FAO Bassfiend ..... Bruv
Discussion
Hi Bruv,
I was thinking of you the other day and realised that in this very dangerous world we live in
Our mother would want you to be safe, so I have got you something to protect you on these dark nights from the bad nasty Griff drivers.
If I can tame it by the 5th I will bring it for you.
Your long lost ( but now found ) sis
Shelly
I was thinking of you the other day and realised that in this very dangerous world we live in
Our mother would want you to be safe, so I have got you something to protect you on these dark nights from the bad nasty Griff drivers.
If I can tame it by the 5th I will bring it for you.
Your long lost ( but now found ) sis
Shelly
Edited by jamienshelly on Thursday 28th March 14:20
Hi Sis,
Mum always was a bit of a worrier but I thought she gave up on me after I ignored her warnings about the perils of bumping uglies with the fairer sex so I'm reassured that she still concerns herself with my wellbeing.
I think I get what you mean but you are aware that the werewolf that she was telling us about in her last telegram was simply a large black mouse that had been walking across her crafting table one afternoon - you can tame it by tossing it small pieces of cheese however she got it a bit wrong and flattened the poor bugger under a 12lb slab of mature cheddar!
Her initial confusion was caused because she hadn't realised that she still had her magnifying glasses on and, unfortunately, she's never been the same since - but if you fancy a laugh, wait until she falls asleep in the afternoon, (I find that adding a bit of surgical spirit to her saline drip works wonders,) draw the curtains, turn out the lights and pop any of the "Underworld" movies on her TV ... she'll be hanging from the light fittings before you can say "Look at the fangs on that!" (But for decencies sake just make sure that you change her "bag" first or the s
t really will hit the fan...)
Anyway sis - looking forward to seeing you on the 5th ...
Px
Mum always was a bit of a worrier but I thought she gave up on me after I ignored her warnings about the perils of bumping uglies with the fairer sex so I'm reassured that she still concerns herself with my wellbeing.
I think I get what you mean but you are aware that the werewolf that she was telling us about in her last telegram was simply a large black mouse that had been walking across her crafting table one afternoon - you can tame it by tossing it small pieces of cheese however she got it a bit wrong and flattened the poor bugger under a 12lb slab of mature cheddar!
Her initial confusion was caused because she hadn't realised that she still had her magnifying glasses on and, unfortunately, she's never been the same since - but if you fancy a laugh, wait until she falls asleep in the afternoon, (I find that adding a bit of surgical spirit to her saline drip works wonders,) draw the curtains, turn out the lights and pop any of the "Underworld" movies on her TV ... she'll be hanging from the light fittings before you can say "Look at the fangs on that!" (But for decencies sake just make sure that you change her "bag" first or the s
t really will hit the fan...)Anyway sis - looking forward to seeing you on the 5th ...
Px
Hi Bruv,
I know I kept telling mum to go to Specsavers but she would not believe me when I said 2 for the price of 1 was the same as bogof. Think she thought I wanted her to go to the nearby swamp. Think that after you had forgiven her for telling you about our real father and not the blown up one in the corner in the bedroom, she wanted to reconnect with you. ( I am surprised that we did not twig it when she said he was a Captain and kept playing "Ferry across the Mersey" although I always had suspicions about the Butcher in Morrisons especially as you both had the same shade ginger hair and he always gave Mum an extra chop when she was in there.
That did stop when she wore that really short skirt, you know the one with the orange flowers on it and bent over to put the chops in the basket. Told her she should have emptied her bag before we went to the shops that day. In fact I don't think I ever saw him again. Although at my last AA meeting I did think I recognised a quivering wreck in the corner but thought it goes against the rules to ask names.
Anyway thought I would also let you know that Zed4 is coming up on the 5th so if you are coming up that way you may want to contact him. But if you are going to pop into Auntie Doris on the way up don't forget to call first as if you remember it took three months of therapy to get the image of her dancing on the table out of your head. I have also been to primark and brought her some knickers now.
Anyway must go as I have more training to do with the beast and look forward to seeing you on the 5th.
Shelly X
I know I kept telling mum to go to Specsavers but she would not believe me when I said 2 for the price of 1 was the same as bogof. Think she thought I wanted her to go to the nearby swamp. Think that after you had forgiven her for telling you about our real father and not the blown up one in the corner in the bedroom, she wanted to reconnect with you. ( I am surprised that we did not twig it when she said he was a Captain and kept playing "Ferry across the Mersey" although I always had suspicions about the Butcher in Morrisons especially as you both had the same shade ginger hair and he always gave Mum an extra chop when she was in there.
That did stop when she wore that really short skirt, you know the one with the orange flowers on it and bent over to put the chops in the basket. Told her she should have emptied her bag before we went to the shops that day. In fact I don't think I ever saw him again. Although at my last AA meeting I did think I recognised a quivering wreck in the corner but thought it goes against the rules to ask names.
Anyway thought I would also let you know that Zed4 is coming up on the 5th so if you are coming up that way you may want to contact him. But if you are going to pop into Auntie Doris on the way up don't forget to call first as if you remember it took three months of therapy to get the image of her dancing on the table out of your head. I have also been to primark and brought her some knickers now.
Anyway must go as I have more training to do with the beast and look forward to seeing you on the 5th.
Shelly X
Shelly and P this is your long lost DAD..
I know this is a shock
Ive been hiding in Auntie Doris's underwear draw for the last 17 years 
i must warn you not to do ANYTHING on the 5TH
I foresee a terrible terrible accident involving a beach spade, a dozen plums, 3 grease guns and a Griff owner...
You must believe me.... I know its been 20 years since i drove off and left you in a couple of hanging flower baskets at Notcutts Garden Centre for a new life with my pride and joy '73 Orange Austin Allegro 1500 vanden plas with RR grill, vinyl roof, and square steering wheel.
but you must forgive me..
at least for the car i was driving
ps... she is NOT your Auntie Doris.. she is a HE! she is really your Uncle Morris!
I only found out cause i had to go and change my incontinence pads and caught 'her\him? him/her' trying to shove a cucumber up the exhaust pipe of my beloved Austin...... while shaving his head wearing his Bobby Ball braces singing 'Is this the way to Amorillo' watching Debbie does Dallas on the garage TV
I know this is a shock
Ive been hiding in Auntie Doris's underwear draw for the last 17 years i must warn you not to do ANYTHING on the 5THI foresee a terrible terrible accident involving a beach spade, a dozen plums, 3 grease guns and a Griff owner...
You must believe me.... I know its been 20 years since i drove off and left you in a couple of hanging flower baskets at Notcutts Garden Centre for a new life with my pride and joy '73 Orange Austin Allegro 1500 vanden plas with RR grill, vinyl roof, and square steering wheel.
but you must forgive me.. at least for the car i was driving
ps... she is NOT your Auntie Doris.. she is a HE! she is really your Uncle Morris!
I only found out cause i had to go and change my incontinence pads and caught 'her\him? him/her' trying to shove a cucumber up the exhaust pipe of my beloved Austin...... while shaving his head wearing his Bobby Ball braces singing 'Is this the way to Amorillo' watching Debbie does Dallas on the garage TVEdited by MADMAX2 on Friday 29th March 10:45
I as Shelly's O/H can forgive certain things. Having the name of a Mel Gibson Road Movie is one, Leaving your 2 children in flower baskets and no contact for many years is just about forgivable, Not telling about Uncle / Aunty Morris or Dorris is really bad but the most heanus crime is admitting to owning an Allegro.
Shelly is very upset to find that she is related to someone who owned one, and it has all but destroyed her the fact the admission came via this open forum. Her exact words were " I would rather have found out on The Jerremy Kyle show than in our TVR house".
I personally would rather Put on a dress and watch brokeback Mountain with Graham Norton, with a bowl of cucumbers and a pot of KY jelly on the table than admit to having a vinyl roofed, veloured upholstered, Hrydospastic damped Allegro.
If Shelly wishes to meet with her father then that is her decision.
I would advise the meeting be a private affair at the Thunder in the Tunnels, the BNG or Chatsworth.
These are my opinions and have no bearing on What Shelly thinks or does
Shelly is very upset to find that she is related to someone who owned one, and it has all but destroyed her the fact the admission came via this open forum. Her exact words were " I would rather have found out on The Jerremy Kyle show than in our TVR house".
I personally would rather Put on a dress and watch brokeback Mountain with Graham Norton, with a bowl of cucumbers and a pot of KY jelly on the table than admit to having a vinyl roofed, veloured upholstered, Hrydospastic damped Allegro.
If Shelly wishes to meet with her father then that is her decision.
I would advise the meeting be a private affair at the Thunder in the Tunnels, the BNG or Chatsworth.
These are my opinions and have no bearing on What Shelly thinks or does
jamienshelly said:
Hi Bruv,
I know I kept telling mum to go to Specsavers but she would not believe me when I said 2 for the price of 1 was the same as bogof. Think she thought I wanted her to go to the nearby swamp. Think that after you had forgiven her for telling you about our real father and not the blown up one in the corner in the bedroom, she wanted to reconnect with you. ( I am surprised that we did not twig it when she said he was a Captain and kept playing "Ferry across the Mersey" although I always had suspicions about the Butcher in Morrisons especially as you both had the same shade ginger hair and he always gave Mum an extra chop when she was in there.
That did stop when she wore that really short skirt, you know the one with the orange flowers on it and bent over to put the chops in the basket. Told her she should have emptied her bag before we went to the shops that day. In fact I don't think I ever saw him again. Although at my last AA meeting I did think I recognised a quivering wreck in the corner but thought it goes against the rules to ask names.
Anyway thought I would also let you know that Zed4 is coming up on the 5th so if you are coming up that way you may want to contact him. But if you are going to pop into Auntie Doris on the way up don't forget to call first as if you remember it took three months of therapy to get the image of her dancing on the table out of your head. I have also been to primark and brought her some knickers now.
Anyway must go as I have more training to do with the beast and look forward to seeing you on the 5th.
Shelly X
WTF..I know I kept telling mum to go to Specsavers but she would not believe me when I said 2 for the price of 1 was the same as bogof. Think she thought I wanted her to go to the nearby swamp. Think that after you had forgiven her for telling you about our real father and not the blown up one in the corner in the bedroom, she wanted to reconnect with you. ( I am surprised that we did not twig it when she said he was a Captain and kept playing "Ferry across the Mersey" although I always had suspicions about the Butcher in Morrisons especially as you both had the same shade ginger hair and he always gave Mum an extra chop when she was in there.
That did stop when she wore that really short skirt, you know the one with the orange flowers on it and bent over to put the chops in the basket. Told her she should have emptied her bag before we went to the shops that day. In fact I don't think I ever saw him again. Although at my last AA meeting I did think I recognised a quivering wreck in the corner but thought it goes against the rules to ask names.
Anyway thought I would also let you know that Zed4 is coming up on the 5th so if you are coming up that way you may want to contact him. But if you are going to pop into Auntie Doris on the way up don't forget to call first as if you remember it took three months of therapy to get the image of her dancing on the table out of your head. I have also been to primark and brought her some knickers now.
Anyway must go as I have more training to do with the beast and look forward to seeing you on the 5th.
Shelly X
Oh Jamie im so sorry but i HAVE to tell you YOUR secret...
You ARE Shelley and Petes Secret Brother...
It all happened with the windows down in the woods one summers evening your mom got drunk and wanted the perfect baby.
. I told her the Allegro comes first (which it didnt )
she went through with having you and when you was born...told me to get rid of you... you was with me when i went to Notcutts with Peter and Shelley.. there were only two hanging baskets so i couldnt leave you there.. instead i left you on the outer circle route bus in Birmingham. You were found 7 hours later in the bus garage and was taken in by a kind mormon family who coincidently lived next door to me.. proof... remember the time you wanted your football back when you was 11 and i said last time you kicked it over id keep it well ive got that football now here in my hand ive kept it all these years with your name on. even then you dreamed of owning a TVR!!Jamie.. please forgive me...
what will you do about Shelley i mean.... she IS your sister????
As you say, I was raised as morman so being with Shelly, Phil, my mum or even you is ok in my religeon. So nothing will change. This now explains why our son has only 1 eye in the middle of his forhead, 3 testicles and enjoys banjo music. 
Mum says Hello and she remembers that allegro and she very fond memories of you driving away.
Your new found Religous son
Jamie
Mum says Hello and she remembers that allegro and she very fond memories of you driving away.
Your new found Religous son
Jamie
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