

grumbledoak said:

ybt1982 said:

married for just 18 months before she decided she was gay.

You mean you've turned one?

That's what I thought.

[ikarl]

Everyone deals with stuff differently so some may say yes, I say no.

For me it's easy to think in my head that you need to just let it go and move on, however I understand it can be hard.

Sounds like you still have contact with your ex? if so, stop that, there's no point unless you really have to (money/kids etc)

Be positive about moving on, don't dwell on the past. Go and meet someone and enjoy the rest of your life.... can you think how depressing it will be in 10 years time if you look back and are still in the same position?!

[LordGrover]

Any polaroids of the ex and new gf?

[mu0n]

Is a menage a tois completely out of the question?

[mattnunn]

I say a programme on TV where this happened to a guy, he ended up falling in love with an old school friend of his sisters who rejected him he then ended up going to china and falling in love with someone else and he brought her back and then the school friend decided she did love him after all...

Anyway he ended up getting with her and then they split up and he married an english girl but that didn't last becuase he still loved the other girl who ended up fancying his mate but then they had a kid...

Anyway...

Hang in there Ross...

[illmonkey]

mattnunn said:

I say a programme on TV where this happened to a guy, he ended up falling in love with an old school friend of his sisters who rejected him he then ended up going to china and falling in love with someone else and he brought her back and then the school friend decided she did love him after all...

Anyway he ended up getting with her and then they split up and he married an english girl but that didn't last becuase he still loved the other girl who ended up fancying his mate but then they had a kid...

Anyway...

Hang in there Ross...

Half way through I thought it was familiar.

[toon10]

It depends on the type of person you are. I'm an emotional retard and view changing women like changing cars. It's always exciting to get a new car and I rarely think about the old model. Sometimes I do if it was a good one but always with fondness not regret of that makes sense.

[ybt1982]

grumbledoak said:

You mean you've turned one?

Yeah, it is a kind of grieving (coping with loss). Though you seem to be dragging this one on.


Anyway, I'm sure normal service will resume shortly...

Ha ha, that's what I'm talking about. Proper PH response

LordGrover said:

Any polaroids of the ex and new gf?

mu0n said:

Is a menage a tois completely out of the question?

If you had seen her new GF neither of you would want to. My ex was a bit of a tomboy but her gf is a manly woman, a prison officer and she carries a fair bit of timber.

I have always been a bit st at splitting up with girls, but this really is getting to me. As for getting over someone by getting under someone else. I did that last summer but still couldn't shake the feeling, problem is I don't have anyone to talk to. My mates, of which there aint many left, are all fed up of hearing about it and as for family, well they're not really the emotional type that have a spare shoulder.

[mu0n]

ybt1982 said:

If you had seen her new GF neither of you would want to. My ex was a bit of a tomboy but her gf is a manly woman, a prison officer and she carries a fair bit of timber.

I have always been a bit st at splitting up with girls, but this really is getting to me. As for getting over someone by getting under someone else. I did that last summer but still couldn't shake the feeling, problem is I don't have anyone to talk to. My mates, of which there aint many left, are all fed up of hearing about it and as for family, well they're not really the emotional type that have a spare shoulder.

I really feel for you mate and if one of my friends was in a similar position I'd hope he wouldn't feel like that talking to me.

Accept my virtual man hug!

As the post above says, time is the biggest healer. You'll move on.

Get a motorbike and go lift some heavy weights. It helps. Trust me.

[ybt1982]

Thankfully no kids, but another kick in the balls is that we were trying at the time!!??? We did have apair of dogs though, one of which I also miss like mad and she has recetly taken ownership of after we rehomed them in Christmas 2010.

As for fking everybody else, women are not my strong point. I can't talk to them and have never, ever pulled. Don't do the clubbing thing and very rarely go out drinking, god I sound sad

[mu0n]

ybt1982 said:

Thankfully no kids, but another kick in the balls is that we were trying at the time!!??? We did have apair of dogs though, one of which I also miss like mad and she has recetly taken ownership of after we rehomed them in Christmas 2010.

As for fking everybody else, women are not my strong point. I can't talk to them and have never, ever pulled. Don't do the clubbing thing and very rarely go out drinking, god I sound sad

You don't sound sad at all! In fact, it sounds like most guys. My best mate is massively into swinging, sex parties, smashed well over 500 girls, had plenty of girlfriends, very good looking, charasmatic etc etc but... he struggles to walk over to a girl in a club, bar, party or wherever and spark up conversation with her.

Fortunately I've never had that problem but I get other anxieties that you probably don't get, so it's swings and roundabouts.

Don't go clubbing or rarely drinking? Awesome, better gains in the gym.

It sounds like you need to surround yourself with some banter and good friends. It always helps pull me out of a hole, even when I think I don't have any friends around me at the time, I usually do, just I close myself off. You just sometimes have to say fk it! And go with what people are telling you.

[Moominho]

When I broke up with my ex fiancee it affected me more than anything I have ever gone through. That includes having both my parents die of cancer. It is a horrible thing to say I know, but at least when someone dies you have closure, as hard as it may be to deal with.

For me, breaking up with someone that I loved had the same emotions as someone passing away, with the added bonus of wondering the whole time what they are doing, who are they with and just generally missing them.

But then I have always been a soppy c***. Time does heal, but it is a slow healer. All the best.

[Rude Girl]

2868 said:

The reason it hurts so much is that person becomes your life rather than just a good part of your life. You need to keep the balance, always!

The thing is though that to be successfully married, you need to leave your old life behind and create a new shared one together.. The OP went with that but has been betrayed in more than one way. For a start he gave up the old life for the new one, and now finds that it was built on a house of cards. Secondly he has to face that she was never honest. She didn't decide after 18 months that she was gay - she always was, and used him and disrespected his emotions to try and obey convention.

What I'm saying is that marriage means that the other person does become your life. And you become theirs, which is a MASSIVE responsibility, and means never ever undermining them. And that's bloody hard work some days even with a partner who is working at it equally with you. The phrase 'I love you completely, but I don't always like you' has been used occasionally in our house...

I don't blame the OP for feeling like the bottom of his world fell out. His wife behaved in a way that made him mistrust all the rules. The tricky bit is taking the risk again. There are only 2 answers to that - lonely or brave. You have to decide which feels worse right now. But do yourself a favour - if lonely is preferable this week, ask yourself again every week, because one day it will change.

[Sid's Dad]

OP, you are grieving. No doubt about it. And sometimes when people grieve, they can get 'stuck' at a certain point along the journey. You say you don't feel able to talk to your friends and family about thus, and I can understand why. A bystander, seeing you stuck, will probably tell you to 'just get on with life', which of course you can't.

OP, I wholeheartedly recommend you see a professional counsellor. Ask your GP for a recommendation and go private if you can afford it - you'll see someone straight away and can see them weekly for an hour or two. And consider a few 'rules' to help you face each day: write down a list of things in your life to feel grateful for, and force yourself to focus on something on that list whenever you find yourself brooding on your loss. Cut down on the booze if you need to, and find a smile for your friends even if you feel like st.

Good luck, OP. let us know how you get on.

[Rude Girl]

2868 said:

your partner in life should be someone you want to be there and who adds to your life in a positive way.

Agreed. And I think that's what the OP has to find a way round. He picked her as the one and gave himself to the partnership. She was playing at it, which is a pretty low way for one person to treat another.

I had a very betraying relationship years ago, and in my experience there are 2 really important things to get hold of
1) not to blame yourself and label yourself as some sort of loser, attracting//being worthy only of tossers - tried it, didn't end well.
2) not to punish every new prospective partner for what one person did - Er, that doesn't end well either.

Discussions with Mr Rude indicate these apply equally to men and women. Oh, and they aren't easy, but it's better to try to be happy than sad. Not all men/women are barsatards

[Happy82]

ybt1982 said:

Thankfully no kids, but another kick in the balls is that we were trying at the time!!??? We did have apair of dogs though, one of which I also miss like mad and she has recetly taken ownership of after we rehomed them in Christmas 2010.

As for fking everybody else, women are not my strong point. I can't talk to them and have never, ever pulled. Don't do the clubbing thing and very rarely go out drinking, god I sound sad

Try the match.com thread, might help you get over the ex and maybe get some tips for getting on with women and meeting them for the first time

[snood]

In some circumstances, a break up can be like a bereavement, only worse because the focus of your pain is still around.

Perhaps try treating it like a family death, in that you can't retrieve the lost person, nor can you replace them successfully (generally speaking).

It might be an idea to bin the stuff that keeps on reminding you, or at least get out of the house a lot.

First step to moving on. And remember that stripy leopards are untrustworthy!