Children at Funerals
Discussion
Just wanted what the General feeling is regarding young children at a Family Funeral.
My Daughter and her babies father had split up soon after their child was born. Lets call the child Megan.
The Fathers Mother is very ill with an aggressive form of Cancer. She was expected to be gone around Christmas, 5 months ago but is still hanging in there.
Our Family do not get on with the other lot. We all have had many arguments amongst us and many wrong things have been said. The ill mother has said the nastiest things and we more or less hate her but this illness has put things into perspective. We are all sorry for her, it's not something that we, our family, take any comfort from. It's terrible for the poor old gal and we are very sorry.
Anyway, my Grandaughter, Megan, calls the old Gal Grandma, because that's what she is and Megan knows that her Grandma is very ill but thinks she will get better, sadly not.
However, the inevitable will eventually happen and 1 or 2 of our Family are wondering if it would be right to let the 6 year old Megan attend the Funeral of her Grandma, when it happens.
I don't think she should attend. Megan's Mother, my Daughter, goes for the easy life so will be pressured by Grandmas Son, Megan's Father as he will want Megan there, simply cos he is a childish and selfish Wally.
Enough of that slagging off...
I think Megan should NOT attend. I have seen young children at a Funeral before and though they are genuinely upset I feel it's more of a mental and stressful affair for a young child especially seeing many other grieving relatives together.
Megan has recently been crying for "no reason" and refusing to go to school and I wonder if this Grandma situation is causing this as its only come on the past few months.
Megan does talk to us about her Grandma as we encourage her to talk about her for her own memories.
What do you PHers think the stance should be regarding allowing a 6 year old to go to an Immediate Family members Funeral.
Serious replies please...
Thanks...
My Daughter and her babies father had split up soon after their child was born. Lets call the child Megan.
The Fathers Mother is very ill with an aggressive form of Cancer. She was expected to be gone around Christmas, 5 months ago but is still hanging in there.
Our Family do not get on with the other lot. We all have had many arguments amongst us and many wrong things have been said. The ill mother has said the nastiest things and we more or less hate her but this illness has put things into perspective. We are all sorry for her, it's not something that we, our family, take any comfort from. It's terrible for the poor old gal and we are very sorry.
Anyway, my Grandaughter, Megan, calls the old Gal Grandma, because that's what she is and Megan knows that her Grandma is very ill but thinks she will get better, sadly not.
However, the inevitable will eventually happen and 1 or 2 of our Family are wondering if it would be right to let the 6 year old Megan attend the Funeral of her Grandma, when it happens.
I don't think she should attend. Megan's Mother, my Daughter, goes for the easy life so will be pressured by Grandmas Son, Megan's Father as he will want Megan there, simply cos he is a childish and selfish Wally.
Enough of that slagging off...
I think Megan should NOT attend. I have seen young children at a Funeral before and though they are genuinely upset I feel it's more of a mental and stressful affair for a young child especially seeing many other grieving relatives together.
Megan has recently been crying for "no reason" and refusing to go to school and I wonder if this Grandma situation is causing this as its only come on the past few months.
Megan does talk to us about her Grandma as we encourage her to talk about her for her own memories.
What do you PHers think the stance should be regarding allowing a 6 year old to go to an Immediate Family members Funeral.
Serious replies please...
Thanks...
TBH I think you're wrong in not wanting to take her, even if you motive is one of protecting her from emotional pain. Which might be the case in the very short term, but denying her the chance to say goodbye to someone she loved can backfire longer term. If/when it does happen you'll need to have a discussion about what happens when people don't recover from illnesses & so on, maybe even put something about souls & "better places" in there, in a non-denominational sort of way ... IIRC 5 years is the age kids are reckoned to be intellectually capable of understanding the concept of death.
(I think I was around then (pet mice, great granparents, etc) ... I know younger isn't - my neighbour had to pick up one of my cats from the road a couple of years ago, I went round to thank her & and at that moment their near identical mog ran in to their house; her 4yo, who hadn't grasped the permanence of the situation, yelled out "Cat! You're not dead any more!")
(I think I was around then (pet mice, great granparents, etc) ... I know younger isn't - my neighbour had to pick up one of my cats from the road a couple of years ago, I went round to thank her & and at that moment their near identical mog ran in to their house; her 4yo, who hadn't grasped the permanence of the situation, yelled out "Cat! You're not dead any more!")
I took a 3 and 6 year old to a family funeral against the opinions of the rest of the (in laws) family
f
k 'em was my main motivationGran loved them, they loved Gran and Gran would have bloody well wanted them there
They were the only children present
It was a lovely day under the circumstances
The kids were absolutely fine
Obviously I cannot draw assumptions about your child, however we are culturally squeamish about death in this country yet its a daily occurrence
Best of luck
Muffsy said:
and we more or less hate her
A lot of hatred...
I don't think you should be getting involved in whether your granddaughter should attend the funeral of her other grandmother. This is a call for her mum and dad to make, not you. Don't get involved.
And yes, I think a 6 year old should attend a funeral, especially her grandmother. Why wouldn't she?!
Far more harm are done to children by families arguing and hating each other...funerals are an essential component to enable everyone to grieve properly.
MYOB said:
Muffsy said:
and we more or less hate her
A lot of hatred...I don't think you should be getting involved in whether your granddaughter should attend the funeral of her other grandmother. This is a call for her mum and dad to make, not you. Don't get involved.
And yes, I think a 6 year old should attend a funeral, especially her grandmother. Why wouldn't she?!
Far more harm are done to children by families arguing and hating each other...funerals are an essential component to enable everyone to grieve properly.
Megan has recently been crying for "no reason" and refusing to go to school and I wonder if this Grandma situation is causing this as its only come on the past few months.
She probably also senses that the there is alot of anger and conflict going on regarding the whole situation and is very confused, children aren't stupid and know exactly when things are going on and when there is conflict.
My opinion; if she wants to attend then she should be allowed to, children are far more resiliant to this sort of thing than most think and it will be a good lesson for her regarding mortality and what happens, also she will be able to say goodye, don't let your hatred of this person drag you into this situation and to cloud your judgement and thinking of the subject, as in all honsesty it has nothing to do with you if she attends or not, you should drop it and let your daughter decide what is best for "Megan".
She probably also senses that the there is alot of anger and conflict going on regarding the whole situation and is very confused, children aren't stupid and know exactly when things are going on and when there is conflict.
My opinion; if she wants to attend then she should be allowed to, children are far more resiliant to this sort of thing than most think and it will be a good lesson for her regarding mortality and what happens, also she will be able to say goodye, don't let your hatred of this person drag you into this situation and to cloud your judgement and thinking of the subject, as in all honsesty it has nothing to do with you if she attends or not, you should drop it and let your daughter decide what is best for "Megan".
I would definitely take her. There's a double effect: she is more than old enough to NEED the closure of saying goodbye to her grandma and seeing that everyone else is too, it will validate her grief and give her a context for it. But also... children are life, the future. A bit of sunshine on a very sad day might help many other people there too (as long as all adults on both sides behave like civilised human beings).
I was 9 years old when my favourite relation, my great grandma, died suddenly. I really wanted to attend the funeral but nothing I could say to my parents would convince them it was a good idea so I wasn't able to attend. This left quite an impression on me & quite honestly it did affect my relationship with them for some time. I know they thought they were doing what they thought was right, but even now almost 50 years later it hurts whenever I think about it.
As an aside I have always thought it very strange that the subject of death & how it affects people was not taught at school. After all it will happen to every single one of us & is very natural, & talking openly about a subject that will impact on everyone at some point would surely be better than it being classed as "grown up talk", & adults clamming up when children are present?
As an aside I have always thought it very strange that the subject of death & how it affects people was not taught at school. After all it will happen to every single one of us & is very natural, & talking openly about a subject that will impact on everyone at some point would surely be better than it being classed as "grown up talk", & adults clamming up when children are present?
WinstonWolf said:
Ask her should the time come. If she wants to go, let her, if not, don't make her.
We did this. My two had four great-grandparents when they were born and now have none. When two of them dies we decided they were too young (4 and 2) at the time but when my wife's nan died we talked about death and funerals and asked them if they wanted to go. They both said yes and we took them. I'd like to think it's given them a better understanding of life and death.However we didn't take them to the funeral of the last great-grandparent. It was always going to be a more sombre occasion and it was during term time.
I appreciate all the replies...
Some great thoughts there and they have no doubt helped greatly...
RedCarsAnonymous said:
TBH I think you're wrong in not wanting to take her, even if you motive is one of protecting her from emotional pain. Which might be the case in the very short term, but denying her the chance to say goodbye to someone she loved can backfire longer term.
That is exactly the problem. I was denied my Grandfathers Funeral at 9yrs old. Though I don't look back in anger, it does rankle that everybody else's kids, younger and older were there as was my Brother who is 3 yr older.numtumfutunch said:
fk 'em was my main motivation
Gran loved them, they loved Gran and Gran would have bloody well wanted them there
That is so very True but it's not that people don't want her there. This is a Family discussion just preparing for when it happens.k 'em was my main motivationGran loved them, they loved Gran and Gran would have bloody well wanted them there
Sid's Dad said:
It's good for children to learn about death, and a grandparents funeral is the right sort of way to be introduced to it. The hatred and discord in her own family is far more likely to damage her than going to a funeral.
We do not ever see the other Family and we do not in any way bicker or slag anybody off or argue about them. The trouble between the Families was caused during Megan's parents split. It's now amicable. Both families have Megan's best interests at heart. We ask Megan how her Visits are and we ask her about her Grandma is and she responds happily and tells us how she (grandma) is coping. She will not be damaged by any goings on, no doubt about it.
BlackVanDyke said:
I would definitely take her. There's a double effect: she is more than old enough to NEED the closure of saying goodbye to her grandma and seeing that everyone else is too, it will validate her grief and give her a context for it. But also... children are life, the future. A bit of sunshine on a very sad day might help many other people there too (as long as all adults on both sides behave like civilised human beings).
Brilliant answer...I think this has swayed my earlier decision. Though the decision is not mine. WinstonWolf said:
Ask her should the time come. If she wants to go, let her, if not, don't make her.
Definitely. I think she will want to go.ClaphamGT3 said:
You're a grandparent; keep your nose out - it's a matter for the child's parents, not interfering extended family members
An idiots comment...as you say, I'm just the Grandparent, our Daughter has asked our opinion and though I originally was doubtful, I have been swayed by some genuine comments. If my nose is needed, I will put it in.Many Thanks everyone can I just add that the reason I asked on here was because the day before we were talking to Megan at the Dinner table about her Grandma and Megan said that Grandma is getting better now. She walked a couple steps further. We could only say that's brilliant but we know her hopes are getting built up for nothing but we left it at that.
So that is the Dilemma.
I think she should go. Children have their own way of processing and for a love that is so obviously great, she will need to say goodbye. No matter how distressing it may be. Family politics should not get in the way. Better to go and deal with the consequences than have a child grow up and later wish she had gone and then think that your views stopped her...
Don't go down this road, whether it be the truth or not, if your family is half as spikey as you write, this will come back to err... Haunt you.
Don't go down this road, whether it be the truth or not, if your family is half as spikey as you write, this will come back to err... Haunt you.
drivin_me_nuts said:
I think she should go. Children have their own way of processing and for a love that is so obviously great, she will need to say goodbye. No matter how distressing it may be. Family politics should not get in the way. Better to go and deal with the consequences than have a child grow up and later wish she had gone and then think that your views stopped her...
Don't go down this road, whether it be the truth or not, if your family is half as spikey as you write, this will come back to err... Haunt you.
Ooohh...but True.Don't go down this road, whether it be the truth or not, if your family is half as spikey as you write, this will come back to err... Haunt you.
Tiggsy said:
OP...would megan go to your funeral??
.
This, if the situation were reversed and it were your funeral being planned, as her grandparent would you want Megan to be there? Would your daughter even be asking?.
Take away the hatred in the families because this isn't about that. It's about a little girl that loves her Grandma, and her Grandma loves her; all too often in messy splits the grandparents & child's feelings for each other get forgotten
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