Issues with school and my self harming daughter

[mydaughtersdad]

Right - I'm a regular poster on PH, but have signed in under a new login for reasons that will be obvious on reading!


This isn't an easy thing to write, so bear with me if it's a bit garbled, but I'll do my best.



I've known for a few months that my 15 yo daughter has been self harming, but her mother (we are separated but on good terms) have not been able to get to the bottom of the reasons why. Today, we pretty much discovered the issues behind it, and I'm a little shell shocked, to say the least.


We have obviously been worried about the self harming for some time now - she ( Lets call her E) has been to see her doctor and also a school based counselor, but there hasn't been any improvement, and today we found out why.


It seems that most of her troubles are down to the fact that there apparently exists a photo, (taken from Skype) of her exposing her breasts when chatting to her then boyfriend, earlier in the year.

This photo has been doing the rounds of the school this lad (we'll call him J) attends, and is apparently common knowledge at her school. The explanation from the lad concerned is that somebody else took it off his phone, but I'd be amazed if that's the truth, but that's not really the issue.

Today, her mum was told that both E and J's school have been aware of this photo "doing the rounds" for several months. The two schools have both had a chat with the groups of children concerned and this has apparently been deemed to have been "dealt with". At no point did my daughter's school deem it appropriate to contact her mother and inform her of what they knew, despite being aware she was receiving counseling for the self harm issue.

I'm flabbergasted that this should be the case, and I will be contacting them tomorrow to seek an urgent meeting with the School's Child Protection Officer.

What I'm really after is some guidance and thoughts on this issue, both from a point of view of helping my daughter, and dealing with the school.

FWIW, this isn't some grotty school - it's a well regarded selective school that achieved "Outstanding" on it's last OFSTED, and my daughter is a bright and able pupil.

If I can think of anything else relevant, I will add it.

I would post this in the Lounge, as it possibly needs a wider audience, but obviously can't due to posting restrictions for new members.

I'll also be doing some background research around Child Protection Officers and their role myself, but I know that PH is a mine of useful info at times, so I thought I'd try here as well.


Quite an eventful morning all in all - my daughter seems to be outwardly OK this afternoon after this has all come out into the open (we've obviously told her what we know), but who knows?

I'm scared that she might do something terrible - and that's not something I ever wanted to write about my own child.

I left her this afternoon by telling her how much I loved her and that if she ever needed anything, that I'd be there for her and try and help however I can, but we've had that conversation before, when I noticed she was self harming.

[jimmyone]

Dont normally reply to posts like this, as ive got nothing i can say to help, and there are far more qualified people who can help you on this subject
but felt it just might help you to know there are loads of PHers out there who will be thinkin of you
Wishin all the best for your wee girl

[Getragdogleg]

The main thing is to let your daughter know that it is not a big deal, tell her it doesn't matter, tell her anything to stop her worrying, tell her you love her, tell her it is nothing to be ashamed of, tell her loads of women go topless on the beach and it all is a big fuss about nothing.

Spend time with her, go and do something fun just the two of you.

Give the school absolute fk by all means but don't let her know about that.

Basically, be her dad.

[oldbanger]

So sorry to your poor daughter to find herself in this situation.

My personal experience of self harming is that, whilst there is some overlap with suicidality, it's not one and the same. Many people who self harm do it as a *survival* strategy to relieve emotional pain - they do it for the endorphins - as well as also possibly as a cry for help (as it externalises the signs of otherwise invisible pain).

The thing is, for many people who self harm, if they don't learn another effective coping strategy, this behaviour becomes habitual. So anything you and mum can offer her (e.g. counselling, psychotherapy etc) then that may teach alternatives to the self harming. Even something like EMDR may be beneficial if there is a traumatic experience fuelling the behaviour.

I've no idea how you'd get an incriminating photo out of circulation though, not in this day and age where everyone has a smart phone. I feel very sorry for kids these days that their silly indiscretions can and do spread far and wide, and not be forgotten.

The previous poster is right though, this will pass, eventually, it's just a case of getting her through it (the "scandal"), for however long it takes.

[mydaughtersdad]

Thanks for the replies.

I have a little experience of self-harm (through a previous relationship), so I'm slightly aware of the reasons behind it. She did admit today that the fact that it's all out in the open now is kind of a relief. Hopefully it might help with the self harming, though I know it can be a difficult habit to break.

I've seen it described as the pain from self harming takes over from whatever other psychological pain the harmer is feeling, and thus acts as a form of release.


My main focus right now is the school's Child Protection Officer, who seems to have not fulfilled her role too well. I still can't believe no contact was sought with her mum. There surely can't be a duty of confidentiality to my daughter, as it is A) common knowledge, and B) wasn't bought to the school's attention by her in the first place!

Both the school seems to have known about it for at least three months, and possibly more.

[Mobile Chicane]

Getragdogleg said:

The main thing is to let your daughter know that it is not a big deal, tell her it doesn't matter, tell her anything to stop her worrying, tell her you love her, tell her it is nothing to be ashamed of, tell her loads of women go topless on the beach and it all is a big fuss about nothing.

Spend time with her, go and do something fun just the two of you.

Give the school absolute fk by all means but don't let her know about that.

Basically, be her dad.

^^^ This I think.

[mydaughtersdad]

Mobile Chicane said:

Getragdogleg said:

The main thing is to let your daughter know that it is not a big deal, tell her it doesn't matter, tell her anything to stop her worrying, tell her you love her, tell her it is nothing to be ashamed of, tell her loads of women go topless on the beach and it all is a big fuss about nothing.

Spend time with her, go and do something fun just the two of you.

Give the school absolute fk by all means but don't let her know about that.

Basically, be her dad.

^^^ This I think.

We've covered most of that!

Cheers.

[trevt]

Sorry to here your story.

Being a father I can understand your angst and anger at the school. Being a school governor I know they should have done more, but a ranting unprepared parent isn't going to get far. My first action would be to get the schools child protection policy - this is public and should be on their website. Read it and see whether they have followed process.

If they have you need to ask them why they considered action taken to be reasonable. Hear what they say, think about and then go back.

If they haven't followed process - point out the failings, ask for an explanation and then ask above question.

Best advice I can give is listen and take your time reacting. Then at second meeting propose and agree a way forward. If you've got evidence they didn't follow process and/or are "reasonable" rather than angry they'll work with you much better.

Good luck

[mydaughtersdad]

Thanks Trevt.

I have been on the schools website, but so far I haven't found anything. I'm doing quite a bit of reading around the CPO issue, so I know where I stand, as you say.

I don't intend to go in ranting - I'll have a clear and structured series of questions, and I'll be wanting to know how the school plan on addressing this issue. Their attitude will entirely dictate mine, so to speak.

Thanks for the pointers.

[mydaughtersdad]

The school's response was to group all the people concerned, and tell them that if this behaviour continued then they might have to involve the Police, which I would think would humiliate my daughter far more than me asking the school some potentially tough questions.

[NDA]

I have a daughter the same age - so I can imagine how upsetting it is to know that she is obviously worrying, deeply worrying about this. It's bullying and I'd be furious with those that have circulated her picture.

But the best advice has been given. It's not a biggie, girls go topless. So what?

.....and hope it gradually persuades her to put it into perspective. Obviously it's tough being a girl at this age, they're very body conscious and would hate to be the surce of any jokes.

Hopefully you can make lots of reassuring contact with her and her mum can keep a close eye on her?

Will she switch schools after GCSE's?

[VinceFox]

She needs steering very carefully to take control and power back over her circumstances. Continue to help her build the belief into realisation that the picture being out there doesn't matter. This is a tortuous journey but the right one.

Good luck.

[Steffan]

mydaughtersdad said:

Thanks Trevt.

I have been on the schools website, but so far I haven't found anything. I'm doing quite a bit of reading around the CPO issue, so I know where I stand, as you say.

I don't intend to go in ranting - I'll have a clear and structured series of questions, and I'll be wanting to know how the school plan on addressing this issue. Their attitude will entirely dictate mine, so to speak.

Thanks for the pointers.

I have read through the whole if this topic and I do hope you are able to reassure your daughter and assist her to reestablish her sense of worth and wellbeing in the manner suggested by many. I do not know how I would have reacted in similar circumstances which thankfully I have never faced and I am very sorry to hear of this matter.

However whilst I can understand your concern with the actions of the school which you clearly think to be improper and inadequate I would caution against possibly causing further difficulty by exacerbating the rift between family and her school. You may find the school defends its position and pressing further will just emphasise the problem further rather than resolving any issues. I do wonder whether this will achieve the the support that your daughter and family and I am unconvinced that further disputes would in any way achieve that.

In short I would caution against making matters more difficult even if the original intention is to achieve equity in the policy of the school. Your daughter must surely be the primary focus of your concern as I am sure she is and if therefore there is a rift between your family and the school I think this might be counter productive. I wish both you and your daughter well in resolving the problem.

[Getragdogleg]

Vajazzle said:

As a parent you're screwed, nothing you say or do will help her, and going through the school will only add to her humiliation. You need to have a word with her friends, they're the ones that can help her.

As a parent your main job is to ensure the child is given all the "tools" to survive life, food, shelter and stability are the main ones but almost as important as these is the ability to deal with social situations both good and bad.

My parents were of the light touch variety and would rescue me from situations I had got myself in once it became apparent I was out of my depth. This approach does not work for everyone but they recognised that I had an independent streak a mile wide and that this was the best way. My sister was very different and this method failed her totally, she needed a strong father who gave her boundaries and enforced those boundaries when they were transgressed. My sister is even now quote prone to depression and she lacks direction in life, cannot stick a job out for more than a few months and is always looking for a something she cannot find.

Work out who your daughter is, spend lots of time with her but don't talk about this problem unless she wants to, you need to give her the tools for this life from your experiences and help her be a happy adult. In my experience women who have problems often have weak or missing fathers, a strong father who is dependable sets the example of what men are supposed to be like, too many women put up with bad relationships with crap men because they have no benchmark.

Showing your tits to a bloke you like is not a problem

Not having the ability to work out what could go wrong before you show them is the problem.

The Boy-man you showed them to not having the respect to keep it to himself is another problem but if your dad had taught you that men are often like this then there would be no discussion and you would have kept it all buttoned.

[mydaughtersdad]

Thanks for the replies.

I can't think there would have be any privacy issues in telling us. They were happy to discuss it with a large group of pupils, and I'm not aware that my daughter has told them anything at all about it.

I can't really discuss how we were informed, but it wasn't via anybody concerned with my daughters school.

Just seems dangerous that we were not informed. A girl in my home town killed herself recently over cyber bullying - it doesn't bear thinking about.


I know it's important to help her get a sense of perspective on this, and that is what we are working on. Trouble is, her mother's side of the family are deeply religious, and I think this whole thing has rather shaken them a bit. They don't really live in the real world half the time.


As for moving schools, I don't think it's the right thing to do. These days, there is no escape from this sort of thing. It's more important she learns to deal with it properly, and move on.

[Steffan]

mydaughtersdad said:

Thanks for the replies.

I can't think there would have be any privacy issues in telling us. They were happy to discuss it with a large group of pupils, and I'm not aware that my daughter has told them anything at all about it.

I can't really discuss how we were informed, but it wasn't via anybody concerned with my daughters school.

Just seems dangerous that we were not informed. A girl in my home town killed herself recently over cyber bullying - it doesn't bear thinking about.


I know it's important to help her get a sense of perspective on this, and that is what we are working on. Trouble is, her mother's side of the family are deeply religious, and I think this whole thing has rather shaken them a bit. They don't really live in the real world half the time.


As for moving schools, I don't think it's the right thing to do. These days, there is no escape from this sort of thing. It's more important she learns to deal with it properly, and move on.

I wish you well. I can see that this is not a simple matter. There, but for fortune, go most parents.

[Slagathore]

I wonder what the legal aspect of this is? Must be some sort of offence to circulate pictures of an underage girl?

I'd discretely discuss it with the school, it'll soon blow over.

Most people will have forgotten it by next year.

[Getragdogleg]

Slagathore said:

I wonder what the legal aspect of this is? Must be some sort of offence to circulate pictures of an underage girl?

I'd discretely discuss it with the school, it'll soon blow over.

Most people will have forgotten it by next year.

I did wonder about the legal side, a little word from a BiB to the boy who has the pics on his phone would put the sts up him and teach him a boundary or two.

That little git needs a lesson in respect regardless of who circulated the pic, he took it and allowed it to be made public, either on purpose or by carelessness. He needs a share of this problem. it is only fair.

[Steffan]

Slagathore said:

I wonder what the legal aspect of this is? Must be some sort of offence to circulate pictures of an underage girl?

I'd discretely discuss it with the school, it'll soon blow over.

Most people will have forgotten it by next year.

I do hope this proves to be correct. Your daughter needs to move on, when she can.I do think that the least said may well be the best way to mend soonest. Hence my concern at continuing the matter.

[mydaughtersdad]

If it was just a case of a topless pic, then all the fuss would doubtless blow over if we did nothing.

The issue is, that she is self harming. Not dealing with things won't help matters in that respect IMO - all the problems are interlinked.

I'd agree that the little st who had the picture needs dealing with, but my daughter is a trusting soul, and is still friends with him for some reason. It's a tricky one as to if getting the lad dealt with would make matters better or worse.