How To Travel By Train
Discussion
1. Get dropped off by your other half outside the station entrance. Not 3 feet away, OUTSIDE the entrance. Block in other cars if you need to.
2. Find out what platform your train is going from, then walk up to the ticket barrier.
3. Act surprised that you have to have a ticket to get through the barrier. Flap about looking for a ticket office as your train leaves in 30 seconds.
4. Always, always use the ticket office. Never the self service machines. Despite the fact that you're buying a simple day return, the most popular ticket on the machine.
5. When the man in the ticket office tells you how much it is, look blankly at him for a few seconds before getting your money out of your purse/wallet/man bag/giant rucksack.
6. Put ticket and change back into purse/wallet/giant rucksack.
7. Walk the 3 feet back to the ticket barrier. Stand there, blocking everyone else while you unpack your bag again to get the ticket out.
8. Put the ticket into the barrier machine the wrong way. Then put it in the right way. Wait until the man has to come over to tell you that you're putting in the return leg ticket instead.
9. Put in the correct ticket. You're on the platform!
10. Pick a space on the platform to stand.
11. As the train arrives, walk down the platform in the direction the train is travelling for some reason.
12. Try to get on the train before everybody has got off.
13. You simply MUST have a seat at one of those tables. Ignore the fact that every single other seat has its own fold down table, you need a big one. You have stuff to do.
14. Spread all your paperwork, folders, bags and your work laptop over the table, so there's no room for anyone else.
15. Ignore all this and play a game on your phone until.
16. The man with the trolley has arrived. Ask him what he sells, despite it being in clear f
king view on the trolley right next to your fking face.
17. Demand he give you more milk sachets for your £3.50 instant coffee.
18. Only use one, as they're bigger than you thought.
19. Oh no, now you've got an important phone call. Don't move into the vestibule area, despite what the signs say. Shout. Loudly.
20. Shout even louder over the voices of polite people asking you to move to the vestibule, or another carriage.
21. Complain that other people are listening to your conversation.
22. Interrupt yourself when you finally hear the announcement that in order to get off at the station you want to, you need to be in the front half of the train.
23. As you move, make it clear that this is everyone's fault but yours.
24. You can't find a nice double seat in the front half of the train, so you sit in First Class.
25. Refuse to pay the upgrade fare when the ticket man arrives.
26. Trudge back to "normal" class, again, making sure everyone knows this is not your fault at all.
27. As the train leaves the station immediately preceding your destination, rise sharply from your seat, gather all your belongings hurriedly and run towards the nearest doors.
28. Stand there for 20-25 minutes until the train arrives at your destination.
29. Turn around and get off at the door opposite to the one you were standing at.
30. Approach ticket barrier. Queue. Wait until you get there, then begin looking for your ticket in your giant bag.
31. No, that's the receipt.
32. Flounce through and demand to be shown where the taxi rank is, despite it being clearly signposted, and a long line of black cabs clearly visibly waiting at it right outside.
33. Complain to taxi driver how trains are rubbish.
2. Find out what platform your train is going from, then walk up to the ticket barrier.
3. Act surprised that you have to have a ticket to get through the barrier. Flap about looking for a ticket office as your train leaves in 30 seconds.
4. Always, always use the ticket office. Never the self service machines. Despite the fact that you're buying a simple day return, the most popular ticket on the machine.
5. When the man in the ticket office tells you how much it is, look blankly at him for a few seconds before getting your money out of your purse/wallet/man bag/giant rucksack.
6. Put ticket and change back into purse/wallet/giant rucksack.
7. Walk the 3 feet back to the ticket barrier. Stand there, blocking everyone else while you unpack your bag again to get the ticket out.
8. Put the ticket into the barrier machine the wrong way. Then put it in the right way. Wait until the man has to come over to tell you that you're putting in the return leg ticket instead.
9. Put in the correct ticket. You're on the platform!
10. Pick a space on the platform to stand.
11. As the train arrives, walk down the platform in the direction the train is travelling for some reason.
12. Try to get on the train before everybody has got off.
13. You simply MUST have a seat at one of those tables. Ignore the fact that every single other seat has its own fold down table, you need a big one. You have stuff to do.
14. Spread all your paperwork, folders, bags and your work laptop over the table, so there's no room for anyone else.
15. Ignore all this and play a game on your phone until.
16. The man with the trolley has arrived. Ask him what he sells, despite it being in clear f
king view on the trolley right next to your fking face.17. Demand he give you more milk sachets for your £3.50 instant coffee.
18. Only use one, as they're bigger than you thought.
19. Oh no, now you've got an important phone call. Don't move into the vestibule area, despite what the signs say. Shout. Loudly.
20. Shout even louder over the voices of polite people asking you to move to the vestibule, or another carriage.
21. Complain that other people are listening to your conversation.
22. Interrupt yourself when you finally hear the announcement that in order to get off at the station you want to, you need to be in the front half of the train.
23. As you move, make it clear that this is everyone's fault but yours.
24. You can't find a nice double seat in the front half of the train, so you sit in First Class.
25. Refuse to pay the upgrade fare when the ticket man arrives.
26. Trudge back to "normal" class, again, making sure everyone knows this is not your fault at all.
27. As the train leaves the station immediately preceding your destination, rise sharply from your seat, gather all your belongings hurriedly and run towards the nearest doors.
28. Stand there for 20-25 minutes until the train arrives at your destination.
29. Turn around and get off at the door opposite to the one you were standing at.
30. Approach ticket barrier. Queue. Wait until you get there, then begin looking for your ticket in your giant bag.
31. No, that's the receipt.
32. Flounce through and demand to be shown where the taxi rank is, despite it being clearly signposted, and a long line of black cabs clearly visibly waiting at it right outside.
33. Complain to taxi driver how trains are rubbish.
you can add in one about not getting the ticket ready for inspection until the man asks you in person, then roll eyes for such a request
Another about leaving papers about
Surely they'd leave their coffe about as well
i always see people get dropped off at 630 for the 635 train, then jiggle about like a toddler that needs a wee when the queue is taking too long. Saying "i have a train to catch" and tutting is optional
Another about leaving papers about
Surely they'd leave their coffe about as well
i always see people get dropped off at 630 for the 635 train, then jiggle about like a toddler that needs a wee when the queue is taking too long. Saying "i have a train to catch" and tutting is optional
Nicely covered. A couple of additions from me:
5.5. Start a conversation with the person at the ticket office about train times and best routes, oblivious of the growing queue behind you
11.5. Ask in an urgent voice "is this is going to [station]?", despite standing six feet away from the fking screen displaying the destination and stops
13.5. Sit in an aisle seat. Sigh and shoot a filthy look when someone asks to sit in the empty window seat next to you
God I hate commuting by train.
5.5. Start a conversation with the person at the ticket office about train times and best routes, oblivious of the growing queue behind you
11.5. Ask in an urgent voice "is this is going to [station]?", despite standing six feet away from the f
king screen displaying the destination and stops13.5. Sit in an aisle seat. Sigh and shoot a filthy look when someone asks to sit in the empty window seat next to you
God I hate commuting by train.
Edited by option click on Tuesday 13th January 15:32
option click said:
Nicely covered. A couple of additions from me:
13.5. Sit in an aisle seat and sign and shoot a filthy look when someone asks to sit in the empty window seat next to you
I love those people, it makes me feel happy for the rest of the journey once I've sat in the spare seat they were protecting.13.5. Sit in an aisle seat and sign and shoot a filthy look when someone asks to sit in the empty window seat next to you
Edited by option click on Tuesday 13th January 15:31
11 is the one that most annoys me. I mean, why stand somewhere, then walk along once the train arrives? Why not just stand further up the platform in the first place? If you're worried about the train not being long enough, stand in the middle.
I usually stand around 2nd or 3rd coach of a 10 coach train to get on, so near the top end of the platform. Yet as the train arrives there are still people walking past me to get nearer the front, despite having been stood 50 yards down the platform for the last ten minutes.
I usually stand around 2nd or 3rd coach of a 10 coach train to get on, so near the top end of the platform. Yet as the train arrives there are still people walking past me to get nearer the front, despite having been stood 50 yards down the platform for the last ten minutes.
Dr Murdoch said:
I love those people, it makes me feel happy for the rest of the journey once I've sat in the spare seat they were protecting.
Me too. I always try and target them if there's a choice of seats - especially if they've put a bag down next to them 
DeuxCentCinq said:
11 is the one that most annoys me. I mean, why stand somewhere, then walk along once the train arrives? Why not just stand further up the platform in the first place? If you're worried about the train not being long enough, stand in the middle.
I usually stand around 2nd or 3rd coach of a 10 coach train to get on, so near the top end of the platform. Yet as the train arrives there are still people walking past me to get nearer the front, despite having been stood 50 yards down the platform for the last ten minutes.
I reckon they do that in case of last-minute platform changes - saves them having to walk back down the length of the platformI usually stand around 2nd or 3rd coach of a 10 coach train to get on, so near the top end of the platform. Yet as the train arrives there are still people walking past me to get nearer the front, despite having been stood 50 yards down the platform for the last ten minutes.
Edited by option click on Tuesday 13th January 15:41
DeuxCentCinq said:
11 is the one that most annoys me. I mean, why stand somewhere, then walk along once the train arrives? Why not just stand further up the platform in the first place? If you're worried about the train not being long enough, stand in the middle.
I usually stand around 2nd or 3rd coach of a 10 coach train to get on, so near the top end of the platform. Yet as the train arrives there are still people walking past me to get nearer the front, despite having been stood 50 yards down the platform for the last ten minutes.
I usually stand around 2nd or 3rd coach of a 10 coach train to get on, so near the top end of the platform. Yet as the train arrives there are still people walking past me to get nearer the front, despite having been stood 50 yards down the platform for the last ten minutes.
I empathise with the blank look at the ticket office as he has just been asked to exchange his life savings, the deeds of his house, his wife and daughters for the ticket and is wondering how its five times more expensive to get from Reading to Paddington than it is to get a jet to north africa.
Also ticket barriers- no wonder, theres 5 tickets for a return journey all printed in smudged small print.
You have also forgotten the obese bloke who sits next to you stuffing his burger king meal,scrunching the packaging with every forage for a chip.
Otherwise spot on!
Also ticket barriers- no wonder, theres 5 tickets for a return journey all printed in smudged small print.
You have also forgotten the obese bloke who sits next to you stuffing his burger king meal,scrunching the packaging with every forage for a chip.
Otherwise spot on!
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