Here goes nothing!
Discussion
Firstly, some apologies. This is a post about my relationship. Sorry if it seems self-indulgent but I would like some sensible anonymous advice as I can’t really talk to anyone else about it at the moment.
I have set up a new user name as I know a few people here and I would rather not link this to my usual account. I am also posting here because I cannot post in the lounge as a new user.
As I said I would value some genuine feedback. I know this is Pistonheads and there will be no end of people lining up to tell me to MTFU etc.. That’s all very amusing but if that’s all you have to contribute to this then I’d rather you just kept quiet if that’s ok.
The situation is this. I have been in a relationship for about three years. I live with my girlfriend at her place and all is well for the most part. My main gripes are that my girlfriend isn’t much of a ‘touchy feely’ person and she doesn’t express much affection. Sometimes I feel like she’s not interested in me and that affection on her part is lacking. Like I say we get on fine but I sometimes feel more like a flatmate than a boyfriend. I feel like we have stagnated and I don’t know where to go from here.
The recent spanner in the works is the girl I work with. She’s been here nearly a year and we’ve always got on well. She’s pretty, intelligent and shares my sense of humour (something that my girlfriend just seems to tolerate) Recently though I heard she’d got a boyfriend. I was really surprised at my reaction to that news. I really felt like my insides had been torn out. I had an overwhelming feeling of jealousy and sadness. I thought that might go away but its been three weeks now and I still feel the same.
Every time I see her I have this feeling and while I have been trying to maintain a professional relationship, I just hurt inside. I have also found that my feelings toward my girlfriend have been affected as now I’m fixating on the negative aspects rather than the positive. My colleague is in many ways everything my girlfriend isn’t and while I realise that an office fling is a bad idea in so many ways, I can’t help but wonder ‘what if…’
I feel like I’m in an impossible situation, If I decide to leave my girlfriend in the hope I could find someone like my colleague, I have nothing. No house and no prospect of finding someone else anytime soon. If I say something to my colleague, I risk damaging our working relationship and she has a boyfriend anyway so that’s a non starter.
I think that my feelings toward my colleague have maybe served to highlight deficiencies in my own relationship but I don’t know how to raise those issues as neither of us are terribly good at expressing our thoughts. In the mean time I am left sat across the office looking at this gorgeous exciting person who I can never have and its eating me up inside.
Has anyone been in a similar situation to me and how would you suggest I deal/cope with it? Sorry for the long post.
I have set up a new user name as I know a few people here and I would rather not link this to my usual account. I am also posting here because I cannot post in the lounge as a new user.
As I said I would value some genuine feedback. I know this is Pistonheads and there will be no end of people lining up to tell me to MTFU etc.. That’s all very amusing but if that’s all you have to contribute to this then I’d rather you just kept quiet if that’s ok.
The situation is this. I have been in a relationship for about three years. I live with my girlfriend at her place and all is well for the most part. My main gripes are that my girlfriend isn’t much of a ‘touchy feely’ person and she doesn’t express much affection. Sometimes I feel like she’s not interested in me and that affection on her part is lacking. Like I say we get on fine but I sometimes feel more like a flatmate than a boyfriend. I feel like we have stagnated and I don’t know where to go from here.
The recent spanner in the works is the girl I work with. She’s been here nearly a year and we’ve always got on well. She’s pretty, intelligent and shares my sense of humour (something that my girlfriend just seems to tolerate) Recently though I heard she’d got a boyfriend. I was really surprised at my reaction to that news. I really felt like my insides had been torn out. I had an overwhelming feeling of jealousy and sadness. I thought that might go away but its been three weeks now and I still feel the same.
Every time I see her I have this feeling and while I have been trying to maintain a professional relationship, I just hurt inside. I have also found that my feelings toward my girlfriend have been affected as now I’m fixating on the negative aspects rather than the positive. My colleague is in many ways everything my girlfriend isn’t and while I realise that an office fling is a bad idea in so many ways, I can’t help but wonder ‘what if…’
I feel like I’m in an impossible situation, If I decide to leave my girlfriend in the hope I could find someone like my colleague, I have nothing. No house and no prospect of finding someone else anytime soon. If I say something to my colleague, I risk damaging our working relationship and she has a boyfriend anyway so that’s a non starter.
I think that my feelings toward my colleague have maybe served to highlight deficiencies in my own relationship but I don’t know how to raise those issues as neither of us are terribly good at expressing our thoughts. In the mean time I am left sat across the office looking at this gorgeous exciting person who I can never have and its eating me up inside.
Has anyone been in a similar situation to me and how would you suggest I deal/cope with it? Sorry for the long post.
hornetrider said:
Forget the bint for a minute. If your GF isn't right for you - walk. You'll always meet someone else who is more suited to you.
This 1000 times over.You sound like you're coming to the end of your relationship with your GF so do yourself and her a favour and move on. All this stuff about not having a house etc can easily be sorted out and you'll find you're much happier a few months down the line.
Sorry to say this, but the girl at work probably doesn't feel the same about you, otherwise she would not just have got herself a b/f. You need to forget about her. Alternatively, when you do become single, she'll see you two get on great and let you know she feels the same about you too at which point she'll ditch her new b/f to be with you.
Above posters are all correct. You need to sort out the GF and house issue (and yes, I realise that's easy to write on a forum and massively more difficult in practice - but that's what you've got to do) and then look at where and how you move on. Try not to fixate on the work girl. How easy is it for you to move jobs? Don't do everything at once but you might have to do that as well for the sake of your sanity.
(Just to add some PH levity, remember that it'll be Xmas party time soon, maybe you can coax her into the broom cupboard?)
(Just to add some PH levity, remember that it'll be Xmas party time soon, maybe you can coax her into the broom cupboard?)
The issue is not the girl at work.
The big thing is how you feel about your current GF. If you are feeling like your relationship is over - then its over. Worry about a new bit of skirt later.
The secondary issue is that if the other girl was taken (and it sounds like she is) are you going to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of it?
Or, is it worth satying in, and as such the work girl is immaterial.
The big thing is how you feel about your current GF. If you are feeling like your relationship is over - then its over. Worry about a new bit of skirt later.
The secondary issue is that if the other girl was taken (and it sounds like she is) are you going to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of it?
Or, is it worth satying in, and as such the work girl is immaterial.
hornetrider said:
Forget the bint for a minute. If your GF isn't right for you - walk. You'll always meet someone else who is more suited to you.
Best to chat with the current gf about how you feel, could be that she's fed up of you too and wants to move on but not sure how to approach it.
Your relationship is coming to an end it would seem, she, your GF, probably feels the same but the fact you live together and the huge upheaval that would follow a split is clouding your judgement - IMO. If you lived apart would you still be together?
I had this, 7 yr relationship, wasn't working for last 3 but stuck it out for convenience. My GF ended it, fair play to her looking back I am so glad that she did!!!
In terms of the office bird, grass is greener complex playing it's card here don't pin your hopes on it. Sort your current GF out first,l you have a job so you have money so rent your own place and get back playing the field.
I had this, 7 yr relationship, wasn't working for last 3 but stuck it out for convenience. My GF ended it, fair play to her looking back I am so glad that she did!!!
In terms of the office bird, grass is greener complex playing it's card here don't pin your hopes on it. Sort your current GF out first,l you have a job so you have money so rent your own place and get back playing the field.
Thanks for your thoughts everyone. My girlfriend has never been the girly type, she doesn't go in for the public displays of affection but nor do I really. In many ways we are quite similar.
I do love her but the thing that really has scrambled my mind is this girl at work. I've run away from problems in the past, funnily enough in similar circumstances. A girl I worked with didn't feel the same way as I did which gave me the impetus to quit work and go to uni. I dont want to go down that road again though.
I think I need to talk to my girlfriend and find out where we are. The thought of being single frightens me though.
I do love her but the thing that really has scrambled my mind is this girl at work. I've run away from problems in the past, funnily enough in similar circumstances. A girl I worked with didn't feel the same way as I did which gave me the impetus to quit work and go to uni. I dont want to go down that road again though.
I think I need to talk to my girlfriend and find out where we are. The thought of being single frightens me though.
Provided you've got a few good mates to get out on the lash with you'll be fine. Yes it'll take a good few months to get your head around being single and all the time you'll have to yourself but you can redirect that time into other things - going to the gym, going away with your mates, reading the "Match" thread on here to get some tips, joining Tinder etc!!
You can't stay in a stale relationship because it's easier to do so. You'll end up miserable and waste the next years building up to what you need to do now.
You can't stay in a stale relationship because it's easier to do so. You'll end up miserable and waste the next years building up to what you need to do now.
askingfortrouble said:
I'm 31. I'm not exactly a ladies man, it took me years to get this one
Is that part of the problem? You've got one so now you don't bother and neither does she. Do you still buy her flowers take her out for meals etc...? You still need to work at a relationship. I've no idea why so many people decide to co-habit when they aren't serious enough for marriage, strikes me as a boring way to live more than anything. Hardly surprising that things stagnate once you live with someone who isn't the absolute love of your life (which your gf clearly isn't).
Your own lack of self worth is the most concerning aspect of your post though. 31 years old and worried about being alone in the future? Get a grip! Leave your gf as soon as possible and then set about improving yourself. Work harder, earn more, learn something new, get in better shape etc. Make yourself a more attractive all round prospect, thus boosting your own confidence and the rest will follow.
So many decent blokes sell themselves short and settle for mediocre women with poor attitudes, YOU are the prize, not the other way around!
Your own lack of self worth is the most concerning aspect of your post though. 31 years old and worried about being alone in the future? Get a grip! Leave your gf as soon as possible and then set about improving yourself. Work harder, earn more, learn something new, get in better shape etc. Make yourself a more attractive all round prospect, thus boosting your own confidence and the rest will follow.
So many decent blokes sell themselves short and settle for mediocre women with poor attitudes, YOU are the prize, not the other way around!
Having been in a similar situation, except that I went further and told the girl at work how I felt, I'd recommend trying to sort your current relationship - be that 'fix it' or end it before doing anything else.
If it ends then yes, it will be tough for a while, but at 31 you have every chance of being with someone who suits you - be that your current girlfriend, the girl at work or someone new.
Living arrangements, the upheaval of splitting, short term pain etc are all (very real) reasons for delaying making the big decision that actually sounds like it needs making.
If it ends then yes, it will be tough for a while, but at 31 you have every chance of being with someone who suits you - be that your current girlfriend, the girl at work or someone new.
Living arrangements, the upheaval of splitting, short term pain etc are all (very real) reasons for delaying making the big decision that actually sounds like it needs making.
BoRED S2upid said:
Is that part of the problem? You've got one so now you don't bother and neither does she. Do you still buy her flowers take her out for meals etc...? You still need to work at a relationship.
We still do things together but perhaps we have both gotten a bit lazy. I dont want to just end things but we both need to make more of an effort in regards to each other. My colleague is so different, so much more fun and dare I say it, attractive. Am I just attracted to what I cant have? askingfortrouble said:
I'm 31. I'm not exactly a ladies man, it took me years to get this one! The thing that frightens me is that I'll be alone for god knows how long.
31 - mate your in your prime really and more importantly its far more fun being single in your 30s than your 20s as the ladies are more on your wavelength. Basically they are easier ;-) Dont consider staying in a relationship because you are fearful of being single. Maybe if you make it known your single office bird may notice. If she is decent she'll be giving you a wide berth as she knows you've got a bird
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