International Rescue - Nissan Almera GTI
Discussion
Boys and girls,
Here's a little story all about how an N15 GTIs life got twist turned upside-down...
It all started when 3 mates decided they wanted a project. After some discussion, the choice was obvious, we were to take our first forey into the world of rotten 90s Nissans.
After a little searching, we came across an absolute gem. It was a "RARE" black N15 GTI, 7mths MOT and some tax, barely run in at [an indicated] 110k with just a minor bump to the N/S rear quater - a steal at just £300 (a mere £100 over our budget). The advert showed the car in front of what looked like a stately home. With this solid indication of substantial fiscal reserves, we were suitably (in our own minds) assured that this was going to be one of those magical "no expense spared" beauties.
So, after a 25 minute drive up the A52 to Beeston, followed by a 15 minute wait on his drive while his mother phoned him to come back home, we were ready to have a good marvell at this beast.
Unfortunately, the car didn't belong to a close relative of the queen but some bloke who, reading between the lines, was either a pimp or had something to do with illegal substances. Regardless, he was a likeable chap and following a bump start agreed to a test drive.
As we wheelspun out of his drive with my knees around his ears (I was in the O/S rear passenger seat, him driving), we all texted our nearest and dearest to tell them we loved them. Once we reached a point where we feared the petrol fumes may run out, it was my turn at the helm...
MY GOD! What a vehicle! The performance was undeniable and it apparently required no fuel in order to run - winner!
Following a small "discussion" over the legality of some of the tyres, the fact the boot didn't shut and once we'd confirmed the petrol cap could be opened as long as you had a screw driver to hand, we shook hands on £265 - an absolute steal. The proud owners of possibly the best car ever to grace the Royal Borough of Beeston.
Below you'll see my two comrades beaming at the thought of getting this majestic thing back to Derby...
Note that they're on the drive, it wouldn't start and required a second bump. Unfortunately the key was a bit dickie and wouldn't start the car. With our tails between our legs we headed back to the seller and asked him to start it for us. 2 minutes later we were filled up with tyres checked (pressures unbelievably low, like 0.8bar). Off we went.
Once we got it back, we set about a more detailed inspection and a chat about how well it conquered the A52. The outcome of this was generally very negative. Problems identified were as follows:
[LIST]
[*]Serious wheel wobble at 60mph+
[*]No power steering
[*]Whereabouts of the locking wheel nut key
[*]Rear brakes don't work AT ALL
[*]Handbrake doesn't work
[*]The boot lid lifts at c.60mph
[*]Windscreen wipers were useless
[*]The N/S electric mirror didn't work
[*]HUGE hole in the back box
[/LIST]
However, we had just bought a car with front AND REAR strut braces, a spoiler, working aircon, 5 alloys, brake callipers pre-painted red, bodykit, GTI badges, a steering wheel in common with a Skyline and to top it all a car with original dealer plates, rear window sticker and tax disc holder - we were chuffed! Some pictures...
Rear qtr damage:
One of the problems I didn't mention earlier was that the N/S rear of the car sounded much noisier from the inside than the other. On further inspection we found this...
Combined with the other issues our first thought was of course "how the hell did this get through an MOT!".
Following some investigations, we traced the reason down to a simple formula:
The owner at time of MOT was a woman (I'm reluctant to say lady). This woman + rather substantial lump of congealed man custard in the N/S rear passenger pocket and associated stains on the rear seat we concluded must = MOT certificate.
Ironically, the test centre was located on Easy Road. Oh, how we laughed...
A couple of weekends and a trek up to Sheffield - to fetch some replacement rear brake callipers and discs - later, followed by an obligatory trip to the paradise that is Albert Looms Breakers, we set about conducting some mods and repairs as follows:
[LIST]
[*]On went the new brake gear accompanied by a lovely lovely bleed
[*]Handbrake cable was free'd up so handbrake turns were back on the agenda
[*]The side-skirts were re-attched using self tappers
[*]Filled it with Castrol GTX (wrong weight but close enough)
[*]Treated the radiator to some Radweld
[*]Watched power steering fluid pour straight back out of the car onto the drive
[*]The hole in the backbox had a coke can riveted over it
[*]Tread-iest tyres switched to the front
[*]Rear dent was attacked with a hammer
[*]Jizz stains removed as far as possible
[*]Shed lock and padlock fitted to boot lid for Thatcham beating security
[*]De-wipered the rear
[*]Awesome cassette holder from a Primera fitted and cubby hole relocated to stereo port (recommended mod)
[/LIST]
Fast forward a few days and discussions, we decided the paintwork needed attention as well as the rust and obvious damage. We decided the best way to go about this was to kill two birds with one stone. How do you do that? I hear you ask. Simple...HAMMERITE!
Two tins'll get you a couple of coats and guarantee no further rust for 8yrs! None of this air gun and masking nonsense, we just cracked on with it. We were pretty pleased with the results...
A shame to lose the "RARE" black but this looked the business - why they didn't offer yellow as standard I'll never know. The pictures don't do it justice, this car looked badass.
To finish we re-attached the GTI badges and added some of those we'd collected from Looms, namely a Merc, 2x BMW, new Almera and Turbo badges.
Given the success of our visual modification efforts so far, we decided to start taking it seriously and go with a theme. Many long nights were spent discussing which direction we ought to be going in. This car was a good example of a future, and rare, classic and we wanted to do it justice. We went through a few options:
[LIST]
[*]Euro
[*]Rat-look
[*]Sleeper
[*]Max Power
[*]Clean and original
[*]Race livery (Ripspeed and Castrol stickers, that sort of thing)
[/LIST]
...In the end we decided on Thunderbirds.
So, ahead we went. Given that we already had the yellow bodywork sorted, we decided Thurderbird 4 was to be our chosen inspiration. For those unfamilliar with programs of the strung variety, this is what we were going for...
This decision led to another long night in the garage (we don't like to hang about). Here's how we set about it:
[LIST]
[*]Fin made from MDF
[*]Bracket bolted straight through the roof
[*]Stencils made for the writing (we're perfectionists - any sort of skew was not an option)
[*]Red stripes added accordingly
[*]Drain pipe cut in half and self-tapped to the car as thrusters
[*]Window seals re-touched with permenant marker
[*]Bonnet scoops from the Impreza we found in Looms attached
[/LIST]
And the result, I think you'll agree, was bloody impressive!...
Uber-proud of our efforts, we decided it was time to get some insurance and reveal this beast to the UK public. Following a mis-timed trip to the local dogging spot for some hand brake turns as strange old men looked on, we made our way to the Wyvern, Derby's premier modified car scene.
We nervously arrived at the McDonalds carpark and pulled up amongst various modified Golfs and other VAG product. We popped the bonnet, as you do, to show off our potent 2.0 ltr 16v power house and watched as the crowd drew.
The car went down a storm! No other car has ever seen so much attention at a meet. We were humbled at the attention and compliments it drew. People were even making offers on it! So much so that we briefly considered going into Thunderbird conversions full time. (Could still be persuaded - PM for details).
Over the next few days we ragged it to within an inch of its life before the fun really started...
So, what has all this REALLY been in aid of? Well, we bought the car for a trip from Calais to Valencia via Italy and finishing with the Tomatina in Brunol (I would just like to add that I'd never before considered tomatoes sexy, but seeing some of these scantily clad chicas covered in it, my mind has been changed).
We drove off down to Dover to get the ferry. We posted up on here suggesting a last minute meet but unfortunately nothing came of it. Disappointed - come on guys...
We had lots of photos taken and managed to get a feature on Italian TV (right place right time). Here we are coming off the ferry...
Bad news was that almost as soon as we hit Calais (what a hole), we noticed a whine from the gearbox. We soon concluded that there was nothing we could do about it and, as such, continued to wring the cars neck down through France to the Alps, which made for some excellent driving, and the Pyranees, which felt like a WRC stage in parts - lovely stuff. Anyway, some pics...
Parked up at our Calais hotel for the night. Sump only got a bit scraped on the curb...
We stopped by Monaco to show these rich people and F1 drivers what a proper car looks like - McLaren what?...
Fogs on ready for a lap of the Monaco F1 circuit, obviously...
Alpine times
Compote featured heavily
Almost as beautiful as our car
Proof we actually made it to Valencia. Didn't make it into the strip club though - not that you need it with a pussy-wagon like this.
The journey wasn't without its troubles though. In Perpignan the car took at bit of a bump, front and rear - bit of an Almera sandwich really. We lost the rear bumper which was simply cable tied back on but it was game over for the rear skirt. Henceforth, bin...
The front shunt meant a bent bonnet and a cracked bumper and grill. After the work we'd put in, we weren't in the least bit happy, as you can probably imagine. It's as if they didn't appreciate Almera GTIs as they should - heathens.
We then had a run in with armed Spanish police who pulled us over on suspicion of having weapons, drugs and a stolen vehicle. Given the profile of the seller of this car, it was a bit of a twitchy bum moment when they went looking for drugs, luckily he'd cleared it out prior to sale. We were also asked whether the car was safe, obvioulsy we lied and showed him the MOT...
Anyway, we were searched thoroughly, as was the car while we stood opposite a fire-arm at the side of the road. Luckily, we escaped with our rectums no more tampered with than they were previously - quite the relief.
So, our trip had come to an end and it was time to get back to the UK. Bad news was we didn't fancy the drive back so it was time for the car to meet its maker. If you need any GTI bits, there's a scrappers just outside Valencia with one at the moment., I can probably get you the address/number if you want it, PM for details...
A shame yes, but it did get a decent send-off. The Almera phase of our lives has now come to an end - will we return? Doubt it. It's a bit like picking chicken nuggets when there's steak on offer, there's just nicer to be had...
Comments and criticism welcome.
Much Love,
APM.
Here's a little story all about how an N15 GTIs life got twist turned upside-down...
It all started when 3 mates decided they wanted a project. After some discussion, the choice was obvious, we were to take our first forey into the world of rotten 90s Nissans.
After a little searching, we came across an absolute gem. It was a "RARE" black N15 GTI, 7mths MOT and some tax, barely run in at [an indicated] 110k with just a minor bump to the N/S rear quater - a steal at just £300 (a mere £100 over our budget). The advert showed the car in front of what looked like a stately home. With this solid indication of substantial fiscal reserves, we were suitably (in our own minds) assured that this was going to be one of those magical "no expense spared" beauties.
So, after a 25 minute drive up the A52 to Beeston, followed by a 15 minute wait on his drive while his mother phoned him to come back home, we were ready to have a good marvell at this beast.
Unfortunately, the car didn't belong to a close relative of the queen but some bloke who, reading between the lines, was either a pimp or had something to do with illegal substances. Regardless, he was a likeable chap and following a bump start agreed to a test drive.
As we wheelspun out of his drive with my knees around his ears (I was in the O/S rear passenger seat, him driving), we all texted our nearest and dearest to tell them we loved them. Once we reached a point where we feared the petrol fumes may run out, it was my turn at the helm...
MY GOD! What a vehicle! The performance was undeniable and it apparently required no fuel in order to run - winner!
Following a small "discussion" over the legality of some of the tyres, the fact the boot didn't shut and once we'd confirmed the petrol cap could be opened as long as you had a screw driver to hand, we shook hands on £265 - an absolute steal. The proud owners of possibly the best car ever to grace the Royal Borough of Beeston.
Below you'll see my two comrades beaming at the thought of getting this majestic thing back to Derby...
Note that they're on the drive, it wouldn't start and required a second bump. Unfortunately the key was a bit dickie and wouldn't start the car. With our tails between our legs we headed back to the seller and asked him to start it for us. 2 minutes later we were filled up with tyres checked (pressures unbelievably low, like 0.8bar). Off we went.
Once we got it back, we set about a more detailed inspection and a chat about how well it conquered the A52. The outcome of this was generally very negative. Problems identified were as follows:
[LIST]
[*]Serious wheel wobble at 60mph+
[*]No power steering
[*]Whereabouts of the locking wheel nut key
[*]Rear brakes don't work AT ALL
[*]Handbrake doesn't work
[*]The boot lid lifts at c.60mph
[*]Windscreen wipers were useless
[*]The N/S electric mirror didn't work
[*]HUGE hole in the back box
[/LIST]
However, we had just bought a car with front AND REAR strut braces, a spoiler, working aircon, 5 alloys, brake callipers pre-painted red, bodykit, GTI badges, a steering wheel in common with a Skyline and to top it all a car with original dealer plates, rear window sticker and tax disc holder - we were chuffed! Some pictures...
Rear qtr damage:
One of the problems I didn't mention earlier was that the N/S rear of the car sounded much noisier from the inside than the other. On further inspection we found this...
Combined with the other issues our first thought was of course "how the hell did this get through an MOT!".
Following some investigations, we traced the reason down to a simple formula:
The owner at time of MOT was a woman (I'm reluctant to say lady). This woman + rather substantial lump of congealed man custard in the N/S rear passenger pocket and associated stains on the rear seat we concluded must = MOT certificate.
Ironically, the test centre was located on Easy Road. Oh, how we laughed...
A couple of weekends and a trek up to Sheffield - to fetch some replacement rear brake callipers and discs - later, followed by an obligatory trip to the paradise that is Albert Looms Breakers, we set about conducting some mods and repairs as follows:
[LIST]
[*]On went the new brake gear accompanied by a lovely lovely bleed
[*]Handbrake cable was free'd up so handbrake turns were back on the agenda
[*]The side-skirts were re-attched using self tappers
[*]Filled it with Castrol GTX (wrong weight but close enough)
[*]Treated the radiator to some Radweld
[*]Watched power steering fluid pour straight back out of the car onto the drive
[*]The hole in the backbox had a coke can riveted over it
[*]Tread-iest tyres switched to the front
[*]Rear dent was attacked with a hammer
[*]Jizz stains removed as far as possible
[*]Shed lock and padlock fitted to boot lid for Thatcham beating security
[*]De-wipered the rear
[*]Awesome cassette holder from a Primera fitted and cubby hole relocated to stereo port (recommended mod)
[/LIST]
Fast forward a few days and discussions, we decided the paintwork needed attention as well as the rust and obvious damage. We decided the best way to go about this was to kill two birds with one stone. How do you do that? I hear you ask. Simple...HAMMERITE!
Two tins'll get you a couple of coats and guarantee no further rust for 8yrs! None of this air gun and masking nonsense, we just cracked on with it. We were pretty pleased with the results...
A shame to lose the "RARE" black but this looked the business - why they didn't offer yellow as standard I'll never know. The pictures don't do it justice, this car looked badass.
To finish we re-attached the GTI badges and added some of those we'd collected from Looms, namely a Merc, 2x BMW, new Almera and Turbo badges.
Given the success of our visual modification efforts so far, we decided to start taking it seriously and go with a theme. Many long nights were spent discussing which direction we ought to be going in. This car was a good example of a future, and rare, classic and we wanted to do it justice. We went through a few options:
[LIST]
[*]Euro
[*]Rat-look
[*]Sleeper
[*]Max Power
[*]Clean and original
[*]Race livery (Ripspeed and Castrol stickers, that sort of thing)
[/LIST]
...In the end we decided on Thunderbirds.
So, ahead we went. Given that we already had the yellow bodywork sorted, we decided Thurderbird 4 was to be our chosen inspiration. For those unfamilliar with programs of the strung variety, this is what we were going for...
This decision led to another long night in the garage (we don't like to hang about). Here's how we set about it:
[LIST]
[*]Fin made from MDF
[*]Bracket bolted straight through the roof
[*]Stencils made for the writing (we're perfectionists - any sort of skew was not an option)
[*]Red stripes added accordingly
[*]Drain pipe cut in half and self-tapped to the car as thrusters
[*]Window seals re-touched with permenant marker
[*]Bonnet scoops from the Impreza we found in Looms attached
[/LIST]
And the result, I think you'll agree, was bloody impressive!...
Uber-proud of our efforts, we decided it was time to get some insurance and reveal this beast to the UK public. Following a mis-timed trip to the local dogging spot for some hand brake turns as strange old men looked on, we made our way to the Wyvern, Derby's premier modified car scene.
We nervously arrived at the McDonalds carpark and pulled up amongst various modified Golfs and other VAG product. We popped the bonnet, as you do, to show off our potent 2.0 ltr 16v power house and watched as the crowd drew.
The car went down a storm! No other car has ever seen so much attention at a meet. We were humbled at the attention and compliments it drew. People were even making offers on it! So much so that we briefly considered going into Thunderbird conversions full time. (Could still be persuaded - PM for details).
Over the next few days we ragged it to within an inch of its life before the fun really started...
So, what has all this REALLY been in aid of? Well, we bought the car for a trip from Calais to Valencia via Italy and finishing with the Tomatina in Brunol (I would just like to add that I'd never before considered tomatoes sexy, but seeing some of these scantily clad chicas covered in it, my mind has been changed).
We drove off down to Dover to get the ferry. We posted up on here suggesting a last minute meet but unfortunately nothing came of it. Disappointed - come on guys...
We had lots of photos taken and managed to get a feature on Italian TV (right place right time). Here we are coming off the ferry...
Bad news was that almost as soon as we hit Calais (what a hole), we noticed a whine from the gearbox. We soon concluded that there was nothing we could do about it and, as such, continued to wring the cars neck down through France to the Alps, which made for some excellent driving, and the Pyranees, which felt like a WRC stage in parts - lovely stuff. Anyway, some pics...
Parked up at our Calais hotel for the night. Sump only got a bit scraped on the curb...
We stopped by Monaco to show these rich people and F1 drivers what a proper car looks like - McLaren what?...
Fogs on ready for a lap of the Monaco F1 circuit, obviously...
Alpine times
Compote featured heavily
Almost as beautiful as our car
Proof we actually made it to Valencia. Didn't make it into the strip club though - not that you need it with a pussy-wagon like this.
The journey wasn't without its troubles though. In Perpignan the car took at bit of a bump, front and rear - bit of an Almera sandwich really. We lost the rear bumper which was simply cable tied back on but it was game over for the rear skirt. Henceforth, bin...
The front shunt meant a bent bonnet and a cracked bumper and grill. After the work we'd put in, we weren't in the least bit happy, as you can probably imagine. It's as if they didn't appreciate Almera GTIs as they should - heathens.
We then had a run in with armed Spanish police who pulled us over on suspicion of having weapons, drugs and a stolen vehicle. Given the profile of the seller of this car, it was a bit of a twitchy bum moment when they went looking for drugs, luckily he'd cleared it out prior to sale. We were also asked whether the car was safe, obvioulsy we lied and showed him the MOT...
Anyway, we were searched thoroughly, as was the car while we stood opposite a fire-arm at the side of the road. Luckily, we escaped with our rectums no more tampered with than they were previously - quite the relief.
So, our trip had come to an end and it was time to get back to the UK. Bad news was we didn't fancy the drive back so it was time for the car to meet its maker. If you need any GTI bits, there's a scrappers just outside Valencia with one at the moment., I can probably get you the address/number if you want it, PM for details...
A shame yes, but it did get a decent send-off. The Almera phase of our lives has now come to an end - will we return? Doubt it. It's a bit like picking chicken nuggets when there's steak on offer, there's just nicer to be had...
Comments and criticism welcome.
Much Love,
APM.
Edited by AlmeraPoonMan on Sunday 8th September 00:34
Edited by AlmeraPoonMan on Sunday 8th September 09:19
Edited by AlmeraPoonMan on Sunday 8th September 09:21
Edited by AlmeraPoonMan on Sunday 8th September 09:48
Looks like you guys had some fun, great read!
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