The realisation that your parents are old...
Discussion
Some days really are very strange, the kind of days that even as they are taking place you realise they are going to be the moments you look back at at remember.
I had such a day yesterday when meeting with my family to celebrate my Mother's birthday. As I sat talking with my sister I looked over at my parents and realised that the people sitting opposite us were different. The man who carried me when I was young, the woman who used to tell me bed time stories and fill the house with the most wonderful smells of cooking were looking old and alitel frail.
It was such an odd feeling of in some ways not recognising the persons opposite with what my mind recalled as being mum and dad. When did it happen? When did they become old?
It filled me with a sense of dread to - the reaslisation that one day they won't be there and no matter how annoying they can be (and no doubt I am to them), that something profound would not be there, would be gone for ever. When I lost my wife, I thought that no loss would ever be as profund - that death would never touch me again the in same way. Well, I woke up this morning feeling like a terrified child wondering how the hell one carries on after the loss of your parents. Something else clicked in to place to; that realisation that their sense of fear in losing each other and being the 'one left behind' is more profund than ever I realised.
it was a lovely day, a day close as a family and a day of laughter and we had a great time, but I woke up this morning feeling very afraid for the future, theirs and mine.
I had such a day yesterday when meeting with my family to celebrate my Mother's birthday. As I sat talking with my sister I looked over at my parents and realised that the people sitting opposite us were different. The man who carried me when I was young, the woman who used to tell me bed time stories and fill the house with the most wonderful smells of cooking were looking old and alitel frail.
It was such an odd feeling of in some ways not recognising the persons opposite with what my mind recalled as being mum and dad. When did it happen? When did they become old?
It filled me with a sense of dread to - the reaslisation that one day they won't be there and no matter how annoying they can be (and no doubt I am to them), that something profound would not be there, would be gone for ever. When I lost my wife, I thought that no loss would ever be as profund - that death would never touch me again the in same way. Well, I woke up this morning feeling like a terrified child wondering how the hell one carries on after the loss of your parents. Something else clicked in to place to; that realisation that their sense of fear in losing each other and being the 'one left behind' is more profund than ever I realised.
it was a lovely day, a day close as a family and a day of laughter and we had a great time, but I woke up this morning feeling very afraid for the future, theirs and mine.
Parental mortality crisis: the sudden, visceral realisation that they aren't going to last forever and that you'll have to face the world without them one day. Mine happened at 10 years old when a pulmonary embolism left my dad needing resuscitation followed by a long stay in intensive care... but sadly and interestingly my littlest sister, 5 years old at the time and therefore mostly oblivious, suffered it much more recently when a friend's dad (himself a family friend etc.) died very suddenly. I suspect that this is the bit where having siblings suddenly becomes worth all the fighting, bullying, lack of privacy and so on.
suthol said:
dundarach said:
the realisation - that you're an old parent is even worse!
This.When your youngest of five is 29 and your oldest grandsproglet is 16 then you have a rough idea the time waits for no one.
Realising your parents are getting old is to me a natural thing, well it came as not surprise to me anyway as I think I always regarded them as old.
Realising I am getting old was much more of a shock, and to honest I really don't like it. Bits just don't work like they used to, I have aches that last forever, if I realised this was going to happen I would have taken better care of my body when I was younger, actually probably wouldn't have, I was warned to stop playing rugby at 25 and continued until I was 40.
Getting old is a proper b
d, but better than the alternative, I have a couple friends who never got the chance to grow old.I've started to notice it with mine.
Although they are only in their late 50's there have been a few events in the last few years which have left them looking & feeling beyonf their years.
My mum had an agressive form of Breast cancer and following operations has a forzen shoulder that no amount of physio will fix, alongside hair which hasn't grown back as it was before, instead being very thin and straight (was the opposite before)
My dad had a major motorbike accident when heading back from work 2 years ago, both arms, leg and neck/back causing permanant nerve damage in his neck. Coupled with the other injuries he can no longer do the things he did before - walking any distances, playing golf (shattered wrist and hand so cant grip/rotate) and is on high strength painkillers permanantly.
I guess that these two events, when combined with money worries haven't helped them at all!
Although they are only in their late 50's there have been a few events in the last few years which have left them looking & feeling beyonf their years.
My mum had an agressive form of Breast cancer and following operations has a forzen shoulder that no amount of physio will fix, alongside hair which hasn't grown back as it was before, instead being very thin and straight (was the opposite before)
My dad had a major motorbike accident when heading back from work 2 years ago, both arms, leg and neck/back causing permanant nerve damage in his neck. Coupled with the other injuries he can no longer do the things he did before - walking any distances, playing golf (shattered wrist and hand so cant grip/rotate) and is on high strength painkillers permanantly.
I guess that these two events, when combined with money worries haven't helped them at all!
Tuvra said:
Some people are not fortunate enough to see their parents grow old, my mum was 41, I was 21 at the time she passed away 
It cuts both ways though. My Mum spent 15 years dying. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and specifically on the spouse that ends up shouldering the burden of caring.My Father turned round one year and asked me what I would do if he was to die.
That was quite a sobering moment.
Then one day he wasn't and I knew what he meant.
3 of us sitting around, two of them asking where do we start? I was the only one he had told about his 'Death Box'.
In it was everything that we needed to jump start the process of dealing with it all.
Funeral arrangements, including readings and quotations, what drinks to serve at the wake, all personal financials, all Mothers financials etc.
That was the start on a pretty bad couple of years.
That was quite a sobering moment.
Then one day he wasn't and I knew what he meant.
3 of us sitting around, two of them asking where do we start? I was the only one he had told about his 'Death Box'.
In it was everything that we needed to jump start the process of dealing with it all.
Funeral arrangements, including readings and quotations, what drinks to serve at the wake, all personal financials, all Mothers financials etc.
That was the start on a pretty bad couple of years.
It's life really.
My mother died at the age I am now, 50. I was mid-twenties at the time. My father's still fit as a flea at 80. Clearly, he's looking 'old' and he's not as strong as once he was, but he's very active; walking my brother's dog, to still being active at his shooting club to going out with his 'bird' who's a mere 76. He's been fortunate but he's looked after himself - I'm hoping to be similar.
My mother died at the age I am now, 50. I was mid-twenties at the time. My father's still fit as a flea at 80. Clearly, he's looking 'old' and he's not as strong as once he was, but he's very active; walking my brother's dog, to still being active at his shooting club to going out with his 'bird' who's a mere 76. He's been fortunate but he's looked after himself - I'm hoping to be similar.
I had a similar realisation when I suddenly realised we'd all moved up a generation. The grandparents are all dead, my parents are now "the grandparents", my sister and I are now "the parents" and my nieces and nephews are now "the children".
When the feck did that happen?
(Well, obviously when the grandparents died and my sister sprogged. But you know what I mean)
When the feck did that happen?
(Well, obviously when the grandparents died and my sister sprogged. But you know what I mean)
JonRB said:
I had a similar realisation when I suddenly realised we'd all moved up a generation. The grandparents are all dead, my parents are now "the grandparents", my sister and I are now "the parents" and my nieces and nephews are now "the children".
When the feck did that happen?
(Well, obviously when the grandparents died and my sister sprogged. But you know what I mean)
When the last relative of my granparents generation died, that was a sobering moment.When the feck did that happen?
(Well, obviously when the grandparents died and my sister sprogged. But you know what I mean)
OP, I entirely understand.
My dad hasn't been around for a good few years, and I never really knew him in any case. When I look at my mum now I see an quickly-ageing lady and it scares me, only noticed/realised in the last year or so that she won't be around forever.
I try to visit her and do things together as much as possible. It does worry me though, as an only son, what would happen if she injured herself/couldn't walk for whatever reason as she's otherwise alone and has 3 big dogs to cope with...
My dad hasn't been around for a good few years, and I never really knew him in any case. When I look at my mum now I see an quickly-ageing lady and it scares me, only noticed/realised in the last year or so that she won't be around forever.
I try to visit her and do things together as much as possible. It does worry me though, as an only son, what would happen if she injured herself/couldn't walk for whatever reason as she's otherwise alone and has 3 big dogs to cope with...
drivin_me_nuts said:
It was such an odd feeling of in some ways not recognising the persons opposite with what my mind recalled as being mum and dad. When did it happen? When did they become old?
Happened to me a couple of years back, it happened to mrs envy this weekend when she saw her dad waving and angle grinder around and nearly cutting his finger off.I don't know what I dread more, my parents needing care or them passing.
All those years as a kid I hated that I simply couldn't beat my mum at badminton. Then one day, after a long time of never playing her, as a fully grown adult I thrashed her something like 21 - 3. That was a very hollow victory, as deep down I don't think you really want to beat your parents at anything.
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